I am way too tired and ill tonight to answer the questionnaires and pick blogs to pass these awards along to right now, but I do want to take a moment to thank Not a Member of a Club Sandwich for the Versatile Blogger Award and Back to Whatever for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award.
Thank you so much, guys! I owe you one. I’ve linked to your blogs at least for now.
Everyone, please follow these two fantastic bloggers.
If you are a sufferer of a mental illness or a survivor of malignant narcissists or other mentally ill people and decide to blog about your experience, you have to be very brave.
You have to be 110% honest at all times.
You can’t hold anything back. Ever. No matter what.
The only thing it might be okay to lie about is your real name. Using a pseudonym can make it much easier to be honest about your life, your true feelings, your own opinions.
Self consciousness and reservedness would never work on a blog like mine. It’s my diary and my therapy. Everything I would tell a therapist is here for the public. This is how I’ve chosen to conduct my healing.
To do so requires courage. You must not be afraid to admit when you’re afraid or lonely or vulnerable. Don’t think about the thousands of strangers who will read your words. Don’t let anything intimidate you or make you hesitate to be completely honest at all times.
Speak only your truth.
Speak only from your heart.
The rest is just gravy.
I think this is always the most interesting part of my stats. There’s a thrill in knowing once you press that “Publish” button, your feelings and thoughts that were yours alone just a few minutes ago as you were putting the finishing touches on your article, are being read by people al over the world, in a matter of minutes or even seconds.
Here is my is the list of numbers of views per country since I started this blog on 10 September 2014. Sorry about the stretched out look on a few of the panels but you can blame “Paint” for that, when I was trying to crop. I didn’t know how to fix it. I also wasn’t able to fit all of them in one table, so I had to do them in sections. Sorry!
Click on the tables to make larger.
I think those of us ACONs and survivors of narcissistic abuse who post on public blogs that are accessible to anyone need to be very vigilant and careful. I will never make my blog private or require you to sign in first, but due to that decision, I realize I am going to attract MNs and psychopaths whose only desire is to bully, make incendiary and false remarks, and play “divide and conquer” games within the community. I am willing to take that chance because I want this blog to remain as accessible as it is. I want people to feel welcome without having to be “approved” first or having to sign in, because I hate having to sign into any website myself and will usually bypass any site that requires me to do that.
If you’ve been following my posts, I wrote two articles about some drama that was going on between me and another blogger who allegedly suffers from dissociative identity disorder (DID). I provided links to the nasty, character-assassinating articles that were written about me and my commenters and followers on their blog. I was quoted extensively in their rant (as well as several of the people who commented on those two articles) and was practically accused of being MN myself. The things they said were hurtful, but I also knew they were lies and intended to upset me. If this person is a narc, they were projecting their own disorder onto me. And that’s just so wrong, but it’s what they do.
I am letting that go and do not wish to further antagonize this blogger and will just delete or not approve any further abusive comments from them. But in thinking it over, I realized that there are going to be people on the Internet who use their own mental illness as an excuse to be able to abuse and be nasty to other people. That doesn’t mean they don’t have a mental illness, but it’s possible to be mentally ill and also a malignant narcissist who wants to hurt those who speak the truth. I also think there are some N’s (I’m not saying it’s this blogger) who feign mental illness because that gives them an excuse to abuse. We need to be very careful of anyone who says they have a mental illness but then make abusive remarks based on no real information. N’s are out there, lurking our sites and reading.
Not all N’s are going to be abusive to us. Some actually are honest and want to seek help or educate us about their NPD. Those are the ones with insight into their disorder.
But there are others, who may feign another mental disorder (or sometimes actually have it but use it as an excuse to be nasty and mean), who can become trollish and try to destroy our communities with their vitriol or make us fear their wrath. I refuse to let people like that make me afraid to post what I want and keep journaling about myself honestly and openly. I refuse to let them squelch or discourage me in my desire to heal and help others. I am made of tougher stuff than that now, and I know God is behind me, protecting me from the bullies and trolls who may want to attack me and this blog and keep me from speaking my truth.
I am getting so tired of the automatic default to the “new” stats page, which I hate. I don’t think it’s better than the old one, and is in fact much worse. The graphs are unattractive and don’t show visitor/view comparisons. The layout is unattractive and makes you have to keep scrolling to see all the stats, especially if you’re trying to do it from a Smartphone, the way I sometimes do during the day when I’m not at the computer. The old stats page was easy to read, seemed to give more detailed information, and didn’t require constant scrolling to see the stat you want.
I always click on “see the old stats page” but sometimes before it lets me do so, I have to answer a survey asking why I prefer the old stats page. I find that very annoying. I can’t believe anyone would like the new stats page better. Aren’t enough people complaining about the new stats page that WordPress will scrap it and go back to the old stats page, which is so much better?
Does anyone actually like the new stats page, and if so, why?
WordPress, PLEASE get rid of the new stats page. “New Coke” didn’t go over well either.
I hate flame wars but it looks like Seeing Plural is not going to bury the hatchet and agree to disagree which is what I would prefer.
He/she wrote a trollish, abusive post about me today and won’t let go of his/her grudge against me and the fact I have not removed my NPD joke page. I have explained over and over again why the joke page is there, and have already removed the offending article about DID (MPD). I have apologized for posting an article about DID with misinformation. I don’t know what more I can do. I just want to put this ugly flame war to rest.
I would just let this whole thing pass and let them hate, but I simply can’t because of the vitriol in their comments about me today as well as their nasty remark about my commenters and supporters (thank you everyone! ❤ )
In their latest article bashing me and my blog, I found this highly offensive (and wrong) assumption about me:
But, I as a protector need to get something out there, mostly in response to the incredibly ugly comments of support that this woman with borderline abusive ideals has garnered over the past few days. [borderline abusive ideals?]
For just a tiny bit of background, I want to point out that Bennett is more than twice our age, and is a white cishetero Christian who appears to be more or less able-bodied and is functioning well enough to keep and take care of her children. As opposed to our Latino origin, trans presentation, queer background, and mostly-satanistic or agnostic system who can’t, most days, function enough to leave the house. Bennett is on the winning side of social power structure here.
Excuse me? Winning side of what social structure? I may be white, able bodied, and Christian (non-fundamentalist though and do not interpret the Bible literally) but I am also a supporter of gay rights (my son is gay) and I highly resent this accusation of racism on my part. I also don’t give a damn if someone is agnostic (I used to be myself) or atheist or any other religion.
Most importantly, I am hardly winning in the “social structure.” In fact the “social structure” is something I feel like I have to do battle with every day of my life. I live near or at the poverty level, and have a low paying job that allows me to live paycheck to paycheck and no more. I do not own my own home, I drive an old car, and have very little disposable income. So I would like to know where this person gets this ridiculous idea I am on the winning side of the social structure?
I wish this person would stop visiting this blog if they hate it and me so much. My advice: stop make nasty assumptions about me unless you actually know me, because obviously you do not know anything about me, my ideals, or what I believe in.
This blogger is a bully. I have said nothing so personal and offensive against them as they have against me.
I apologize for the negativity in this post. I want this to remain a positive experience for people who come here, not a place for flame wars. But bullies who make personally offensive remarks against me and my followers deserve to be called out.
I am now letting this drop.
Blogging isn’t all fun and games. Sometimes it can be a real challenge. I’m beginning to experience a few of these challenges for the first time and at times I even feel like I’m possibly in over my head.
As this blog has grown and become more visible, I’m beginning to face a few of the problems that most blogs and websites are eventually faced with if the subject they focus on has even the slightest potential to be construed as offensive or controversial and the website remains publicly accessible.
A few days ago, a blogger who suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder or MPD) called me out for giving outdated and incorrect information about DID. I do not follow this blog, but the admin was very upset about one of my posts, which no longer exists on this blog. In addition to giving outdated information, I referred to their personalities as “fragmented” instead of entire personalities within the same person that are known as “alters.”
Not being very confrontational and not caring much about that particular post anyway (it wasn’t one of my best and I admit I did not have current information about DID), it was easier to just delete it and not have to go head to head with someone over a post I didn’t even care much about.
Today I found a trackback in my comments folder to an article this same blogger wrote where I was again called out for giving misinformation. I have also been criticized by this person for having a joke page about people with NPD and for writing about a disorder that I do not myself have.
As for the jokes: my intention was never to offend anyone, including people with NPD or any other mental or personality disorder. I put up the joke page not to enrage people with NPD but as a tool we victims of narcissistic abuse can use to lighten our moods. When we read jokes about the types of people who have been abusing us, it makes them seem less threatening and therefore easier to deal with. Personally I’ve always believed laughter is medicine and when we can laugh at what is hurting us, that thing ceases to have so much power over us. Besides, most of the jokes aren’t even my own. They are links to other websites and pages or copies of cartoons other people have made. I think only the “12 Steps of Narcissism” one is my own.
Our MNs and psychopaths have hurt us so often and so badly that sometimes it just feels good to be able to laugh at them (instead of the other way around, which has often been our experience with them). This isn’t to make light of this devastating disorder or to demonize them. I do not hate narcissists, I feel sorry for them.
It may surprise some, but I actually have a great deal of empathy for people with NPD who want to change or who suffer due to their disorder. Those who are aware of their disorder suffer enormously in ways we, as people who do not have NPD, cannot even begin to imagine. As much as they may seem like machines or robots or devils to us, they are still human beings and as some of us have seen for ourselves in the past week right here in this blog, they have very sensitive feelings and do not take jokes at their expense well.
I have said before that I will welcome any narcissist who has enough insight to write honestly about their disorder and/or who is in pain because of it or who wants help. Two days ago I received an email from one that made me cry because I was so happy she was seeking help. So I do care about them. I cannot help them here and am certainly not qualified to give psychological advice to them but I can possibly help point them in the right direction to get help. I do not hate narcissists. I hate what they do and the way they act. But this blog is not intended to help narcissists, even though they may come here. It’s intended to help those of us who have been targets of their actions.
I do not believe in political correctness, at least not when it’s taken to ridiculous extremes the way it sometimes is. We live in such a litigious society and almost everything can be construed as offensive. It can get pretty ridiculous. Of course this doesn’t mean I’m going to go around using racial slurs or make sexist remarks. I’m not going to say you’re deluded or mentally deficient or a bad person because of your religion, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. That’s not cool and pretty much anyone with an iota of respect for others will avoid saying those things.
As for this blogger’s opinion that I am not qualified to write about NPD because I do not have NPD myself, I call bullshit on that. How many people who have NPD are writing about NPD? Sam Vaknin, and that’s about it. Is only he and mental health professionals allowed to write about NPD? I feel that, having been very close to several malignant narcissists in my lifetime, gives me a unique perspective on the disorder different from that of a sufferer or a mental health professional and makes me every bit as qualified to write about it. There are many of us who write about NPD, a whole community of us, and we are finding healing by writing about what was done to us and how to cope with the narcissists in our lives. For some of us who are still in an abusive relationship with a narc, or who can’t afford therapy, writing about it is the only hope we have.
So I’m also not going to allow one disgruntled blogger (in this case, one who doesn’t even suffer from NPD) to make me fear speaking my mind or keep me from sharing my opinions on a blog that is meant primarily as a form of self-therapy and support for others who have experienced similar situations with their narcissists. I am going to remain completely honest on this blog, about my thoughts, opinions and feelings. Not everyone who reads them is going to like what I have to say, or agree with it. But if I start censoring what I say for fear of offending someone, then this blog ceases to be the haven of honesty and I will have sold out. And selling out is something I simply will not do.
This is my blog, and these are my feelings, and I will continue to write whatever I want about narcissists for as long as the topic is of interest to me. Again, what I write is not intended to offend those with NPD or any other disorder. It’s intended to help US, the victims of abuse. In the process a few toes will be stepped on, and that’s just the way it is.
I will never set this blog up where you will be required to sign in to read posts. I can’t stand that and will usually bypass a website that requires me to sign in. That said, I am beginning to understand why some website owners and bloggers require people to sign in with a password, especially if it’s a topic that is controversial or sensitive. I hope I never have to do that.
I looked to see if I could make the “jokes” page semi-private (where only my followers could see it) but unfortunately there is no way I can do that. I could make it password-protected, but anyone who wanted to read the jokes would have to know the password and that’s simply too difficult to do, so for now, I will leave the page up as a publicly accessible page. Most people have told me they don’t mind the jokes and even find them helpful in making the narcissist seem less dangerous in their minds.
It’s hard for me when I get negative feedback or someone takes offense to something I said. It’s scary as a fairly new blogger whose blog is growing so fast and becoming visible much quicker than I thought it would. But it’s something that I will need to learn to deal with and get used to. No matter how politically correct you try to be, someone is always going to find something to be offended about, especially on a blog that focuses on such a sensitive subject as mental illness and abuse.
Please provide feedback. I would like to hear your thoughts.
I have over 20,000 hits. When WordPress compiled my Annual Report two days ago I only had 18,000 hits. It took me almost two months to reach 2,000 hits when I first started this blog. Now it takes two DAYS?
I don’t expect this blog to ever be as huge or popular as OM’s Harsh Reality or anything, but DAYUM.
Dear Mom and Dad,
I know you have found this blog, through the fake name I have been using on social media. For obvious reasons, I do not use my real name on social media for anything that is associated with this blog. This is not only to protect me, but to protect the privacy of people I write about in my posts, because what I write about those people is for the most part not complimentary.
I did not want you to know about this blog. Not yet anyway. Maybe someday. It’s gaining an online presence though so really, it was only a matter of time.
But since you do know about it, please allow me to explain my motives here and the reason why I am doing this.
When I disconnected from my ex (called Michael in this blog), I realized I was suffering from PTSD and intermittent deep depressions. My mind and spirit had been crushed into almost nothing. Malignant narcissists like “Michael” are evil to the core and can literally destroy your soul. It’s as much a spiritual disorder as it is a mental one. “Michael” very nearly turned me into someone like himself. I was one step away from developing “Stockholm Syndrome” and that would have turned me as evil as himself. There would be no turning back. I was very lucky to have the strength of will to get away when I did. Malignant narcissists have that ability. To steal your soul and turn you into one of them.
For almost a year now I have been working on myself and discovering the things that I thought had been lost forever (such as my ability to express myself through writing) had not been lost at all. But I felt lost and was still suffering from deep depressions, anxiety and hypervigilance. I plugged away at becoming independent, at thinking for myself for a change. I realized I needed therapy, but could not afford one.
I started reading a lot of blogs by others who had suffered abuse at the hands of a malignant narcissist or psychopath (which are pretty much one and the same). Many of those blogs were written by ACONS (Adult Children of Narcissists). I realized in my readings that my family of origin was very dysfunctional and well, narcissistic. It was what it was. I don’t hold that against either of you or have any animosity toward you, but I couldn’t hide from the truth about my origin.
One day I decided to start a blog, and its original intention was self-therapy. I wanted it to be public to form a sort of support group. I didn’t want to just make it a private journal because to me that feels like screaming into a void. Feedback from others, including professionals in the field of NPD and psychopathy who read my blog, gives me clarity on my own disorders and those of others who have damaged me. I also hoped my story might help others along the way to recovery and it appears that is starting to happen.
One of my caveats in starting this blog was complete and total honesty about both my marriage and my family of origin. There are things in this blog that you will not like reading and that you may disagree with. Some things may anger you. But this is my blog and these are my feelings. They may be incorrect, but they are still my feelings and impressions. If I were in therapy, these are the kinds of things the therapist would hear. This is public group therapy for me and why I don’t use my actual name.
It’s the best thing that ever happened to me, or rather, the best decision I ever made. I have learned incredibly things about myself in this undertaking, and one of the side benefits of this was that inadvertently, other people told me this blog has inspired and helped them deal with their abusers too. I am happier now than I have ever been and a lot less anxious all the time.
I feel like everything that happened–with “Michael” and all the school bullying and alcholism and other dysfunction in my family of origin (FOO)–was for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. I realized God wanted me to use these experiences to help other people. He wanted me to tell my story because so many others can relate and be inspired or given courage. In the process of writing this blog, I have found God and a church that I feel comfortable with. I will never be a fundamentalist Christian or take the Bible as a literal document, but I have also accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal savior. For the first time ever, I am understanding His presence in my life and the unbelievable things he is doing for me. He is the best friend I ever had.
I always thought God hated me. He does not. He loves me, and that’s why he gave me all those experiences–to teach me things about a devastating mental disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as other disorders I have realized I suffer from. Not long ago, I realized I had Aspergers syndrome. I am self-diagnosed, but this was confirmed by a psychiatrist. It explains so much about my lifelong social awkwardness, difficulty making and keeping friends, and inability to read social cues. Things are getting better though, and through this endeavor, I am making new friends who truly understand me and what I’m all about. There are many people with Aspergers on the Internet, because the Internet is where most of us feel most comfortable expressing ourselves. I also suffer from PTSD (from being with “Michael” so long and allowing him to manipulate me because I wasn’t strong or courageous enough to leave or resist his games), but that’s getting better. I’m feeling less numb and am starting to enjoy life again and appreciate the simplest gifts God has to offer.
I have been getting letters and comments from other survivors who say this blog has helped them and that means so much to me that every time I read one of those I get tears in my eyes. I never thought I could be of any positive use in this world having too many issues of my own to deal with, but instead, by working through those issues publicly, I am helping others too.
This blog is gaining a presence, due to my determination for it to be successful. I try to balance all the seriousness with lightness and humor and the negative with the positive. I write about other things besides narcissism to keep it balanced. Recently, a writer who has written well known books in the field of narcissism has discovered my blog and has done me an enormous favor by pushing it out there on social media. I’m enormously flattered by this but it has brought me many more views than I would have without his help. This blog has also appeared on blogrolls and lists of resources for ACONS and victims of abusive relationships.
It’s only been over 3 months since the day I sat down and on a whim decided to start writing, but it’s taking off like firecrackers now. I’ve also been asked to write a review of a new book that is coming out and I will be writing a biography of someone important in the field. I was going to put that project on the back burner because I thought it was taking the focus off my own recovery, but I just was informed by another editor and writer that he wants to help me as far as obtaining interviews with my subject, who lives in a foreign country, and providing other information that will be helpful.
I’m not going to allow any of this to go to my head because I realize it’s not really me who’s doing this, it’s God directing me where I am supposed to be going. I give credit to God for all the great things that are starting to happen. Everything that ever happens to us is for a reason, and finally, finally I was ready to graduate from my “schooling” and DO something with all the lessons I learned.
My lack of success thus far has everything to do with allowing others to control me and being too afraid to think for myself and be completely honest. Now all that is going to change. Some people are late bloomers but they can still bloom.
This is God’s will for me, his way of using me in this world, and I am sticking with this until the day I die, or until He has another plan for me.
I realize some of this will be hard for you to read and may upset you. You may just want to skip over parts of it. Please try to realize these are just my feelings. This blog is about brutal honesty. I will hold nothing back. I won’t lie or sugar coat anything. I also will never make this blog private. It’s open to anyone who wants to read it. It’s not my intention to antagonize or anger anyone. I just want to be a whole person and writing about my experiences is cathartic and healing for me. It’s working.
Note to my Dad: actually, it was you who started me down the road to recovery when you sent me M. Scott Peck’s book, “People of the Lie,” which I have reviewed here on this blog. When I read it, like you, I recognized my ex for what he was, and even though it was years before I was able to totally disconnect from him (we call it “No Contact” in the world of narcissistic abuse), it was like a bright shining light I couldn’t escape from. It planted the seed for what was to come, and for that, Dad, I want to say Thank you.
To both of you: in spite of the things you may read here, I do love both of you. I wouldn’t be here today without you. You brought me into this world and taught me much of what I know, even though much of it was painful. I also rememeber good times too. Keep in mind, I started this blog due to “Michael” and his abusive mindgames, not as a way to trash my family of origin. He did the most damage to me, I am sure of this as I am sure the sun will rise tomorrow. But that’s okay because today I’m a better person for it.
I just got up and decided to check my stats before running off to my daughter’s place to make Christmas dinner.
Being that it’s Christmas, I expected lousy stats for today.
And then I saw THIS!
I also saw that I was getting an unbelievable 166 views an HOUR–that’s the highest EVER.
Since I don’t do Facebook, I checked Twitter. Sure enough, Sam put a link there to this article (which I suppose he didn’t see when I first posted it):
https://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/12/10/narcissism-is-a-family-disease/
He also put it on LinkedIn, obviously Facebook, and God knows where else.
Who would think a self professed narcissist could give me such an incredible Christmas present? What’s his motive? Maybe he’s returning the favor for me posting those two videos of his yesterday, Idk…?
Who cares what the motive is though. This is in-f*cking-credible.
I’m sorry if I seem like I’m bragging. I don’t believe this. Somebody pinch me.
Merry Christmas to all.
Lucky Otters Haven 