How to write every Christmas song ever.

Posted on December 19, 2015 by luckyotter

Want to write a Christmas song? My son wrote up these 7 easy tips today for doing so.

1. Begin with sleigh-bells, fade in instrumentation and use sleigh bells as an accent. Fade out with sleigh bells.

2. Rhyme snow and mistletoe.

3. Rhyme “time of year” and “Christmas cheer”. Bonus points if it’s in the chorus.

4. Talk about the children and how happy or excited they are about this magical time of year. Do it at random for extra cringe.

5. Melodically, lyrically, or structurally rip off any holiday classic at some point throughout the song.

6. Sing about snow, even when you live in a hot area that doesn’t get snow.

7. Make it sound as in-front-of-the-fireplace-sipping-hot-cocoa cheesy as possible.

8. Be sure to use words like “holly”, “merry”, “cheer”, “tidings”, “jolly”, etc even if you’ve never once naturally used it in conversation.

It’s a cat-tastrophe!

Posted on December 12, 2015 by luckyotter

My daughter posted this on her Facebook today. That’s her kitten Zelda up there at the top of the tree. Maybe she thinks she’s an angel. NOT! Click to enlarge.

😆

Bad advice.

Posted on November 11, 2015 by luckyotter

I am SO familiar with this…Don’t do it!

When a narcissist finally opens up to you.

Posted on October 18, 2015 by luckyotter

That’s all you “can” expect.

Are you kitten me?

Posted on October 16, 2015 by luckyotter

Possibly the funniest/scariest video I’ve ever seen. 😆

7 common habits of narcissistic pet lovers

Posted on September 20, 2015 by luckyotter

Here’s a humorous look at the 7 ways narcissists can be AWESOME pet parents. This listicle from Getleashedmag.com isn’t intended to be taken TOO seriously, but there’s truth here too.

My malignant narcissist ASPD ex, who should be locked away and not allowed to get within 100 feet of any human, is actually the first person I would trust with my kitties should I ever have to leave them for a few days. He despises people (and admits it) but seems to genuinely love animals.

7 Common Habits of Narcissistic Pet Lovers
Wonder if it’s possible to love your pet and be a narcissist? Of course it is!
By Leslie Phelan

There is a misconception about narcissists that says they’re way too into themselves to properly love an animal companion, but there’s a special breed of narcissist whose condition includes room for animal love. Sound like you or someone you know? Read on:

Narcissists love two things: themselves, and anything that could be used as extensions of themselves. What better self-extension than a cute and adorable furry thing that will love you back unconditionally?

Do you express love for your pet in a way that might look to others like evidence of an overly narcissistic lean within your personality? Observe yourself (you know you want to); and see if any of these key narcissistic pet lover indicators point at gorgeous little you:

1. Is your appearance everything?
Do you try on three different jacket-hat combos before stepping out, even to the park? Do you color-coordinate the dog’s collar with your scarf?

2. Are you obsessed with your own reflection?
Do you hold your cat in your arms over the bathroom vanity and compare the flecks in your eyeball irises for extended periods? When you walk past windows with your dog on leash, are you always glancing sideways to admire how lovely and magazine-ready you two look?

3. Do you use your pet as a prop to justify yet another selfie?
You know the drill: scoop up the animal, pose pretty, take a few snaps, choose the best one and post it with a caption about the animal, when really it’s to show off how adorable you look WITH said animal. C’mon . . . we’ve all been here. And the pics are priceless.

4. Do you make everything about you?
Do you listen with the intent to respond, more than with the intent to understand? When someone is talking about a cute thing their pet does, are you bursting at the seams to trump their story with a better, cuter, more special story about your own?

5. Do you bring your pet along, even at less-than-appropriate times?
Most people will agree that it’s the more the merrier when it comes to dogs at parties, but do you ever find yourself purposefully ignoring hints that you maybe shouldn’t bring your pet along?
Of course you want to bring your pet because, well, attention! Plus, you don’t want to rush home if you had to leave your dog behind due to that person’s silly baby with the possible dander allergies. Pfft, the kid’s gotta get used to dog hair sooner or later . . .

6. Are you loud?
Are you constantly standing on a soapbox because you actually think people care about yours and your pets’ diets/favorite shows/the glowing review your yoga instructor gave you? Do you have loud, full conversations with your dog for all to hear? (Bonus points if you do it in another language, or in a sing-song voice.)

7. Is everyone a potential rival?
Do you get jealous if you hear another person in the park compliment someone’s dog before yours? Do you feel like you and your pet are in constant competition with your friends, relatives and their pets? Be honest: is no one safe from your sense of rivalry?

***

This is not a place of judgment; any honest pet owner wont pretend they haven’t teetered on the brink of most of these points a few times. A bit of narcissism can be good, it keeps us caring for ourselves and can make us our best selves! Embrace it, but try not to burn up too much of your energy trying to be the hottest, richest, cleverest, most stylish, most popular and successful person in the world…

Instead, focus on being the most humble, courteous, patient, kind and complimentary person you can be. Or, likewise, just be the person your pet thinks you are – that person is pretty exceptional.

Roz Chast’s weird universe.

Posted on September 16, 2015 by luckyotter

Everyone who reads this blog probably already knows I go a little nuts over Roz Chast cartoons. This is possibly my favorite cartoon of hers ever. It’s from her book Parallel Universes.

I just love how weird she is.

Click to enlarge.
(I think the snowman was photoshopped–the original cartoon had a sort of stick-like creature–but it’s actually kind of funny this way).

“Why Crazy People Make Better Bloggers”

Posted on September 8, 2015 by luckyotter

I know my blog can get pretty crazy sometimes. I’ve made no bones about my struggles with several mental disorders, my disastrous marriage to a psychopath, my history as an hypersensitive head-banging, hair-chewing child-dartboard, my early-adulthood stint with Scientology, my current poverty, my own narcissistic tendencies, my somewhat offbeat religio-political views, my unpopular opinions, and my tendency to be a socially awkward underachiever, among other delicate, controversial, and sometimes embarrassing things most people wouldn’t tell their second-best friend (or maybe not even their best friend).

I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable posting things about myself that are extremely personal or potentially embarrassing, knowing full well that thousands of strangers all over the world know things about me even my own children don’t know. I call this “running naked in public.” It’s liberating once you get used to it. (Of course it helps that I use an assumed name, not my real one). I feel like being this honest has made this blog more interesting than if I just posted my latest cookie recipe or about how to grow healthier backyard tomatoes. I feel like sometimes my most controversial, crazy, and strange posts become my most popular posts, just because they’re controversial, crazy and strange.

I don’t write those posts to be popular or cool though. I write them because I’m a strange and difficult person with a strange and difficult life. Maybe this blog gets so many views as a kind of online rubbernecking–“Hey, let’s find out what that weird borderline cat lady who thought she was an Aspie but really isn’t and who obsesses about narcissists and psychopaths and is afraid of relationships is doing today” or “Let’s see if that crazy woman who does exhibitionist self-therapy online and treats it like performance art has had any new ‘breakthroughs’ today.”

Or maybe it’s because somehow my brutal honesty about my personal life and recovery and my…well, overall weirdness somehow resonates with people and provides a voice for others who feel the same way as I do but don’t dare say it in public. Sometimes I wonder why people read this blog, but really, it doesn’t matter why if people like reading it, does it?

So I have to post this article I just saw at Forbes.com, because it sums up why weird and crazy blogs like mine tend to do pretty well.

Why Crazy People Make Better Bloggers
By Susannah Breslin, for Forbes

“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently …” — Steve Jobs

Crazy people make better bloggers.

Heather Armstrong parlayed postpartum depression and a stint in a mental institution into a cash cow blog.

Penelope Trunk grew her blog to over 750,000 page views last month as someone willing to write about stabbing herself in the head, smashing herself in the head with a lamp, and having a miscarriage during a board meeting while dispensing career advice.

James Altucher shares with his blog readers a history of suicidal ideation, depression, and going broke with a manic frenzy that inspires others to buy his books.

In the Forever Recession, we are all entrepreneurs, and everybody knows the best entrepreneurs are crazy.

1. We’ll say what you won’t.

I started blogging in 2002. Over the years, as a blogger and journalist, I’ve written about developing PTSD, the time I wanted to kill myself, and why I loved writing about the adult movie industry. After I got downsized, anyone who Googled me about a job I had applied for could find these stories online. This probably didn’t help my chances of getting a job. It’s probably part of what led me to conclude I’m unemployable.

But that I had been working and living outside of the box for so long — bending the rules or refusing to admit they existed — is what helped me go from unemployed to self-employed in a matter of months.

I used to be on TV. Being on TV can be stressful. You have no idea what’s going to happen, and there are cameras recording whatever does. After one of my first TV gigs, I was driving home on a Los Angeles freeway. I was vibrating from the stress of what I had done, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Was what I had done good or bad? That’s when I decided it didn’t matter. I decided what did matter was that I was brave. I hold that true to this day. I don’t want to be a coward.

Read the rest of this post here.

Fore more about crazy blogging, please see my article, Crazy Ride.

Me and jokes.

Posted on August 31, 2015 by luckyotter

Having my kind of disorders (Avoidant, BPD and possible [self-identified] cNPD), I have a hard time coping with jokes made at my own expense. I try to hide my anger/hurt and joke back, but it never goes over very well and people can usually tell I’m offended or hurt anyway. It makes me feel too exposed and vulnerable, and that’s why I prefer solitude than being around people.

I also don’t care for those old fashioned jokes you have to “get.” It’s not that I can’t understand the joke, but that I always feel pressure to “get it” and spend the whole time they’re telling me the joke worrying that I might not get it and they’ll think I’m stupid. 😳 😕

It’s a self fulfilling prophecy too, because I spend so much time stressing over maybe not getting the joke that I wind up *not* getting it! And then feeling stupid when I have to fake-laugh.

Most people always want to tell you those kind of jokes and I stress too much about it.
I much prefer random, goofy, wtf humor you don’t have to “get.” Like Roz Chast cartoons. 8)

I hate “soft” toilet paper.

Posted on August 29, 2015 by luckyotter

My roommate went shopping yesterday and brought home a 12 pack of toilet paper, which was a good thing because we were just about out.

But the toilet paper will be gone in less than a week, and it’s not because either one of us have some…uh, problem. It’s because the toilet paper she bought is the soft, puffy kind where one roll lasts about one day. Maybe less, if you ate a big, rich, greasy dinner the night before or come down with some bug.

It’s annoying to me. It’s not even worth putting the damn roll on the toilet paper holder, because it won’t last long enough to make that effort worth it, so I just set it on top, like this:

The toilet paper companies dupe you into thinking you’re getting a bargain but you’re really getting ripped off. A four-pack of cheap one-ply lasts about 4 times as long as that 12-pack will and costs about the same (and probably kills fewer trees too).
The softness of it bugs me too. Personally I prefer a little grit.

Bye bye, Charmin Ultra Soft! Hello, Scott 1-ply!