So, here’s what I believe about Satan.

Posted on December 14, 2016 by luckyotter

Painting depicting Satan’s fall from heaven.

I don’t know whether Satan exists or not. But if he does, he can’t be very powerful. He was merely an archangel, with about as much power as Michael, before he fell. How did he get to be nearly as powerful as God himself, as most fundamentalists would have you believe? We are told Satan “planted” the evidence for evolution, causes natural disasters, and can even create life (parasitic creatures, viruses, and cancer cells, for example). But angels never had that kind of power; only God himself can do those things.

Some argue that God allowed Satan free reign over the Earth because of free will, but that still doesn’t explain why he would suddenly have Godlike powers, like being able to create life forms and cause natural catastrophes. No angel or archangel has ever been able to do those kinds of things. Would God have given him that sort of power just because he demanded to have it? I think not.

Satan is given way too much credit, in my opinion, and attributed with way too much power. He also gets way too much attention. It all seems like a form of idolatry to me. As the Ultimate Narcissist, Satan would be tickled pink at all the attention he gets and power that’s attributed to him.

Personally, I think evil resides in the hearts of men. Since we humans have trouble accepting our dark side, we project it onto an outside entity. “The devil made me do it,” we say, not wanting to accept responsibility for our own evil actions. If there is a supernatural explanation for evil, I think it’s likely there’s a whole population of fairly weak malicious spirits (demons, if you prefer) trolling the the earth. Collectively, they could do a whole lot of damage. It’s also possible Satan is real, but if so, I doubt he (or any of his demons) would be planting fake fossils to “prove” evolution or recombining DNA into invasive and parasitic life forms. Still, I think it’s wise to be very careful with or completely avoid dabbling in the occult.

Who am I…where am I going?

Posted on November 21, 2016 by luckyotter

keats

This afternoon I laid down and meditated for awhile on God’s purpose for my life, and where he is leading me.

God has a purpose for everyone. We’re at our happiest when we submit to his will and not to our own. I’ve learned this truth the hard way, after many years of insisting on having my own way and always failing miserably, or finding out that what I thought I wanted wasn’t what I wanted at all.

I’m still not living the life I want to live, because I’m still grappling with the bad choices I made (and the bad choices that were made for me). I also never took risks before. I lived inside my comfort zone, which wasn’t very comfortable, but it was all I knew.

Last week, I did a few things that were outside my comfort zone. I took a week off of work for something I really wanted and needed to do, in spite of not having any vacation time or money to pay for it. I asked for financial help online and got it. I submitted myself to an emotional and spiritual process that was painful for me at least once. I spend almost a week sharing a room with someone who I would normally regard as much too “good” for me and avoid that person out of envy or feelings of not being able to measure up (those are just the “tapes” that were installed in my mind by my judgmental, snobbish, “keeping up with the Joneses” narc parents). But as it turned out, once we got to know each other, I realized this woman wasn’t judging me on those terms and even seemed to genuinely like me, which I was sure she would not. So I could let down that particular guard. In fact, under normal circumstances, I would have felt inferior or “less than” everyone else on this retreat too. And yet I did not. Other than a little social discomfort and shyness at first, assuming I’d be negatively judged, soon I felt welcomed.

You can tell you’re not living as God meant for you to live if you’re unhappy with what you’re doing or your circumstances. I’m still not fulfilled or happy, but I’m getting closer, and God is showing me the way. He was always there though, always trying to show me something better, but I wasn’t ready. That wasn’t my fault; it just was. Now it’s changing.

The first step of this journey was that I had to leave my abuser(s). As long as I remained, I would stay stuck, and worse than that, eventually die both emotionally and spiritually. Possibly physically too.

But even after freeing myself, I still wasn’t able to start looking inside myself and realize that I not only needed God but also needed to submit my will to his, until after I was able to forgive my abusers.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the awful things they did to us, nor does it mean apologizing or submitting to them. Not even one little bit! They were wrong in what they did, horribly wrong…but that shouldn’t become a life sentence for us. We need to move on with ourselves in order to find peace and happiness. But moving on isn’t possible until we can forgive the people who tried to trip us up at every turn. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s necessary.

I reached a point where I was tired of hating them. The hatred had served its purpose–I got away! What now? All that hatred was just turning me bitter and angry, and making me feel helpless and living in fear that abuse would just keep happening again…and again….and again.

Forgiving them wasn’t for their benefit; it was for mine! After letting go of my hatred and rage, I was finally able to look inside myself and see what I could do differently to avoid being a victim again in the future. In doing so, I found that I had quite a few unpleasant, even narcissistic, traits of my own. Not that I’d ever asked for the abuse, or been horrible enough to deserve it, no way! It just meant I’d probably picked up quite a few negative traits and defense mechanisms from my abusers, in order to survive.

I no longer needed those traits now that I was free. In fact, I had no choice but to send them packing if I wanted to move forward.

Letting that anger go and forgiving the people who abused me made me able to look at their brokenness. By seeing them as victims too (albeit victims so broken they had lost any ability to have insight into themselves or be able to change on their own), that gave them a whole lot less power over me. If I had never been able to forgive them, I would never have been able to let go of feeling like a powerless victim instead of a survivor with the hope of an actual future.

That doesn’t mean the victimization wasn’t real. It was. But at some point you will want to say, “I overcame this! I’m a survivor!” A victim is someone who is still in danger, who is unable to get past that danger.

God doesn’t let bad things happen to us (such as having narcissistic parents) to “teach us things” or because he wants us to suffer. The bad things that happen to us are never his will for us. He allows them to happen because he has given us all free will.

However, what God can do is take those bad things and turn them into something beautiful and good, IF we keep our hearts and minds open to what his true purpose for us is. God can use these things as tools that bring us closer to him and at the same time bring us closer to fulfilling what his purpose for our lives is (and that purpose always coincides with what will make us the happiest too). We should never fight his plan for us, but we can ask for guidance.

God can and will find the beauty in our brokenness.

While I was lying on my back meditating, I kept my mind and heart open, just listening. Since returning from my retreat last week, I feel like my heart is much more open to God and his plans for my life and however he wants to use me.

I asked him to show me a picture of who I could have been if I hadn’t been so broken…and who I still can be when I’m less broken.

At first nothing came to me, but after awhile I realized my mind kept circling back to 3 words:

Words

Truth

Beauty.

God wasn’t showing me a picture of the Me he intended for me to be; he was showing me through the modality I understand and resonate with best: words.

Words are the tools God gave me to write about what happened to me. Words made it possible for me to start this blog and share my story.

Words are the tool by which I’ll fulfill my destiny.

My destiny is to disseminate beauty and truth.

I was the truth teller in my family.

I can’t stand fakeness, phoniness, insincerity. I’m allergic to those things. (Not that I’ve always been honest myself or have never told a lie–that would be far from the truth!).

I’ve always sought the truth — whether through a hunger for knowledge, reading science or psychology articles and books, spirituality, religion, nature, art, music, or literature — all right-brained things by which the truth can be discovered.

Truth, as John Keats famously stated, is beauty.

And beauty is truth.

My purpose in this life–God’s purpose for me–is to disseminate truth and beauty, which are the same.

Through truth and beauty may come healing. Healing for me, and healing for others.

No one who makes an effort to listen to their heart cannot be healed, because it’s through our heart that God speaks to us and can rewire our broken connections.

Checking in.

Posted on November 16, 2016 by luckyotter

The place where I am staying for the HeartSync training seminar (The Aqueduct in Chapel Hill, NC) is very beautiful, but I also get a very bad Internet connection so it’s extremely slow and I also can’t get the pictures I took to load. The property is in a heavily wooded area. As soon as I am able (probably when I get home on Friday) I’ll share the photos as everything I have learned–and it’s a lot. More than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams.

I have a LOT to say about this week and what we are doing, and the unbelievable things that are happening to me, and that I have witnessed happen to others. I understand a lot more now about why I became the way I am and what happened to me and why. This experience is probably the most intense emotional and spiritual adventure of my life, and it was sorely needed. It’s miraculous the way all the many obstacles were moved aside so I could have this opportunity (my being able to attend didn’t seem possible a few weeks ago), because this is where God wants me right now, and he can move mountains if need be.

It’s a lot of hard, hard emotional work. But the benefits are more than worth it.

I didn’t realize just how much more healing I had to do, and how very broken I still am. I am still so far away from where I want to be.

But my faith in God has strengthened tenfold if not more. I felt Jesus’ presence VERY strongly in the training room both today and yesterday. I became emotionally overwhelmed several times but I also knew this was a very good thing and I was releasing pain and trauma and feeling the presence of the Holy Spirit indwelling in me.

I have very powerful “guardians” (psychological “protectors” that keep the functional/conscious part of the mind separate from the emotional/unconscious part. With abuse and trauma, these guardians become numerous and powerful.) Guardians aren’t in themselves “bad.” These guardians are necessary and help us keep good boundaries, and for people who have suffered trauma and abuse, the guardians helped us to survive. But they can also do their job too well and shut you off from being able to connect with your emotions, with others, or even with God. They are the ones responsible for setting up protective defense mechanisms, whatever they are.

Today, one of my primary guardians apparently stepped aside long enough to allow me to drop all my normal defenses and release a motherload of trapped pain. That happened because God can get through to certain guardians.

That experience, which happened this morning, rocked me to my core. It started as a trigger during a process called the Immanuel Approach, in which you are instructed to remember a “five bar moment” when you felt connected to God. For some reason I misheard the facilitator and believed I heard her tell us to find a moment where we felt connected to God through a connection with another person. I tried to think of something and just couldn’t. All I could think of were my connections to God through nature, music, or art. I didn’t know how to connect with people. Hell, I didn’t even know how to talk to them. I was already feeling very emotional and triggered, and that started yesterday, but manifested at first as a lot of undifferentiated emotion, not necessarily bad or unpleasant.

But today was different. My perceived “failure” during the exercise made me feel like I was dying or going crazy. I realized only later that I wasn’t reacting to this small mishap (or perceived mishap); what happened instead is this “small thing” brought my abandonment trauma out in the open, and I was forced to deal with it. But I wasn’t really alone.

I felt completely abandoned and lost. I lost any semblance of composure because I realized I’d never really had a spiritual moment or real connection with another person–and therefore I believed I couldn’t do the exercise. I shot up out of my seat, ran out of the room and started sobbing as soon as I got out the door. I blindly ran around the back of the building, collapsed on the steps and started sobbing like I haven’t sobbed since I was a child. All those old feelings of being incompetent and unlovable came flooding back. Also painful feelings of abandonment, not fitting in, being rejected, always being the odd one out, feeling “different” than others, and also feeling like no one could be trusted. I felt like a loser and a fuckup. I was convinced no one really liked me and I didn’t fit in here or anywhere else and never would, and I should just leave. I also felt a wave of hateful envy toward the people there who had a stronger “functional” side than I did (more on this later). And then beat myself up mentally for having such ugly feelings even toward the person who had helped me get here. What was I doing here, anyway? I didn’t belong here. I didn’t belong anywhere. I never had.

But God wasn’t about to let me just leave–or leave me stranded crying into the void. I looked up into the trees and demanded to know why he’d bring me to this place only to abandon me and make me feel like an unlovable, incompetent fool. Was he playing some huge cosmic joke with me as the butt of his joke? I was angry and felt the void inside me threaten to swallow me whole. My whole body was shaking with sobs and I was hyperventilating. I felt so weak I couldn’t even stand. The sobs just came in uncontrollable waves. It scared me just how much I was crying. This wasn’t the soft crying and shedding a few quiet tears I’ve done in therapy or by myself on occasion. This was deep, raw pain coming from a very hidden place where I have never ventured to go. The abandonment trauma was unleashed and right in my face.

The shaking was an important part of purging trauma. All higher animals and humans do it. I remembered seeing a Youtube video about the way animals release trauma. If an animal has been attacked and survives the attack, they will initially freeze, and then as the trauma is released, they will begin to shake and tremble as if convulsing. I remembered and incident with my cat and a rabbit about a year ago. My cat had caught a bunny and I managed to get her mouth opened so she dropped the bunny. Fortunately, the rabbit was unharmed. I put the cat inside and came back outside to try to make the rabbit run away. But when I returned, the rabbit appeared to be having convulsions. I though it had been mortally injured, but then it suddenly stopped and ran off across the yard. I didn’t realize what had happened until a few months later when I saw the Youtube video explaining this phenomenon.

Finally, I asked the Holy Spirit to come and fill all the holes left in my soul by trauma and abuse. (It’s not necessary to have a cognitive memory of the original trauma–in fact it may not be possible if the trauma was very early, because before the age of 5 or 6, myelinization in the brain hasn’t been completed yet. But even though a cognitive memory may not be possible, you can still have an emotional/somatic memory. More about this later).

And suddenly I “heard” God say (in my heart) that he loved me and had me exactly where I was supposed to be — releasing pain and trauma. He told me all these things I believed about myself were lies that I’d been programmed to believe by my abusers and traumatic things that happened when I was very young. It also turned out the facilitator had never even said anything about having to remember a moment of connecting to another person; I heard the words wrong, so sure that I was required to “connect” with someone in order for this healing process to work.

That’s all I can say right now. I will write a lot more about this experience and how HeartSync itself works (and the theory behind it) when I get back on Friday. It will probably be a long post. I have so much more to say. Although this is in no way “fun,” I have a feeling it’s going to change me in profound ways that I can only imagine right now.

I’ll explain a lot more about how this process works when I return. Right now, I am drained emotionally and mentally but pleasantly sleepy too. My Internet connection sucks, so a more detailed article and photos will have to wait.

Dream tsunami.

Posted on November 10, 2016 by luckyotter

tsunami

I just woke from an interesting dream. I’m going back to sleep after I write this (I had to take a “mental health” day today), but I don’t want to forget it so I’m writing this now.

I’ve often dreamt about tidal waves, tornadoes and tsunamis. I know these things represent my sometimes overwhelming emotions that seem to want to pulverize me. Somehow in these dreams, I always survive them — or wake up.

In this dream, I was on a boat — maybe a cruise ship, I’m not sure. It was very spontaneous. I hadn’t planned to be on this conveyance, and was excited to going to wherever I was going. I was talking to some older woman in one of the rooms, who was showing me a lot of old family pictures. I wasn’t dressed or made up, then I looked out the window and saw people walking by on the beach outside laughing. Because I was on a boat, I don’t know how that was possible but it was.

I decided to get dressed and go outside and join the fun. Instead, I wound up in some food court where lunch was being served. My table mate was none other than President Obama! We just chatted like old friends — not about politics, just about the weather and other mundane things. I wasn’t particularly impressed that I was sitting at a table with the president, talking to him; he was just a nice stranger.

At some point I turned around and looked toward the sliding glass doors behind me that led to the deck and couldn’t believe what I saw. A smooth black wall of water, maybe hundreds of feet high, was headed directly toward us! Because I was on a boat in open water, there was nowhere to run. Obama looked too but didn’t seem scared. He told me to put my head down, which I did. I tried to relax and took deep breaths, bracing myself for the onslaught and certain death. I prayed that Jesus would take me to Heaven. I asked him to forgive me for my sins and lack of faith sometimes. I kept breathing and trying to relax, but nothing happened.

Cautiously, I looked up and turned around. The ocean outside was choppy as if after a storm, but otherwise looked normal!

“What happened to the tsunami?” I asked Obama. He just shrugged. I went back to eating and making plans for the day.

*****

This dream was different from my other tidal wave dreams for several reasons.

I didn’t wake up.
The danger passed without me waking up.
I turned to God for protection.
I didn’t panic.

I think this says a lot about my emotional growth. The wave represents my emotions, but I have control of them now, and sometimes, things don’t turn out to be nearly as terrible as I expected them to. Turning to God in moments of crisis can pull me through, as does mindfulness things like deep breathing.

It’s interesting about Obama. I think he was there because this particular tsunami represents my emotional turmoil in the wake of this election. Maybe he represents calmness to me.

The Inheritance (with message by Graham Cooke)

Posted on October 31, 2016 by luckyotter

This video was just sent to me, and I am BLOWN AWAY.

The singer is Jonathan Helser.

So excited!

Posted on October 31, 2016 by luckyotter

In my last post I talked about an answer to my prayers, that came in the form of an email offering to pay my expenses for 4-day Christian healing program (HeartSync) that runs seminars and helps many people suffering from trauma and PTSD, many who were not helped by anything else, including traditional psychotherapy. HeartSync is a spiritual therapy based on biblical principles. I talked to the woman who is funding this (Kate Miller) at length on the phone last night, and we found out a little more about each other, but I’m not really a phone person and I get a terrible signal anyway (probably because of all the mountains here), so the conversation was a little disjointed. I did get some of my questions answered though, and found out a bit more about how this program works. I also Googled HeartSync to read some testimonies, but I was tired and didn’t do an in-depth search last night. I didn’t see anything negative, though. It appeared to be a legitimate Christian healing program.

Kate and one other person have also kindly donated the money I will need, and it looks like the request I put in at work will also be approved (even though I didn’t get to talk to the boss yet). So it looked like God was moving a few obstacles for me and that this experience was really going to happen! But it all seemed so fast! It was too easy! What if it wasn’t God moving the obstacles? What if something else was doing it? It all seemed too good to be true–and I don’t trust anything that seems “too good.” I needed to have faith, but–how does one tell the difference between faith and foolishness?

Kate had suggested that I put in a request for an entire week off from work rather than just four days. I was told that the experience would likely be so intense that I’d probably need a couple extra days (plus the weekend) to process everything. Hearing that raised my shackles. Uh-oh! I felt a little afraid! What on earth was I REALLY getting into? Could I get out of it if I needed to? I was already booked though! I had to talk to Kate some more and also do some more digging on my own.

I found quite a bit of information, but this one, from a private blog called On A Mission in SF, blew my mind:

HeartSync and Wholeness

By Elise Albert

http://elisealbert.blogspot.com/2016/04/heart-sync-and-wholeness.html

We recently worked with a woman named Bri (who gave me permission to share this story:)), who had been cut off from feeling emotions because of childhood wounding. From early on, she discovered that if she shut off emotion and prevented it from having a voice, it would keep pain from being experienced. When she felt an emotion coming up due to heartbreak, pain, etc, she would shove it back down and become numb to the presenting situation. When she began receiving Heart Sync prayer, the Lord revealed that this began when her parents had gotten divorced and brought to light a decision she had made as a child to not feel in order to protect herself from more pain(something she was unaware of until He revealed it consciously). The pain was beyond her capacity to bear at the time, so a part of her had come up with a solution to keep her safe, the only way she knew how— to completely shut off to all emotion forever. But by cutting this off, she was also prevented from experiencing joy and love. But now, God was offering her protection in Himself, healing for the part of her that was wounded in the divorce, and an invitation for her to be able to fully feel again under the protection and safety of the person of Jesus. Since then, Bri is able to fully access and use her emotion in a way that is healthy. She began to experience emotions again, and not just for herself but also for others. As a missionary, she has found her heart has become tender and compassionate toward those she serves, “I feel more pain, but it feels so worth it because I am able to enter into those places of pain with people and really sympathize, where as before, my heart felt calloused. This is compassion!”

I remember the first day I sat in a training for the HeartSync approach- it felt like the Holy Spirit ran into my inner world and called every part of me to attention, even the parts I didn’t realize existed or had worked endlessly to shove down, and said,

“Hey. I see you. And I’m coming to heal and love every part of your heart that hurts. You were made to be whole and to know the love of God in the deepest parts of your heart.”I’ve come to believe that we are desperately in need of a Doctor for our hearts. Yes, even us Christians who love the Lord and have given our lives to Him. There are always new depths of intimacy and healing with the Lord–it is who He is! We have all experienced our fair share of pain and suffering, and have battle wounds and scars hidden deep within to prove it. We’ve come up with our own ways of self protection to guard against more pain.

But the most glorious of news, because of the price Jesus paid for us on the cross, those wounds and scars do not have to stay buried deep within us. There is a Healer who wants nothing more than to heal and restore that which was lost!

The HeartSync approach, the primary heart healing method we use at Linden Tree Outreach, was developed by a man named Father Andrew Miller and it focuses on synchronizing broken and divided hearts first to God and then to each other. With my counseling background, I have often wondered if there is a connection between psychology and Christ-centered inner healing, as I see the value and purpose in both. Wonderfully, there is a substantial amount of brain science correlations that not only support Father Miller’s findings but fuel it (more on this at a later point).

So how this works: each of us have Core Parts. Father Andrew has given names to them, to help identify and distinguish these parts. These consist of:

– the Function Part helps us function daily (brush our teeth, write, drive, etc.) and believes that knowing certain information about one’s history is incompatible with survival and/or function
–the Emotion Part is most closely connected to the pain, depression and trauma we have experienced
– the Guardian Part that believes the Emotion and Function parts must be kept apart or the Function will be too overwhelmed to do daily functioning, so is devoted to keep them seperated.

These Core Parts are universal and part of our creative design, but they were not designed to live in opposition, but instead work together as a team. And they were also created to all be in relationship with Jesus. But because of the fall, we have all experienced varying degrees of trauma and pain which have created desynchronization between our parts and the Lord (meaning they are no longer working in unity), and we are all in need of God to bring restoration to each area of our heart and restore them to their design and function. He does this healing places of hurt and trauma and correcting incorrect beliefs about God and ourselves.

I don’t know about you, but I am desperately in need of this kind of healing. Our world is full of people who are living in disconnection from God and parts of themselves–just trying to get by–not realizing there is so much freedom and restoration available for them.

*****

OMG! THIS WAS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR! And now it was here, and all the obstacles that seemed so insurmountable were being moved. After finishing reading this post, I just sat there reeling in near-shock but also feeling this anticipation like I’d never felt before, anticipation so intense my eyes filled with tears. THIS…was the next step of my journey.

I immediately banged out an email to Kate. Here is part of it:

All day my mind kept bringing up these potential horror-movie scenarios (maybe because it’s Halloween?) — being hypnotized, being drugged, being brainwashed, being taken alone into a little room and feeling scared to death, completely OUT OF CONTROL! Being re-traumatized in some unknown manner, or getting there and finding out that HeartSync is something other than what it says it is. It’s probably just my hypervigilance due to PTSD but it just all seemed too good to be true and that scared me.

So I knew I needed to do some more digging. I found quite a bit of information on Google and some testimonials. Wow, it does sound like exactly what I’ve been searching for. Sometimes during mass I get a bit teary eyed and definitely feel the presence of the Holy Spirit, but then it’s all over. It doesn’t really last for any length of time. For a year, I’ve been in therapy to reconnect with my emotions (many of which I had shut off because they were too painful or I was shamed out of feeling them — as I already described to you on the phone). It’s helping but it’s a long slow process. It can be frustrating and of course, it doesn’t address my relationship with God/Jesus, which is shaky at best.

Although I’m closer to God than I ever was, I often feel disconnected or untrusting of Him too. Why should I trust God when even my own family could not be trusted? When He allowed me to spend 25 years with a cruel man who almost destroyed my soul? Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t listen or doesn’t care. I question my faith a lot. Other times I feel God’s presence and love, but as if from a distance. It’s as if my entire heart can’t handle it or is still partly closed off. So when I read some of these testimonies — this seems like a somewhat charismatic healing process?– I started to feel very excited! A little scared, but scared in a good way and mostly excited. I NEED to have that intense emotional spiritual experience! I need to really feel myself being loved unconditionally by Jesus, held in his arms and allow His love to change me. I think this is the answer I’ve been looking for.

Asking for help for a wonderful, maybe life-changing opportunity.

Posted on October 30, 2016 by luckyotter

Ever since I became a Christian, all kinds of doors have been opening up to me, and I’ve also been given a lot more clarity in the direction God has planned for me. Even if one door closes, another one always seems to open. I still have strong doubts about my faith, and I’m always praying for that to be strengthened–not only so I can help myself, but also so I can help others too. I’ve found that when I put my own will ahead of God’s, I always wind up with regrets, but whenever I’ve followed God and put aside my fears, that somehow it turns out to be the best thing I could have done.

Yesterday I received an email from a woman who reads this blog and has found it helpful. She is also a victim of narcissistic abuse and has found my articles have given her courage and hope. She also offered me a fantastic opportunity, one that initially I felt like I’d have to decline, but the more I think and pray about it, the more it seems to me that God is calling me to take up her offer.

Basically, it’s a three day Christian retreat in Chapel Hill, NC that trains people in not only increasing their faith through Jesus Christ, but also helps them learn to pray for others who are broken-hearted and need God’s grace and healing.

I’ve talked about this before, but for awhile now, my greatest desire has become to help others heal from abuse, C-PTSD, and even the personality disorders that abuse can cause in a person as they unconsciously rely on primitive defense mechanisms to cope. There are many people out there who are hurting and are lost, just as I was lost and hurting until I went No Contact with my abusers.

I’ve been somewhat frustrated because there is really no way I could, at my age, afford or find the time and energy to return to school to become a therapist. But I believe Jesus can also heal people who have suffered because of abuse. I already spend much time in prayer for these broken hearted people, but I feel like my faith is shaky and leaves a lot to be desired. I feel like my prayers could be so much more effective with the right sort of training and a supportive environment where I could put aside my day to day worries and just focus on God and prayer.

Getting back to the email I received, the woman who wrote to me has offered to pay my expenses for the hotel stay (3 nights) and lunches. It is being held very soon–November 13 – 16, which is in just two weeks. I can get there myself being that it’s only a 3-4 hour drive from where I live. But going would also mean that I’d lose 3 days of work pay since it’s being held during the week, and of course there is the matter of dinner, gas, and extraneous expenses that may come up. I would not be spending any money on luxuries or souvenirs. I am going to talk on the phone with her tonight. She has provided her phone number and I looked at the website link she sent me and it does seem legitimate. But this is the only opportunity I have to go until next summer, when they will have another prayer retreat.

Here is a short description on their About page of what they do. (I don’t know if I’m at liberty to name the organization at this point).

focuses on the primary mission statement of Christ to heal the brokenhearted (Luke 4:17-18a), whereby Christ gives us singleness of heart and action (Jer.32:39) to the end that we are then able to love the Lord our God with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our mind. (Matt. 22:37) ___ does this by intentionally synchronizing the most core parts of our heart to the Lord in a short period of time.

I feel like this could be lifechanging for me, and help me to help others more effectively. I know God wants me to attend, otherwise I would not have received this offer. But since I live paycheck to paycheck and already have so much trouble keeping up with my bills, and have no savings, and cannot afford to take the time off work and lose pay (I have no more vacation days), I would need about $400 by November 10th or so to be able to make this dream a reality. Of course, I will share about my experience when I return.

$250.oo to make up for 3 days’ lost pay from work

$150 for gas and dinners for 3 nights

Total: $400.00

So I’m asking anyone who wishes to help me take this opportunity to help me grow closer to God and be able to more effectively help others heal through prayer, to please make a donation before November 10th (it takes a few days for PayPal donations to enter your bank).

For some reason, I’ve been unable to activate the PayPal donation button, but you can log onto PayPal and enter my email to send the money to. Any amount of help would be gratefully appreciated!

*****

https://www.paypal.com/home

My email for making a donation is: otterlover58@gmail.com

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Dear Father…

Posted on October 16, 2016 by luckyotter

“Dear Father” by Taming the Tiger

I usually shy away from anything too spiritual or religious, because I do realize many of my readers are atheist, agnostic, or of differing faiths–and I respect their right to believe as they wish. But today in church when the priest asked us to “add our own prayers,” I felt inspired to pray a particular prayer that has great meaning to me, for a myriad of reasons. I would like to share it here, so maybe others can join me in prayer for these things that are so important to me.

*****

Dear Father,

You have created us all in your own image. I don’t believe you have left anyone out of your great bounty and the hope for eternal life, in spite of what some Christians and others believe. I don’t believe that Christ’s death on the cross was a “limited atonement” meant only for a select few (as Calvinists believe). I believe he died for us all, and offers all of us the chance for redemption and healing, no matter how hopeless things may seem.

PTSD, C-PTSD, and narcissistic abuse survivors.

God, please shower your grace and compassion on all victims of narcissistic abuse and all people suffering from PTSD and C-PTSD, that they may find comfort in your arms and be able to trust again, realize that there is still goodness in the world, and eventually, that they may find loving, healthy relationships and friendships that do not turn abusive. Many survivors have turned to you when everyone else seemed to be turning away from them and rejecting them, and found that you were there and were listening. But many, especially if they were rejected or scapegoated by their own families, are so damaged they have trouble trusting anyone at all, even You. Please give them the courage to turn to you when things are at their darkest and it seems like they have no allies. Please help them to trust you, and to heal from abuse, regain their sense of self worth and self-esteem, and be whole and happy again. Please show them that what happened to them didn’t happen in vain, and that they are so much stronger than they realize because of the adversity they had to face. Please let them feel the loving arms of Jesus Christ holding and protecting them from harm. Guide them on the path to become whole again, and to use what they learned to help others heal, should that be your will for them.

Also, although anger is a necessary stage of healing (in order to leave an abusive situation or person), please allow victims who become trapped in their anger and hatred to be able to move on from it, because only then will healing be possible. I’ve seen too many survivors who remain so mired in rage that they take on the traits of their abusers and acquire a victim mentality that does not allow them to move forward in their journey to healing.

As for myself, please don’t let me stray from the path you have set me on, which is beginning to be revealed to me. Please don’t allow me to become bogged down by envy, selfishness, or pride. Don’t allow me to let my own will get in the way of what you have planned for me, for whenever I have forced my own will, it always turned out to be all wrong.

People with NPD, BPD and other Cluster B disorders.

God, please show these broken people who have made so many bad choices and act out toward others–usually because as children they were shamed for their own vulnerability by abusive caregivers or parents–that they do not need to rely on primitive defense mechanisms, abusive or aggressive behavior, or a “false self” in order to survive and be happy. Please show them the beauty of their own inner vulnerability and that being sensitive can be a great strength and is never a weakness. Please lift the scales from their eyes and show them that the things they have learned to believe about themselves and others are lies–and the truth is the opposite of what they have always believed. Please remove the fear and shame keeps them trapped inside cold, dark walls that separate them from their own vulnerability and the light of your grace. If there’s a glimmer of their original soul left in them, please help that spark grow like a mustard seed within them and burn away the darkness that surrounds it. Make them aware that their defense mechanisms are only allowing them to live the stunted, painful life of an emotional cripple, and that by jettisoning authentic feeling, they also jettison love, empathy and joy. With fewer people with narcissism and other “predatory” disorders in the world, there will be fewer abuse victims too.

In particular, please make my mother aware of what has happened to her (due to no fault of her own) and what she became, even at her very advanced age. Even if it’s too late for her to be healed, at least remove the scales from her eyes and allow her the grace of redemption.

Our increasingly narcissistic society.

Over the past 30 – 40 years, our western society–especially in America–has become increasingly cold, callous, lacking in empathy and compassion, materialistic, hubristic, and narcissistic. Wealth and power are valued over compassion and love. Individual achievement is valued over community involvement. Greed and an “I got mine!” attitude is valued over altruism and compassion for the less fortunate.

Even families buy into this lie to the point of scapegoating family members who fail to “keep up” (or who are vulnerable or attempt to expose the family dysfunction). Intolerance of those who are different, hatred, and racism abound. Every day people die because they are the wrong color, wrong religion, or have a lifestyle that the Powers That Be believe is wrong. Our society is like a huge dysfunctional family, complete with its narcissistic and abusive leaders, its golden children, and its scapegoats. This should not be the case. God, please heal the hatred and fear that permeate our society and keeps people from being neighborly and charitable toward one another. Please make dysfunctional families whole and healthy again, and give the scapegoats of both society and of dysfunctional families relief from their suffering and pain. Make “the least of these” realize they are as worthwhile and valuable to you as the powerful ruling class who seems to have every earthly thing.

I ask these things in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Angels among us.

Posted on October 4, 2016 by luckyotter

earthangels

God sometimes comes through in small, unexpected ways when we appeal to him for help. I think he appoints certain people to serve as angels right here on earth. A dear friend of mine, active for a long time on this blog, empathized with my problems coping with Seasonal Affective Disorder, and offered to purchase me a light therapy lamp, knowing I could not afford one. (They aren’t cheap). I burst into tears of gratitude when she told me she was buying me one. She didn’t want me to pay her back either.

Yesterday I got my package from Amazon. At first I couldn’t imagine why I was getting a package, since I haven’t ordered anything recently. I had forgotten about the light therapy lamp. But then I remembered, and excitedly opened the package.

It’s a handsome streamlined model, portable, perfect for propping up next to me while I write on my blog. It also makes a terrific reading light.

There really are angels among us. You just never know how God will come through. I’m also taking Melatonin (which regulates the sleep cycle) and St. Johns Wart (a natural herbal antidepressant). Two new front tires on my car so I don’t have to worry about sliding all over the roads when the ice and snow starts, and I’m good to go.

I’ll let you all know how this regimen works on my SAD.

Here are two photos of my new light (closed and open).

light_therapy1 light_therapy2