Dream tsunami.

Posted on November 10, 2016 by luckyotter

tsunami

I just woke from an interesting dream. I’m going back to sleep after I write this (I had to take a “mental health” day today), but I don’t want to forget it so I’m writing this now.

I’ve often dreamt about tidal waves, tornadoes and tsunamis. I know these things represent my sometimes overwhelming emotions that seem to want to pulverize me. Somehow in these dreams, I always survive them — or wake up.

In this dream, I was on a boat — maybe a cruise ship, I’m not sure. It was very spontaneous. I hadn’t planned to be on this conveyance, and was excited to going to wherever I was going. I was talking to some older woman in one of the rooms, who was showing me a lot of old family pictures. I wasn’t dressed or made up, then I looked out the window and saw people walking by on the beach outside laughing. Because I was on a boat, I don’t know how that was possible but it was.

I decided to get dressed and go outside and join the fun. Instead, I wound up in some food court where lunch was being served. My table mate was none other than President Obama! We just chatted like old friends — not about politics, just about the weather and other mundane things. I wasn’t particularly impressed that I was sitting at a table with the president, talking to him; he was just a nice stranger.

At some point I turned around and looked toward the sliding glass doors behind me that led to the deck and couldn’t believe what I saw. A smooth black wall of water, maybe hundreds of feet high, was headed directly toward us! Because I was on a boat in open water, there was nowhere to run. Obama looked too but didn’t seem scared. He told me to put my head down, which I did. I tried to relax and took deep breaths, bracing myself for the onslaught and certain death. I prayed that Jesus would take me to Heaven. I asked him to forgive me for my sins and lack of faith sometimes. I kept breathing and trying to relax, but nothing happened.

Cautiously, I looked up and turned around. The ocean outside was choppy as if after a storm, but otherwise looked normal!

“What happened to the tsunami?” I asked Obama. He just shrugged. I went back to eating and making plans for the day.

*****

This dream was different from my other tidal wave dreams for several reasons.

I didn’t wake up.
The danger passed without me waking up.
I turned to God for protection.
I didn’t panic.

I think this says a lot about my emotional growth. The wave represents my emotions, but I have control of them now, and sometimes, things don’t turn out to be nearly as terrible as I expected them to. Turning to God in moments of crisis can pull me through, as does mindfulness things like deep breathing.

It’s interesting about Obama. I think he was there because this particular tsunami represents my emotional turmoil in the wake of this election. Maybe he represents calmness to me.

Mourning.

Posted on November 9, 2016 by luckyotter

I feel like I’m in mourning today. I could barely get through my day. I called my therapist and told him how upset I was and asked him if crying and feeling this depressed over a presidential election was a normal reaction. He shared with me that his phone had been ringing off the hook since last night because people are so depressed, despondent, hopeless, suicidal–and yes, many are crying too. There are many, many of us feeling a great loss today. Not over Hillary’s loss per se, but over the loss of hope for this nation.

It’s all over. America, as we knew it, is no more.

But it’s been coming to this point for 40 years. How could we have been so blind and denied what was obvious?

It’s all so surreal.

And the games haven’t even begun yet. We are in deep shit.

This is the worst thing that could ever have happened to this country. I can’t see anything good coming from it.

I see a Hunger Games future for this country.

I can relate to this song right now, so much. It was recorded in 1965, a time of hope and innocence when the country was changing in a positive way and people were waking up to new possibilities. Now everything’s all going to roll back to 50, 100 years ago–a time when women knew their place was in the home serving their authoritarian husbands, there were no social support systems for the vulnerable, children were to be seen and not heard, homosexuality was considered a serious mental illness, and non-whites knew their place was in a servile role to the rich white men who ran things.

But people still flocked to America even then because they saw the possibilities, the promise of freedom and opportunity.

All of that is gone.

RIP AMERICA: 1776 – 2016

Further reading:

The Five Stages of Trump Grief: How to Go Through Them as Fast as Possible (from Mashable.com)

So. Trump won.

Posted on November 9, 2016 by luckyotter

11chappatte-master768-v2

Although it’s not official yet, Trump is the projected winner.

I have never been so ashamed of my country as I am right now. I thought maybe…just maybe…the tides were turning and people wouldn’t be swayed by this egotistical, dangerous, racist, sexist, homophobic narcissistic freak. I apologize for my harsh words if you voted for him, and hold nothing against you personally, but that’s how I feel right now. I don’t understand why or how this happened. I’m saddened and shocked and angry beyond belief. I feel like I’m in a nightmare that won’t end, and there’s no escape. I read that the website for immigration to Canada crashed because of the volume of hits tonight. I wish I could be one of those people with the means to leave this once-great country because there is nothing left as far as I’m concerned. It’s heartbreaking to see its long fall from the land of opportunity and freedom it used to be.

He has the potential to do untold damage to a country that is already in deep, deep trouble, not to mention the millions of women, blacks, Hispanics, Muslim-Americans, and anyone else who is vulnerable. I’m very scared. I know many of you are too.

Suicide hotlines are actually being shared on social media right now, because a lot of people want to kill themselves with Trump as president elect.

On the bright side, California has legalized pot. They’re going to need it. Pardon the gallows humor, but yeah.

That’s all I have to say right now. So, try to get a good night’s sleep and I’ll see you tomorrow.

I’m sorry for writing such a negative post, but I am just…astounded.

One last thing. I will never, ever, refer to this freak as President.

Thoughts about this election and voting.

Posted on November 8, 2016 by luckyotter

donkey-and-elephant-clipart-1

I’m going to keep this short, but I have a few things to say about the election, voting, and voters, and a little about etiquette.

First, I don’t automatically judge people based on their political beliefs. I don’t like Trump or his policies, but I know many perfectly lovely people who do, and who voted for him. We may disagree on certain things, but that doesn’t mean I think you’re a bad person or will stop being your friend.

Second, if you didn’t bother to vote, or wasted your vote by writing in something silly like “Mickey Mouse,” then don’t complain about the outcome tonight. Many people (myself included) weren’t thrilled about either candidate, but still voted anyway, even if it was “the lesser of two evils” or a vote against the other candidate. If you voted for someone else who represents another political party or is an independent, that’s fine too. At least you made the effort and voted for someone you believed in, even if the person had no chance. But “Donald Duck” or “Jesus Christ” is a cop-out and a mockery of your constitutional right to vote.

Lastly, even if you voted, don’t be a sore loser. It’s fine to complain about the outcome if your candidate lost, but don’t be an idiot and direct personal insults to people who voted for the winner. Likewise, if your candidate wins, don’t be a jerk and direct insults to people who voted for the loser. That’s just mean and cruel. A lot of people are going to be upset tonight. Try to be a little sensitive to their feelings even if you can’t stand who they voted for. People take this stuff very seriously. You probably wouldn’t put down someone for their religious beliefs (at least I hope not), so try to show the same respect toward those who have different political beliefs than yours.

All that out of the way, I’m going to be so glad when all this is over. I’m sick to death of this election. Now I’m off to go watch the results come in, and probably vomit from the stress.

Nothing makes me angrier than this.

Posted on November 8, 2016 by luckyotter

Seeing Red by cosmohibdon, Deviantart.

This came up in the comments section of my last post. Nothing makes me angrier than people who tell you, “why don’t you ask your family for help?” when something bad happens and you mention you are in need of financial or emotional support.

I’m not in that situation right now, by the grace of God, but I have been. Many times. And I could never ask my family for help, either emotional or financial, because they’d either (a) say no; or (b) tell me all the reasons why I was being “entitled” and put me on a guilt trip for asking. And the answer would still usually be no. If it wasn’t no, there were always strings attached. But that was as rare as blue diamonds.

Whenever I’ve asked my family for support in the past, they made me feel about 2 inches tall, like how dare I ask for help at my age. At my age, I should be self-sufficient and never have to rely on family for anything. I’ve taken care of myself my whole adult life, and have hardly leaned on them more than I absolutely had to. I avoid asking them for anything and have not in years, even when most people would have. The shame involved in asking is too painful. Even if, say, I was about to become homeless or was terminally ill, I still wouldn’t ask them for anything. I’d rather die first, and that’s not an exaggeration. I doubt they’d care much. Once I turned 18, their responsibility to me was done. No one even paid for my college education, though my parents were far from poor and could have afforded it. I had to work full time and take out student loans. I didn’t even qualify for grants because I wasn’t living at home with my parents. They wouldn’t allow me to.

I remember when I was temporarily homeless during my divorce, and my mother told me to go live in a homeless shelter. With the kids. That’s how “caring” and “loving” these people are. She also sent an email to my father talking about how “she never learns from her mistakes” but she accidentally sent it to me! When I confronted her about her “mistake” (I think it was intentional), instead of apologizing or attempting to explain (of course there was no good explanation for this), she laughed and said “well, maybe it’s for the best you saw that.” She laughed! Talk about no empathy. Another time she told me I should become a nun and go live in a convent and get my needs met that way. She wasn’t joking.

Yet, oddly, she was there for me when my kids were born, helping out when I was recovering from my C-sections. She seemed genuinely caring and concerned too, and was wonderful with the babies. I appreciated her help then and actually believed she might have changed. But soon after I returned to work, it was back to business as usual.

Now I’m No Contact with her, I still hear about how she badmouths me to her other relatives (I’m a “loser” who “never learns from my mistakes.”) If I died, I bet she would blame me, saying things like, “well, she never could get it together and just got what she deserved.” She always found a way to take everyone else’s side but mine, even for things that weren’t my fault. She just always assumed it was me at fault and never gave me the benefit of the doubt, no matter what the situation. She’s a terrible human being but I still don’t hate her.

Maybe people who assume you can go to your family when you need help are well-meaning, and because THEY have supportive, loving families, who always have their back, they assume everyone else does too. Well, that is not the case, not everyone does. Especially when you’re the family scapegoat. People should realize that and not ask. It’s rude.

When people ask me why I don’t ask my family for help or support, I just look them dead in the eyes and say, “my family’s all dead.” That usually shuts them up pretty fast.

I hate tailgaters almost as much as people who tell me I should rely on my family for support, but not quite as much, and that’s saying a lot because I think all tailgaters should be lined up and shot.

8 ways letting go of my “narc-hate” has changed me for the better.

Posted on November 7, 2016 by luckyotter

trash

Back when I started this blog, I was a narc-hater. I think such an attitude is both justified and normal when you’re trying to go No Contact with an abuser. In fact, your rage gives you the courage and motivation to make your escape, because righteous anger overrides fear. Without that anger, you’d stay stuck in fear and codependency and that has an extremely high price, maybe even your life.

But too many abuse survivors (I prefer the term “survivor” to “victim”) can’t or won’t move on from the rage and hatred. Although that enables them to get to the point of going No Contact with their abusers, they seem to remain stuck in a victim mentality that keeps them from progressing or moving past the abuse in their minds, even though the narcissists are out of their lives.

Here are 8 good reasons why letting go of narc-hate has made my life better, and can make yours better too.

Not everyone is going to like this post, and I understand. It’s controversial to some people. But these things have been an important part of my recovery and without them, I’d still feel like a victim instead of a survivor!

1. Education. After I ditched the hate, I realized I wanted to learn the real facts about NPD. I found out that not all of them are evil or don’t want to change. I learned this mostly by reading forums for people with NPD and found they are just as human as anyone else, but have adopted certain defense mechanisms that cause them to project onto and act out toward others.

2. Looking inward. Letting go of hatred made me able to look at myself and see my own narcissism (I was shocked to learn I had quite a few N traits of my own!) I am working on those now in therapy. I would not have been able to do this if I hung onto my “us versus them” mentality.

3. The victim mentality sucks. I found out that by hanging onto rage, when it has nowhere left to go, you start to become paranoid and start finding narcissism in normal human behavior. You begin to suspect everyone of being a narcissist. You even run the risk of becoming narcissistic yourself. I’ve seen it happen too many times to people who had no idea it was happening to them. That’s no way to live and a sure recipe for misery and continually feeling like a victim.

4. Pity removes their “teeth.” I started to feel less like a victim. By realizing my abusers did what they did because they couldn’t help themselves, and not because they were inhuman, evil monsters, somehow that made them seem to have a lot less power over me. They began to seem sort of…pathetic. Which they are.

5. They can teach you about yourself. Slowly, I realized that although what they did to me was terrible, that they chose me as a target precisely for those qualities which are my strongest and which I want to reclaim (having tried to hide them due to shame) and develop even more: sensitivity, vulnerability, empathy, and the ability to love. Framed this way, narcissists can be very important teachers in our life’s journey. I’m beginning to realize just how valuable these lessons were. Whatever they seem to hate about you are those things you should work to develop and use even more. They hated you because you had strengths they envied and feared.

6. Strength. Having grown up in a family full of narcissists, I had to become strong. I think I’m a lot stronger and think more deeply about human nature and life in general than I would have if I had been raised in a normal home.

7. Shades of grey. I found out that nothing is black or white. Everything is just shades of grey. Narcissists usually also have PTSD and adopted narcissistic defense mechanisms, and those of us who aren’t narcissists are still often on the spectrum somewhere. There’s a lot of overlap between the “victims” and the “abusers.” Often a person can be both. Realizing this has made me more empathetic in general and less likely to see everything in terms of black and white.

8. It’s better to be a survivor than a victim. If I continued thinking of myself as a “poor victim” instead of someone who could actually learn something from the narcs, I would not have come so far in my recovery as I have.

Thinking about my dad.

Posted on November 6, 2016 by luckyotter

dadandme1983

I have only three pictures of my dad, and only one of us together, taken in 1982 (shown above). He passed away suddenly on June 6, 2016. I can’t believe he’s been gone for almost half a year.

My dad wasn’t a very good father. In fact, he was pretty terrible. A covert narcissist (though I don’t think he was malignant or evil), or possibly a borderline, or maybe both, he was always codependent to higher level, grandiose NPD women. At least in my mother’s case this was true. For all of my childhood and part of my adolescence, he was an active alcoholic and often lost control and become violent and abusive. Sometimes he really scared me. His punishments could be harsh and cruel. He also invaded my boundaries in many ways and seemed to expect something of me that I could not be, but I never knew what that was.

Much like my mother, he could never accept “negative” emotions and always seemed to expect me to act happy even if I wasn’t. So I learned how to fake happiness or at least contentment, but was never very good at it. But there were also times that he wasn’t this way (more on that in a minute).

He also cut me off for years at a time once I became an adult, refusing to have anything to do with me when I disagreed with him or did something that went against his wishes. The time around my daughter’s birth was one of those times (not because of her, but because of something unrelated we had disagreed about). Because of that, he never met her until she was 8 years old. He did apologize for his lack of contact with me.

In spite of these behaviors, my dad could also be very loving. When he was loving, he could be the sweetest and most understanding dad anyone could ever hope for. While I always somehow knew my mother’s “love” was fake, I never felt that way about my dad. When he showed me love, I knew it was really coming from his heart because it just felt like the real thing. My intuition about these things is usually accurate. Although his rages were usually scarier and more violent than my mother’s, as a person he scared me less. He was less cold and could even be very warm. As disordered as he was, my dad had a heart. I always felt like I could talk to him, at least when he was sober or in a good mood. At those times he could be extremely supportive and empathetic. He was very protective of me and used to get so angry when anyone else tried to hurt me.

The problem was he was so unpredictable. It was so hard to discern when he would be nasty or nice. So I usually waited for him to be nice to me, rather than seeking it out. He was such a conflicted person.

I loved my dad. I still do. Today in church the priest talked about praying for those loved ones who have passed on. Until now, I hadn’t been able to cry about my dad’s passing. I experienced a lot of other emotions — shock, anger, rage, regret — but I never really grieved. We hadn’t been close in years.

But today was different, and I sat there wiping away tears and realizing how much I miss my dad, and feeling so sad because we never had a chance to get together before his death and reconcile or come to some kind of understanding as father and daughter. There was no closure. I never even got to see him in the hospital, and I was unable to attend his memorial service. There was this vast distance between us (I never went No Contact with my dad). He never got the chance to see how much I’ve changed and grown. I know he would be proud; he always told me he wanted to see me thrive and be happy one day. I knew he meant it too.

I hope wherever my dad is right now, he has learned a few things and is working out his demons and his soul is being cleansed. I don’t believe death is so final that you just go to either heaven or hell and that’s it, because no one is all good or all bad. I think our souls continue to grow and mature and sin can be cleansed even after death.

I also hope he understands that his youngest daughter, who I know he loved in spite of the terrible way I was raised, has realized a lot about why things happened as they did, and is now using those lessons to become a better and happier person. A person who has processed enough of this trauma that she can finally reach out and begin to help others. I hope he is looking down from wherever he is and is proud of what I became. I hope he knows that I love him and pray for his spiritual freedom too. In many ways, both my parents were teachers to me. Harsh teachers to be sure, but I still learned so much once I realized what I’d been up against. Framed the right way, narcissists can teach you much about yourself, if you can move on from hating them and try to understand why they did what they did and why it was done to you.

Dad, wherever you are, I miss you and love you….in spite of everything. I forgive you.

I Voted

Posted on November 6, 2016 by luckyotter

As a followup to my last post, I want to share this post by Plain Ol’ Vic. I totally agree that this election is a culmination of the failure of the two party system, with NEITHER party having the best interests of the people as a priority–but rather, their own needs. Both parties are so out of touch with the needs and desires of the American people. Another reason the two party political system is so terrible is because both parties and their nominees are funded by the corporate elite, so the “little guy” (independent candidates) who speaks for the majority never has a chance. I think we need to switch to a parliamentarian system similar to what most of Europe has. Iknow that’s not perfect either, but it beats what we’ve wound up with.

Back in the days when the American people were more unified and homogenous, I suppose the two party system worked well. But today, with so much diversity and differing opinions on so many sensitive subjects, we need something else that can keep up with that.

Yes, I voted, but not for who I wanted. I voted for what I perceive to be the “lesser of two evils.” If I wasn’t so terrified of Trump winning, I would have cast a write in vote for Sanders instead.

With Hillary as president, we’ll just get more of the same, which means the descent into complete chaos and the polarization of this once-great country into a hellhole of the haves and have-nots will take a slower path. With Trump, we’ll get WWIII. So I voted for “more of the same.” Ugh–there should be a better option.

Please comment on the original post (comments are disabled here).

Nervous about the election?

Posted on November 6, 2016 by luckyotter

election_chart

You’re not alone, as this chart shows. Older people (Silent Generation) are the most stressed out (probably because they are the most vulnerable group of people), followed by young adult Millennials, a generation that has been hobbled by an economic system that has prevented them from being able to get a foothold in the door of full adulthood (no, they are NOT entitled–they just want what previous generations had that has been denied to them). Gen-Xers are the least stressed out, but they have always been somewhat disaffected and of all the living generations, tend to be the least involved in politics and the least likely to vote. They tend to focus most of their attention on personal or local matters as opposed to national ones. But even almost half of them are on tenterhooks about the election along with everyone else.

Other countries are nervous about this election too. Starbucks’ CEO Howard Schultz talks about that in this article and video. I think of all the elections in the history of this nation, none has been as nerve-wracking as this one. Given the mood of the country right now, no matter who wins, I could see massive rioting breaking out in urban areas should it be a close election.

I really wish I could just leave should the worst happen. If Trump wins, I could see people leaving the country en masse, especially progressives with enough means to do so and young Millennials who aren’t afraid of taking risks. It would be the first time in history that people wanted to get out of America. Should something like that happen, we’d be left with a nation full of wealthy white conservatives and the most vulnerable impoverished people, with no one in between as a buffer. That would bring us even closer to third-world status than we already are. I could see mass unrest/rioting or even a civil war breaking out all too easily, and a police state being set up to control the hordes of angry, rioting people. I could see a Hunger Games-type situation in our future. We are definitely in a fourth turning. Think the housing crisis of 2008 was bad? You ain’t seen nothing yet. It’s not gonna be pretty.

I wonder if another wealthy country (like Canada?) would intervene in that case, the way we always seem to be getting involved in other countries who need outside assistance. I heard a rumor that Canada has set aside areas for refugees to settle should Trump win, which would not require a passport. I have no idea if this is true or not. Even Mexico (which hardly qualifies as first world) looks like a viable option for those who want to escape.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to vomit on election night from the stress. I’ve never been this nervous about any election.