My little girl is getting married!

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Talk about a whirlwind romance!   She started dating Robert (“Bobby”) in August, but they had been friends for a year or two before they fell in love, so it wasn’t like they were complete strangers.   They met through mutual friends.  There were a few problems at first in their relationship, but they seem to have gotten past and resolved them.

I’ve watched the two of them together, and I can honestly say I’ve never met a man who treats my daughter as well as Bobby does.  He shows no signs of any narcissism, or any personality disorder for that matter, although he has a few neuroses (but don’t we all).    He treats her like a queen but not in the typical wine and dine way of a narcissist.  He doesn’t shower her constantly with material gifts and dinners and flowers, but he’s considerate and empathetic and genuine, and he has taken to me too, and I to him.  I’m looking forward to calling him my son in law.  I think they will be good together and can grow and learn together as a couple.

He’s pretty stable financially, has never been married (he said he never met anyone he loved before), and also he is close to his own family who lives in this area.  At first I was concerned about his age, because he’s going to be 40 this month (he was born in 1979) and my daughter is just 25 (she was born in 1993).   But at her age, 15 years isn’t that huge an age difference, and it happens quite frequently that the bride is a younger than the groom.  She has dated boys her own age and in my opinion, they’ve all seemed a bit immature and self centered.  They certainly didn’t seem ready to support my daughter emotionally or financially (even though she will continue to work and don’t plan to get pregnant for at least a year or so).

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We’re not wealthy people by any means, but that doesn’t mean she can’t have a special day.   They don’t want to wait, so they are going to be married at the Courthouse next Monday (she’s not pregnant).  She ordered her own dress which by the way is absolutely beautiful and so flattering on her.   It’s a knee length long sleeve dress that is casual enough she could wear it for other dressy occasions.   I ordered her a pastel floral headband and some beautiful white ballet flats with a beautiful lace overlay.   She will wear my pearls (that I wore at my wedding) for something old and borrowed; a beaded off white clutch purse,  and a pretty bracelet with pale blue glass beads and rhinestones (for something blue).  This week she’s going to have her hair professionally done: a trim, and soft curls and highlights put in.

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Her dad and I will be there to sponsor them, and this Friday they’re going to the Courthouse to register.   After the little wedding, we’re going out to Carrabba’s for dinner (he dad has declined to join, which I’m relieved about) and then back to my place for a special cake I will have made for them.

Later on, if they want, they can always have another wedding with all the trimmings and a big reception, but I don’t think that’s a priority of theirs.  They just want to be married now!   I don’t blame them.  It will be lovely.

They have actually been engaged since the end of August (he was going to propose to her when we were at Myrtle Beach), but he didn’t have enough to buy the ring at that time, so he proposed on Christmas.   Here is the video I took of that.   She told me later she knew he was proposing, but by her reaction, you’d think she didn’t know a thing.

“Yes, I’ll marry you, stupid!”

A little romance.

I love this photo of my daughter and her fiance.

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More family drama.

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My son with a huge telephoto lens The Parasite sent him.

The Parasite (my ASPD/malignant narc ex) is now giving my son the silent treatment. A few days ago, flush with all his new money, he sent my son a very expensive, professional quality Nikon camera and various photographic accessories. It was nice of him. But there were strings attached: my son was told not to tell me The Parasite got his $31K from the government or tell me about the expensive photographic equipment he received. The Parasite must have known he would tell me though, because my son has always been honest to a fault. He’s honest even when he shouldn’t be.

So my son called the other night and told me, and that’s how I knew. He could tell I was upset even though I was happy that at least he’d bought my son a camera. He then told Parasite that he’d told me, and his father went ballistic, and has now blocked his calls and blocked him on Facebook and told my daughter he doesn’t want to ever speak to him again.

I know it’s temporary; he’s played these narc games before. My son being The Parasite’s second favorite scapegoat (after me), is used to being emotionally abused by his father. Growing up, there wasn’t much I could do to stop it.

But now the wonderful gift my son got is tainted. I know it would bother me a lot to look at a gift given to me by someone who days later blocked me and refused to speak to me just because I was honest. Especially if I was honest to someone I loved as much as my son loves me. The Parasite knows my son prefers me to him (even though my finances limit me to cheap gifts) and that enrages him. It just makes me so sad. I hope he’s still able to enjoy the gift.

On a happier note, my daughter got her engagement ring! I think they have the date set for April 20th (4/20, lol). She will have just turned 23. That’s young, but not too young, and her fiance is 4 years older. This is what she wanted so I’m happy.

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I told my ASPD ex he was a narcissist, and…

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I woke up this morning feeling good. I’ve been feeling somehow…changed since my epiphany a week ago. I have been a little more grandiose acting, which I think is partly due to the outer mask of inferiority and worthlessness falling off during my trip down the rabbit hole.

In church I prayed for humility and asked God to not let me become too full of myself and to keep things real. Because I know grandiosity will be my defeat in the long run and the things I have planned ahead could be ruined by that. I never saw my grandiosity before, but then again I kept it hidden, even from myself, under an emotionally self-flagellating, almost masochistic social mask.

I was excited about my daughter’s big news. She wanted my malignant narcissist ex (her father) there also, so I knew it had to be pretty big.

Her boyfriend (well, fiance!), Ryan, asked to speak to us alone, separately, and actually asked each of our permission to marry our daughter. How chivalrous and old school and gentlemanly that was, and of course I said yes. I think he’ll actually get down on his knees and propose formally once she picks out a ring (they’re at the mall tonight). Anyway, I like the guy. He’s humble and quiet and financially stable. My ex also gave his blessing.

I found myself mouthing corny old cliches like, “I’m not losing a daughter, I’m gaining a son” and “never go to bed mad at each other!” (I said the same thing to my ex when we married but of course we always went to bed mad). So I had to laugh at myself for that. Suddenly the bustling, fussy mother-of-the-bride mode took over and I started spouting all kinds of ideas for the wedding. It’s going to be small and informal, possibly outdoors, most likely in April, right after her 23rd birthday.

Knowing what their news was in advance (mothers always know), I had brought over the tea-length informal wedding dress I wore when I married her father in 1986 (actually I found it in the prom department and it was a lot cheaper than similar dresses found in the bridal department). I made her try it on; it fits her almost perfectly . It’s a little loose in the bust but she can wear padding or have it taken in, depending on whether she wants to go fuller on top or not). She’s an inch shorter than me too, so the dress is slightly longer on her but that’s okay and actually looks better a little longer.

The first picture shows what the dress looks like on her.
The second shows the same dress on me at my own wedding 29 years ago. She wasn’t interested in the ridiculous 1980s headpiece I;m wearing, but I can’t say I blame her for that. 😀
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I was feeling expansive and loving everyone after the wine I had and the announcement, and I started thinking how nice it would be if there could healing in this family, if there wasn’t always so much drama and animosity. So in my tipsy state, I decided to approach my ex and tell him I thought we were both narcissists, and then apologize for my part in the mess our marriage became.

I told him I was a covert narcissist (and explained what that was because he didn’t know), he did two surprising things. First, he told me he didn’t think I was a narcissist (after gaslighting me for years telling me I WAS one!)
I told him why he was wrong, because covert narcissists don’t act like grandiose ones. I explained a little about the mechanics of the narcissistic mind, and about the false and the true self.
Then I told him (gently) that I thought he was a narcissist too, that in fact I knew he was, but I didn’t hate him for it.

He said that based on what I’d said (he trusts my opinions about psychology since I majored in it and always impressed him with that line of knowledge) he knows he may be a narcissist. But then he told me he had something even worse–Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)–an actual diagnosis, which he’d known about for months. It came around the time I wrote this rant about his being rewarded for being a potentially homicidal psychopath. Obviously, my BPD rage was coming out in that article but it makes me laugh now. I can’t believe how much I’ve changed since I wrote that. It’s kind of embarrassing to read it now, even though I had every right to be mad as a caged hyena.

He still was able to gaslight me a little though, and said I was “manic” and “bipolar” about my excitement about both the wedding and my plans for my two blogs down the line and a possible book (an idea’s finally forming in my mind about what the book will be about but I’m not saying anything yet). I realized (with more than a little embarrassment) I was being a little grandiose (since my epiphany, I’ve become VERY aware of my narcissistic behaviors when they come out and have to catch and stop myself sometimes), but here he was calling me “manic.”

But at least he isn’t denying he’s a narc. Although we will never again be friends and I still avoid him as much as I can (low contact), I can tell he’s mulling the idea that he’s a narcissist in his mind and somehow I think that could lead to a kind of understanding, which would be nice with our daughter’s wedding coming up sometime early next year.

Also please see my article, 5 Reasons Why You Should Never Tell a Narcissist They’re a Narcissist