Everywhere at the End of Time…Part 2 (my reactions)


(Continued from Part 1)

All artwork illustrating the stages of dementia are by Ivan Seal.

Yesterday I gave you a bit of background about Everywhere at the End of Time, a  musical and artistic masterpiece by “The Caretaker” (James Leyland Kirby), a British composer and musician who became deeply interested in Alzheimers Disease and the process of dementia, and composed a six album work of musical art depicting what the descent from near normality to the empty void of total memory loss would feel like.

I suggest you read both these articles first (and watch some video reviews about it first), before diving into this thing.  I will warn you right now:  it’s dark and at times both tragically sad and existentially terrifying.  You may feel overwhelmed or have strange physical sensations such as cold chills. You might feel scared or paranoid. You likely will cry.  In my opinion, listening to this is not a lot different from taking a mind altering drug like ayahuasca or another psychedelic.  You should set aside an entire day because you might need to focus on your feelings and thoughts and have time to process everything and think about what you just heard.  Some people prefer to listen to it over several days because it’s hard to take it all in in just one sitting.

I’ll post the link again for the entire six and a half hour long album.


It’s also on Youtube (you can also find it divided up for each stage if you prefer that).

All that said, let’s dive in.  I’m going to describe each Stage as best as I’m able, and talk about how each stage made me feel.

Stage One

Stage 1 and 2 correspond to the earlier stages of Alzheimers/dementia.  This is when a person begins to forget things, such as car keys or has momentary embarrassing memory lapses.

They may forget names, but usually this forgetfulness doesn’t extend to close friends or family members, and it’s fleeting.  The person is still functional, may still be able to work or drive a car, but may begin to realize something is wrong.

Stage 1 is composed of mostly upbeat ballroom pop songs, very similar to the haunting 1920s/1930s music from the movie The Shining.  In fact, Kirby was so inspired and haunted by the ballroom music in that movie that he decided the same kind of music would work for this album (in fact, he adopted the handle “The Caretaker” after the Jack Nicholson character in that film).  He liked the sense of nostalgia the ballroom music evoked, the echoey sound of it that made it seem like it was coming from empty, cavernous rooms, and also the feeling of it being “a long time ago,” since Alzheimers usually affects the elderly.  The music was just haunting enough, without actually sounding “off,” that while a pleasant listening experience, it could also be thought of as depicting the very earliest stages of Alzheimers, with the person displaying no symptoms yet but tending to focus on the past and losing themselves in nostalgic reverie about romantic interludes when they were still in their prime.

The album notes make the same observation in different words:

Here we experience the first signs of memory loss.
This stage is most like a beautiful daydream.
The glory of old age and recollection.
The last of the great days.

Stage 1 is definitely the most listenable stage, not at all offensive, but as the pretty music does sound like it’s coming from empty, cavernous ballrooms and I associate it with The Shining, one of the scariest movies I ever saw, it’s still a slightly unsettling listening experience. You also know what’s coming.  The very first song, here called “It’s Just a Burning Memory,” appears again and again in every subsequent stage, each time sounding less and less like the original.  Sometimes you can only hear a few of the chords behind waves of static, or the chords are so drawn and stretched out they sound like whale calls, or it just sounds really “off.”  I’ll explain more about this as we move on.  I think this particular song represents the patient’s most cherished memory, the one they never want to lose.  The struggle to hold onto this memory throughout the course of this disease is one of the central themes that makes the dementia experience so emotionally harrowing. 

Stage Two

From the album notes:

The second stage is the self realisation and awareness that something is wrong with a refusal to accept that. More effort is made to remember so memories can be more long form with a little more deterioration in quality. The overall personal mood is generally lower than the first stage and at a point before confusion starts setting in.

This is the last album in the series that one might call pleasant listening, though I found it HIGHLY unsettling and could not listen to it for more than a few minutes at a time because of how edgy and uncomfortable it made me feel.  While this stage still depicts early Alzheimer’s and the person is still more or less functional, we are at the point now where the patient is aware something is very wrong, may have received a diagnosis, and is terrified, knowing there is no cure and it will only continue to get worse. This existential dread and terror is evident in the music, which comes across as an unpleasant dissonance, rising waves of static (brain noise?), songs that appear to stop and start, and then stop again, as if something has been “forgotten” and the person is trying to remember.  The ballroom music here, while still pretty, sometimes sounds sour, off key, or as if it’s coming from inside the person’s head.  The song “What Does It Matter How My Heart Breaks” is a reprise of Stage 1’s “Just a Burning Memory” and while clearly recognizable as the same song, is chillingly distorted and diminished somehow.

The artwork used on the album cover perfectly captures the feeling of Stage 2.  It’s pretty, just flowers in a vase, but the flowers look sad and wilted, and the vase itself is just…wrong.  Like something in a state of decay.

I can’t listen to any of Stage 2 without feeling a sense of impending doom, though it’s hard to pinpoint exactly why.  I don’t like it.  But this is nothing.  Things only get worse from here.

Stage 3

Stage 3, in some ways, is the most terrifying to me.  At this stage, the dementia patient is beginning to have more severe memory lapses and may now need help with everyday activities.  They may fade in and out of being aware and outside awareness.

The album notes state that

Here we are presented with some of the last coherent memories before confusion fully rolls in and the grey mists form and fade away. Finest moments have been remembered, the musical flow in places is more confused and tangled. As we progress some singular memories become more disturbed, isolated, broken and distant. These are the last embers of awareness before we enter the post awareness stages.

This is the last stage in which the patient is still aware they have a problem.  They are standing at the edge of a bottomless abyss.

Stage 3 is nearly unlistenable to me.  Though it still can be classified as “music” rather than the “noise” that is to come, it’s increasingly disjointed, dissonant, chaotic, and garbled, at times edging into walls of static, which keep getting louder.  By the end of this stage, the wall of static and noise seems to be becoming dominant over the music, which fades in and out, stops and starts in fits, sometimes to be taken over by another snatch of a different song (melody), in a mighty struggle against this disease which wants to consume all memory.  “And Heart Breaks” is the Stage 3 reprise of the song that was in Stages 1 and 2, and like its shortened title (as if some words have been forgotten), it seems like a truncated version of its original.

To me, Stage 3 this depicts the person, still aware they are ill and will continue to get worse, desperately clutching onto memories, any memories, as they come up, but they are quickly swept away in the ocean of static, competing memories, and confusing, dronelike noise, leaving the person adrift in a sea of helplessness, despair and terror.

Stage 3 was very frightening to me.  It made the goosebumps stand up on my arms and I felt ice cold and shaken for a good hour or two after listening. I did not want to be alone, and felt so spooked I had to turn on all the lights and check to make sure the doors were locked. I was unable to continue listening that day, and had to save Stage 4 for the next.  I have no idea how I got any sleep that night.  Maybe I was just exhausted, as this music can do that to you too.

The artwork, once again, is very fitting and accurately evokes feelings of chaos, confusion, dread and terror.  While I think this is supposed to be a broken vase or a bunch of tangled weeds (or a vase exploded by the tangled weeds?), its spidery, sinister outlines and bizarre shapes remind me of dancing demons.  There’s a strong feeling of suffocating evil in this image.

After this Stage, the person enters the more advanced stages of dementia, and is no longer self aware.  They may be easily confused by things they used to understand and no longer recognize loved ones.

Stage 4

If you thought Stage 3 was chaotic, confusing, and scary, it’s nothing compared to Stage 4, which can no longer properly even be called music.  From this point on, the “songs” become long 20 to 30 minute pieces, exploring deepening phases of dementia and brain decay.   Three of the four pieces in this stage are called “Post Awareness Confusions,” which is exactly what they are.   While they are subtly different from each other, at times they remind me of nothing so much as a radio dial frantically trying to tune into any station at all, failing to pick up more than a few seconds of garbled memory (music) snippets, and disappearing into the maddening static.  The third piece, called, “Temporary Bliss State,” is really anythig but.   It seems to take a pretty, but repetitive and maddeningly pointless melody that goes nowhere and keeps repeating, and overlays it on top of the static and background noise.  It’s as if the person’s decaying mind is desperately trying to think happy thoughts to drown out the horror that is actually playing out, but failing miserably.   To call this a “bliss state” seems almost ironic, though it may still be a respite from the constant horror of a breaking brain that only keeps getting more broken.

According to the album description,

Post-Awareness Stage 4 is where serenity and the ability to recall singular memories gives way to confusions and horror. It’s the beginning of an eventual process where all memories begin to become more fluid through entanglements, repetition and rupture.

The artwork, depicting what appears to be a woman turned partly away from us, in close up, shows a masklike face without features.  I feel like this represents the fact that it’s during Stage 4 that a person may no longer know who they are or who they were, and may no longer recognize close friends and family members.

WARNING:  There is a “jump scare” in the transition from Stage 4 to Stage 5. As if you’re not scared enough already.

Stage 5

We’ve crossed the line into advanced Alzheimers/dementia and at this point the patient is no longer able to perform even the most basic self care, and is probably in full time nursing care by now.  They probably don’t understand or comprehend anything that’s going on in their environment.  If they still speak, they may have no idea what they are talking about.

Post-Awareness Stage 5 confusions and horror.
More extreme entanglements, repetition and rupture can give way to
calmer moments. The unfamiliar may sound and feel familiar.
Time is often spent only in the moment leading to isolation.

This is an absolutely terrifying stage, and the disease, which has reduced a feeling, thinking human being with a lifetime of cherished memories into an undead shell of what they once were, now sets about ravaging what’s left of the person’s brain in earnest.  Each of the 4 “songs” (again, about 20 to 30 minutes in length for each one) convey 4 horrifying stages of brain decay: two of “Advanced Plaque Entanglements,” followed by “Synapse Retrogenesis” (the synapses between neurons, which formed early in life, are now breaking apart) and finally “Sudden Time Regression into Isolation.”

This last is the most profoundly depressing and scary thing on this album so far.  The “isolation” in the title is significant, for after a harrowing 20 minutes of deafening static and ambient drone obscuring distorted and sometimes bizarrely stretched out snatches of ballroom melody that appear and disappear like ghosts in a black hole (I interpret the static here as the “zapping” and destruction of any remaining memories), only silence (isolation) remains.  The silence isn’t total silence though; there is still faint static, that infernal droning, and snatches of remaining memory that sound like they’re light years away. But there’s also a kind of peace that finally seems to descend into this howling wilderness: the blissful peace of oblivion. The peace of an empty, unthinking mind that exists now only in the present because there’s no longer any mechanism to retreat into the past.

The painting for this album is incredibly upsetting to me.  I’m not sure what it is, though it kind of looks like a woman standing on a staircase holding an umbrella or walking stick.  There’s also an object that might be a fan. But it also looks like something disgusting and organic, like a cancer or an infection, or a mysterious and dangerous sea creature from the hadal depths of the ocean.  I really can’t look at this image without the little hairs standing up on the back of my neck.

Stage 6

Post-Awareness Stage 6 Is without description.

At this stage, the last stage before death (most Alzheimers patients die of something else first), the person is bedridden, and cannot move. Everything has been forgotten, not just all memories and awareness, but also the primitive brain functions that tell the person how to breathe or swallow. The brain is so destroyed that the person may no longer be able to eat or breathe without medical intervention.

To give you an idea of the severity of the physical destruction that’s taken place, here’s a comparison of a normal brain with a brain destroyed by Alzheimers:

And yet, there’s still activity there.  The first “song,” A Confusion So Thick You Forget Forgetting” is mostly just…silence and emptiness.  But not quite.  Listen carefully; there is a distant dull droning and occasional bursts of static and heavily distorted musical chords recorded at such impossibly low frequency they sound like whale calls…but are actually, unbelievably, the corrupted remains of what were once ballroom pop ditties (memories).  The moment I realized what these low, droning, chordlike sounds actually were…it’s hard to explain the sense of horrified shock but simultaneous satisfaction I felt.  It was almost the exact same feeling I got during the movie The Shining, when Wendy looks into the model hotel maze in the lobby and it suddenly becomes impossibly vast…or the scene in the 1979 horror movie When A Stranger Calls, when Carol Kane answers the phone, only to be told by police that the phone calls she has been getting are coming from inside the house.  You know that feeling.  You’ve had it in your nightmares.  It’s the emotional equivalent of a jump scare.

There’s a kind of peacefulness in Stage 6 that is almost a relief after the relentless confusion and terror of Stages 4 and 5.  In a way, it’s almost relaxing, though it is also unspeakably sad.   You may feel sleepy, or just feel empty and exhausted.  You may even cry.  But if you thought this was sad, it’s nothing compared to the last piece, “Place in the World Fades Away.”   I don’t want to spoil anything, but holy fuckballs, Batman.   I have never been this emotionally moved by any piece of music, anywhere, ever.  It’s a sadness of such depth and intensity it transforms into a kind of joy.

I know I said I didn’t want to spoil anything, but I do need to point out that I don’t think the sudden return of coherent music at the very end was “music heard at the old folk’s home but not comprehended as music” as the young guy in second reaction video (in Part 1) explained it.   No, in fact I think the music represented a sudden return of full awareness and even temporarily recovered memories. Yes, even in their mentally and physically degraded state.  There is a fairly well known phenomenon familiar to people who work in hospice and with advanced dementia patients called Terminal Lucidity.  Shortly before death, sometimes days or hours before, there is a surge of DMT from the pineal gland, buried deep in a part of the brain Alzheimers does not affect.  The brain is suddenly bathed in DMT, the strongest known hallucinogenic drug, which is made naturally in the human brain and helps a person transition while dying.  Before death, the chemical may temporarily bring back their mental faculties.  There have been cases of advanced dementia patients, patients in comas for years, who were believed to be brain dead, who suddenly, just before they died, “woke up” and became fully aware of their surroundings and able to talk to their loved ones.  This may be nature’s way of allowing the person one last hurrah before death, as well as helping them make the final transition.  Terminal lucidity is what I believe was actually happening when the music suddenly reappeared after hours of nothing but static, noise, and corrupted, fractured pieces of what had once been music.  The choir voices that supplant the piano music seem to indicate the person has finally freed themselves of their broken mind and body, finally able to find peace.

The artwork for Stage 6 is an empty canvas with some pieces of tape stuck on it, forming a box or a window.   Or, maybe it’s the back of a canvas with the real painting turned away from us, hidden so it might as well not even exist.  I’m not sure, but whatever it is, this image depicts Emptiness.

Concluding Thoughts

Since I had this experience, I have felt a great sense of regret and sadness over my MIL, who had Alzheimers and passed away in 2003.  Because she was no longer able to live on her own (she had become a danger to herself), we took her into our home.  My husband had never had a good relationship with his mother, and under the ravages of dementia, her aggressiveness, hostility toward him, and mood swings became worse.  My husband at the time, not a patient man, frequently lost his temper, belittled and yelled at her for her forgetfulness and things such as wetting the bed or leaving the stove on.  I am ashamed to say I enabled him in this behavior and sometimes participated in it myself.  At the time I was dealing with a lot of personal demons and wasn’t very empathetic to her.  Our attitude toward this helpless woman also set a bad example in front of our kids.   Eventually, her condition became so severe we could no longer take care of her needs, which by now included other medical conditions.  We were forced to put her into a nursing home, where she got excellent care until she died.  I’ve been thinking a lot about her, about older people and dementia in general, and struggling with regret and sadness for not having treated her with more kindness and empathy.  It must have been absolute hell to be inside her mind, succumbing to dementia.  I had no idea.  I hope God will forgive me for that.  I hope she has too, wherever she is.  I think people working with dementia patients should be required to listen to this album.  It teaches and I think, enhances empathy.

I do feel like my empathy has increased overall.  I feel more generally loving toward humanity as a species and have a newfound reverence for the fleeting beauty and fragility of life.  We all dance in the sun, and fade away. 

I’ll stop here.  Everywhere at the End of Time is an artistic masterpiece you should experience for yourself.   Each person’s experience is unique, even though there are universal feelings we all can share.   Great art should make you uncomfortable.  It should make you squirm, get angry, cry, and quake in terror.  But in the end, it should make you a better person.  I am a better person than I was before I listened to this.

I feel like I should warn you though.  if you are currently depressed, suicidal, or prone to anxiety or panic attacks, I would avoid this experience and save it for a later time, maybe.  Like I mentioned before, this kind of artistic immersion is not unlike a psychedelic drug and can intensify emotions you’re already struggling with.

Everywhere at the End of Time (by “The Caretaker”): this album broke me.

Cover art for each of the 6 albums (each representing a different stage in the progression of Alzheimers/dementia) by artist Ivan Seal.

This is the first post of two.

I didn’t think the first post I’d write in more than two months would be about a six and a half hour long ambient album I stumbled across on Youtube because some Gen Z kids decided to challenge themselves to cry on Youtube after listening to it and thus made the original video (not their reactions, as interesting as they were) go nearly viral.   But here I am and that’s what I’m going to write about (the album, not the bored Gen Zers).  Life is weird, what can I say?

Actually, I have a lot to say.  I’m not exaggerating when I tell you this was the most profoundly emotional musical experience I’ve ever had.  It broke me, and then it changed me.  For now I’m just going to focus on the music (if it can be called that) and its immediate effects on me.

But first a little background.

Everywhere At the End of Time is an experimental/ambient musical art project (technically, “dark ambient”) by British musician and composer James Leyland Kirby (he bills himself as “The Caretaker,” after the Jack Nicholson character in the horror movie The Shining, which  was also the inspiration for the haunting 1930s ballroom music that opens this album and reappears in more distorted versions at intervals throughout).  The Caretaker wanted to convey, using music and later, degenerated music that can only be called noise, what it’s like to experience dementia from inside the deteriorating mind of a sufferer.

Everywhere at the End of Time is divided into six entire albums, each one roughly corresponding to the 7 medically recognized stages of Alzheimers Disease (or dementia due to other neurodegenerative diseases such as Lewy Body Dementia, a form of Parkinson’s that affects the brain rather than the body).  The six albums were released during a three year period, from 2016 to 2019.  Kirby felt that by releasing the albums over a long period of time, listeners would get more of the feel of the long slow decline of dementia, and also experience the sense of waiting the patients’ loved ones go through. Kirby said he became so fascinated with dementia, particularly Alzheimer’s dementia, that after studying its effects on the human mind and body, he was inspired to depict its ravages in musical form.

Kirby was kind enough to make his masterpiece available to everyone.  All six and a half hours of it can be found here:


If you prefer, the album in its entirety can also be found on Youtube:

Before I set out to describe each Stage and my reactions to them, I want to mention  some other reaction/review videos on Youtube.  Here is one of the best ones (this is in fact the one that sent me down the rabbit hole):

And another, which I really liked a lot:

Before I go into my reviews and reactions, let me explain why there are so many reaction videos, which seem to be mostly from geeky young men and gamer types.  Shortly after its release, it became a kind of meme to “challenge yourself” to listen to the entirety of Everywhere at the End of Time (because it’s not an easy listen and at times can be profoundly depressing or existentially terrifying) and then post your reaction to it.  The challenge started on Tik Tok and eventually moved to Youtube. 

Some critics of the reaction videos felt that these millennials and Gen Z’ers were making light of a serious album about a dark subject and turning it into a kind of game. They believed that cheapened what Kirby’s project was trying to convey.  But Kirby actually wasn’t bothered.  When he found out about the Everywhere at the End of Time “challenge,” he said that if his music was causing younger people to develop empathy toward (mostly older) people with dementia and Alzheimers (and since almost all of them cried, empathy could be assumed) and making a “challenge” out of it was the the avenue that inspired them to actually listen to the entirety of something so dark and serious, then it was a good thing.  This genre of music (dark ambient/drone) isn’t exactly catchy pop and would never get radio airplay, but because the Tik Tok/Youtube challenges made Kirby’s project go near viral, it’s getting a lot of attention it otherwise would never have achieved.  And that’s educating a lot of people about dementia and voluntarily experience, through the music, what it FEELS like to have this illness. It teaches empathy for people with this devastating disease. One woman I know who works with Alzheimers nursing home patients, says she has developed a level of empathy for these patients she never had before listening to Everywhere at the End of Time.    Even I, who was never very patient with my ex husband’s mother, who lived with us while suffering from early to mid stage Alzheimer’s, now feel sadness and regret that I wasn’t kinder to her while she was with us.  This disease must have been pure hell for her but she was unable to express her terror and grief coherently.  She passed away years ago; I wish there was a way I could tell her I’m sorry.

Like many others, I was scared to listen to Everywhere at the End of Time at first.  It was the video I posted above called “This Album Will Break You” that first caught my interest.  The clips I heard in that were pretty damn unsettling.   I wanted to listen to all six and a half hours, but I was afraid to in that same way some people are afraid to take LSD or another psychedelic drug if they’ve never done so before.  They’re afraid they might lose their minds.  I sensed this album was going to take me mental and emotional places I wasn’t sure I wanted to confront, but at the same time, I knew that doing so could be potentially life changing.   In the comments under the videos, I saw I wasn’t alone in my trepidation.  Many people are literally afraid to listen to this album because they know how unsettling, upsetting, and even terrifying it can be.  One way around this is to make your first listen “with” someone else who is narrating it for you.   So my first listen was with PizzaManSteve, who plays the entire album and reacts and comments throughout.  His loud reactions and crying at the end are a bit distracting and makes it hard to hear the music, but it’s a genuine reaction that many people seem to share.  The first time you listen, you may want to listen to his video first, as you’ll feel less “alone” than listening to the full album posted above without any commentary at all.  I was afraid that would freak me out. Yes, it’s that intense.

Before I move on to my reactions, I want to mention the artwork by Ivan Seal.  The six paintings used to illustrate each stage of dementia are absolutely perfect in conveying exactly what the stages FEEL like.  The objects they depict are difficult or impossible to identify, but they still look and feel familiar, the way an Alzheimers patient might look at a person or an object, and not quite be able to place who or what it is, and yet know they have seen it before.  The feel of these paintings is similar to the “name one thing in this photo” viral AI photograph that shows a bunch of familiar looking objects that you just cannot identify.  This was supposed to depict what things look like to stroke victims.

The paintings look organic, disorganized, or decayed. Even the flower vase in Stage 2 is unsettling.   The woman’s masklike face in Stage 4 depicts loss of self awareness a patient with dementia experiences at that point in her illness.  It also may be how others start to appear to her, as she loses her ability to remember the names and faces of even her closest family members.

All the images are incredibly unsettling in ways that are hard to describe (much like the music itself), but for some unknown reason, the artwork for Stage 5 frightened me the most.  Stage 5 is advanced Alzheimer’s, nearing the end.  During this stage, the brain literally self destructs, destroying whatever memories still remain.  Its “songs” have  titles like “Advanced Plaque Entanglements,” “Synapse Retrogenesis,” and “Sudden Time Regression into Isolation.”

Holy hell, that sounds absolutely horrifying.

Back in the 1990s, an artist named William Untermohlen, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimers in 1995 at the age of 61, decided to paint himself at intervals throughout his illness. Each portrait here (except the first) roughly corresponds to the stages depicted in Everywhere at the End of Time.   As Untermohlen’s memory and sense of self declined, you can see these changes in this series of self portraits (the first was a self portrait from 1967, years before the onset of his illness).


End of Part 1.  

Go on to Part 2.

Musical Midi-Unicorn — amazing!

Someone made this unicorn out of musical notes.

Therapy in Color

I have always believed in the power of art and creativity. Engaging in painting, drawing, poetry-writing, singing, sculpture, cartooning, creative writing, music-making, arts and crafts, and even cooking, scrapbooking, and home decor relax the mind, feed the soul, and bring us closer to our Creator. Each one of us has been blessed with some kind of creative gift and it’s our job to find out what it is we love to do best, and use it to connect more deeply with the world, not just escape from it.  Making art in any form also fosters mindfulness.

Even something as seemingly childish as coloring books can help us connect with our creative muse. This article explains why.
After all, it’s the child in us that gets activated when we create, and there’s no one more creative than a young child.

Catharine Toso

An increasing number of adults are handling stress by engaging with art. Specifically, art in the form of coloring books. But while some may consider this to be a temporary fad, the psychology behind it is much deeper. Neuroscience Ph.D. candidate Jordan Gaines Lewis explains the appeal of coloring books to adults, and why they work, in a piece for New York Magazine’s The Science of Us blog.

Creative engagement is a major stress-reliever for many people. If you are artistically inclined, whether it be in the visual arts, music, or literature, you already know this. However, just because one lacks artistic training doesn’t mean that this great feeling can’t be experienced. So many adults are spending time with an open coloring books because it allows us to exercise our creative muscle, as long as we can hold a coloring pencil. Lewis cites psychologist Barry Kaufman, who says that the…

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When I used to paint.

I don’t do much painting anymore (except painting the walls in my house), but during my 20s and 30s painting–whether on ceramic tiles or canvas–was very relaxing and enjoyable to me. I sold or gave away most of my artwork, but here are two I refuse to part with.

This first painting, which is an interpretation of a National Geographic photo of mountains in the Pacific Northwest, is hanging over my mantel. There’s a dark and rather eerie moodiness to it that everyone always notices but wasn’t present in the original photograph. I didn’t believe them but I remember looking back at the photo I painted this from and realizing how right they were.

I had been married to my ex for two years at this time and I think his subtle abuse was already beginning to take a toll on my state of mind and my soul.


I used to enjoy painting on tiles too. Here’s one I painted in acrylic (before I got a kiln* and started painting with fireable ceramic paint, which are tricky to learn to use because the colors in the jars are not always the colors they’ll be after firing!)


This is actually a depiction of myself and my fiance (the same man who almost destroyed my life for the next 27 years) during the height of his “love bombing.” It was a whirlwind romance, straight out of a storybook or Harlequin romance.

Beware of men (or women) who come on strong with the romance and sweep you off your feet–they are probably predators who have targeted you as prey.

All cynicism aside, I still love this painting and it hangs in my bathroom. We’re shown far away in this idyllic (and idealistic) scene (naked in the pond, naturally!), but I thought the likeness was still pretty accurate.

* I have not had the kiln since 1993. One of my cats at the time, an unfixed male, used it to “mark” and everytime I’d fire it up after that, the smell that permeated the house was unbearable! I couldn’t even sell the thing.

Otter table.

otter table ying yang

I think these otter tables by artist Marvin Elliott are amazing. I love the way the otters form a yin yang and the glass is sculpted to look like moving water.


“Seven Deadly Sins” by Deviantart’s Marta Dahlig

I just love Marta Dahlig’s beautiful and haunting “Seven Deadly Sins” series of paintings, so here they are again.
My worst “sins” are Envy, Sloth, and Vanity (Pride). Envy and Sloth are tied for #1.

Lucky Otters Haven

I used three of these beautiful paintings in my article “My Inner Narcissist.” Marta Dahlig, an artist from Poland, is an incredibly talented painter. Here is her page on Deviantart where you can see more of her work, but here I’m just going to post her haunting and perfectly executed interpretations of all seven “deadly sins.” I just love these!


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Processing my trip down the rabbit hole.


I’m so glad I talked about it. Everyone has been great. There have been no negative comments and hardly any unfollows, which surprised me. I’ve had a few comments like these though:

“You can’t be a narc, you’re too self aware and have too much remorse,”
“You’re a good person, so that can’t be true.”
“It’s just a bad case of ‘fleas'”
“It’s probably really just complex PTSD mixed with BPD”
“It’s probably NVS (narcissistic victim syndrome).”

Denial is understandable; I denied it too. For months. And it could be that all those things are true too. Narcissism is, after all, a result of being a victim. Narcissists are the most damaged of all victims, so damaged they became what was destroying them. And until (and if) I can get an official NPD diagnosis (which I probably wouldn’t get anyway, because I don’t fit the classic DSM criteria for NPD), there’s a possibility that I don’t have NPD at all, covert or not. Narcissists low on the spectrum aren’t necessarily bad people who have lost their humanity, but they are broken people and some want help. BPD symptoms and Avoidant PD symptoms mixed together can also look a lot like covert narcissism, but a few things didn’t fit–like the hidden resentment, envy and grandiosity I thought everyone felt.

In addition, because of the intensity of the emotions and events that led to my discovery and the surreal and almost supernatural coincidences that began to play out immediately after, as well as an enormous feeling of relief and a completely shifted vantage point where I could now see myself as others saw me, I can only believe my disorder is real and not a figment of a deluded imagination.

I feel like the copious tears I was able to shed just prior to and during my epiphany both cleansed me of some of the toxic, angry emotions I was always carrying around (suddenly I feel something closer to actual empathy!) and helped carry me to the next step of this journey, which is healing.

I know the next phase will be even more difficult. I doubt I can do it alone. I started a new blog intended to act as a therapy tool for this second big phase of my journey (and is also intended to help others in similar positions find their way), much as this blog has been a therapy tool for the first.

Because there’s no way I can afford the type of therapist I’d need, I’ve decided to search for a university clinical psychology program that uses BPD/NPD patients as “guinea pigs” to people training to be therapists, especially in reparenting/psychoanalytic (not just behavioral like CBT) techniques.


During my crisis last week I thought the shock of finding out the truth would kill me. But it didn’t and now I think it’s the most pivotal moment in my life. It also proved to me that God not only exists but loves me very much, because this revelation came after weeks of prayer that I thought were falling on deaf ears. I was almost ready to give up my faith because nothing was happening.
I was even losing interest in writing.
And then it happened, when I didn’t expect it. It hurt more than I can describe in words. But so does bearing a child–something wondrous comes after all the pain. God doesn’t always make things easy.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen down the line, but that’s not for me to know yet.
The idea to start a new blog happened after the dust settled so I think that was part of his plan for me.
If I’m right and God has taken the reins of my journey, I have faith he’ll direct me to the right therapist.
I’m both scared to death and excited as hell to meet my real self and for us to become reacquainted.

I think the true self comes out through art and creativity. For some narcissists, the “art” they produce isn’t real art but trash. But if they’re at all able to suspend their false self while creating (and I think some do), their art can be honest and beautiful because it’s coming from a place of truth.
Writing is when my true self is at its strongest. So I’m taking things from there.

I’m not sure which direction this blog is going to take. I’m not sure how to reconcile writing about narcissistic abuse without seeming like a fraud, even though that’s probably stupid because it’s not as if I wasn’t a victim of abuse. I was for my entire life until a year ago. Getting away from my narcs brought me the clarity I needed to get to this point. I don’t even want to think of what I might become if I had never escaped.

If anyone’s afraid I might abandon this blog, I promise I won’t. Just like I wouldn’t abandon a first child after having a second. However, for the time being I may focus a bit more on the new one, because of my need to write about things that would fit better over there right now, as well as mundane things like setting it up, putting some “meat” on it, and getting it established.

I’m not sorry this happened at all. I’m grateful. I feel so much better now, almost happy!

Making a prayer box.

I thought it was time to share this again. It’s a great way to spend a rainy day.

Lucky Otters Haven

Way back in the spring, after I disconnected from my ex, I was trying to find new activities to relax and get me in a more positive mindset. Even though at the time I was still agnostic, I saw this video on making “prayer boxes” and it interested me because I love arts and crafts and it seemed such a positive, creative, fun thing to do.

Here’s a good video that teaches you how to make a prayer box. This is part 1; make sure to watch part 2 also. There are other videos about making prayer boxes but I think this one is good for beginners.

There are no rules for making these boxes and they are so easy. If you aren’t religious, you can call yours a “wish box” or an “inspiration box” or whatever suits you. Just use pictures or objects that mean a lot to you…

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Adventures of S.K. “The Loser”: cartoon diary of myself at age 22 (two of two)

My expression here definitely reflected my attitude at the time about dating.

This second cartoon story (also drawn in 1981) describes the way I longed for a fulfilling romantic relationship, but at the same time was quite ambivalent about the prospect, not having had good role models with my own parents’ marriage, and living in a time where marriage and family were still looked upon as a second-rate occupation for women who were “losers”, i.e. couldn’t do anything else. And yet I still longed for that dream husband and family…

As it turned out, I didn’t marry until I was 27–5 years after I drew this cartoon. Of course, THAT relationship was far from ideal. In the mental state I was in (and already attracted to narcissistic men), I was right to be wary!

The first cartoon story can be seen here.












I really wish I would have continued this hobby…