A reflective trip into our common past.

Posted on April 7, 2016 by luckyotter

My son said he’s spent today feeling reflective and wanted to revisit some of the places he knew as a child, including the home he and his sister were raised in by us. Compared to the last two days, which were fun and active, today was quieter and more reflective for both of us. It was also very healing and put a lot of perspective onto things.

So we took the 20 minute drive to where he grew up, parked the car and just walked around looking (without trying to look too suspicious!) Our old house has fallen into disrepair (I don’t know if anyone lives there) but back in 1993, just after we purchased the house, we planted some trees.

We had this nutty idea of importing 30 tiny Canadian redwood seedlings from a company in British Columbia, Canada. I remember we had to wait a while for them even after they shipped, because first they had to pass some kind of inspection in Florida to make sure they were free of aphids and other microbes that they might have been carrying from outside the US. I remember when we finally got the seedlings, I had to keep them in a tub for a few days to moisten and soften their roots before planting them.

Redwoods are not indigenous to North Carolina, but we did some researchh and found out the moderate humid climate here is actually conducive to their growth, which is why we took a chance on them. Over the years most of the seedlings died, and when the house was finally sold (well, actually foreclosed on) in 2003, the next owners chopped most of the surviving redwoods (about 5 or 6 left) down. I remember being so enraged by that. At the time the doomed young redwoods were about 8-10 feet tall.

But there is one last survivor, a beautiful, majestic redwood that is now 30-40 feet tall and looks very much at home among the small grove of other large trees that were either non-existent or very small when we bought the house in 1993. Here is that redwood as it is today. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that twenty-three years ago it sat in my tub upon arrival encased in a root ball with a plastic bag tied around it.

redwood2

redwood1

redwood_bark

Closeup of the bark–beautiful, red and burled.

I got photos of the rest of the trees (the ones I was able to–I didn’t want to be caught trespassing), all so much bigger than they were in 1993 or even ten years ago. Here’s a cherry tree that was very tiny, barely more than a sapling, but is now a huge shady tree big and sturdy enough to support a tire swing. When my kids were little, the tree was too small to climb, but they used to pick caterpillars from its bark and collect them in a bucket (to be released outside later, as per my instructions.)

cherry_tree cherry_tree2

View of the property as it is today. It was quite bare and almost treeless when we moved in. You can see part of the house on the right. The pink magnolia directly to the left of the house I planted there as a tiny seedling in 1996.

Here is a closeup of the magnolia:

magnoliatree

One of the many pine trees showing off its huge sturdy trunk:

pine_tree

The tree pictured below was the only one that was already big when we purchased the property in 1993, but it’s at least twice the size now and wide enough at the bottom to make a perfect fort for kids to play under. Hell, I used to go sit under that tree to escape from my then husband! Sometimes I even read books under there.

pine_tree2

2 views of the remains of our old outbuilding. The roof has collapsed. My son and I are both attracted to the eerie beauty of abandoned buildings. Seeing the shed we used to store our gardening equipment and other things in was a little bittersweet. I didn’t dare go inside.

abandoned_shed1 abandoned_shed2

A nearby “bamboo forest” growing behind the elementary school my kids attended. It wasn’t there then. Bamboo may be an invasive weed in this country because of its lack of natural enemies to keep its growth in check, but I find it beautiful. I find the same to be true of Kudzu, which also grows here.

bamboo_grove1 bamboo_grove2

Finally, a view of our old neighborhood from the top of a nearby hill:

hightop_view

My son is flying back to Florida in the wee hours this morning. I’m going to miss him, but I feel so happy we had such an amazing time together.

Tomorrow I’ll be able to return to blogging as usual. I’ve been so busy the past few days that keeping up has been difficult. I didn’t even have time to post a Monday Melody, but I promise there will be a new one this coming Monday.

A very busy day.

Posted on April 6, 2016 by luckyotter

I got off early today and my son, his friend Ryan and my daughter came by to pick me up, and we drove out to the WNC Nature Center in East Asheville (Oteen). Four of us; four cameras popping. The day was a bit cool but otherwise perfect, and the animals had just woken up from their daytime meal and were just beginning to become active (though the cougars still seemed a bit lazy).

I took a lot of pictures, and they are in no particular order because there are just so many. So I just peppered them throughout this post. I haven’t given them captions either. I also included some photos ofmy daughter, son, myself and Ryan. The “prism” photos of my daughter and me were a total accident–I’m not sure how that happened but they are cool so I’m posting them.

CLICK ON PHOTOS TO SEE FULL SIZE

We wanted to see the snake and reptile house too, but they were closed for renovations. We probably spent a good two hours there. We saw all sorts of animals indigenous to this area–otters (pretty much everyone’s favorite), giant turtles, birds of prey (I got photos of the owls), wolves (they were still sleeping and are hard to see because of their camouflage), coyotes (one came right up to the fence), foxes (they were very hard to see and too far away to get good photos), cougars (the adorable male and female pair was cuddled up together), and of course the petting zoo animals (goats and donkeys). We also saw deer and a caterpillar web. I got a pretty good closeup of that. I wanted to see the black bears in action but they seemed to be AWOL today.

wnc_naturecenter

We spent about two hours at the Nature Center, and then we all went to eat at O’Charley’s. My son’s friend Casey joined us. I don’t think I’ve ever been so hungry in my life. After our early dinner, we caught the 7 PM showing of Zootopia. I’m finally home, and exhausted, but in a good way. Tomorrow’s his last day here. We haven’t decided what we’re doing yet but it will probably be a less active day.

I not only love my son, I like him too.

Posted on April 5, 2016 by luckyotter

It’s entirely possible to love your child, but not particularly like them, or at least not like the things they do. But my son has grown into an outstanding young man, and not only that, we share many of the same interests. He’s like a more extroverted version of me. We have the same sense of humor and basic philosophies about life. If I just met him on the street, I could see us being friends.

I was annoyed at work because it was taking too long to get done, and I wanted to be off early to spend some time with my son since he’s only here until Thursday morning. He kept himself busy while I was working though. He met up with his sister, who loaned him her car while he’s here (he didn’t have enough to rent a car) and they went to the mall, and then went back to her place and they hung out with her boyfriend (they are back together, sort of) and their dad (my ex). Apparently my ex mellowed quite a bit as far as our son goes, and I was happy to hear they had a nice conversation.

I finally arrived home about 3:30 and didn’t expect to see my son until late tonight, but within the hour he came in the house and announced, “I’m taking you out for a ride.” Okay, I thought. I put away the laptop and changed my clothes, and we got in the car and drove first to his old high school, which he wanted to see. He said it was weird seeing the old sights after so many years (he hasn’t lived here since 2010)

Then we drove into the funky, arty part of town which is filled with old hippies and young hipsters, musicians, consignment shops, unique hole in the wall stores of all kinds, craft beer bars (we live in the craft beer capital of the USA), and many little eateries, most which have areas where you can dine outside.

We walked up and down Haywood Road and just looked at the people and the shops. There’s always so much to see there. He took a lot of pictures using his new 35mm camera. He got a really cool photo of an old abandoned white church. Like me, he’s fascinated by abandoned buildings (I wonder what that says about us).

We finally were hungry, and decided to eat at one of the little eateries, a Tex-Mex and seafood establishment called, of all things, The Lucky Otter (which is the restaurant that inspired the name of this blog). I mean, I just had to eat there, having named my blog after it. I even got a picture of the sign!

We sat outdoors as it grew dark. I had a bowl of chili with cheese and sour cream and a locally made orange-vanilla soda. He got a veggie-seafood burrito and the same kind of soda. The food was cheap and good, and a friendly black and white puppy from the next table came up to visit us. The puppy was adorable but hard to get a good picture of because she wouldn’t stop moving. I can’t get over the pale pink lacy bow tied on the back of her collar! I also got a couple of pictures of my son.

Later we stopped in a convenience store he used to frequent when he was about 12 or 13 and it’s completely changed–the laundromat that used to be there now sells craft beer and the design is much more up to date and includes organic foods along with the usual chips, candy and soda. Both of us are addicted to a locally made drink called Dr. Enuf, which is made in Tennessee and apparently can only be found in this area. We like the cherry kind with the ginseng and purchased one for each of us.

We drove back to my house where we looked through old picture albums and I found a box of his old CDs from the early 2000s filled with the nu-metal he used to love so much. I had no idea I still had them, and it was like Christmas morning for him as he looked at all these old CDs, which he’s bringing back to Florida with him.

Two years apart is way too long. I’m off for a week in July and we decided I’m going to drive down to Florida to see him and stay in his apartment while there, so my only expenses will be gas to get there and back, and a little spending money.

It was a good day. Tomorrow he’s taking his sister and me to see the animated film Zootopia.

One last thing: I received my copy of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker, which my good friend Linda Lee sent me as a gift. Thank you, Linda!

Guest post #9: You are beautiful and loveable no matter what the narc says.

Posted on April 3, 2016 by luckyotter

Mel (Hippo 256) writes a blog called The Enability Blog about living with a number of disabilities, including PTSD. I’ll just let Mel’s About Page speak for itself:

Hi there, thank you for reading my blog. I really appreciate you’re taking the time. I’m a female and 21 years old. I love languages and study (amongst other things) English, Dutch, German and French (want to do Spanish someday too). I’ve got a couple of chronic diseases and disabilities, but you’ll find out more about that when you’re reading my blog. It’s too many to just sum up, but I can give away that I have chronic pain, chronic fatigue, rheumatism (fibromyalgia) and some other physical diseases and disabilities. I also have been diagnosed with PTSD.

I live together with my boyfriend/partner (my fellow Hippo), who’s also physically disabled, including a couple chronic diseases and a recurring depression. He supports me a lot, because he can really understand what I’m feeling. Together we tackle life’s challenges and hopefully enjoy life too (I can tell you, I often do enjoy life). We are both studying, but do this in a slightly different way. We can’t follow the regular pace, but that doesn’t matter. I also enjoy sports, photography (sadly, I can’t place my own photos here because of my anonymity), doing nice things with friends, travelling, animals etc.

Please visit Mel’s blog when you get the chance.
https://enabilityblog.wordpress.com

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND LOVEABLE NO MATTER WHAT THE NARC AND HIS ‘PEOPLE’ SAY!

I’ve been doubting if I should write a post about narcissistic abuse. Not because I don’t want to help other people and I’m also very grateful for this opportunity. I was hesitant because of two reasons:

(1) You ‘just’ don’t talk about a subject like this. There’s a huge stigma on it. A lot of people seem unwilling to think about it and therefore put it away as ‘nonsense’. And people can be misunderstanding or harsh about a topic so sensitive. I learned my lessons and usually evade it. (2). I don’t think I’m good enough. I’m not a writer or a blogger, I just type whatever comes into my head, without really thinking about it.

But here I am, happy that I took this wonderful opportunity. Because:

(1) I find the people in this blogging community to be so understanding and willing to listen. I want to battle the stigma and help others. I wish I had read all these posts about narcissistic abuse and PTSD so much earlier, it would have saved me a lot of self-doubt.
(2) That idea, that feeling of mine that I’m not good enough (I never am) is one of those thoughts ‘implanted’ in me because of narcissistic abuse. I couldn’t think of a better way to ‘challenge’ one of the thoughts the narcissists had about me.

Both my partner and I have been abused by narcissists. But I feel the urge to talk about a very specific one, one I can’t talk about with anyone except with my partner. I’ve been mentally, physically and sexually abused by one “man” for about 6 months. I’ve never written about this before, so this post will be like an “introduction” to my story.

Love Bombing.
At first glance I knew: ‘I have to stay away from him’. We went to the same school together, I was 18 and he was 21. At first he didn’t seem interested in me, to the contrary. I was clearly not good enough to be allowed to communicate with him (he would happily let everyone know). Luckily, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him either. I really don’t like ‘those kind’ of people. At the time, I was still in a very difficult situation. I was already abused many times before and didn’t have anyone at the time. I was looking for support. And narcissists know that. One day, he started preying on me. Immediately I knew, I felt it. But I am strong and had nothing to fear, so I thought. This wasn’t about me, it was about him. He always got what he wanted and he wanted me, I was suddenly ‘pretty’ or ‘sexy’ or ‘interesting’. He would follow me after school, get my contact information through his many channels and he kept cornering me. I told him many times that I wasn’t interested in a relationship, which was not what he wanted to hear. But then one time his reaction and whole attitude changed. He seemed concerned, caring. He would tell me that I deserved to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to help me. I felt anxious and somehow said I was sexual abused before and therefore didn’t want a relationship or intimacy. That made him go all loose on the ‘caring act’. He wasn’t like that, he wanted to help me, truly. I could trust him. Why wouldn’t we just try it out? I could always say no to things and he would listen to that. I was so anxious and confused that eventually I said yes. Now I know that these are all common tricks for narcissists.

The Narc’s True Colors Come Out.
What followed was 2.5 months of ‘relationship’. He played so many (mind) games with me. And I actually knew. So soon I knew that this wasn’t right at all. It felt so wrong and I was so confused. Even though he would keep saying things like ‘it’s to help you’. Or he would be angry because I clearly didn’t love him enough (otherwise I would do that for him, even though that would cross my border). He would threaten me, or hurt me. I couldn’t escape. He had people everywhere (seriously, he did). Eventually I found the strength to break up and thought I was over his horrible abuse. But I wasn’t. He told me that I was nothing and that I should have been happy that he made me something: I was his slave (yes he would call me this, amongst other things). Which made me worth more than I was before. Those kind of sick things he would say. He abused me about 4 months straight after we ‘broke up’. “Friends with benefits” he would call it. I wasn’t a prostitute he said, you know why? I didn’t get paid, so that shows how bad I was. He wouldn’t pay for me, he never paid for anyone. I wasn’t the first “girlfriend” he had. All girls without (good) sexual experiences, so he could mold them, ‘train’ them. But he never kept anyone for long.
Eventually, I met my partner at (the same) school. I had a panic attack and he reached out to me. Because of his support and protection, I could eventually stop my abuser. The abuser has visited my school and the place where I lived a few times. To threaten me. But now, it’s all so much better.

Aftermath.
Going no contact with the abuser was very difficult for me. I found it very surprising, but now I know it is a common reaction amongst survivors. Once in a while I would get ‘urges’ to send him a message again. I kept hoping he would understand that he did awful, horrible, unspeakable and bad things to me. I hoped he would stop telling everyone what a liar I was and that we just loved doing S&M together (massive lie). He never acknowledged it. Now I know he never will. Narcissists don’t feel for others or think about others.

You Are Not Alone!
I want you all to know that you’re not alone. You’re not ‘stupid’ if these kind of things happened to you or ‘easy to get’. And there still is love, even for you. I often call my partner my saviour. He has helped me tremendously in my healing progress. Explained all these thoughts the abuser planted in my head, all the false things I believed. I wish everyone can find this kind of support. We all deserve that. Blogs can help us with that too.

After the abuse ended, this one thought kept appearing: How could I have let this happen? Now I know that’s not fair, I fought incredibly hard. I should never blame myself for this. Maybe I fought too hard, since it only caused me so much more pain and trouble (because of punishments and angering the abuser). This whole situation is incredibly complicated, so a lot of people misunderstand. Especially because I kept a mask on to the outside world (as I was forced to). But it is so important to know that a narcissistic relationship isn’t your fault. It can happen to anyone, really. And not going to the police, doesn’t make your story not true, or if you went to the police but the abuser was never officially found guilty. The justice system isn’t made to catch rapists and abusers. Believe in yourself. Somewhere, deep inside, you know when something doesn’t quite feel right. I know I always did, but would often ignore my core feelings. After doing research on the internet (mainly reading blogs) and talking with my partner, I also understand the things I did a lot more. There were signs everywhere.

I would like to end this blogpost with something important to me. Another thought I refuse to believe any longer. I am NOT a whore. And you aren’t either. We deserve to be loved, including by ourselves. Be kind for yourself please, your body and mind need you.”

– Mel (Hippo256)
Enability Blog, 2016

Itinerary fail.

Posted on April 3, 2016 by luckyotter

I *thought* my son was arriving late tomorrow night, so I assumed I had plenty of time to get the house ready, buy some food, etc. But like a dummy, I hadn’t read his itinerary right. What he told me was he’d be arriving on Monday at 12:30 AM. Apparently I didn’t make the connection between Monday and the “AM”! When I checked his schedule again today, I suddenly realized he’d be arriving tonight! So I decided to skip church, because I had so much to do–clean the house, go food shopping, prepare something for when he arrives (I’m cooking a pot roast in my Crock-Pot right now and it smells divine already, even though it’s nowhere near ready to eat), mow the lawn, make sure there were clean blankets and sheets.

Good thing I noticed when I did, or I’d hear him at the door tonight and have nothing ready!

He danced twice this weekend in Atlanta, but unfortunately this time did not place in the finals. But he still passed the audition so was able to perform, so he isn’t really bothered by the fact he didn’t place. The competition was unusually stiff, and he had a great time.

He will be here until Wednesday or maybe Thursday. I’m very excited!

A glorious day.

Posted on April 2, 2016 by luckyotter

april_2_3

Glorious can’t even begin to describe today. I woke up in a good mood, and decided to run a few errands, but the weather was so pretty and sunny (though a bit blustery) and everything was blooming. The first thing I heard outside my house was a cacophony of birds. Woodland animals are beginning to make their way our of their winter hiding places, and there’s a family of groundhogs that live behind my house, and over the last few days I’ve seen standing in the backyard, sniffing the air on their little hind legs.

(Click all images to enlarge).

A small green pond on the property of the meditation center, peeking through trees. The trees here are still mostly bare because it’s so high up.

I couldn’t help but feel a little overcome by all the beauty surrounding me, so I decided to make a day of it and take a lone road trip over to Black Mountain, where there is a free meditation center I sometimes go to. The drive into the mountains is beautiful. NC-Highway 9 winds gently through the foothills of the Black Mountains, slowly ascending. I rolled my windows down and listened to music as I drove. Birds sang and the trees that are no longer bare showed every color of the rainbow, and I mean EVERY color.

Some sort of berries on an ornamental tree.

I tried to capture the “iridescent fall colors” here but I’m not sure I succeeded.

I don’t know if anyone has noticed this, but I have (and wrote about it last year too). April can sometimes look a lot like mid-October. All the fall colors are there, as the trees begin to put out leaves, but before the chlorophyll that turns them green kicks in. The reverse process happens in the fall–the leaves change colors because they lose chlorophyll as the days become shorter and cooler. The spring “fall” colors correspond exactly to the colors seen in the fall, but are a little more muted and have a kind of translucence to them. But it doesn’t end there. There are pink, white, yellow and lilac blossoms everywhere, and the newly leafed trees contain a wonderful pale green iridescence that’s not present any other time of the year.

I used to prefer the fall when I was younger, but can’t see how I ever did. In my opinion, fall is lame in comparison. No matter how pretty autumn trees are, you know everything’s dying, and winter is not far away. The colors in the fall also seem sadder and more somber, shading more into deep purples and browns, at least where I live.

Some formal gardens near my house, on the way home.

On the street where I live.

Now I’ve got to go listen to U2’s “Beautiful Day,” because it truly was a beautiful day, and I just feel so relaxed and good right now.

Spiritual girth.

Posted on April 2, 2016 by luckyotter

Soweto Gospel Choir

I used to marvel at gospel and opera singers when I was a kid. It seemed like so many of them, if not most of them, were fat. To my young mind, this didn’t seem like a health problem, but a requirement for good singing. I imagined these singers’ big bodies to be filled with music instead of fat. Their big, powerful pipes would not have been able to make the sounds they did if they came from small, thin bodies.

On several occasions in the past, I’ve attended Black Baptist services and am always so impressed and moved by the gospel singers’ strong and powerful faith that they express through music, and the spiritual transcendance that infects the entire congregation whenever they sing. Their voices and harmonies alone can send the Holy Spirit into every spectator in the room. These big, soulful gospel hymns aren’t called “spirituals” for nothing! Even if you’re not a believer, you can’t listen to a Black Baptist choir and not feel their joy. Joy in spite of the harsh realities of racism, discrimination, oppression, grinding poverty, and a second class status in the white man’s world. Where does all that joy come from? Strong faith in the One who created them seems to be the only answer.

And while not all are, many of the singers with the biggest voices happen to be big ladies or men. I really think those big gospel singers need those imposing bodies to hold in the Holy Spirit that fills them with song, and then spreads to everyone who hears them. I call this “spiritual girth.”

Aretha Franklin started her career as a gospel singer and never gave up singing spiritual songs, like this big soul/gospel hit from 1968 (also recorded the same year by Dionne Warwick in a more subdued style). Burt Bacharach wrote the tune.

Empathy begins at home.

Posted on April 2, 2016 by luckyotter

I know that for a very long time I’ve had issues empathizing with others on a one to one basis (with a few rare exceptions like my children). It’s not that I like seeing others in pain or want to hurt them (I don’t, at all), more that I have had so much trouble connecting to my emotions, especially tender or vulnerable feelings, that this avoidance extends to everyone else. I’ve always felt empathy when it’s “safe” though–therefore I can cry for a character in a movie or novel, or even a TV commercial. I can get quite upset reading a news story about someone who’s been abused, especially if it’s an animal or a child.

But when it comes to real life people, I just can’t allow myself to get that close. I hold everyone at arm’s length. It’s too dangerous to let them in, because they might stir up emotions I haven’t wanted to feel. Of course this means emotional (as opposed to cognitive) empathy goes out the window too. You can’t feel an emotion for someone else if you can’t even access it for yourself.

It’s a common belief that all people who lack empathy are narcissists or psychopaths (or have some kind of schizoid disorder or psychosis, or autism). But a lack of empathy is also a common symptom in people with complex PTSD. Shutting off emotions–including empathy–is a defense mechanism that protects you from further harm. The problem is, this protection also “protects” you from feeling much joy or being able to really love anyone else.

Recently I’ve been feeling a kind of tender regard for my child-self/true self. Right now she’s not integrated and feels far away sometimes, but I can feel her sadness and pain. I can also feel that she’s a good person, a gentle sensitive spirit with so much love to give. I feel a tender protectiveness now where before I felt only shame and wanted to hide her away, just as she had been hidden away by the narcissists who “raised” her. So how was I any different from them, by keeping her hidden, projecting badness and shame onto her, refusing to see her strengths? Sometimes I just want to hold her like my own child. It’s not self-pity; it’s closer to empathy and even love.

Is this where empathy begins? Does it begin with loving yourself–your true self? If you hate your real self, you cannot learn to expand empathy onto others, since you can’t even empathize with yourself. If all you feel is shame, that is going to be projected onto others. That would apply to narcissists and the personality-disordered as well as people suffering from C-PTSD. The problem for the disordered is it may be too late for some of them. They are so thoroughly shielded by a false self they cannot even access their real selves or only with a great deal of difficulty that could take years. There are much stronger defenses to break through. They may be so shut off they can’t even see the lie they are living and think it’s everyone else–not them–with the problem.

The root of attachment and trauma disorders is is rejection of the self internalized from the people who were supposed to love you and mirror you; to heal, you must be able to develop empathy for your true self. That’s what my therapist has been helping me do.

Where did BPD stigma come from?

Posted on April 1, 2016 by luckyotter

In recent years, BPD has earned a very disagreeable stigma, so disagreeable that people who have a BPD diagnosis are refused treatment, being told they cannot get better or feared by professionals who might treat them. NPD too, hasn’t always been as demonized as it is right now. NPD and BPD have become almost interchangeable in the narc-abuse community. I don’t recall it being that way in 1996 when I got my BPD diagnosis, and I don’t remember ever being told I was hopeless or unredeemable or evil or anything like that. I was treated pretty much like any other psychiatric patient, and was given therapy and put on antidepressants. I was obliged to take a DBT class, which at the time I blew off. (DBT is like CBT but exclusive to Borderlines–and it does work. The fact it worked for me makes me think maybe I *did* have BPD but no longer do!)

BPD was always classified as a Cluster B disorder, ever since its introduction into the DSM in 1980 (it was recognized, however, for much longer than that, and popularized as a disorder in the 1960s because of the research of Otto Kernberg, a German psychologist who studied “the narcissistic and borderline personalities,” and other “disorders of the self.”).* All “Cluster B” means really is the person has a weak, fragmented or nonexistent sense of self. Not being able to access a “true self” means they become either cut off from or cannot regulate their emotions. One of the results of this is a lack of empathy (but BPDs are the most empathetic of all the B’s, and some have normal levels of empathy). In NPD, a strong false self takes the place of the true one, which is a very dissociative symptom. In BPD, there’s not a strong false self like with NPD, but there is a weak and unstable one, and the person isn’t ALWAYS showing that false self. Some BPDs act quite a bit like over-emotional or unstable narcissists (or narcissists in the midst of a breakdown due to loss of supply). Others act like covert narcissists or just act neurotic and insecure but are otherwise nice people. Some feel their emotions too much, including empathy. A few are antisocial. I’m not sure why BPD (and maybe NPD) isn’t classified as a dissociative disorder, because essentially the person is cut off from their “self” in some form or another and that is what dissociation means. I’m not sure what the mechanics are in ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) but they are very different from either Borderlines or narcissists because they aren’t dependent on others to boost their weak egos. They are psychopathic and just do what they want.

So the Cluster B’s, including BPD, were already around, but until the mid-1990s, no one thought of them as anything but mental illnesses or for ASPD, a kind of “adult conduct disorder.” They were psychiatric labels and nothing more. The narc abuse community started in 1995 or so, and Sam Vaknin was pretty much the first one online who wrote about it. Of course, he has NPD but even so, he first called attention to the “evil”-ness of NPD/narcissism (actually it was M. Scott Peck but at the time he wrote “People of the Lie” in 1983, the term “malignant narcissism” wasn’t in vogue yet and there was no connection of “evil people” to people with NPD. There was also no Internet to spread Peck’s concepts like wildfire the way they could have been in 1995 and later. But over time, M. Scott Peck’s book has become one of the most popular in the narc-abuse community) After Vaknin established his online narcissistic abuse community and wrote his popular book “Malignant Self-Love,” more narc-abuse sites got established (many or most of them started by victims, who were understandably angry at the narcissists who had abused them). Soon “narcs are evil” became a sort of meme, and by association, so did all the Cluster B disorders earn a “evil” reputation.

There are benefits to this, of course. Victims are being more heard than ever before. People are paying attention and avoiding narcissistic abusers. But some people who carry a Cluster B label are being hurt too, especially Borderlines (or people–usually women–who were erroneously diagnosed with it). Some experts want to get rid of BPD and just re-label BPD as Complex PTSD (probably not a bad idea). There are MANY similarities. The vast majority of BPDs are not anything like malignant narcissists and are not sociopathic at all. Most just act extremely insecure, needy, and maybe “high maintenance.” They can be manipulative or act out to avoid rejection. They may collude with people with NPD, however. But it’s possible to find these same types of behaviors in many people with Complex PTSD. Are they actually the same thing?

Another reason for the BPD stigma could be the tendency for narcissists and borderlines to form partnerships or be attracted to each other. In such a pairing, the Borderline is almost always the abused or codependent partner. In several “couple killings,” one of the criminal partners, usually the female, has had a BPD diagnosis. But they may have been so brainwashed by their abusers they were coerced into colluding with them against others (a form of Stockholm Syndrome).

Finally, a number of high profile criminals and serial killers have labels of NPD or BPD. But they almost always also have a comorbid ASPD diagnosis. Media icons like Joan Crawford who were known to scapegoat their children also had a BPD diagnosis. In Crawford’s case, she was also diagnosed with HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder). It wouldn’t surprise me at all if she had NPD (malignant) or ASPD as well, as her behavior was very sociopathic behind closed doors.

Why am I “defending” people with BPD if I don’t have it? Several reasons:

I was diagnosed with it and carried that diagnosis for two decades. I have personally experienced being rejected by therapists once they saw my “red letter” on paper.
Just because my current therapist thinks I don’t have it doesn’t mean I don’t. Or maybe I did have it and no longer do. If I no longer have it, that means BPDs are not “hopeless.”
Maybe BPD isn’t a valid diagnosis.
Many people I have cared about who were slapped with “BPD” have been hurt by it.

These are just my rambling thoughts about this matter; I’d be interested in hearing your opinions.

* Timeline of BPD

Rage faces.

Posted on April 1, 2016 by luckyotter

Example of a single panel Rage comic using many rage faces.

You might have noticed I used a rage face in my last post. In fact, I’ve used rage faces several times in several different posts. I love rage faces.

What the hell is a rage face?

Essentially, it’s a cross between a meme and an emoticon. They are generally crudely executed (but sometimes grossly realistic) line-drawings of faces (usually male) showing exaggerated emotions. Rage is only one of them. By now there are probably hundreds of variations of the different rage faces swimming in the vast ocean of cyberspace, if not thousands.

Rage faces are publicly available and therefore if you use them, there’s no need to credit anyone. You can upload a rage face, combine them, Photoshop them with other images, or add your own text, making a brand new meme or cartoon. There are even special programs that let you do this.

Rage faces have been around awhile. If you spend any time online, most likely you’ve come across Okay Guy, Rage Guy, Troll Guy, the Y U NO guy, the Forever Alone Guy, and many others. The faces are probably most commonly used on social media or forums the same way “reaction” gifs are used (surely you’ve seen the Michael Jackson eating popcorn one–it appears on every forum whenever drama arises). The first rage face appeared on the website 4chan in 2007. A year later, the first four-panel rage comic using various rage faces was created. Now they’re everywhere, but I haven’t grown tired of them yet. I still think they’re hilarious.

Left to right: Okay guy, Y U NO guy, Rage guy, Forever alone guy.