Category Archives: essays

Diagnosis: Complex PTSD

Posted on by

your brain on CPTSD

My therapist finally spilled the beans (at my insistence) and thinks PTSD or complex PTSD is the closest fit for what I actually have.   BPD may have fit once, but he doesn’t think it does any longer, if it ever did.   He said a lot of those “borderline” symptoms may really have been PTSD.   He also doesn’t think I fit the criteria for any other personality disorder.    Also I would not be responding to therapy as well (or as quickly) if I had an actual personality disorder.

This is wonderful.   Complex PTSD is a non-stigmatizing label that acknowledges that damage was done to YOU,  and you are just reacting normally to the abnormal.   Personality disorders imply that the problem is in the person and BPD is one of the most stigmatizing labels of all.

I’ve grown quite attached to my BPD label though, and I’m not quite ready to give it up yet. So I’ll still keep BPD under “Read About My Crazy” since I actually was diagnosed with it twice.  Maybe it was an erroneous diagnosis or maybe not,  but being a “borderline” has become so much a part of my identity I’m going to keep it for now.  I’m just overjoyed that my therapist does NOT think I have it and also that he’s aware of narcissistic abuse and the ways it can really f**k with your mind.

He says it’s fairly common for people with PTSD/C-PTSD to try to self-diagnose and it’s normal to be confused, as I have been very much so.

Sunrise.

Posted on by

I took this on the way to work this morning.

 

sunrise

The Legend of the Dogwood.

Posted on by

dogwood_legend

happy_easter2

Meet and Greet Weekend @ Dream Big: 3/25/16

Posted on by

5 things I can’t believe I ever lived without.

Posted on by

1. Cellphones

old_cellphone_ad

Then:

A mere 15 years ago I stubbornly held onto my house phone and refused to be one of the sheeple who carried around an annoying device where you could never escape from the interruptions of unwanted callers.   I proudly told everyone I would never lower myself to having to have a cellphone.

Now:

I’m completely dependent on my Smartphone.  I used it as a mini computer and a camera.  Texting is also infinitely more preferable to me than talking to someone on the phone. Once when I thought I lost it, I went into a panic until I found it.

2. Internet

old_yahooad

Then:

I remember saying this in 1994:  “It will just be a fad.”     I much preferred my old Selectric typewriter to doing anything on a computer.

Now:

How on earth did I live so long without the Internet. Losing service is like losing my eyesight.  Now that I blog, I go REALLY nuts.

3. Flat Screen TV’s

old_flatscreen

Then:

2008:  They look like computer monitors or undersized movie screens.   No thanks.

Now:

I want one.

4. Texting

early_text

2010:

I’m too old to text.

Now:

Much better than a phone call.

5. GPS devices

gps

Then:

They look so complicated,  I’d rather ask for directions.

Now:

How did I get around without one?

“The Devil’s Son”: new song by NarCissistic Mary

Posted on by

narc_mary2

NarCissistic Mary, a hard/punk rock indie band my friend (and narcissistic abuse survivor) Mary Pranzatelli started after leaving her abusive relationship last year is doing well, getting lots of gigs, and now they have a brand new song: “The Devil’s Son.” Mary is the group’s frontwoman and writes all the lyrics.    I’m going to see if I can get the lyrics for this and post them here later.

Please Like their Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/NarCissistic-Mary-1109482479067945/?fref=ts

Here are some more publicity photos of Mary and the band.

narc_mary_band2

narc_mary_band

narc_mary5

narc_mary4

narc_mary3

narc_mary1

I love spring!

Posted on by

It does wonders for my mood.

spring2016_2

spring2016_1

Coming up: a new song by NarCissistic Mary.

Posted on by

narcissistic_mary_group

A friend of mine and fellow survivor or narcissistic abuse, who courageously started her own rock band (NarCissistic Mary) after she broke free from her narcissist even though she’s over 50, has a brand new song that’s making quite a stir on Youtube.

I’ve posted a couple of their other songs here before. They rock hard and are really good.

I’m waiting until tomorrow to post the video and new publicity photos, because I’m sleepy and have to be up for work in a few hours. Stay tuned!

My therapist is about to tell me what I have.

Posted on by

what-me-worry2

My therapist has issues with psychiatric labels (as I do), but over the past year I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to figure out exactly what I have, flip-flopping back and forth between Complex PTSD, BPD, Avoidant PD, and even the covert form of NPD. Trying to figure out what I have is driving me nuts!

Although I have a BPD diagnosis (and Avoidant PD), those were given to me in the 1990’s and he has said things that indicate to me he thinks BPD may no longer be accurate. It’s true I don’t act out in Borderline ways the way I used to. But is that because I’ve gotten so good at mindfulness it’s become second nature to not act out, or did I actually manage to somehow cure myself of it? Or was I never a Borderline at all? I think I was–or still am–especially since I was diagnosed with it TWICE).

Complex PTSD seems a likely candidate (if he recognizes diagnoses that are not in the DSM). But here’s the worrisome thing. He has said things in session that make me concerned he may suspect narcissism. Of course I could be reading a lot of things into what he says too based on my worries. I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere on the spectrum though, even if I’m not very high on it. If that’s the case, then I’m back to where I was a few months ago, when I thought I was a covert/fragile narcissist. Or maybe I have something that never even occurred to me I could have, like OCD or Social Anxiety or some dissociative disorder. Maybe I have more than one diagnosis. That’s why this not knowing is driving me insane. I HAVE to know and put a stop to this insanity so I can stop trying to diagnose myself!

We didn’t meet this Thursday because of my lack of funds this week–and I also wanted to attend Holy Thursday services. I didn’t make it to church though because I came home and passed out instead (see my last post). Yesterday I sent my therapist an email letting him know that even though I realized all the drawbacks of psychiatric labels and respected his ambivalence about them, that knowing mine would help me feel more in control. Knowing what he thinks I have would provide me with a sort of closure on all this self-labeling nonsense and I’d be able to focus more on what I’m doing to get better, instead of on “what the hell do I have?” I assured him that anything he told me wouldn’t hurt my feelings, but would come as a relief.

He answered promptly and said he’d be happy to share his opinion with me since I want to know. I see him again Monday and he will tell me then what he thinks. OMG. Of course, at the end of the day, his opinion is just an opinion. But I NEED to know his opinion.

I’m both excited as hell and scared to death.

Why I didn’t post yesterday.

Posted on by

Ever have one of those days you’re so bone-tired you come home and fall into bed and don’t wake up again for hours? Well, that’s what happened to me. I fell asleep at about 6 PM and woke up at 1 AM ready to write a little before hitting the sack again. I think it’s my body’s way of repairing itself after a week of having this virus, which is almost gone finally.