Are you alexithymic?

Posted on September 22, 2015 by luckyotter

Here’s an interesting quiz to find out how in touch you are with your own or other’s emotions.
Alexithymia is a Greek term meaning emotional blindness (a–without; lex–word; thymia–feeling). A person with alexithymia has problems understanding their own emotional state or those of other people. They may feel emotionally numb or even have a flat affect. They could be extremely reserved or shy, or just seem aloof or cold to others. They could come across as “mysterious” or inaccessible.

Low levels of alexithymia are correlated with high empathy, ability to engage emotionally in relationships, and having an active imagination. A very low score would indicate neediness and high emotional lability (common in most people with BPD, Histrionic PD, or Dependent PD).

Personality disorders associated with alexithymia are Schizoid, Antisocial, Avoidant, Narcissistic, Obsessive Compulsive, and sometimes Schizotypal. PTSD can also be associated with alexithymia.

Here is the test:
http://www.alexithymia.us/test-alex.html

My results:

My total score was 108 (possible alexithymic).

Category: Difficulty Identifying Feelings: 17 Points
In this category you show some alexithymic traits.

Category: Difficulty Describing Feelings: 10 Points
In this category you show no alexithymic traits.

Category: Vicarious Interpretation of Feelings: 11 Points
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Externally-Oriented Thinking: 17 Points
In this category you show no alexithymic traits.

Category: Restricted Imaginative Processes: 18 Points
In this category you show some alexithymic traits.

Category: Problematic Interpersonal Relationships: 20 Points
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Sexual Difficulties and Disinterest: 15 Points
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

This seems to describe me well.

I need to get out more.

Posted on September 21, 2015 by luckyotter

I’ve decided to join the choir at my church.

I don’t normally go in much for church-related activities, but I’ve always loved to sing and I love music, and I feel like this is a way I can encourage myself to interact with actual people in a way that might be fun and not require too much actual social interaction since we’d be spending most of the time singing and not talking.

I know that isolating myself as much as I do isn’t healthy. Introversion is fine, but not to the point where you live as a near-recluse, shunning any social involvement at all. Deliberately avoiding all social interaction isn’t going to help me conquer my Avoidant PD or my covert narcissism or whatever. While I have to accept (and do accept) that I’ll never be an extrovert or social butterfly, self improvement requires me to take this step.

Lately my isolation from others has been bothering me. I’m lonelier than I like to admit. I want to connect with people, even though it’s hard for me to do that and there’s definitely an element of anxiety. My shyness has not gone away.

If I’m ever going to meet people I can become potentially close to, just being around them in an environment where we’re sharing a fun activity (like singing) seems like a good way to start.
So tomorrow night I’ll be showing up at choir practice. I’m actually sort of excited about it!
Why limit my singing to my car where I’m my only audience?

What’s the obsession with pumpkin flavored everything?

Posted on September 21, 2015 by luckyotter

Pumpkin. It’s as bad as the national obsession with bacon and cupcakes, only worse. I can tolerate bacon and I’ll always eat a cupcake (unless it’s a bacon flavored cupcake), but I never liked pumpkin anything. In fact, as a flavor, it sucks. I hate it.

Most Americans can’t live without their pumpkin pie every fall. I sure can. I’ll gladly substitute an Apple Crumb or even a Shoo-fly pie in place of a nasty, mushy, flavorless, gag-inducing pumpkin pie.

But lately things have gotten really weird. It’s not enough to have your pie taste like an overgrown squash, now it’s de rigeur for cappuccino, ice cream, cookies, potato chips, breakfast cereal, and fudge to taste like it too.

Yes, I said fudge. I just received my Vermont Country Store catalog, and Pumpkin flavored fudge is featured this month. Here’s what the nasty stuff looks like:

Blech. Why anyone would eat fudge that tastes like a vegetable is beyond my comprehension–or my taste buds. In my opinion, pumpkin is a terrible flavor–it doesn’t really taste like anything, but I guess it has a slight squash-like flavor, and to be honest, I was never a fan of squash. It certainly doesn’t belong in any dessert, but Americans can’t seem to get enough of the nastiest-tasting squash of them all.

I like pumpkins just fine, but as seasonal decor, not as food. They look nice on a doorstep or as a centerpiece, not as a baby-poop colored main ingredient of the food sitting on my plate.

So that’s one more reason I’ll be glad when we’re past the annual string of fall holidays (including Christmas, which I always thought of as part of that even though technically it’s a few days after the winter solstice).

For even more pumpkin-flavored insanity, read this article from Salon.com. Yes, we’re talking Pumpkin Spice Lay’s, Pumpkin Spice Hummus, and Limited Edition Pumpkin Pie Pop Tarts.

I have to stop writing about this now. I’m feeling a little sick.

Fight with a narcissist? Yeah, right!

Posted on September 21, 2015 by luckyotter

Don’t waste your time fighting with a narcissist. You lose even when you win. They will never admit defeat. Read on.

Grace for my Heart

It’s Narcissist Friday!

(I am aware that this blog continually attracts new readers. With somewhere around two hundred posts on narcissism and narcissistic relationships, it can be challenging for anyone to really use this material. The search function works very well, if you know what to ask for. Otherwise, we will all have to wait as the blog posts are sorted and categorized in preparation for a new (and exciting!) website. So for the next few weeks, I want to dig back into the archives to pull out some of the posts that seemed most helpful over the last few years. Please feel free to comment.)

In my recent post on living with a narcissist, I suggested that you must be prepared to fight. What I meant was that the conflict doesn’t seem to end. It isn’t “knock-down, drag-out” fighting as much as it is a constant barrage…

View original post 705 more words

Ducks.

Posted on September 21, 2015 by luckyotter

This is a photo my son took of two ducks with his new Nikon. I just love that face on the duck on the right.

Click to enlarge.

Blogging for holiday cash.

Posted on September 20, 2015 by luckyotter

Since I started running ads (through WP’s WordAds program) back in January, my monthly earnings have increased from a measly $12.00 in January to about $25.00 a month.

You’re not allowed to cash out until your account reaches $100, which finally happened for me in July. Funds earned for July and August are $49.84. If things stay about the same, I should be able to cash out again just in time for the holiday season, which I always dread because I really can’t afford much in the way of gifts. It’s always the most stressful time of year for me.

$100 should be enough to keep my stress levels down this coming Christmas season. I only have a few people I exchange gifts with anyway, and I should be able to afford a few nice things for them. It’s nice to know I’ll have earned that money by doing something that’s more play than work.

7 common habits of narcissistic pet lovers

Posted on September 20, 2015 by luckyotter

Here’s a humorous look at the 7 ways narcissists can be AWESOME pet parents. This listicle from Getleashedmag.com isn’t intended to be taken TOO seriously, but there’s truth here too.

My malignant narcissist ASPD ex, who should be locked away and not allowed to get within 100 feet of any human, is actually the first person I would trust with my kitties should I ever have to leave them for a few days. He despises people (and admits it) but seems to genuinely love animals.

7 Common Habits of Narcissistic Pet Lovers
Wonder if it’s possible to love your pet and be a narcissist? Of course it is!
By Leslie Phelan

There is a misconception about narcissists that says they’re way too into themselves to properly love an animal companion, but there’s a special breed of narcissist whose condition includes room for animal love. Sound like you or someone you know? Read on:

Narcissists love two things: themselves, and anything that could be used as extensions of themselves. What better self-extension than a cute and adorable furry thing that will love you back unconditionally?

Do you express love for your pet in a way that might look to others like evidence of an overly narcissistic lean within your personality? Observe yourself (you know you want to); and see if any of these key narcissistic pet lover indicators point at gorgeous little you:

1. Is your appearance everything?
Do you try on three different jacket-hat combos before stepping out, even to the park? Do you color-coordinate the dog’s collar with your scarf?

2. Are you obsessed with your own reflection?
Do you hold your cat in your arms over the bathroom vanity and compare the flecks in your eyeball irises for extended periods? When you walk past windows with your dog on leash, are you always glancing sideways to admire how lovely and magazine-ready you two look?

3. Do you use your pet as a prop to justify yet another selfie?
You know the drill: scoop up the animal, pose pretty, take a few snaps, choose the best one and post it with a caption about the animal, when really it’s to show off how adorable you look WITH said animal. C’mon . . . we’ve all been here. And the pics are priceless.

4. Do you make everything about you?
Do you listen with the intent to respond, more than with the intent to understand? When someone is talking about a cute thing their pet does, are you bursting at the seams to trump their story with a better, cuter, more special story about your own?

5. Do you bring your pet along, even at less-than-appropriate times?
Most people will agree that it’s the more the merrier when it comes to dogs at parties, but do you ever find yourself purposefully ignoring hints that you maybe shouldn’t bring your pet along?
Of course you want to bring your pet because, well, attention! Plus, you don’t want to rush home if you had to leave your dog behind due to that person’s silly baby with the possible dander allergies. Pfft, the kid’s gotta get used to dog hair sooner or later . . .

6. Are you loud?
Are you constantly standing on a soapbox because you actually think people care about yours and your pets’ diets/favorite shows/the glowing review your yoga instructor gave you? Do you have loud, full conversations with your dog for all to hear? (Bonus points if you do it in another language, or in a sing-song voice.)

7. Is everyone a potential rival?
Do you get jealous if you hear another person in the park compliment someone’s dog before yours? Do you feel like you and your pet are in constant competition with your friends, relatives and their pets? Be honest: is no one safe from your sense of rivalry?

***

This is not a place of judgment; any honest pet owner wont pretend they haven’t teetered on the brink of most of these points a few times. A bit of narcissism can be good, it keeps us caring for ourselves and can make us our best selves! Embrace it, but try not to burn up too much of your energy trying to be the hottest, richest, cleverest, most stylish, most popular and successful person in the world…

Instead, focus on being the most humble, courteous, patient, kind and complimentary person you can be. Or, likewise, just be the person your pet thinks you are – that person is pretty exceptional.

The progression of autumn: September 20

Posted on September 20, 2015 by luckyotter

A few scenes around my house today. The trees are showing a lot of red.

Previous posts in this series:
September 13th: https://luckyottershaven.com/2015/09/13/the-progression-of-autumn-september-13/
September 7th: https://luckyottershaven.com/2015/09/07/the-progression-of-autumn-september-7/

Grumpy old men: narcissists in old age.

Posted on September 20, 2015 by luckyotter

It’s been said narcissists grow worse with age. As they lose their looks and mental acuity and become less sexually desirable and more unemployable, they lose the ability to attract the supply they need to feel like they exist. Most will fall into deep depression and a few might even commit suicide. Growing old and having to confront one’s own mortality is the ultimate narcissistic injury. The only thing they have left to obtain supply is their advanced age itself.

Some will become the stereotypical “get off my lawn” grouchy old man or woman, demanding their entitlements (or what they think are their entitlements) be met, no matter how unreasonable. They don’t bother with “charm.” They don’t even try to hide their self-centeredness or contempt for others anymore or make any attempt to be “nice.” They’ve given up playing the games they used to attain supply when they had their youth, looks, and health. They know they have nothing they can use anymore to attract respect, admiration, adulation, and attention, so they just demand and yell and cuss and bully other people to get it, using their age as an excuse to be mean.

These are people who reach the age of 70, 80 and 90 and are still emotional 3-year-olds. They are filled with hate for the world and for what has been done to them to make them that way (unresolved childhood trauma), for what they have become, and regret for what they never could be. They project their self-hatred onto anyone who crosses their path.

I read this description of what one old narcissist was like. It’s sad but all too true. I’ve known people like this. I see my ex becoming one.

I’ve seen old narcissists. I used to see a 72’ish guy at the grocery store. It was awful. He would angrily force himself to the front of the line. Each person he pushed in front of and angrily exclaimed “I only have 3 things” was as much a source of supply as the supply I would extort through more elegant means. He was down to the point of just taking it. The more people acted startled and offended, but withheld their protests due to his age and frailty, the more he felt he existed.

He would reach the cashier and then insist that the price is wrong, putting the cashier in the position of holding up all those kind folks he cut in front of. It’s not his fault they’re being inconvenienced. Then he’d demand a new “shopper/loyalty card” to get the discounts — why saying “I don’t want it, throw it away.” Too important to be bothered with carrying a card like everyone else. Probably some long-held criticism that stores should just charge the same price for everything and not do the “member price” gimmick. Something he could criticize in the past, now something he could incorporate into his bitter existence.

He would then contemptuously instruct the cashier to take the coins from his hand because his fingers are knurled from arthritis. Projecting onto the cashier his own contempt for his body failing his grandiosity. As he walked away, he would throw his receipt on the floor as if he had been intentionally offended by receiving it.

On people pleasing.

Posted on September 20, 2015 by luckyotter

I think most of us who were exposed to narcissistic abuse for any length of time learn to become people pleasers, always deferring to our “betters” (the narcissists) and becoming human doormats. People pleasing is known by many terms, but “codependent” in particular comes to mind. It’s an extremely unhealthy way to live.

All my life I’ve been a people pleaser. ‘ve always been terrified of saying “no.” I’ve always gone along with things I didn’t like just to keep the peace. The problem with being a people pleaser is that it tends to attract further abuse (they know we’re pushovers so they’ll up the ante); and potential abusers can “smell us out.” People pleasing also never really pleases anyone. Someone is always going to be displeased, even if it’s only ourselves. Chances are, the person you’re trying so hard to win the approval of is going to find something wrong with what you’re doing for them anyway, especially if they’re narcissists.

People who try too hard to please everyone–like politicians who can’t commit fully to either liberal or conservative stances because they’re too afraid of the disapproval of either side, wind up alienating everyone. It comes off as insincere–and it is. You just know they’re hiding something.

I remember the first time I realized how fake I was being while engaged in people-pleasing. I was about 9 or 10. We were visiting some relatives in another state and my uncle had a collection of decoy ducks he was very proud of. I could have cared less, but because I’d been raised to always be polite, I faked intense interest in his hobby. In fact, my “act” was so extreme he really thought I was interested and kept talking to me about his ducks even though I wanted to scream at him to shut up already. It’s fine to be polite and civil, but I was so afraid he would “discover” my boredom with his hobby that I went above and beyond-and felt absolutely disgusted with myself later. Of course that didn’t stop the people pleasing. No one living in constant terror and shame the way I did would be able to stop.

Freedom from the “people pleasing” game where you always wind up losing doesn’t mean not helping others or being cold and selfish. People pleasing is very disordered and even narcissistic in itself–because you’re trying to please others to get approval or love, not because you really care about their feelings or well-being. You don’t need empathy to be a people-pleaser, just a weak and beaten down ego that makes you grovel like a dog for a treat. People pleasing is actually a central feature of several personality disorders–BPD, Avoidant PD, Dependent PD, and Covert Narcissism.

Unlike people pleasing, true caring and altruistic feelings for others are not about pleasing people–they’re random acts of kindness that come from an authentic and confident person’s heart, and nothing about it is fake. I’m working toward this too. Right now I’m still caught up in the fear of displeasing anyone and the ramifications that has for me. It’s very self-centered.

In summary, people pleasing is about lies–it’s all about trying to boost a shaky self esteem and it’s about as fake and inauthentic as you can get.