“I have no childhood memories because my N-mom threw out my ‘garbage’.”

Posted on November 27, 2016 by luckyotter

trash_can

Recently I read that looking at photos of our childhoods can help us heal. It can hurt to see how lost we looked or watch the real body language of yourself and other family members in reaction to you, but it can also shed light on the truth and prove to us that we really weren’t crazy.

I don’t have more than 8 photos of myself as a child and almost all of them are of me by myself. A large pastel portrait of me at about age 6 my father proudly used to hang over the mantel has been lost for years (I suspect it was thrown away). I remember sitting for it in Old Town, Chicago, wearing a yellow summer dress, and how proud I was to sit in front of that bohemian street artist. It was one of my few happy childhood memories and was a special moment with my father. I remember looking slightly sad in the portrait though, and remember my dad saying he rather liked the sad look in my eyes, even though I don’t recall being sad as I sat for that portrait and emotions that weren’t “positive” were always dismissed or scolded anyway. I would really love to have that portrait now. In fact, I long for it. I’ve even been trying to figure out how one would go about placing an ad asking if anyone had seen that painting (I don’t think that would be possible or that anyone would have seen it anyway).

No one seems to know where any of the old family albums that had me in them are, and I doubt they would want to hang onto them, so my guess is they were tossed at some point as trash (my mother always hated clutter). I guess any memory of me is just clutter as well. My emotions were not acceptable; I was not acceptable. Why keep any reminders that I existed?

I have no family, no continuity to any kind of past or any roots. I feel like an orphan and have felt that way for years. Sure, some could say that I threw them away (moving far away from them, No Contact, etc.) but I was pushed away emotionally and every other way for years before I decided that any further contact with them, especially my mother, was just too triggering and painful.

Evidently I’m not alone. There’s a whole thread on Reddit about just this.

I have no childhood memorabilia because my NMom threw out my "garbage".
byu/wisegal99 inraisedbynarcissists

Scapegoated adult children find themselves in this position a lot, without even any pictures or tangible objects to help them better remember their childhoods. This is another way narcissistic parents hobble us — by not even allowing us to access photos and mementos that could bring us clarity into the role we served within our families and the reactions of other family members to us. Tangible things that give us a sense of having come from somewhere, of having belonged to something, even if it wasn’t a very good something. Tools to help us heal were denied to us, just like everything else. It’s as bad as having your face ripped out of every picture your family ever had of you. As if they were trying to erase you.

Honesty.

Posted on November 27, 2016 by luckyotter

I’m not going to lie. I’ve been feeling pretty down and out about everything the past few days. Maybe it’s the letdown after “returning to reality” last week, or maybe it’s another huge pocket of pain coming to the surface that needs release. I know what I can do about that. I can meet my two new friends in Chapel Hill who have promised to work with me on that, but I have to set up a whole day to make the 4-hour drive there and back, and spend several hours in therapy.

My depression could be due to the sudden arrival of “winter”– all the leaves are finally gone, it’s suddenly cold and the days are unbearably short. I spent the entire day curled up on the couch with a blanket eating junk food staring at my box TV, watching episodes of “Pitbulls and Parolees” on Animal Planet and crying during and after every heartwarming/heartbreaking episode. And I don’t even like Pitbulls! My pitiful little two foot tall fiber optic Christmas tree sitting in the corner by the window seemed to mock me. Where’s my Christmas spirit? I have none right now. And I don’t care.

Several real world issues (like terrible water pressure caused by years of incompetent jimmy-rigged plumbing in a 108 year old house that all needs to be redone and will cost thousands of dollars that my landlord doesn’t want to spend and I certainly don’t have)–things that aren’t really disasters but have the potential to become disasters aren’t helping. I’m trying to work out solutions to these seemingly impossible dilemmas but don’t have the motivation or energy to do very much except complain and whine about how awful and annoying they are. I almost don’t care. The whole house is falling apart anyway. The landlord does nothing. I just want to move. But that’s not looking like it’s in the immediate future either.

I’m getting older and feeling increasingly helpless and adrift in life unless things begin to change or I get a handle on myself and obtain more motivation to change some things myself–like writing that ebook I always talk about writing. I know I could probably sell it and at least earn enough to move–maybe. But my motivation to write or create anything is gone. All I want to do is eat and sleep. I don’t even want to blog or read. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t even feel like looking for a sad picture for this post.

I feel like maybe something very dark, some hidden or unseen outcropping of the Himalayan-sized mountain range of my abandonment trauma got triggered during my HeartSync week that wasn’t fully resolved or fully released. I remember feeling like there was more I had to get out, but there wasn’t enough time to work on that.

I’m having lots of doubts about my faith too, which alarms me. I feel like I need to call these two people in Chapel Hill really soon. I also want my copy of Pete Walker’s “C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” back. My therapist has had it for months and I doubt has even read it. I think I’m going to ask him to bring it back, because I sure could use the advice in it right now.

I didn’t want to write anything tonight. But I wanted to be honest. So there you go. That’s where I’m at. I’m going to put on my light therapy lamp for awhile and just try to relax and talk to God even if he’s AWOL at the moment. Then go to sleep.

9 ways to survive the holidays.

Posted on November 25, 2016 by luckyotter

Originally posted on 12/12/15

Now that Thanksgiving is over, the Christmas season is officially here. That means crowded stores, grumpy drivers clogging the roads on their way to and from said stores, horrible office Christmas parties, commercials showing perfect happy families living in big houses with tons of relatives all appearing to love each other (are they TRYING to make us jealous?), fake cheerfulness, fake sleigh bells (did anyone ever REALLY go on a sleigh ride?), horrible canned Christmas music you cannot escape from, “Jingle Bell Rock” (quite possibly the most annoying Christmas song ever) playing endlessly on every pop music station, and maybe worst of all, the shortest days of the year. It’s dark in the morning when you get up for work, and it’s dark again at 5 PM when you get off.

All this is enough to make you want to shoot yourself in the head. But don’t do that! There are better ways to deal with this often infuriating and, for many, depressing time of year. And remember, it’s only for a month.

Many of us who were raised in narcissistic or dysfunctional families don’t have good associations with Christmas and the holidays in general. On top of this, Christmas has become over-commercialized and even people from normal, happy families get stressed. Everywhere you go, there are messages telling you to be cheerful and “jolly” and ads telling you to buy, buy, and buy some more. People who don’t have families (or have dysfunctional families) or don’t have a lot of money often feel marginalized, as if they’re defective because they can’t fully participate in all the hoopla or be as happy as the wealthy, perfect (and annoying) people they see in TV commercials. The days are also short and gloomy. No wonder depression is so common this time of year.

Even if you dread the holidays, it’s still possible to enjoy them. I used to stress myself into a frenzy every Christmas. When you have small children, it’s easy to do this if money is tight, which it almost always was for us. After all, children are expecting Santa to come with his bag of gifts, and they will not understand if gifts are few. But kids being around also make Christmas fun. Now that my kids are adults, I’ve learned to not stress so much about Christmas. It’s still not my favorite time of year, but here are some ways you can make the most of it. Even though I still dread the holidays, I almost always wind up having a great time.

1. Treat Christmas like a second Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is probably the least commercialized holiday. In fact, it’s so underrated that now it’s been nearly co-opted by Black Friday, and stores remain open on Thanskgiving so people can get a head start on their Christmas shopping.
On Thanksgiving, the focus is on food, eating, and football. For the past few years, I’ve focused on the food at Christmas rather than the gifts. I give a few inexpensive or homemade gifts, but I spend more of my time and energy on cooking. My spinach-meat lasagna has become a family tradition rather than the usual turkey (I’m usually turkey’d out after a month of eating turkey, turkey soup, and turkey sandwiches) and the lasagna I make has all the Christmas colors too. (I’ll post my recipe later on). Add a salad and some garlic bread and some kind of pie (usually apple for us), and we’re good to go. Everyone’s so busy enjoying the food they barely register the fact the gifts are few.

2. Bake cookies (or other baked goods) and give them as gifts.
You don’t need to spend a fortune on presents. Everyone loves cookies and they can be wrapped in attractive and creative ways and given as gifts. If you’ve baked the cookies yourself, it can be a more thoughtful and personal gift than something you got from the store. If you prefer, bake a pie and wrap it like an Easter basket in red and green cellophane with a bow on top. Even a prettily wrapped basket of fruit can make a thoughtful gift.

3. Give handmade gifts.
I make suncatchers made of bits of glass, stone and small mirrors and they make terrific gifts. I haven’t made any in about a year, but I have several still around that I plan to give as gifts this year. Each one is unique and everyone appreciates them. Years ago, when I had a kiln, I used to paint ceramic tiles. People loved those too. If you paint, make jewelry, knit, or do any other kind of arts and crafts, think about making your gifts instead of buying them. People will appreciate the time and effort that went into making such a personal and unique gift.

4. Remember that the days are now becoming longer.

If you’re like me (I suffer from SAD), the short days of this time of year can get you down. But there’s an upside too. Starting the first day of winter, the days start growing longer! Christmas was originally a pagan holiday to celebrate the “return of the sun”–the winter solstice. Remind yourself of the lengthening days and try not to think about the cold months ahead. As of the first day of Winter, there are ONLY THREE MORE MONTHS UNTIL SPRING! That’s great news for SAD sufferers like me!

5. Do something special for yourself.
If you’re not blessed with a big, boisterous family–or even if you have no one to spend Christmas with, you can still enjoy the day. Make it special: give (or make) yourself a gift, go to a movie, take a long walk, or a long luxurious bath. Also, you can remind yourself that sometimes big family get-togethers can turn into unpleasant drama fests. Remind yourself that you’re spared from that.

6. Volunteer.

Most churches sponsor Christmas dinners. Other organizations do too. If you don’t have a family to spend the day with, or you have negative memories associated with this time of year, consider donating your time to preparing or serving food to take your mind off your woes. You might even meet others in the same boat and wind up making new friends and having a great time.

7. It’s only one day.
Even though the Christmas season can seem endless, it’s all leading up to one day, and then it’s all over for another whole year.

8. Skip Christmas this year.
I’m serious. If Christmas really stresses you out, consider skipping it altogether. Explain to your friends and family that you need a break from the stress and assure them it’s nothing personal. If they’re true friends they will understand. If you’re a Christian, you will not offend Jesus if you skip Christmas. The Bible doesn’t tell us we have to celebrate his birthday.

9. Remember what Christmas is really all about.

Three Kings Behold the Star of Bethlehem

In spite of what all the commercials tell us, Christmas isn’t about the trees, Santa Claus, reindeer and gifts. It’s about the birth of Jesus Christ. Most churches have some sort of Christmas service. Consider attending and focusing on the true meaning of Christmas instead of all the material trappings. Watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” always a treat for me.

Tinged with envy.

Posted on November 24, 2016 by luckyotter

tingedenvy

Credit: The New Yorker

One week smoke-free!

Posted on November 24, 2016 by luckyotter

No smoking

I smoked my last cigarette a week ago tonight, which was also the last night I spent in Chapel Hill before driving home on Friday morning.

I hadn’t actually intended to quit. Its not like I was a heavy smoker. But there was no good reason to continue smoking either. Besides the obvious health issues, it’s a huge waste of money, it makes you and your clothes smell like cigarettes (I HATED being told my clothes or my car smelled), and (if you smoke in your house — I tried not to, but sometimes cheated) turns everything in your house an ugly shade of yellowish brown after awhile.

Smoking is also no longer really socially acceptable. Hardly anyone smokes anymore, and those who do are treated like lepers in most places now.

When I arrived at the Aqueduct in Chapel Hill last Monday night, I realized it was going to be a real challenge obtaining smokes. The camp-like setting is in a rural area, nowhere near any stores, and I didn’t know the area at all. If I were to go try to find a store that sold cigarettes, it would have meant driving in an unfamiliar area after dark, which is something I can’t do because I have such terrible night vision.

During my stay in Chapel Hill, I had one pack of cigarettes I had bought on Sunday, the day I left for the retreat, and that pack lasted me for the better part of the week, until Thursday. I was probably the only smoker there, and it was embarrassing having to go down to the parking lot at night and try to hide the fact I was smoking. I felt ashamed!

I simply saw no need to buy any more on Friday morning even though I was returning home. What the heck for? I’d already tapered down to only 2 -3 cigarettes a day with no cravings or ill effects, so I knew the next step would be to just not buy anymore. Why put off the inevitable?

So tonight, it’s been a week. I’ve had a few cravings, but they haven’t been bad, not like I expected. I’m seeing a difference already: I can breathe more easily and am smelling and tasting things more (I’m not sure how I feel about that, since I don’t exactly WANT food to taste or smell better). I also think my skin already has a healthier, pinker, more youthful tone.

I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a cup of coffee anymore, since I usually drink a cup with my first cigarette of the day, but so far, I’ve enjoyed my joe just fine without the unnecessary “accessory.”

And all that money I was spending on cigarettes? It’s going into a vacation fund instead. I can think of so many things I’d rather do with that money than see it all go up in smoke.

“It’s all happening.”

Posted on November 23, 2016 by luckyotter

penny_lane

In 2000, there was a little gem of a movie called Almost Famous. I’ve watched it more times than I can count, and it may be among my Top 5 favorite movies of all time.

I remember the early-mid 1970s (when the action in the movie took place) and was around the same age as the under-aged Rolling Stone reporter played by Patrick Fugit (allegedly this character was based on director Cameron Crowe’s life).

One of the many things I appreciated about Almost Famous was how accurately it pinned down the look, feel and overall mood of the years 1973 and 1974. Except for one thing: I don’t remember anyone ever using the phrase “It’s all happening!” The character Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) and her friends used this phrase constantly throughout the film. I remember a lot of early -mid 1970s youth slang, but “It’s all happening!” wasn’t among them.

Do any of you old enough to remember the early 1970s remember this phrase being used among young people? Maybe it was strictly a California thing (since the film took place there)? Or maybe it was just made up for the movie (and seemed convincing enough — like something early ’70s kids would be heard saying).

I noticed another anomaly in the movie. William’s big sister, played by Zooey Deschanel, at one point is admonished by their mother to “stop being a drama queen.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think the term “drama queen” was used until the 1980s or even 1990s.

The narcissist-elect begins to implode.

Posted on November 23, 2016 by luckyotter

winning_temperament

Trump is already losing his shit over perceived insults against him on social media. I knew this would happen if Trump got elected. The poster boy for NPD is finding out that sometimes it’s prudent to be careful what you ask for because you might get it.

The U.S. presidency is not like running a business. It’s not like being a reality TV star either. It’s an incredibly difficult job with enormous responsibilities that requires someone who is knowledgeable in world and domestic affairs and can hold their own in the political sphere and among world leaders. It requires someone with the ability to be diplomatic even among enemies and critics. It’s a job that requires nerves of steel and you can’t afford to let personal slights get to you. In other words, you can’t be oversensitive.

Trump is incredibly oversensitive and too emotionally unstable for a job like the President of the United States. His NPD keeps tripping him up and he is showing just how oafish he is as he blunders and flails about trying to make sense of something he just can’t handle.

Every president we’ve had in recent years ages quickly while in office. Four or eight years isn’t that long a time; but Obama, G.W. Bush, and Bill Clinton–all two-term presidents–all looked much older than eight years older by the end of their terms. The job ages you because it takes so much out of you.

Now we have someone who not only has NPD, but is pathetically unqualified. Since his election, there’ve been articles describing the way Obama has had to “hold Trump’s hand” and train him for his new job. I don’t doubt it, and I’m sure Trump hates every minute of it.

Not surprisingly, Trump has been overreacting to slights and criticisms against him on social media, especially Twitter. Here’s a screenshot of his latest drama with the New York Times, who apparently offended him. Notice the way he keeps taking potshots at the Times, making sure everyone knows they are “failing.” This is called gaslighting.

trumptweets

Here’s the article about it on Salon.

http://www.salon.com/2016/11/22/donald-trump-backs-out-of-meeting-with-new-york-times-because-they-wanted-to-be-on-the-record-announces-it-on-twitter/

He had a similar meltdown a few days earlier, when his VP Mike Pence was raked over the coals by the cast of Hamilton. Once again, notice the way Trump not only demands an apology, but throws in a barb about the way he “hears Hamilton is overrated.” So much drama already, and he’s been president-elect for what, two weeks?

trumptweets2

Watching Trump try to take on the presidency is like watching a petulant child try to do a grown-up’s job and then lose their shit because they can’t get it right and someone points out their mistakes. You almost have to feel bad for him. But he wanted this!

Ladies and gentleman, there’s a new reality show: “Trump Takes On the Presidency.” Watch him implode as he realizes he bit off way more than he could chew, because he just had to have that title and the “glory” that comes with it. He’s like a little kid dressed up in a plastic king’s crown and sceptor, ordering his “subjects” to do his bidding before he’s called downstairs by mom to empty the trash. He’s not too much better than a figurehead.

Who am I…where am I going?

Posted on November 21, 2016 by luckyotter

keats

This afternoon I laid down and meditated for awhile on God’s purpose for my life, and where he is leading me.

God has a purpose for everyone. We’re at our happiest when we submit to his will and not to our own. I’ve learned this truth the hard way, after many years of insisting on having my own way and always failing miserably, or finding out that what I thought I wanted wasn’t what I wanted at all.

I’m still not living the life I want to live, because I’m still grappling with the bad choices I made (and the bad choices that were made for me). I also never took risks before. I lived inside my comfort zone, which wasn’t very comfortable, but it was all I knew.

Last week, I did a few things that were outside my comfort zone. I took a week off of work for something I really wanted and needed to do, in spite of not having any vacation time or money to pay for it. I asked for financial help online and got it. I submitted myself to an emotional and spiritual process that was painful for me at least once. I spend almost a week sharing a room with someone who I would normally regard as much too “good” for me and avoid that person out of envy or feelings of not being able to measure up (those are just the “tapes” that were installed in my mind by my judgmental, snobbish, “keeping up with the Joneses” narc parents). But as it turned out, once we got to know each other, I realized this woman wasn’t judging me on those terms and even seemed to genuinely like me, which I was sure she would not. So I could let down that particular guard. In fact, under normal circumstances, I would have felt inferior or “less than” everyone else on this retreat too. And yet I did not. Other than a little social discomfort and shyness at first, assuming I’d be negatively judged, soon I felt welcomed.

You can tell you’re not living as God meant for you to live if you’re unhappy with what you’re doing or your circumstances. I’m still not fulfilled or happy, but I’m getting closer, and God is showing me the way. He was always there though, always trying to show me something better, but I wasn’t ready. That wasn’t my fault; it just was. Now it’s changing.

The first step of this journey was that I had to leave my abuser(s). As long as I remained, I would stay stuck, and worse than that, eventually die both emotionally and spiritually. Possibly physically too.

But even after freeing myself, I still wasn’t able to start looking inside myself and realize that I not only needed God but also needed to submit my will to his, until after I was able to forgive my abusers.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the awful things they did to us, nor does it mean apologizing or submitting to them. Not even one little bit! They were wrong in what they did, horribly wrong…but that shouldn’t become a life sentence for us. We need to move on with ourselves in order to find peace and happiness. But moving on isn’t possible until we can forgive the people who tried to trip us up at every turn. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s necessary.

I reached a point where I was tired of hating them. The hatred had served its purpose–I got away! What now? All that hatred was just turning me bitter and angry, and making me feel helpless and living in fear that abuse would just keep happening again…and again….and again.

Forgiving them wasn’t for their benefit; it was for mine! After letting go of my hatred and rage, I was finally able to look inside myself and see what I could do differently to avoid being a victim again in the future. In doing so, I found that I had quite a few unpleasant, even narcissistic, traits of my own. Not that I’d ever asked for the abuse, or been horrible enough to deserve it, no way! It just meant I’d probably picked up quite a few negative traits and defense mechanisms from my abusers, in order to survive.

I no longer needed those traits now that I was free. In fact, I had no choice but to send them packing if I wanted to move forward.

Letting that anger go and forgiving the people who abused me made me able to look at their brokenness. By seeing them as victims too (albeit victims so broken they had lost any ability to have insight into themselves or be able to change on their own), that gave them a whole lot less power over me. If I had never been able to forgive them, I would never have been able to let go of feeling like a powerless victim instead of a survivor with the hope of an actual future.

That doesn’t mean the victimization wasn’t real. It was. But at some point you will want to say, “I overcame this! I’m a survivor!” A victim is someone who is still in danger, who is unable to get past that danger.

God doesn’t let bad things happen to us (such as having narcissistic parents) to “teach us things” or because he wants us to suffer. The bad things that happen to us are never his will for us. He allows them to happen because he has given us all free will.

However, what God can do is take those bad things and turn them into something beautiful and good, IF we keep our hearts and minds open to what his true purpose for us is. God can use these things as tools that bring us closer to him and at the same time bring us closer to fulfilling what his purpose for our lives is (and that purpose always coincides with what will make us the happiest too). We should never fight his plan for us, but we can ask for guidance.

God can and will find the beauty in our brokenness.

While I was lying on my back meditating, I kept my mind and heart open, just listening. Since returning from my retreat last week, I feel like my heart is much more open to God and his plans for my life and however he wants to use me.

I asked him to show me a picture of who I could have been if I hadn’t been so broken…and who I still can be when I’m less broken.

At first nothing came to me, but after awhile I realized my mind kept circling back to 3 words:

Words

Truth

Beauty.

God wasn’t showing me a picture of the Me he intended for me to be; he was showing me through the modality I understand and resonate with best: words.

Words are the tools God gave me to write about what happened to me. Words made it possible for me to start this blog and share my story.

Words are the tool by which I’ll fulfill my destiny.

My destiny is to disseminate beauty and truth.

I was the truth teller in my family.

I can’t stand fakeness, phoniness, insincerity. I’m allergic to those things. (Not that I’ve always been honest myself or have never told a lie–that would be far from the truth!).

I’ve always sought the truth — whether through a hunger for knowledge, reading science or psychology articles and books, spirituality, religion, nature, art, music, or literature — all right-brained things by which the truth can be discovered.

Truth, as John Keats famously stated, is beauty.

And beauty is truth.

My purpose in this life–God’s purpose for me–is to disseminate truth and beauty, which are the same.

Through truth and beauty may come healing. Healing for me, and healing for others.

No one who makes an effort to listen to their heart cannot be healed, because it’s through our heart that God speaks to us and can rewire our broken connections.

Don’t judge.

Image

judgement-meme

A trip to Oz (narcissistic abuse).

Posted on November 19, 2016 by luckyotter

Anyone who reads narcissism blogs has heard the term “flying monkey,” straight out the famous movie, The Wizard of Oz. But WOZ is important to narcissistic abuse survivors for much than just that. Tracy Malone takes us down the Yellow Brick Road and explains what we can all learn from the film’s iconic characters and their actions.