What animals can teach us about mindfulness.

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I’ve always believed animals are our greatest teachers. As humans, we tend to dismiss animals, thinking of them as lesser creatures with limited (or no) intelligence. We think that just because they can’t read, don’t speak, don’t wear clothing, and don’t create art, music, or multi-national corporations, that they don’t have anything to teach us. If anything, we try to make animals conform to us, dressing up lapdogs in cute outfits or teaching them tricks to impress our friends.

Animals have much to teach us, and in many ways, if we acted more like them, as a species we humans might be better off — and a lot happier too. Mindfulness is a skill that helps many of us cope with daily life and eases the symptoms of depression, trauma, and many mental disorders — and there is no person more mindful than a cat, dog, or other animal. Even the Buddha was never as mindful as that Labrador retriever who looks at you with such soulful eyes, or that cat that sits peacefully in your window purring his little heart out.

If you have pets, watch them closely. They don’t worry about the future or fret over things that happened in the past. They don’t obsess over themselves or what others are going to think of them. They don’t beat themselves up over past transgressions or worry that they might not be acceptable. They live completely in the moment, reacting only to what they need to in order to survive and be happy. When they are given food, they happily nosh down on it, thinking about nothing except how good it tastes and how nice a newly-full stomach feels. If you ask your dog if he wants to go out for a walk, he doesn’t sit around sulking because he thought your tone was condescending; he happily jumps up and starts to dance around, sometimes even smiling (I am certain dogs can smile). If you scritch your cat under the chin, she will turn her face up to you, squint her eyes so they are almost closed, and begin to purr. She doesn’t worry that you might think she has bad breath.  She doesn’t care!  Watch a group of otters at play. They are like happy children, enjoying the water and the bliss of splashing around and swimming in it, and the joy of being together as a group.

Humans are the only creatures who unfairly judge their own kind, are cruel and unjust for no good reason except to boost their own egos, and seem to look for things to be miserable about, even when things are going well.

Many people think we make ourselves miserable due to our higher intelligence that makes us think about everything way too much, and that could be true. But what exactly is intelligence? How do we know that animals don’t have just as much of it as we do, even if they have a different kind of intelligence? Just because we can read words and earn a paycheck doesn’t mean we’re better or have a superior way of thinking. Case in point: have you ever witnessed some people with Down Syndrome? While their cognitive abilities may be impaired, they are some of the most joyful and affectionate people on earth. I remember one day standing on line at the supermarket. Ahead of me was a young man who clearly had Down Syndrome, and he was happily smiling and waving at everyone who looked his way. People smiled in reaction, not because they were being “polite,” and not because they were laughing at him, but because he was spreading joy. You couldn’t look at this man and not feel a little of his natural happiness. Studies have shown that people with very high IQ’s are more prone to mental illness and depression. People who aren’t as “smart” do seem to be happier. Sometimes I think too much in the way of cognitive intelligence actually gets in our way and keeps us from living in the moment and just enjoying life.  Children at play have a lot to teach us in that department too. We can learn from them.

I’m not comparing the cognitively challenged with with animals and kids to be offensive, but I do think it’s important to point out that all of these groups seem to be more able to live in the moment, and living in the moment is what mindfulness is really all about. Mindfulness and staying in the present leads to joy. So who really is smarter?

Instant joy:

If you’re depressed or feeling bad, just go to Youtube and watch videos of cute, funny and happy animals (or babies, if you prefer).  There are thousands of them.  They are popular for a good reason: they make us feel better and can make us laugh and smile when we’re down.    It always works for me, at least a little.

Can you have too much empathy?

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Believe it or not, the answer is “Yes”! But it really shouldn’t be too surprising, since people with high empathy are also highly sensitive, and since they feel everything so keenly, sometimes the negative emotions surrounding them can drag them into a depressive state.

A friend who reads this blog sent me this article, thinking it could possibly explain the depressive state I’ve been in. While I’m not sure that’s the reason I’ve been so down, it’s still an interesting article and should bring some clarity to HSPs and empaths who are feeling inexplicably depressed. If you are an HSP or an empath, think about whether you’ve been exposed to negative people or people who are going through bad experiences or suffering depression. You might have picked up on the emotions of others.

Empathy is a wonderful trait to have but having too much of it can hurt its bearer. At some point, you can even suffer from “empathy burnout,” which basically means you shut off your ability to feel empathy after you’ve been drained emotionally by giving too much of yourself to others. Empathy burnout is common in people in the helping professions, many who are naturally empathetic. After a few years, they may find themselves no longer able to empathize with the people they help, and even beginning to resent them. That’s why there’s so much attrition in these professions.

I think practicing mindfulness is a good skill, not only for people with C-PTSD and personality disorders, but also for empaths and HSPs who may have too much of a good thing!

Here is the article she sent me.   It also explains the differences between empathy and sympathy.  (They are not the same thing!)  Sympathy is more detached and cognitive; even narcissists can feel sympathy, though they might have a limited capacity to feel emotional empathy.

Exploring Hyper-Empathy Syndrome

NPD: weird traits.

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Here is a list of some traits of NPD (with detailed explanations), some of which I’ve never heard of, but make sense/or I have noticed (the tendency to not have opinions of their own is included here).  Some are truly strange but accurate:

Odd sense of time/no sense of the passage of time.

Unusual/bizarre eating habits

Strange work habits

Bad gift givers; stingy

Lacks a sense of humor/doesn’t get jokes (but are often meanly sarcastic)

Naive and easily taken advantage of (!) — actually makes sense because they are oblivious to what is going on around them

Complain all the time; negative and pessimistic

Passive, lack initiative

No opinions of their own

Can’t follow conversations

May look much younger than they are

Self-sabotaging impulsivity

Occasional moods of giddy euphoria (not to be confused with real happiness — which is alien to narcissists)

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html#time

Something new I’ve noticed about narcissists.

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I received an email today from a reader asking me if narcissists have preferences — that is, do they really have opinions of their own?  An example was used of a man who said he likes a certain TV show, but when asked who his favorite character on the show was, couldn’t (or wouldn’t) name one, as if he hadn’t actually ever watched the show.

Did he really have a favorite TV show, or was he just saying he had one to give the impression he had his own opinions?    The email writer also said that this person changes his mind a lot and seems to tell different people different things which sometimes conflict.  (I haven’t answered this email yet, but my answer will be that I really don’t know if narcissists have their own preferences or not).

This was an interesting question to me, because of something I’ve been noticing lately about narcissists, especially when they (temporarily) drop their mask.   I noticed they seem to have no personality.   Many people have said they seem soulless, but it isn’t really that.  It’s not a question of whether they’re good, evil, or in between.   It’s more as if they’re a blank slate and there’s nothing imprinted on that slate.   I get the impression of a sort of nebulous “white fog” where a person should be.    It’s like a person without a personality, who then adopts a false one to give the impression that they have their own interests, preferences, like and dislikes, when in actuality they don’t have much of an opinion about anything.   Depending on the person or situation, they “change their minds”–so when talking to one person they may like ABC, but when talking to another one, they like XYZ instead (and dislike ABC).

When a narcissist drops their mask (for whatever reason) it’s as if you’re trying to communicate with a blank wall.   They still don’t share their true self with you because they don’t even know who their true self is (if it’s even accessible), so it’s like there’s no “self” there at all.  It’s both unsettling and sad.

I know one who began to open up about their past and get into some some real meat about the trauma they had experienced when young, but then she abruptly stopped, probably because it was too painful or scary.  I can’t get a clear impression of this individual; she shares nothing personal and is more like a shadow than a real person.   She seems to be trapped in a weird no-man’s-land between the shame of no longer wanting to present a false self (she knows she has NPD and is in therapy) but also not having the courage (or the ability) to present a true one either.

It occurred to me this could be some form of dissociation.

1982.

Posts, that is.

If I wrote one post a year, starting in the year 1 AD, it would have taken me until 1982 to write that many posts.   I could have gotten in another 34 posts since then. I guess I’m doing pretty good, having managed to accomplish this feat (minus the 34 extra posts) in a little over two years.   But if I only wrote one post a year, I doubt I’d have any readers.  Who would want to wait around that long?

Just another one of my strange little “shower” thoughts.  It seems profound somehow.

Epidemic of depression.

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I haven’t been reading other blogs too much lately (too depressed), but I did read this post by Bradley over at Bipolar Bear.   He describes a depression that sounds quite a bit like mine.  I think a lot of people are saddened about Trump’s winning the election, and feel hopeless about living in America.

In my case, I don’t think it’s just Trump winning the election, though I don’t think that helps.   I think my depression is due to several things:  abandonment issues being triggered, the election, the wildfires and lack of rain, my seasonal SAD, plumbing issues that have no easy fix, and other, less specific things that have been bothering me.

Right now, I feel pretty hopeless and depressed about everything and I’m not even sure why.  I just feel sad and seem to have no energy.   I don’t have much motivation to write anything, or even to read other blogs or comment on them.   I’m going to talk to my therapist about this on Thursday and see if we can figure out what’s going on because I’m so tired of feeling this way.

It seems like a lot of people I know are feeling this way lately, even people who weren’t bothered by the outcome of the election.   Is it something in the air? I don’t know.

Insane weather and wildfires.

wildfires

The lack of rain in the Smoky Mountain/Blue Ridge mountains areas of Tennessee and western North Carolina have caused widespread forest fires. We finally got rain last night, but east of here, in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, a popular tourist area, wind gusts of 70 mph ahead of the rain spread the fires, and now at least 3 people are confirmed dead and 400 structures have burned, including a 16 story hotel.

https://weather.com/news/news/tennessee-gatlinburg-pigeon-forge-fire

dollywood
This morning in Dollywood, a popular tourist attraction in Pigeon Forge, TN.

Here in North Carolina, we were more fortunate, because the wind gusts here weren’t as strong and the wildfires remain contained.   The rain was good, but it wasn’t enough and the wildfires continue to burn.  Today it was sunny and dry again, but rain and thunderstorms are predicted for tomorrow.    Farther south and east, tornadoes, unusual this time of year, are a threat, and these may hit Tennessee by tonight.

If anyone in Tennessee is reading this, stay safe!

Apology.

Yesterday I posted something I thought was interesting, not really thinking over whether it might be offensive or not.  It wasn’t intended to offend anyone, but in retrospect (and after some critical comments) I can understand why people would have been offended, so I decided to remove that post.   It also didn’t have much to do with the content of this blog, so removing it wasn’t a big deal.

Sometimes I write controversial things, but this was different.  Controversial and offensive aren’t the same.   I apologize to anyone who was offended by it.

 

3 videos to end the seasonal doldrums.

These are amazing videos showing different interpretations of all four seasons.  Even if you hate winter, these make you appreciate how all the seasons have their own beauty and work together for the good of the planet.

The second video is interesting because it’s a timelapse taken in Oslo, Norway, known for its long winters and the midnight sun in summer.  Because it’s so close to the Arctic Circle, notice how short the nights are in June and how it never gets really light out in December.   It also doesn’t look like spring really gets underway until May.    That makes me feel very fortunate to live in North Carolina, where spring comes as early as early March and it doesn’t really start getting cold until December.  I really should stop complaining.

The third video is a work of art and I love the seasonal sounds of nature mixed into the timelapse footage.  I also like the way you can see the changing angles of sunlight throughout the year.

All three of these are breathtaking and relaxing.

Year on Planet Earth:

A True Timelapse of 2010 (Oslo, Norway)

A Forest Year:

Raging narcissist mother.

Here’s a great scene from the 1983 movie, “Terms of Endearment” that paints a portrait of a narcissistic mother as well as Ordinary People did with Mary Tyler Moore playing a very malignant narcissist to her scapegoat son.

In this movie, Aurora (Shirley Maclaine) is very possessive of her only daughter, Emma (Debra Winger) and treats her like an object or extension of herself throughout her childhood and adolescence, though she does seem to love her in that overbearing way some narcissists have (if you can call that “love,” I’m not sure). I don’t think Aurora was as malignant as Mary Tyler Moore’s character in “Ordinary People,” but she is clearly a narcissist.

In many ways, I found this movie, which was released approximately the same time as “Ordinary People” (early ’80s) just as triggering. First of all, the child in this movie is a daughter, portraying a girl around the same age I was at the time this movie was released, and my mother was like a perfect cross between Aurora (a somatic narcissist) and Mary Tyler Moore’s very malignant Beth Jarrett (with a little “Mommie Dearest” thrown in to spice things up).

In this scene, Emma announces her pregnancy. Watch Aurora’s reaction. So typical of N-moms, especially the somatic type.

This is from the comments under the video and explains exactly what is going on here.  I think this person nailed it.

Shirley portrays narcissism perfectly and by the numbers. 1) Daughter’s wonderful news news eclipsed by mother’s preoccupation with aging. 2) Mother calculates her plan (watch her eyes) 3) The trigger is delivered: “I don’t understand.” (bullshit) 4) Daughter takes the bait and calls her mother out. 4) Success! Mom’s got a handle on the daughter and attacks her for making her feel old (because it’s all about her of course). 5) Son-in-law isn’t buying it (awesome by the way) 6) So mom feigns tears to regain moral high ground and walk away with it.

One thing that wasn’t very realistic about this movie was the way Aurora’s personality seemed to change at the end of the movie and she wound up doing the loving, unselfish thing many normal mothers would do (I can’t say more without spoiling the end). But it’s a movie and real life isn’t usually like the movies.

I also don’t think it’s spoiling anything to mention that Flap (Emma’s husband) turned out to be as narcissistic and selfish as Aurora. She never liked him and in many ways was right about him. That reminds me of my mother’s warnings about my malignant N ex.