Take your office Christmas party and shove it.

Posted on December 15, 2015 by luckyotter

Tonight I have to attend the annual office Christmas party, so I think it’s time to throw this rant up here again.

The article, which was written a year ago, states I have Aspergers, which for over a decade I believed I had but I found out I do not. It’s most likely my avoidant PD masquerading as Aspergers.

Lucky Otters Haven

Get out of my face with your absurd fake smiles and stupid Santa hats.

So tomorrow night is the annual office Christmas party. I will not be attending. It’s not like I have some high level job where my presence is expected or necessary anyway. I doubt anyone will even notice my absence or care.

As an Aspie, I have never been able to tolerate the forced upbeat perkiness and all the small talk and chit chat about nothing in particular that abounds at these events. Too much social input coming in from all directions overwhelms my oddly wired brain, causing it to short circuit. I wind up in a state of near panic and to compensate, I become mute to avoid reading a social cue wrong and say something out of context that causes people to look at each other knowingly and roll their eyes at my social ineptness.

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“Narcissist Apocalypse”

Posted on December 14, 2015 by luckyotter

Photo credit: unknown.

I want to share this fascinating article about societal narcissism from The Telluride Daily Planet I found via Sam Vaknin’s Malignant Self-Love Facebook page.

Narcissist Apocalypse
http://www.telluridenews.com/opinion/columnists/article_34238512-9e09-11e5-9aad-e33827f8673e.html
By David Brankley, Being There

Lately I’ve been intrigued with the topic of narcissism. Maybe it’s the current election cycle with its clash of giant egos, the sparring of would-be megalomaniacs. Maybe it’s the book I’m reading, “Narcissistic Supply: The Narcissist’s Drug” by Sam Vaknin.
Turns out its author is no psychologist, but his leading credential is that he is himself a narcissist, twice diagnosed by experts. Nevertheless, this book seems rich with insight into the condition, containing plenty of food for thought.
Narcissism is not a single phenomenon. There is the clinical form, recognized generally as a personality disorder referred to as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Even that takes many forms. I wish I had the space here to describe them. They are all fascinating.
Instead, let me offer a simple definition. NPD is extreme self-centeredness. It’s characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a deep and overwhelming need for admiration. Lack of empathy is also present. The confident exterior of the narcissist is a false mask. Underlying it is a very fragile sense of self worth that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism. There is also a more general, less extreme form of narcissism that some call “societal narcissism.”

Read the rest of the article here.

My weird obsessions.

Posted on December 11, 2015 by luckyotter

Just thought I’d throw this out there. I’m sure it’s a phase and will pass. Occasionally I get obsessed with random things and for a few days or weeks those things take up all my time and energy. My obsessions tend toward the strange: what the higher dimensions look like, how languages evolved, the function of the pineal gland, universes with different laws of physics, why time goes by faster as you age, remote places in the world like Antarctica, books I loved as a child, dragonflies…and the Illuminati. (Cue Twilight Zone theme).

Anyone else have weird obsessions they want to share?

I finally got my new diagnosis (sort of).

Posted on December 7, 2015 by luckyotter

I know the labels don’t really matter, but I’ve been wanting to know for months. I also wanted to know if I’m really a covert narcissist. I got my diagnosis on Friday.

Trust..

Before I talk about that, I just want to say that I know I picked he right therapist and it’s because of the way he showed me his empathy and got me to trust him.

Modeling empathy.

empathy3
We originally had our appointment for Thursday but he forgot. It turned out it was a mixup in his calendar due to the confusion over Thanksgiving week. The first thing he did when I showed up and he realized his mistake was to apologize. He said he would make it up to me. I felt a niggling of rejection (how did he forget??? How could he possibly make it up? I had important thing to tell him!)

I worried that maybe he didn’t really like me and was trying to get rid of me.

He must have known this because I think he saw the look on my face (that I was trying to hide with laughter and “no problem” reassurances) but he knew that was an act, I think.

“Why don’t you swing by tomorrow?” he said. This guy saw how I felt, and empathically addressed the situation and in so doing, removed my worries that he might be trying to get rid of me. I told him that I was glad he remedied things so quickly because, I admitted, if he hadn’t done that I would have continued to feel rejected.

His quick remedy showed he had a lot of empathy and was concerned how I felt. That made me trust him. I also realized he was modeling empathy for me, something I never got from my parents and very few other people growing up.

The Diagnosis.

He knows I have a BPD, PTSD and AvPD diagnosis, but from the very first session I told him I think I’m also a covert narcissist. I explained what that was in case he didn’t know (since it’s not recognized officially). This session, which was my third, I finally worked up the courage to ask what he’d diagnosed me with.

“Well, I don’t really believe in the medical model,” he said. “Also, the Axes have been removed from the DSM-V.” This was news to me.
He was staring at me. “What?” I said.
“Do you want me to give you a diagnosis?”
I stared back and looked away, licking my lips nervously and giggled a little.
“What’s going on?”
“Uhmmm, nothing.”
“Why is it important to you to have a diagnosis?”
“It isn’t, really…” But it was, and I didn’t know why or how to explain it. “I’m just curious, I guess.”
“I won’t give you a diagnosis but you do appear to have symptoms of PTSD and some borderline traits….”
His sentence hung in the air.
“and…?” I asked, waiting.
“Well, you wanted to know, so I’ll tell you. I don’t think you have NPD, but you do have narcissistic traits and are probably on the spectrum.” That’s about where I thought I was. I was relieved I didn’t have NPD.

But it was like I went down the rabbit hole all over again, feeling dissociated and lightheaded but only for a minute. This time I had my emotional water wings on and floated back into reality. I was so overcome with relief that my eyes watered.

I think it was the relief of having some kind of closure. I’ve been so confused for so long. Well, I guess I’m sort of in limbo between narcdom and non-narcdom, which doesn’t clear things up a whole lot more than they were before, but somehow now the confusion makes more sense.

The “War on Christmas”? Bah humbug.

Posted on December 7, 2015 by luckyotter

Since this very topic came up in the comments under my last article (the one about the Illuminati), I decided to repost this essay I wrote last year that expresses my sentiments about this issue. In spite of my being closer to Christ than I was a year ago, my opinions on this matter have not changed much. (The original essay appears at the bottom of this article.)

I’d like to add my latest 2 cents about the so-called “war on Christmas”–the whole dumbfck Starbucks coffee cup drama. I think it’s a delusion fed to us through (possibly) illuminati-run organizations like Faux News. Christmas, if anything, is more commercialized than ever because it’s become a way for big business to rake in the big bucks every year. It starts with Black Friday and everywhere you turn, it’s “buy buy buy, spend spend spend, smile smile smile”! It’s become a holiday of greed and fake cheer and it makes those who can’t afford much and/or don’t have families to spend Christmas with feel like crap. And that’s their intention–to emphasize the huge gap between the rich and the poor–and of course to make more money. I don’t make a big deal about Christmas anymore because it causes me too much stress. I treat it like Thanksgiving and focus on the food rather than the gifts, and I don’t decorate much. Thankfully this year my daughter is doing Christmas at her house. She gets a lot more into it than I do. Anyway, my point is, the whole Starbucks coffee cup thing is stupid. I mean, come on, if you really want a Christmas tree you can draw one on your cup. Maybe they should provide markers with the cups. I think they did that because they know many Jews and other non-Christians buy their products too so they just colored the cups red for the holidays. It’s no different than Christmas cards saying “seasons greetings” so non-Christians won’t be offended. And that’s nothing new, there were cards like that for as long as Christmas cards have been made but no one used to complain about it. People getting their panties in a bunch over Starbucks think it’s something new and there’s a war on Christmas because Fox News tells them there is. December 25th was originally a pagan holiday anyway. If there is a war on Christmas then it’s the fact that most people don’t remember it’s a solemn holiday to remember Christ’s birth, not a commercial free for all to make big business even richer.

Now, don’t think I’m completely down on Christmas. I want to end this article on a positive note. I stress a lot less about Christmas than I used to. My children both understand that I simply am not going to make a big deal over it the way I used to. I’m going to bring a few inexpensive gifts and bake my traditional spinach and meat lasagna (Christmas colors in that, and no I am not Italian but I should be!)

I heard something interesting in church today. Our priest was addressing the issues of financial and emotional stress during the holidays, with many people feeling very alone. He said that at those times we begin to feel inadequate or alone, we should remember what Christmas is really all about and know that Jesus loves us no matter how poor, lonely or dejected we feel. And celebrate the coming of the Lord, who can deliver us from those negative thoughts and feelings. The trapping don’t matter, only our relationship with God does.

I felt lighthearted when I left church and felt inspired to do my little bit of Christmas shopping, with the $109 I just got from WordPress for the past 3 months of blogging. It’s nice to know I can do fun things like buy a few nice gifts with money I got doing something I love. I came home and put put up my tiny fiber optic table top tree that took about 5 minutes, and it looks just right in my postage stamp living room! Suddenly I feel much more in the holiday spirit. So I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be, and that’s ready enough.

Lucky Otters Haven

Certain Christians who celebrate Christmas (not all Christians do) have lately been bellyaching via blogs, bumper stickers, and various memes that there is a “war on Christmas” going on. Even some conservative Christian politicians have been bloviating about this alleged “war on Christmas.” Where are the tiny violins?

I find it all a bit mystifying because if anything Christmas is more in your face today than it ever was before. The holiday season used to start the day after Thanksgiving; now it starts the day after Halloween, and even Thanksgiving has been insidiously taken over by a day celebrating the spirit of greed called “Black Friday”–which now has edged into “Black Thursday,” meaning many stores are now open on Thanksgiving so people can stock up on cheap TVs and other appliances to give their holiday shopping a head start.

You can’t get away from Christmas. Everywhere you turn, it’s…

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Emotional Energy

Posted on November 29, 2015 by luckyotter

I found this fascinating. Weirdly, this reminds me of the Tone Scale used in Dianetics/Scientology (which is the only thing I ever liked about that “religion”) because I actually thought there was something to it.

The Emotional Tone Scale:

tone_scale2

Narcissistic Women – Satanic Sirens Who Act Like Angelic Maidens

Posted on November 29, 2015 by luckyotter

It’s not only men who abuse, or women who get abused. There are female narcissists without a shred of empathy and every bit as toxic as an abusive man. In some cases they can be even more manipulative and underhanded because society has trained them to not be as outwardly aggressive. ACON blogger and author Kim Saeed is gathering stories from men about abusive female narcissists they have been involved with, for a future book. If you’re a man and have a story to tell, please keep on reading.

Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Let Me Reach is seeking stories from men about narcissistic women.

As we forge through this era of equality for all, it’s important that we shine the light on a disturbing and often misunderstood phenomenon. Men are narcissistically abused, too. And female narcissists have an advantage due to age-old societal leanings to view women as the gentler sex…in need of protection and extra support.

While that may be true for some women in our world, female narcissists are wreaking havoc and destroying lives just as badly as their male counterparts using these outdated standards to their great advantage. In some cases, their evil can seem even more depraved and unscrupulous using such debauched schemes as: luring men (and women) into affairs and later blackmailing them and extorting money from them, making death threats, making threats of exposure, fooling the court systems to get custody of children for the simple…

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Thanksgiving 2015 (with pictures!)

Posted on November 27, 2015 by luckyotter

Mr. Biggles and his Thanksgiving greeting.

I look back on last Thanksgiving and realize now how weird and sad it was. My daughter was in jail for 30 days for DUI (she has improved IMMENSELY since that experience)–I don’t recommend jail time for anyone, but it actually was a wake up call for her and she’s been making lots of positive changes this year. Now she’s engaged to a great guy, has a house, and is working full time and looking into going to college (finally!), possibly working with troubled kids or in the substance abuse field.

I made myself sick eating these while making them. 😛

Last Thanksgiving was very strange. I had dinner with her then-boyfriend, a charmer named Paul who seemed too good to be true (and was!) He was financially stable, seemingly successful, very polite and seemed to really love my daughter, but he was actually a sociopath who in short order showed his true, evil colors, but I won’t repeat that story again (I already wrote about him early this year). My daughter, who was in jail last Thanksgiving, couldn’t join us and so it was a lonely Thanksgiving dinner with just me, Paul and my roommate Stacey who tagged along because she had nowhere else to go. The food was excellent (Paul is a very good cook and of course he was love bombing us and trying to brainwash us all with how perfect he was before the demon inside him began to come out and wreak havoc on our lives). He had us all fooled, but that story (which I’ve told already) doesn’t belong in this post.

Dexter all ready for the holidays in his “Ho Ho Ho” collar.

This Thanksgiving was much better–much more of a normal-family Thanksgiving. The food was great (I brought 2 pies–which no one ate–and deviled eggs I had made this morning. While I was making them, I probably ate about 8, and the only downside to my Thanksgiving was I spent most of the time at my daughter and her fiance Ryan’s house in the bathroom, LOL! So I wasn’t very hungry, although I did pick at the delicious turkey and stuffing my ex had made.

It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas!

Speaking of my ex, he was there, mostly staying in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes (he was probably trying to avoid me, LOL). We actually got along very well and he was on his best behavior. We even had a pleasant conversation with each other. I’m still very low contact with him (and intend to remain so) but today there was no antagonism, fighting, or drama of any kind. He even showed concern over how sick I was feeling (probably fake, but was still nice).

I just thought this looked pretty.

Dinner is served!

Enjoying the food.

My daughter’s best friend was there (they seem more like sisters than friends and they look alike too) with her 1 1/2 year old son Weston. Also there was the friend’s sister and her 6 year old son Clayton. My daughter is great with the kids, especially Weston (who she babysits a lot for); I definitely think she’ll make a good mom someday.

Ryan teasing Weston with his “glowstick” gloves.

Soon to be newlyweds. ❤

Weston again.

When I arrived my daughter and her friend were putting up the Christmas decoration, my ex had started a fire, and they finally have some furniture in their lovely 3 bedroom, 2 bath house, so it looks like home now.

thanksgiving2015_11

They look so much in love.

After we ate (no one actually sat down to eat, as most of us just nibbled from the plates laid out on every flat surface), we went out in the backyard because it was pretty warm (60’s) and took more pictures. When it stared to get dark, I headed back to my house because I have trouble seeing on the road after dark.

Weston and Clayton.

Are you listening to me???

Going for a ride!

Random thoughts on family.
I was also thinking about how my immediate family is splintered into at least 4 or 5 discrete groups located in various parts of the country. There’s my enclave of our splintered family (me, my daughter and her husband-to-be here in North Carolina, and all our pets); then there’s my son in Florida with his “adopted” family of close friends and his partner’s immediate family who almost think of him as a second son, and their 2 dogs; then there’s my 80-something mother and her extended family in the upper-middle class Chicago suburbs; and finally my aging father and his caretaker-wife in Texas, who in recent years have been celebrating the holidays by themselves or sometimes with their neighbors (since he hasn’t been well and Parkinson’s has compromised his ability to walk or speak normally).

My son (the family empath) has this dream of organizing a huge family reunion one day when he can afford it; of anyone in the family, it means the most to him to bring everyone together at some point. He’s even made friends with distant cousins, second cousins, and other relatives I’ve never even met through Facebook and other social media and is closer to all of them than either me or his sister is, because he has reached out to them and we have not. I think that’s beautiful but I don’t know if the family reunion idea will ever work. There’s just too much baggage, drama, and too many of us not speaking to other family members. It sucks and is very sad but that’s how it is. I think it’s commendable though that he’s the only one who actually cares about wanting to heal this family and bring us ALL together, even if his ideas are too idealistic and unrealistic and unlikely to come to fruition (half of our relatives probably wouldn’t attend anyway).

Resting after stuffing ourselves. That’s my ex back there in the kitchen.

Yours truly.

I’m not sure what she was doing here but I don’t appear to like it! 😀

I feel very thankful our little corner of the family appears to be finally healing, and for once we enjoyed a holiday with NO drama, NO stress (other than my poor stomach), good food, fun, and lots of hugs and love to go around. And I’m thankful my ex opted to stay out of the way in the kitchen most of the time.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Nano Poblano 2015: dead in the water.

Posted on November 23, 2015 by luckyotter

I won’t be able to post a “I Survived Nano Poblano 2015” sticker in my sidebar this year because I didn’t make it through even the first week of November.

Last November, I posted 85 blog posts, mostly original articles. That’s almost three per day. This year is a lot different. November 2015 is almost over and I’ve only posted 28. I estimate that by the last day of this month (only a week from now) I might make it to 40–a little over one post per day–and that’s a big maybe.

A year ago I was a two month old new blogger walking around in a star-struck fog, blissed out by the excitement and novelty of all that went with being a new blogger and knowing people all over the world actually read–and cared–about my thoughts and opinions. The rapid growth of this blog starting around this time last year (mostly because Sam Vaknin decided to Google himself and found an article I wrote about him) was a little like winning the blogging lottery.

But I’m jaded now. Although this blog has far more readers than it did last year, the little kid that was going crazy in the new-blogger candy store stuffing her face with every goody in sight is now a teenager worried about all that candy giving her pimples, and feeling a bit sick from eating all that sugar too. But candy still tastes good, and so does writing, so I’ll keep doing it and enjoying it, even though I can forget about being able to post a “I Survived Nano Poblano 2015” sticker in my sidebar this year.

A year ago my life was still pretty much a mess and I was a lot less emotionally stable. Not that I’m exactly stable now, but I’m a lot more so. At least I think I am. Blogging had a lot do with my growth as a person. I have so much more insight and know so much more about myself than I did at this time last year (and boy, did I ever sound arrogant and full of myself last year too!), and that’s worth so much more than any award I could paste in my sidebar or the false pride that comes when when semi-famous people happen to stumble across my musings.

Not that I don’t appreciate those things. I do. But I’m perfectly okay with NOT having those things too and it was, after all, MY choice to not write every day. So congratulations in advance to all you fellow bloggers who will survive this month’s Nano Poblano challenge, especially the newbies!