Category Archives: Blogging

My letter to a fellow ACON who wants to take her blog down.

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courage_biblequote

A good friend of mine in the ACON community has just announced she wants to take her blog down and remove herself from all social media. She isn’t depressed or angry at anyone, but just feels like she wants to hide. She also said that she feels like maybe God wouldn’t approve of her exposing her abusers, even though she has never used any real names. I was a little alarmed by this, so I just sent her an email, which I’m going to post here (and remove any identifying information). I think the feelings she described are common in abuse survivors, who have been trained by their abusers that nothing they do is ever right and that exposing their abusers is some kind of mortal sin. I beg to differ.

Here’s my letter in response to her post.

I just read your latest post about wanting to hide. At first I was surprised you said you were allowing comments, but after I read it I understood why. When you said you were thinking about taking down your blog, Twitter, etc. I thought to myself, No! she can’t do that! We need _______ ‘s blog!

I’ve sometimes felt like hiding too and been tempted to disable comments several times. Once (and you will remember this) last May, I was VERY close to taking down my blog or setting it to private because of some criticism I got over a post I wrote. I also felt very exposed when my blog was found by a few people I didn’t want to find it (including family members), but after an initial “Oh, shit” panic reaction, I decided to keep plugging away because to do otherwise would be the coward’s way to handle things, and I’m sick of being a coward who never stands up for myself.

I think as survivors of abuse, we ACONs can be very easily triggered. It’s scary being out there and being so vulnerable for the public to see. But that’s exactly what we are trying to reconnect with through blogging and sharing our stories with each other. We need to regain our courage to BE vulnerable. We’ve been trained by our narcissists THAT IS NOT OKAY, but that is a big fat LIE. We look at those who haven’t been so damaged and marvel at their openness, but when we try to do it, it can be very scary.

I think that’s why you feel like running away and hiding. It’s your fear that you might be hurt again that’s causing you to take such drastic action. I know, because I feel that way often myself.

____, DON’T DO IT. Don’t take down your blog. It’s understandable you might need a break, but don’t be rash. Set it to private for awhile and focus on other things, or just let it stand as is, and just don’t post in it for awhile. Give yourself a break, that will give you time to be mindful instead of doing something you might regret, like removing your blog.

We’ve been lied to and made to believe that exposing our narcissistic parents, spouses, etc. is not okay. I believe in the 10 Commandments too, but I don’t believe God wants the narcissists to get away with what they do, and I don’t believe a narcissistic mother or father really qualifies as a true parent. They certainly haven’t lived up to their end of the responsibility, have they? You are not using any real names, so you are not damaging them personally. What you are doing instead, is giving a voice to the oppressed survivors that have felt all alone because they thought no one could ever understand. We are inundated with sappy, sentimental images of Mothers, but our mothers never fulfilled that stereotype. For us, that image is a lie.

Narcissists, no matter whether they are biological parents or not, deserve to be exposed for what they are, and for how they have abused us. By sharing your story, you have no idea how many other people who have been in your boat you are helping. You have helped me, and you have helped many others.

Also, don’t think for one second that your story isn’t interesting enough to write about. You have one of the most interesting stories I have heard. You are helping and giving hope to countless abuse survivors. No names are mentioned, you are not hurting anyone, and I am sure Jesus approves of what you are doing. It’s all for the greater good. Your blog helps so many. God has led you to where you are for a reason.

Please think about what you’re doing. If after a month or so, you still want to take your blog down, then go ahead. But I would wait, and leave it up anyway for others to read and find hope from in the meantime, and just focus on taking care of yourself for a while.

***

I forgot to put this in my email, but I think that as a Christian, my friend should subscribe to Smakintosh’s Youtube Channel (Gospel Underground). He is a survivor of narcissistic parents, and has many videos that explain why it isn’t unbiblical to expose and go no contact with narcissistic parents. Here it is for any other interested persons: https://www.youtube.com/user/smakintosh

At what point do critical comments become bullying?

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breaking_point

As a person with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I’m not the type to readily confront others on their bad behavior, but at this point, I’ve gotten so fed up with one commenter I no longer care if what I say makes them mad. It appears that lately, this commenter has been criticizing every one of my posts, it seems, just to be able to criticize. This commenter and I have some serious disagreements about several issues related to the content of this blog and life in general, and that’s fine and dandy; I don’t expect or even want everyone to agree with me all the time. After all, my opinions are just opinions, and disagreements, if presented respectfully and in a way that doesn’t seem like spamming or bullying, can can lead to healthy debate.

But this commenter has reached a point where their snarkiness has become trollish and bordering on bullying. Not only that, but this commenter appears to ALWAYS be here, because they always seem to comment almost the minute I put up a new post and are usually one of the first to comment, if not THE first. Yet this person rarely if ever “Likes” anything I post (which is fine in itself, many people don’t use the Like button). But I don’t understand why, if this person dislikes what I have to say so much, they always seem to be here, watching and waiting. It’s creepy to be honest. I feel like I’m being stalked.

Not only is it creepy and hurtful, it’s also incredibly BORING and ANNOYING.

I have informed this person I am almost at the point of not approving any of their comments, because I’m just so damn sick of it. I HATE drama, including online drama, but this is just too much. I need to take action.

If you blog, how do you know if a commenter has crossed the line into trollishness?

The simple answer is: if you feel like your boundaries are being invaded. Here are some things to pay attention to:

1. Do you get a creepy, stalkerish feel from someone who frequents your blog?

2. Do they snark on or criticize almost every post?

3. If they run their own blog, do they post articles about your blog or about you that are excessive and/or critical?

4. Have other bloggers complained to you about that person or have they stopped coming to your blog because that person ran them off?

If any of these things are true for you they are red flags and you should listen to them. The same thing goes online as well as offline, and if someone is making your blogging life less fun and causing you undue stress, please listen to your instincts. There are basically two things you can do if this happens:

1. You can stop approving comments or block that person from commenting.

2. You can try to reason with the person and let them know why their behavior is bothersome to you.

First of all, try to determine if it’s just you overreacting. Sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re just reacting badly to someone disagreeing with you, but if others have complained, or they are leaving because of that person, or you just feel uncomfortable only with that one person, then it probably isn’t just you being over sensitive. If you’re like me and hate being harsh and like to give people the benefit of the doubt, you can try #2 first. But if the bad behavior continues and your warning seems to fall on deaf ears, then it’s time to take more drastic action. (I have already tried to reason with this person so that leaves me one choice).

At the end of the day, it’s YOUR blog, YOUR rules. If someone continually violates your rules or disrespects you or your other commenters, it’s time to enforce your rules.

How is your website doing?

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My Alexa ranking.

There are many things that factor into how well your website is doing, including a lot of things I don’t really understand yet. But considering there are almost a billion websites on the Internet (woah, that’s a LOT of websites!), having a ranking of 1.5 million globally and under 500,000 in the United States is pretty damn good.

You can get some general info on how your website is doing (without signing up for anything or paying for anything) here:
http://www.alexa.com/

My blogging mojo is back!

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girl_computer

This is my 10th post today. I don’t think I’ve ever made 10 posts in one day before. Yes, I realize they’re all either pretty short or reblogs, but still! I’m very proud of myself. Maybe I should give Jonas the credit though, since he trapped me inside my house all day today.

In general though, my interest in blogging has returned after a couple of months of feeling like it was becoming a chore. I think bloggers go through the doldrums every so often and you just have to keep on writing and wait for them to pass. I think my Seasonal Affective Disorder had something to do with it too. In the fall, I lose interest in pretty much everything. Once the days start getting longer, my mood improves and my interest in things and my creativity returns.

The 8 Worst Types of Blog on the Internet.

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your_blog_sucks

One of my favorite websites is Cracked.com. Since I blog a lot about blogging, and “enjoy” bad blogs as much as the folks over at Cracked, I want to share this countdown with my interested readers. I’m well aware that by doing this, however, I’m guilty of being a “Parrot” (see #5), at least sometimes.

Let the laughs begin.

The 8 Worst Types of Blog on the Internet
By Chris Bucholz, posted July 26, 2011 for Cracked.com

Back in 2007, when the Internet was young, a plucky and ambitious group of hellions going by the name “Cracked.com” launched a feature on their site called the Cracked Blog. There, an elite team of barely legal humorists posted their thoughts about themselves, the state of society and semi-popular television programming. It was, in every sense, marvelous — every word a bolt of golden silk, hanging in an eternal summer breeze. But time passed, and the bloggers started getting worn out, tired with the hectic pace of updating multiple times a day. They began writing longer posts that appeared less frequently, eventually shape-shifting into a MILF-ish group whom we now call the Cracked Columnists. By late 2008, the Cracked Blog was dead, a loss which would soon rattle the world’s economy to its core. But it turns out that despite Cracked’s wholesale abandonment of the medium, blogging didn’t die out at the same time. Since then, many different blogs have continued to thrive and evolve. There are blogs about video games and blogs about food, and even a blog where there are pictures of a cat saying things. This is all well and good, but unfortunately, not all blogs have achieved such lofty feats. Many, in truth, suck all sorts of balls. Below is a list of some of the worst examples of how the blog format has been misused.

#8: The “Let’s Start a Blog” Blog

dear_diary

You know what these are like. The first post (which still hasn’t scrolled off the front page) says something like “Test” or “I Have A Blog!” The next three posts are a little less focused. And then nothing. It’s a problem of access, or too much of a good thing. A blog is a place to say something, and even though they’re freely available to anyone who can fog a mirror, this does not imply that all mirror-foggers have something to say.*

Read the rest of this post here.

Losing followers.

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puzzled

As a blogger, I always worry when I lose followers, even if it’s only a few.     For the past few weeks my number of followers has remained steady (and the number of visitors and views keeps going up, thanks to the search engines and continuing popularity of certain posts I wrote a while back), but this week I lost about 4 followers.  Today I have 1314 followers; a week ago I had 1318.

I don’t know who these followers were, and there could be any number of reasons why they’re not following me anymore, including something as impersonal as a WordPress glitch (it’s happened before; in fact it happened to me yesterday:  I had to re-follow Bluebird of Bitterness, who I never knowingly unfollowed).  They could also be spam accounts who unfollowed me.    But I worry just the same, and I always start fretting about what I might have said that may have offended someone.

But what sort of blog would this be if I never offended anyone?  A boring one, probably.   Of course I don’t intentionally try to offend,  but whenever you state an opinion, someone might disagree with you.   It really can’t be avoided.  My blog is so I don’t have to keep my opinions all to myself!   I probably didn’t offend anyone anyway, at least not enough for them to unfollow me,  and even if I did why I am so worried about four followers who I can’t even identify and might have been bogus accounts anyway?

ETA: Twenty minutes after posting this, I gained three followers. 🙂  I don’t know if they’re the same ones or not.

Stream of consciousness blogging.

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Credit: Paulinasaurus

You might think you have nothing interesting to say, but that’s a big fat lie you tell yourself.

Ever have those random weird thoughts that just come out of nowhere? Write about them. Even if you think they’re silly or embarrassing or insignificant or would make no sense to anyone else, blog about them anyway. You never know who might be able to relate or might have been thinking the same thing. Sometimes some damned good conversations can get started that way.  At the very least, you might make someone think, and getting people to think is always good.

Sometimes your random thought could take the form of a question. If you’ve always wanted to know why you never see baby squirrels or why socks always disappear in the wash (and wire hangers tend to breed), write it down. You may get some answers.

If you don’t think you have a topic to write about, you do. Start where your mind is at right now, this very second, and go from there.  I don’t care how boring you think your life is. Write about the chair you’re sitting in, or the bed you’re lounging on, what you’re eating (if anything), what time you got up, what your plans for the day are, how unpleasant that flu you have is, what the temperature in the room is like, the view outside your window (even if it’s a dark trash-filled alley), what the wall next to you looks like and what’s on it (include photos of it maybe?), or the people and animals sharing the room with you right now. If Grandpa cracking his pistachios all night in front of the TV is the equivalent of being waterboarded, by all means write about it. If you can’t stand the way your husband mouth-breathes and picks his nose in front of the mirror, write about that too. Things that irritate you always make entertaining posts. Or write about how much you love something. How about compiling a bucket list? Lists of any kind are good, and they’re easy to write too. Everyone loves lists. Listicles are a thing.

Pick any one of the things above or something you came up with on your own and elaborate on it. If you feel like being goofy, be goofy. If you feel like ranting, then go ahead and rant. Blogging gets it all out of your system. Sometimes my best posts came along when I thought I had nothing to say. You never know–you may wind up saying something someone else wants or needs to hear.

I’m just gonna say it, okay?

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dying_happiness

I’d really love to be Freshly Pressed®. I wonder if it’s ever going to happen. I just think being Freshly Pressed would be incredibly cool and do wonders for my low self-esteem. If I ever get Freshly Pressed I think I would just die of happiness.

Kill me now!

 

please

Walls of words.

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walloftext

Nothing will make me avoid reading a post quicker than a long wall of words, unbroken even by paragraphs. I don’t care how well written your post otherwise is, I don’t care how cutting edge or educational or interesting or brilliant your thoughts are, I don’t care how much I might relate to your incredible, moving story. You could write at the level of Shakespeare or Poe, but if my eyes feel like they’re swimming in a vast ocean of text, let me make one thing clear: I won’t read it.

Fortunately I haven’t seen many bloggers who are guilty of this. Most bloggers have at least a rudimentary knowledge of how to use paragraph breaks, pictures, and graphics to break up text. There’s nothing wrong with writing long articles. There’s no need to dumb everything down and write only two sentences just because it’s on the Internet. When a post is too short and the title promises meat, it’s like a bait-and-switch and I feel cheated. If the article’s title suggests there will be meat, then it’s meat that I want, not the appetizer. I don’t want a few words and a bunch of pretty pictures because the blogger is too lazy or doesn’t know enough about what they’re writing about to put anything with more substance there. So there’s nothing wrong with writing long articles. Many of my posts are very long indeed. But when they are, I always try to use something, preferably eye-catching, to break up the words every 3 or 4 paragraphs or so (without overdoing it, of course).

If you’re a minimalist and don’t like too many pictures or graphics in your posts, paragraph breaks or subheaders are just fine. Learn to use them. If you don’t like or don’t know how to use them, perhaps you shouldn’t be blogging at all and should take a class in basic written English. It’s just common courtesy. It’s very rude, in my opinion, to write a post that makes my eyes feel like they’re caught in a digital sandstorm and that bring on pounding migraines.

No comment.

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Credit: I’m Still Here by Pechiv, Deviantart.

When I was new to blogging and still didn’t get many comments, I used to check my Reader every day and frequently commented on other people’s blogs. In my blogging articles, I’ve always stressed how important commenting is, because it helps you build a network of fellow bloggers who can share your posts or link to your blog. One of the nicest things about WordPress.com is the sense of community.

But lately I haven’t been following my own advice as much as I’d like and often fail to comment on other blogs, or even “Like” new posts. I may not need to “network” the way I used to since this blog is doing well on its own now, but I do miss the sense of community. The problem is time. After reading and replying to my own comments, it’s hard to find enough time to read other people’s posts (and there are so many good ones–how do you choose which ones to read?) and I don’t want to “Like” or comment on something I haven’t even read.

Sometimes I worry when someone who has been commenting a lot suddenly stops, even though I know they’re probably in the same boat as me and are just too busy and can’t find the time. So I just want to take a moment to say it’s nothing personal if I don’t “Like” or comment on your article. Also, please don’t take it personally if my replies to your comments aren’t very long.