Not ready to run with the big dogs.

Posted on August 4, 2016 by luckyotter

I’m not ready to run with the big dogs in the blogging world yet–nowhere near. This puppy still requires a lot from me just to stay alive from day to day. If this blog tried to run with the big dogs now, it would probably get trampled and run home whimpering. Could be I’d even have to dress a few wounds caused by Pup’s overeagerness to join the grownups and alpha dogs.

I assumed my blog had reached a point where I could take a break from it for a few days and Google would do my job for me while I did other things. After all, there are some popular posts on this blog that continue to get a lot of hits months and even a year or more (!) after they were first posted. I thought these self-generating popular posts would keep my viewcount up without me having to maintain it in any way. I also thought because my Alexa rankings are fairly good (top 450,000 global; top 80,000 US) and my view count per day ranges between 1,500 and 2,500 (it can go higher on good days, or when a post goes viral), meant I could be lazy for a few days or a week and just sit and do nothing at all and wait for the hits to come. (I know, I know, Alexa is sort of lame and not the best measure of a blog’s metrics, but I don’t want to pay for Google analytics).

Wrong! After ONE DAY of not posting, my stats are WAY down. It was disheartening to open my blog today and find NO likes, NO new followers, NO comments, and an abysmal view count. I felt like I did the second week of blogging, when I would open my blog and find…nothing. All that hard work I put slaving over a post for hours to make it perfect in every way, only to wind up having an audience of one–myself. Granted, these days some people are reading. I have regular followers who always check for new posts. So things aren’t as bad as when I was a newbie. But it’s still disappointing when the only people visiting your posts are your regulars who always visit anyway.

This can only mean that Lucky Otter’s Haven isn’t quite ready to “work” on its own yet without my help. It’s not The Huffington Post or Amazon or even Cracked.com, and even those sites require regular maintenance and new articles every day. LOH still needs regular maintenance and lots of TLC from me, and it needs a stream of new posts every day (or at least one or two). Out of those new posts, a few catch on and a very few even go viral or remain popular over time. Not all of them do. In fact most of them don’t.

My other blog, Down The Rabbit Hole (I jokingly refer to it as my “second child”), has very low visibility and has not grown much (if at all) since I started it 11 months ago. But that’s because DTRH was never intended to be for anyone but myself and any friends who are actually interested in reading about my therapy sessions and learning what goes on inside all those nested boxes stacked inside my mind like a Russian doll or Chinese puzzle. I have never tried to monetize Rabbit Hole and probably never will. It wouldn’t qualify for monetization anyway–not enough traffic. Rabbit Hole has a much more limited audience and I have no desire to make it “popular” because to do so would ruin the far more intimate, personal, introspective feel of that blog, which some readers actually prefer over this one with all its widgets, ads, filler, jokes, pictures, and fluff posts. So, when I log into DTRH and find I got only 20 views that day and no new Likes or comments, I don’t worry about it. I don’t go out of my way to promote that blog either, being that the posts in it are so personal I really don’t like to share too many of them on social media. It’s really nothing more than a personal journal that I happened to have made public to anyone who wants to read the minutiae of my therapy sessions and my own healing progress.

Lucky Otter’s Haven is different from The Rabbit Hole–it’s a “I’m-a-victim-of-narcissistic-abuse-and-I-have-mental-problems-and-PTSD-resulting-from-that-abuse” kind of blog but it’s also a general purpose blog, with a little something for everyone. Like music, all kinds? Check. Like art and photography? Check. Like politics and social issues and want to hear my unasked for opinion on those? Check. Like movie and book reviews? Check. Like posts describing all my mundane daily activities, like what I ate for breakfast and how long the line at the DMV was? Check. Like inspirational memes? Check. True confessions? Check. A little religion? You’ll find that here too. Want to look at photos of my pets? Check. Care to look at my dilapidated and mismatched furniture and my less than Architectural Digest (or even less than HGTV) quality interior decor in my tragically outdated 1908 half of a farm house which is in dire need of major repairs? Check. Have a penchant to read snarky little essays about everyday things? Check that too. Curious to see videos of my son’s dance routines? Check. Itching for a little controversy? Yes, you’ll find that here too. Haven’t had your daily dose of schadenfreude? This blog is full of rants and whines and even a little shameless self pity that should fit the bill. Want to learn how to be a better blogger and while you’re at it, find out how to recognize and handle online trolls, bullies, psychopaths, and narcissists? Got you covered.

After my narcissism posts, my blogging and writing articles are my second most popular kinds of posts. I don’t think of LOH as a “blogging advice blog,” but I suppose for some, it could serve that purpose if they wanted it to. It’s a versatile blog and I think that’s a good thing. No one has complained about that yet.

LOH didn’t become “general purpose” to get popular; I made it that way because lots of things interest me and there’s always some interesting and random thing going on, if you just are paying attention. I also am opinionated and have opinions about many things, and this is my platform for spewing those opinions to the world. I also get burned out sometimes on writing about narcissism and need a break to focus on things that are less dark and deadly-serious.

But I digress. Those of you who follow this blog know I write about lots of things and from one day to the next, you won’t really know what to expect. I think that’s a good thing and I think it keeps my regulars around. But I realized after today that I can’t afford to get lazy and just let this blog float on its own, because chances are good it sink like a leaden rowboat to the bottom of Internet ocean, where algae, seaweed, barnacles, and general rot will take up residence on its rusting carcass. It’s not famous like the ill fated Titanic (or as big), so no one’s likely in 100 years or so, to dredge it up from its sedimentary place of rest at the bottom of the Cyber-sea to explore its hidden treasures.

It’s only fate would be Just Another Dead Blog.

RIP

So maintaining activity on this blog is still something I have to keep working at. I can’t take extended “vacations” unless I’m willing to watch my blog capsize and sink into the Underworld of the Dead Blogs.

Moral: If you’re not a Big Dog yet, you can’t afford to be a lazy blogger.

Babycat, the barking cat is back home.

Posted on August 3, 2016 by luckyotter

My daughter is no longer dating her ex-boyfriend and has been staying with me for the past couple of months while she saves to get an apartment of her own. You who have followed this blog for awhile may remember BabyCat, who she took with her when she moved in with her (now) ex. BabyCat stayed with her father (my ex) for awhile, but now she’s back, looking no worse for wear. She knows she’s a looker. She’s not a Maine Coon, but she looks a lot like one.

BabyCat’s the only cat I ever met who “barks” when she wants attention: really, a very scratchy, deep throated “mrow,” said quickly so it comes out sounding almost like a dog bark.

Monday Melody: I Wanna Be Sedated (Ramones)

Posted on August 2, 2016 by luckyotter

Most people, when they think of what sort of music was popular in the late ’70s, automatically think of Disco. But these were also the years of the rise of punk and new wave, which heralded the ’80s to come. The Ramones were one of the first punk rock bands in the United States, and 1978’s “I Wanna Be Sedated” was one of their most well known tunes.

The official video is entertaining and hilarious–almost as much fun to watch as the song is to listen to. It’s hard to keep up with all the crazy goings-on (and I do mean literally crazy). You might feel like you could use some sedation yourself by the end of it.

When bloggers just disappear.

Posted on August 1, 2016 by luckyotter

One thing about the cyber-world that bugs me is its unstable, temporary nature. You can get really close to someone online and feel like you’ve been best friends for years, but because you don’t really know anything about them (their real name, where they live, what their favorite color is, etc.), if they suddenly take down their blog or just stop posting anything in it, there’s no way to find out what happened to them. Did they die? Are they in jail? Sick? Hard drive attacked by a virus? Abducted by aliens? Just don’t want to blog anymore?

There’s no way to ever find out, and it sucks because you’ve grown to care so much about the soul behind the words, even if you couldn’t recognize them if they were walking down the street. This goes for frequent commenters too, who are very active for awhile and then suddenly vanish. Only in that case, you also wonder if they might have grown bored with your blog or if you said something that pissed them off.

Narcissists and instant gratification.

Posted on July 31, 2016 by luckyotter

My MN ex always had to have what he wanted, right that second. During those seven years he freeloaded off me and refused to work (AFTER the divorce), he’d interrupt me at the most incredibly inconvenient times to take care of some minor need, and he’d become very petulant or even angry when you refused to jump when he said jump. He used to wake me up in the middle of the night, knowing I had work in a few hours, saying he needed a pack of cigarettes. Or when I’d go shopping, if I didn’t get him exactly what HE wanted (remember, he didn’t work and I paid for all the groceries myself) he’d rage and hurl insults at me until I went back to the store to get him what he wanted. He never even thanked me for going out of my way for him. He assumed this was his due and that I existed to carry out his bidding. Boundaries meant nothing to him–unless they were HIS boundaries (woe be to you for crossing over THOSE!). He’d never return the favor if you wanted something from HIM. He just kept taking and taking and taking, draining me of my sanity, my money, and even my looks and my health. If I hadn’t kicked him to the curb in early 2014, it probably would have killed me. He was like a giant baby living on my couch, only not at all cute or funny. Maybe more like a giant cancerous tumor attached to my couch and wallet would be a better description.

My mother, also a narcissist, used to call me at any old time. You were not allowed to refuse. You were supposed to drop whatever you were doing. When I’d tell her I was in the middle of work, or busy, or on another call and could I please call her back later, she’d pour on the guilt: “I’m your MOTHER, you can certainly spare a few minutes to talk to me!” followed with an ultimatum: “Tell them you’ll call back later.” How DARE I have priorities over taking a call from her? How DARE I make her wait? She wanted what she wanted when she wanted it, and did NOT want to wait. No narcissist does, because waiting for something requires a degree of empathy–that the person you want something from may have needs at the moment that override your own.

Instant gratification isn’t something that’s usually associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder; more often it’s associated with Antisocial Personality Disorder. I think for a narcissist, the inability to wait for anything is part the entitlement problem they have. To make a narcissist wait means you’re not putting them FIRST, which means they’re just not important enough to you otherwise you’d jump when they tell you to. To make one wait is a narcissistic injury. A baby can’t wait when it’s hungry; he cries and screams until Mom comes to feed him–that’s because he doesn’t realize yet that Mom is a separate person. To the baby, they are one, and Mom exists only to serve him.

Right up there, that’s your narcissist.

A narcissist is an overgrown adult baby. They never learned to differentiate other people from themselves. Due to something going terribly wrong during their early childhood when they were supposed to be learning that they existed separately from others, they are stuck at a pre-verbal level of emotional development, where other people exist only to serve their needs. If their immediate needs aren’t gratified, and you don’t put yours on the back burner or sacrifice your needs completely, to the narcissist it’s tantamount to annihilation. They feel as if they don’t exist. Hence, they must punish you–their rages and abuse are the equivalent of a two year old’s temper tantrum when they can’t have their ice cream RIGHT NOW.

Don’t enable a narcissist by letting them invade your boundaries this way. If you can’t go No Contact, stick to your guns and let them get mad–and get away as soon as you are able.

*****

Thanks to My Child Within for the idea for this post, which arose from a conversation in the comments.

Meet and Greet: 7/30/16

Posted on July 31, 2016 by luckyotter

Song for a beautiful Sunday!

Posted on July 31, 2016 by luckyotter

This long-forgotten one-hit wonder from 1972 is a guilty pleasure, but it always makes me tap my feet and puts a big smile on my face. Happy Sunday, everyone!

Word of the week: Callipygian

Posted on July 30, 2016 by luckyotter

I challenge you to try to use this one in conversation! 😉

Are narc abuse blogs a wake up call for some NPDs?

Posted on July 30, 2016 by luckyotter

I’ve sometimes been critical of ACON bloggers who seem trapped in hatred and over-the-top narc-bashing, but that’s because I think of hatred as a dangerous emotion that eventually hurts its bearer (and I think can even turn the victim narcissistic themselves), not because narcissists don’t deserve the vitriol (even though admittedly I have some empathy for ego-dystonic, low-spectrum narcissists, who are pretty rare).

Besides the obvious benefits of such blogs that preach No Contact and have probably saved a lot of victims’ sanity as well as lives, there’s another, unintentional advantage of ACON blogs that harshly call out narcissists and the things they do.

Sometimes I get emails from lower spectrum, ego-dystonic NPD’s who want to change or have been shocked into self-awareness by reading the victim blogs. I got one such email from a recently diagnosed NPD. I won’t post the whole thing because it was long, but there was this:

I didn’t even know what NPD was until my diagnosis, but since then I’ve been reading lot about it on some of the victim boards. Am I really like that? I hate to think that’s what I’m really like. I always thought I was a person who cared about others and has lots of empathy, I never thought I was manipulative or god forbid, an abuser. I don’t know…I think it’s true though. I don’t know why I couldn’t see these things about myself before. I always did wonder why people said I was so selfish. Why my relationships always fail. Why I get fired from all my jobs. Why I can never finish anything. Why people avoid me. Why I’m always so angry and depressed. But I can see why now, kind of. It’s horrifying. I never thought I was evil but my readings on these boards have made me realize how badly I treated my friends and my family, and my coworkers, and so many other people. I hate the idea I treated people like that. It’s like looking at myself in the mirror for the first time and seeing how ugly I really am. How was I so deluded? I am very depressed over this. I need to get rid of this. I don’t want to be this way anymore…

I don’t know how many narcissists read the victim blogs, but probably quite a few. Most narcissists–especially malignant ones–are probably secretly pleased that they have so much power and control over their victims, and that might be why you don’t see many of them fighting against the stigma, the way BPDs do. Malignant narcs LIKE the stigma because it makes them seem big and bad and dangerous, which is how they want to be seen.

But for narcissists who had no self-awareness before, perhaps reading these blogs is a sort of wake up call, like a mirror being shoved in their face. Of course, some like what they see and it’s a kind of validation, but a few do not. The ones who are shocked and dismayed by the image being reflected back at them might even, like the person I quoted above, begin to take steps necessary to change their behaviors.