Are narc abuse blogs a wake up call for some NPDs?

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empty_mirror_by_dred8667

I’ve sometimes been critical of ACON bloggers who seem trapped in hatred and over-the-top narc-bashing, but that’s because I think of hatred as a dangerous emotion that eventually hurts its bearer (and I think can even turn the victim narcissistic themselves), not because narcissists don’t deserve the vitriol (even though admittedly I have some empathy for ego-dystonic, low-spectrum narcissists, who are pretty rare).

Besides the obvious benefits of such blogs that preach No Contact and have probably saved a lot of victims’ sanity as well as lives, there’s another, unintentional advantage of ACON blogs that harshly call out narcissists and the things they do.

Sometimes I get emails from lower spectrum, ego-dystonic NPD’s who want to change or have been shocked into self-awareness by reading the victim blogs.   I got one such email from a recently diagnosed NPD.   I won’t post the whole thing because it was long, but there was this:

I didn’t even know what NPD was until my diagnosis, but since then I’ve been reading lot about it on some of the victim boards.  Am I really like that?  I hate to think that’s what I’m really like.  I always thought I was a person who cared about others and has lots of empathy, I never thought I was manipulative or god forbid, an abuser.   I don’t know…I think it’s true though.  I don’t know why I couldn’t see these things about myself before.   I always did wonder why people said I was so selfish. Why my relationships always fail. Why I get fired from all my jobs.  Why I can never finish anything.  Why people avoid me.  Why I’m always so angry and depressed.  But I can see why now, kind of.  It’s horrifying.  I never thought I was evil but my readings on these boards have made me realize how badly I treated my friends and my family, and my coworkers, and so many other people.  I hate the idea I treated people like that.  It’s like looking at myself in the mirror for the first time and seeing how ugly I really am.   How was I so deluded?  I am very depressed over this.   I need to get rid of this.  I don’t want to be this way anymore…

I don’t know how many narcissists read the victim blogs, but probably quite a few.  Most narcissists–especially malignant ones–are probably secretly pleased that they have so much power and control over their victims, and that might be why you don’t see many of them fighting against the stigma, the way BPDs do.   Malignant narcs LIKE the stigma because it makes them seem big and bad and dangerous, which is how they want to be seen.

But for narcissists who had no self-awareness before, perhaps reading these blogs is a sort of wake up call, like a mirror being shoved in their face.   Of course, some like what they see and it’s a kind of validation, but a few do not.   The ones who are shocked and dismayed by the image being reflected back at them might even, like the person I quoted above, begin to take steps necessary to change their behaviors.

13 thoughts on “Are narc abuse blogs a wake up call for some NPDs?”

  1. So they read our blogs? Thanks for telling us that. It’s like we ‘re not only helping each other but maybe some of them as well like the guy you quoted above. How enlightening. My blog is so new I’m going to have to be careful that I don’t become too angry because then the blog loses its objectivity.

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    • I know for sure that “my narcs” read mine. 😛 They’ve shown no signs of repentance, however–just the opposite. It would be nice to know some narcissists don’t *want* to be that way.

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      • I know my family reads my blog. I’ve gotten sort of used to the idea of that, but since they never say anything, I can kind of pretend they don’t and just go about my business. It does inhibit me some though, which sucks.

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  2. Thank you for these thoughts and sharing the words of someone that experienced enough grace in their lives to see themselves. I think if we can own our faults it is miraculous, divine intervention. There is a time in a survivors life to be very angry, to scream out loud about the torture their narcissists subjected them too and then there is a time to move on. Sometimes we recycle back between through stages. Maybe surviving is similar to grief in stages we go through to heal

    I’ve known some narc abuse survivors so stuck in the rage that they become pepetrators themselves and really damage the people around them. One of the most truly damaging people I knew in a neighborhood I once lived in really considered herself a victim at all times and in all ways. She’d persecuted an elderly neighbor in various gossipy ways along with anyone vulnerable around her. When the neighbors son called her to account of her cruelty, while arguing with her to leave his mother alone, at age 50, he had a heart attack and died. That elderly widow had one son and her narcissistic abuser contributed to his death. It was tragic

    And yet as the bodies emotionally piled up around her both literally and figuratively, she still considered herself a victim and to my knowledge never gained insight that she was no longer victim but victim creator. I think this is one reason to examine our own consciences regularly and be accountable if we find ourselves buried in anger. We may be burying others in our anger too

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    • Yes, I think when we hold onto rage, we run the risk of becoming narcissistic, if not outright narcissists (of the covert, victim type). Their “us vs. them” mentality keeps them from being able to see their own narcissism because to do so would mean they have to face that they’re one of “them.” It’s a form of splitting, or black and white thinking, and it’s very common in Borderlines too. I’ve seen it happen so many times in this community. It’s a crying shame.

      Yes, I think God sometimes does step in and save narcs from themselves. For some reason I seem to get them coming to me, as if I can help. Someone recently called me the “narc whisperer” LOL! I don’t know about that, but sometimes God has a use for these people but must remove the scales from their eyes first. I always think of apostle Paul and his miraculous conversion–the guy started out as a sociopathic malignant narcissist, but he changed and became one of Jesus’ most fervent followers and spread the good news to the world. I still think he acted a bit arrogant so he might still have had a touch of narcissism, but for the most part his heart changed and he attained the humility to allow God to use him.

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  3. Maybe that’s how narcs got that way in the first place, they were abused so they’re always fighting back. I learned that here in this very blog, that they were in fact abused. Scapegoats tend to do a lot of retreating though instead. I think that’s the difference.

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      • Yes it’s like they are so much on the defensive and they anticipate abuse and then beat the person to the punch. If they could only wait, the other person probably would have done nothing harmful to them. I’m really getting this now. Getting inside the narcs heads.

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        • Getting inside the narc’s heads, trying to understand them, is making an enormous difference in my life. By that I mean by proxy though–keep yourself far away from them but learn by reading as much as you can. Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. You should never forget. But you have to move on emotionally or you remain stuck.

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          • Yes. I think what will help me to get unstuck is once my life changes for the better. I’m still in the midst of cleaning things up. Once I’m having a good time again, the past won’t matter as much.

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            • Be patient with yourself. You might need to hold onto your anger a bit longer. It’s a survival emotion and we all need it to break free. Without it we would have stayed in abusive relationships. Just keep it in the back of your mind that the anger has a use but won’t be there forever.

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