I found out something today that isn’t a given, but gives me a lot of hope. It’s a joyful thing if it’s true. It’s something I want so much to happen.

So why does this information make my heart hurt and make me feel like crying?

Is it because I want so badly for it to be true (and it may not be and I might be disappointed), or is it because I’m not used to my heart being so open and my deepest emotions being as accessible to me as they are becoming?

I guess the closest I can come to describing this emotion is feeling deeply touched and hopeful at the same time. I wonder if this weird sadness is unique to me or if others have experienced what I’m talking about. It’s very hard to explain. I don’t know if I’m explaining it well because there really aren’t any words to describe it.

Borderlines, like people with NPD, can’t always access their true emotions easily (even though we don’t wear masks and it’s much easier for us to admit we need help and actually be helped). These wonderful but weirdly sad feelings have been happening a lot lately. Like something bad is melting away. Sometimes it’s a bit scary but I wouldn’t trade it for the emotional zombie I used to be in a million years.

I think what’s happened is I’ve let go of my fear and that’s changing me inside.