I found out something today that isn’t a given, but gives me a lot of hope. It’s a joyful thing if it’s true. It’s something I want so much to happen.
So why does this information make my heart hurt and make me feel like crying?
Is it because I want so badly for it to be true (and it may not be and I might be disappointed), or is it because I’m not used to my heart being so open and my deepest emotions being as accessible to me as they are becoming?
I guess the closest I can come to describing this emotion is feeling deeply touched and hopeful at the same time. I wonder if this weird sadness is unique to me or if others have experienced what I’m talking about. It’s very hard to explain. I don’t know if I’m explaining it well because there really aren’t any words to describe it.
Borderlines, like people with NPD, can’t always access their true emotions easily (even though we don’t wear masks and it’s much easier for us to admit we need help and actually be helped). These wonderful but weirdly sad feelings have been happening a lot lately. Like something bad is melting away. Sometimes it’s a bit scary but I wouldn’t trade it for the emotional zombie I used to be in a million years.
I think what’s happened is I’ve let go of my fear and that’s changing me inside.
Lucky Otters Haven 
I sometimes think that feeling of DEEP sadness, not just the everyday sadness is a based on memories, emotions previously unfelt for whatever reason and just starting to come to the surface. It can feel like grieving in a way, but grieving over what? Loss of self? Of a loved one? Of childhood? It could be many things. Sometimes when such a feeling comes over me, and it does sometimes like a frikken Tsunami out of nowhere, I just focus ON it, the feeling and let my mind wonder and where it goes sometimes gives us a clue as to what is causing the almost overwhelming sadness. I think more people feel that then will admit.
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That makes sense, Rose. I think a lot of pain is coming to the surface.
It’s all so confusing.
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Yes it will be confusing because it probably isn’t from something recent. BUT you know what they say, the only way past the pain is through it.
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Sometimes we even grieve over bad things falling away. So that weirdly sad and hopeful feeling can actually be a sign of healing.
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I hadn’t thought of that, but that’s an interesting theory and makes a lot of sense.
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If you are NC it can bring emotions and feelings to the surface. I hope you feel better soon. I think with what you have gone through, you are processing the sad and depressed feelings related to everything. I wake up some days just feeling the hurt and emotional pain, that is hard to describe, some of mine is disability related but a lot because of what happened to me.
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I think you’re right about this. These feelings aren’t really bad though. They are sort of mixed? IDK. It’s okay though.
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There is only so far you can submerge pain before it surfaces. Use it in your writing and to find out more about yourself. Pain can be healing.
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How very true.
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