Screenshots are all courtesy of The Wayback Machine (which you can spend hours browsing — it’s fascinating in its own right).
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June 27, 2015
Several changes now. I finally grew a brain and got rid of the appalling “Museum of Narcissism” and from here on out, the title would not change again (except for the removal of the apostrophe).
I also shifted the focus (seen in the subtitle) from “narcissistic abuse” to NPD and BPD in general, as I was beginning to grow tired of just being angry and was starting to want to learn more about these disorders (of course, narcissistic abuse has always been a staple of this blog and still is). “Aspie” still remained for the time being. I also had expanded the number of menu items in the subheader. By now, my follower count was 1,041.
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August 11, 2015
LOH was now nearly a year old. Some important new changes are evident. I think it’s beginning to resemble the current look more–I’d finally removed “Aspie” from the subheader, as I now had more clarity on what my real problems were (and it wasn’t Aspergers). Visually too, the look is an improvement, with a darker gray menu bar which made the menu items easier to read. I probably had a few too many menu items though. Later I had to consolidate them so some appear now as little dropdowns. 1,115 followers.
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October 11, 2015
Font changes in both the headings, title and text. The font I chose for the title and headings would not change again until last week. Still too many menu items so it looks a bit cluttered. 1,221 followers at this point.
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November 12, 2015
The second major facelift. This new look would stay (with only minor changes) until just one week ago. The wallpaper and header were both in a green “beehive” pattern, with the header photo-manipulated to be somewhat lighter in the middle so the simplified subhead “walking on the borderline” would stand out. Menu items now white on black. I think overall it’s a nice look, very professional, but I finally tired of it a week ago and LOH got its third major facelift.
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March 27, 2016
Not too many changes, other than FINALLY consolidating the menu items so it looks a lot less cluttered and easier to read. 1,591 followers.
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June 29, 2016
This is the way this blog looked just prior to the facelift I did last week. The only real change here is the subheader changed from “walking on the borderline” to “Confessions of a recovering borderline.” (this change was inspired by my therapist telling me he thought I no longer had BPD). There were two more screenshots taken in August, but nothing else had changed.
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Finally…
The new look is somewhat of a throwback to its original look. I think it looks friendlier and more welcoming than the “beehive” look.
I love Ferdinand Ladera’s moody painting, and wanted to use that again, but I wanted a simple black header this time, so this time I used the painting as the wallpaper instead. I wasn’t sure how that would turn out, but I love the look, and I like the way the dark trees appear on the right hand side. I also changed the header fonts and think they’re easier to read, and removed the apostrophe from “Otters”, mainly to simplify the look of the title. It’s not really ungrammatical, because I’m not the only otter swimming up from the murky waters of an abusive past.
Yes, this blog has officially entered its Terrible Twos!
In celebration of this milestone, I’m going to be showing you how it’s evolved since it’s inception (well, actually, 4 months after its inception), thanks to The Wayback Machine, which crawls the web periodically and takes screenshots of websites so they’re forever caught in time.
While I’ve stuck with the free Twenty-Ten theme the whole time, I’ve changed its look rather drastically several times (thanks to Custom Design, which I recommend because it gives you more options than the free plan). I definitely think this blog looks a LOT more professional than it did when it was new. But I was learning as I went along.
This is Part One of two. I’ll post Part Two immediately after this. Both should be up later tonight.
Screenshots from The Wayback Machine:
January 18, 2015
This was the first time LOH was “crawled” and photographed. At the time, I still believed I had Aspergers (self diagnosed), which explains the subheader. Early posts of mine were a lot more angry and “narc-hating,” since I had only been No Contact for a short time. I had far less awareness into myself than I do now. Spiritually, I was also still an agnostic. Reading back over some of these early posts is a little embarrassing because I’ve changed so much, but is also fascinating for the same reason. But it was blogging that got the ball rolling on all the awesome changes I’m undergoing. It was probably the best decision I ever made.
If you’re interested in reading these earlier posts, they can be accessed through the Archives drop-down menu in the sidebar. Just pick the month and year you want to see.
You can’t see the whole sidebar, but when this screenshot was taken, this blog had just 437 followers. That’s still quite a few, considering it was only 4 months old!
In case it’s not obvious, the painting in the subhead is the same one I’m now using as the wallpaper.
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February 21, 2015
Not many changes. 563 followers now.
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March 18, 2015
LOH’s first “facelift”: I rather like the cute otter wallpaper I chose and the gray color scheme is easier on the eyes (as is the title font), and the subhead is in a more eye-catching font too. But I have no earthly idea what I was thinking when I chose to take out “Haven” in favor of the atrocious “Museum of Narcissism.” LOL! It makes me laugh now, but I guess I still thought of narcs as some kind of zoo creatures to be gawked at (which they certainly can be!) I’m also not sure why I decided to put “The” in front of the title. Whatever! There were 679 followers by now.
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April 23, 2015
Not too many new changes, but by now I’d added the “Borderline” into the subhead title. Due to the stigma, I’d been kind of in the closet about it at first, but had “come out” by now. I still believed I had Aspergers though. I also notice I’d removed the idiotic “The” from the title. 776 followers.
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I didn’t want too many graphics in the same post, because it slows down load time, which is why it’s in two parts.
I’ve begun to experience some powerful feelings for someone right now. It’s hard to describe, since I haven’t met this person and most likely never will (which is perfectly okay). The feeling is a bizarre mix of low-level limerence (but that’s not quite it), empathy, and friendship (affection), but really, none of these really describe it. The closest way I guess I can describe the feeling is the transference feelings one sometimes develops toward a therapist (and I do have those too).
Idealization of a person is something that comes naturally to me as a borderline. I know it’s idealization because I don’t know them very well and haven’t seen their flaws. I’m a person who prefers to live out romantic fantasy in private, because the reality of an actual relationship never lives up to the perfect fantasy I’ve constructed in my mind (even though part of me longs for a real connection with someone in the physical world). This individual seems to be a kind of a mirror to me right now, similar to the way my therapist also is mirroring me. But in no way is this individual in a therapist role. I consider myself friends with this individual, but I have to be very, very careful because I can tell they need a lot of space–and I don’t want them to know how strongly I feel. It’s a delicate push-pull balance–a kind of dance, almost: to maintain a balance between my desire to get closer and possibly overstep boundaries (and get hurt), and not giving enough or even pre-emptive rejection of someone I like due to my own deep fear of rejection.
I’ve talked about this with my therapist and he thinks this is good practice for me and is a sign I’m beginning to connect in more meaningful ways and learning to be mindful about it at the same time. But it sure isn’t second nature yet. In the past I always either became obsessed and overwhelmed people by trying to get too close too soon, or avoided them (in spite of my strong feelings) to not have to experience possible rejection. There was never any in between.
Taylor Swift is a guilty pleasure of mine (I think she’s a suberb songwriter and knows how to craft incredibly catchy songs) but I didn’t care too much for her version of “Bad Blood” from her hit “1989” album.
Sometimes covers are better than the originals. Indie singer-songwriter Ryan Adams (not to be confused with BRYAN Adams) did this gorgeous cover of Swift’s song, which gets played a lot on our local indie station. I like his low-keyed pop-rock arrangement of it, which sounds quite different from Swift’s upbeat dance-pop original.
Swift’s original:
Which version does everyone prefer? Let me know in the comments.
My MN ex may have cancer. He’s been coughing up blood a lot and has been a heavy smoker for years, and also smokes a lot of weed too. He’s also been losing a lot of weight. He tells my daughter he doesn’t think he has much time left.
He’s covered by Medicare (SSDI), but he’s terrified to go see a doctor. I don’t blame him actually. I’d be terrified too.
He told my daughter if he has cancer, he just wants to let nature take its course and doesn’t want treatment. He’s a very high spectrum malignant narcissist, but he hates himself and his life. What he lives is not a life, it’s an existence. He’s just marking time until death, and he’s not even that old (he’s 55, but looks 70).
Although I can’t stand him anymore and refuse to have further contact with him, this development makes me feel very sad. It makes me sad that he allowed his own narcissism to destroy him (as well as almost destroy the people who loved him, including our children). It makes me sad that he’s isolated himself from his family by driving the people who loved him away, one by one–and will probably die all alone with no one to really care. His parents are both dead and he has no other close relatives.
It makes me sad that he, like my mother, will most likely die without ever being free of his narcissistic prison. I am praying for him because although I don’t like him, I know he’s living in a self imposed hell of his own making and his life is without any joy or lightness or love or hope. He’s the most negative person I’ve ever met.
I would love to see him at least become self aware enough to make amends to both his children, and realize that what’s happened to him is his own doing, not the fault of those who were close to him. Not because I want to see him suffer the pain of self-discovery (I’m not a spiteful person seeking revenge), but because I feel like that could possibly redeem him in God’s eyes, even if it’s at the 11th hour.
No, he doesn’t have enough time to be cured of NPD (or ASPD, or whatever he actually has), because that can take years that I don’t think he has, but at least some kind of redemption may be possible and he can have a moment to reconcile with his family before he finally shucks off this mortal coil.
I would also love to see him accept the love of Christ and allow himself to be comforted in His arms during his last moments. He needs that so badly. I’ve felt the love of Christ very keenly lately, and when I feel overwhelmed or discouraged or depressed, I ask Him to take me in his arms, and I can feel that he really does and that brings me great comfort. I felt his presence strongly during my spiritual awakening (of sorts) in the Gulf of Mexico a couple of weeks ago. I feel it whenever I fall onto my bed and weep after therapy, and he just rocks me and holds me like the parent I always wanted and tells me everything will be alright. He was always there but I refused to see.
My daughter does still speak to her father sometimes, but after stealing all her money last month, there’s definitely a rift between them now, and she’s starting to realize what sort of person he really is and that he’s utterly incapable of loving anyone. He told her he wants her to have a baby before he dies so he can have a grandchild for a short time, but she’s smart enough to not do that until she’s actually married (she’s with a very good man now who I think might be “the one”–and there are no red flags that I can see).
Maybe this man, being so physically ill (even though there’s no proof it’s cancer it probably is), will begin to look at himself in a different light and begin to develop some self-awareness. I’m praying, and I know God listens. So I’m not without hope that at least that could happen.
Inspired by Katie’s latest post on her blog, Dreams of a Better World: From Victim to Victor.
Jason a/k/a Opinionated Man, has moved back to WordPress.com! I’m curious about the reason for the change, since he was so excited when he decided to self-host, but I guess the HarsH ReaLiTies (sorry, could not resist) of self-hosting must have gotten to him after awhile. I know I wouldn’t want to try it.
I’m secretly glad he’s moving back, because somehow, when he was self hosted, he seemed somehow farther away and less accessible to all of us newbies, scaredy-cats, and technophobes still on WP.com.
Welcome back, Jason!
My daughter and her boyfriend drove to the top of Clingman’s Dome (6,644 feet) last night and took this photo of the sunset. At the time this was taken, it was already dark at lower elevations. They were so high up the sun was still visible on the horizon.
Lucky Otters Haven 