My ex might be dying.

redemption

My MN ex may have cancer.   He’s been coughing up blood a lot and has been a heavy smoker for years, and also smokes a lot of weed too.  He’s also been losing a lot of weight.  He tells my daughter he doesn’t think he has much time left.

He’s covered by Medicare (SSDI), but he’s terrified to go see a doctor.    I don’t blame him actually.  I’d be terrified too.

He told my daughter if he has cancer, he just wants to let nature take its course and doesn’t want treatment.  He’s a very high spectrum malignant narcissist, but he hates himself and his life.  What he lives is not a life, it’s an existence.   He’s just marking time until death, and he’s not even that old (he’s 55, but looks 70).

Although I can’t stand him anymore and refuse to have further contact with him, this development makes me feel very sad.   It makes me sad that he allowed his own narcissism to destroy him (as well as almost destroy the people who loved him, including our children).  It makes me sad that he’s isolated himself from his family by driving the people who loved him away, one by one–and will probably die all alone with no one to really care.  His parents are both dead and he has no other close relatives.

It makes me sad that he, like my mother, will most likely die without ever being free of his narcissistic prison.    I am praying for him because although I don’t like him, I know he’s living in a self imposed hell of his own making and his life is without any joy or lightness or love or hope.  He’s the most negative person I’ve ever met.

I would love to see him at least become self aware enough to make amends to both his children, and realize that what’s happened to him is his own doing, not the fault of those who were close to him.    Not because I want to see him suffer the pain of self-discovery (I’m not a spiteful person seeking revenge), but because I feel like that could possibly redeem him in God’s eyes, even if it’s at the 11th hour.

No, he doesn’t have enough time to be cured of NPD (or ASPD, or whatever he actually has), because that can take years that I don’t think he has, but at least some kind of redemption may be possible and he can have a moment to reconcile with his family before he finally shucks off this mortal coil.

I would also love to see him accept the love of Christ and allow himself to be comforted in His arms during his last moments.   He needs that so badly.  I’ve felt the love of Christ very keenly lately, and when I feel overwhelmed or discouraged or depressed, I ask Him to take me in his arms, and I can feel that he really does and that brings me great comfort.   I felt his presence strongly during my spiritual awakening (of sorts) in the Gulf of Mexico a couple of weeks ago.   I feel it whenever I fall onto my bed and weep after therapy, and he just rocks me and holds me like the parent I always wanted and tells me everything will be alright.  He was always there but I refused to see.

My daughter does still speak to her father sometimes, but after stealing all her money last month, there’s definitely a rift between them now, and she’s starting to realize what sort of person he really is and that he’s utterly incapable of loving anyone.   He told her he wants her to have a baby before he dies so he can have a grandchild for a short time, but she’s smart enough to not do that until she’s actually married (she’s with a very good man now who I think might be “the one”–and there are no red flags that I can see).

Maybe this man, being so physically ill (even though there’s no proof it’s cancer it probably is), will begin to look at himself in a different light and begin to develop some self-awareness.  I’m praying, and I know God listens.  So I’m not without hope that at least that could happen.

Advertisements

About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to My ex might be dying.

  1. shandraeats says:

    Will be praying for you 🙏🏿

    Liked by 1 person

  2. rubycommenting says:

    I don’t even know him, and he doesn’t sound like the nicest person, but if he is seriously ill, I really do hope he can realize a few things and seek out and connect with the Lord. I feel bad for the man, because, I believe he doesn’t understand himself why he is in the predicament that he is.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I don’t think he understands it either. He has zero self awareness. I’m praying that the scales may fall from his eyes before it’s too late. Maybe with lots of prayers, that can happen.

      Liked by 1 person

      • katiesdream2004 says:

        I’m going to pray this one with you, that the scales will fall off His eyes. Any repentance by any of us is a miracle. He knows exactly what it takes to cause us to fall on the rock. What a work of grace that you are moved to pray and to feel sad

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Evan711 says:

    Ouch…. A terrible predicament for all of you… Thoughts and prayers for you and your family to get through this agonizing time….

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Thanks…this doesn’t surprise me really. Being so negative and filled with hate and misery for so many years can make a person very physically ill…it’s sad but not unexpected. But it’s hard too because my dad died just about three months ago and we never got to have any last moments together or a reconcilation. I hope my dad is at peace now. I hope my ex can be at peace finally, too (if in fact he is dying)

      Like

  4. MK Ventura says:

    I don’t mean to be a downer and I am sorry for your sadness. I had the same feelings when my ex NPD husband had cancer, but even in death and cancer he never changed. He went to the grave on his death bed with hate and anger in his heart..that is very sad but don’t count on an awakening from him, although, miracles can happen…but I have a son to and he did alot of screw ball things with the will that only a NPD could go to their grave with. Anyway, hope for the best. The bible somewhere talks about a verse about “when you try to heep burning coals on others heads, usually your heeping the burning coals on your own head.” Something like that……sometimes the NPD can eat away at your insides because deep down the torment is that they know what they do and the anger and misery eats away at your bones..

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Yes, I think somewhere deep down where he’s not conscious of it he knows…and has been destroying himself for years with smoking…bad eating…a sedentary lifestyle. This is a man who hates himself so much he seeks to destroy himself. I can’t imagine how he might really be suffering. I wouldn’t want to live in his particular hell. I was almost there myself, and was in my own kind of hell…as a victim….but I’ve been freeing myself from its chains and there’s so much I’m seeing now, so much beauty and joy and light…and as a person with empathy I can only hope for his sake he gets to experience that too. I don’t have a lot of hope though, but God can and does perform miracles sometimes.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. adamjasonp says:

    If the symptoms are true, it is still unfortunate. This man has held firmly to a great lie and, as result, kept himself in his own hell. While some would say “he deserved it,” it’s not really up to any one soul but God to judge. We can only judge for our own well being, becoming wary of the actions of another.

    These days I stress in my own mind the health of an individual. I never want to see anyone suffer. It is in my sense of compassion to see that actual help, when it works, works, and everyone is better off when an individual is truly better. Your ex is in an extremely bitter battle, though… he is probably lost forever, and that is truly sad.

    I shall pray too (or try) in the hope of some kind of window of clarity on his part so his final days are not in vain. Not likely, but I can still ask.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’ve seen the ravages of cancer, and what it does to you in the final moments. You need someone there to take care of you, because you can’t do it yourself. Yet he’s gone and pushed everyone away. My dad’s final days were full of visits from friends and somebody constantly in the room with him. Even as he slipped away, at least he knew we were there. Being alone sounds horrible. A person can say your ex deserved it, but I prefer compassion and prayer.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. cyranny says:

    I’ll make this short… Other people already answered to your post with much more wisdom than I personnally could come up with. But I just wanted to point out how incredibly sad I felt that he would ask his daughter to have a child for him to be a grand-pa before dying. I have been reading your posts for some time now, and had painted a (blurry) picture of the man for myself, but never would I have thought a parent could ask that from one of their kids… It is sad, sad, sad…

    Hard times to go through for your children, yourself and him.

    I hope you’ll keep us posted, and that writing will help you vent out some of the pain…

    Best thoughts… xx

    (And I said “I’ll make this short”… *sigh*)

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I thought that request was very sad too. What makes it even sadder is he really doesn’t like babies. But I guess some part of him wants that feeling of family connection before he passes on (if in fact he is terminal). She’s smart to wait and not have a child too early just to please her dad.

      Liked by 1 person

      • cyranny says:

        A smart girl indeed, and I can’t imagine how it must feel to be asked that… My mom only teased me about getting a grand-child. She is incredibly healthy, and I felt bad that I possibly would never make her dream come true… I can’t imagine how I would have felt if she had “requested” it, on her deathbed…

        As we would say here, in Crazy French-Canadian-land… Bon courage!

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          I actually almost cried when she told me this. It really is heartbreaking, isn’t it.

          Liked by 1 person

          • cyranny says:

            You’d see that in a movie, and people in the audience would be like “Pfff yeah right!!” in disbeleif!

            Sometimes life is beyond fiction!

            Liked by 1 person

            • luckyotter says:

              LOL! That’s true — he really is like a character in a terrible movie! Hell, our dysfunctional family life was like a terrible movie. No one believes the things I say happened (except people who have been through something similiar )

              Liked by 1 person

            • cyranny says:

              I can’t possibly imagine exactly how life must be for all of you, but thank you for writing so openly about it…

              Some Blogs like mine are merely entertainement, but I love to (try to) understand people who are in such different situations… And I am sure your Blog will (and probably already has) help people dealing with similar struggles…

              Liked by 1 person

            • luckyotter says:

              I’ve seen your blog, and I think it’s cool. It’s definitely not the same kind of blog though. Sometimes it is hard for me to make myself so vulnerable on a public blog, but I’m getting used to it and have never regretted doing so. Blogging has helped me immensely and I always love it when people tell me it helped them too.

              Liked by 1 person

            • cyranny says:

              Aww thanks 🙂

              Blogging can indeed be quite a therapy! And I never thought I’d build bonds and interact as much with other Bloggers… It really is an interesting community!

              I’m glad I hit the “subscribe” button last November lol

              Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.