Narcissists are so %$&# annoying.

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I can’t deny it anymore. My roommate, a woman I found on Craigslist back in September to share my house with me and help pay the bills, is another G.D. narcissist. She is one of he most annoying people I’ve ever known, outside my ex who was probably a little more so.

At first she seemed very nice. She gave a good impression. She has some health issues, including near-deafness, so she receives disability. She has one cat who gets along well with mine. She seemed almost too helpful and accommodating in the beginning. She actually wanted to pay me more than the rent I was asking, and kept offering to buy me things or do me favors I didn’t need or want.

She’s still paying her rent on time and hasn’t done anything really horrible, like set fires to the curtains or steal my things, so for now I’m allowing her to stay, until I figure out what else I can do to earn enough money to not have to share my home (which I would prefer), or find another roommate (who could be worse than she is, especially if I find them on Craiglist).

But she’s become almost intolerable to live with. Her personality repels me. I’m at the point where I just want to leave the room if she’s in it. Her voice and even looking at her annoys me.

That is precisely the way I felt about my ex husband before I kicked him out a year ago. I couldn’t stand the sight of him and his voice and everything he did was like nails on a chalkboard. Even the sound of his breathing bothered me. And listening to him eat made me want to puke.

I hated him and everything he did so much there were times I could completely understand how someone could be driven to kill. I never entertained that thought of course, but I could understand why some people could. I also realized I no longer even cared what happened to him. In fact, I kind of wanted him to die, if truth be told. I feel like I’m a horrible person for ever feeling that way, but it’s the truth.

It’s a bad sign when you’re having these kinds of ugly thoughts and feelings about someone you’re living with. The thing about narcs is they turn you just as mean as they are eventually. During the last months I lived with my ex, I was downright nasty to him. It wasn’t right, but it felt like some sort of justice before I worked up the courage to make him leave.

My roommate has gradually shed the “nice” act–that was just the love bombing phase. I knew there was something a little fishy about her over the top displays of affection and insistence on doing things for me I didn’t need or want. I should have paid attention to those red flags.

After awhile, she started guilt tripping me if I didn’t profusely thank her for these unasked-for favors. For instance she liked to clean the house, which I appreciated, since she doesn’t work and really doesn’t do anything all day. I’m too tired when I get home to clean anything and just want to write. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her not to do it (and she probably would have been insulted if I had).

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She’s very needy and entitled. She accused me of not being appreciative enough: “I spent all day cleaning the house FOR YOU (emphasis mine) even with my bad back. I didn’t have to do this FOR YOU, all I want is a little gratitude.” I’d already THANKED HER about ten times, for the love of God. Every time she does me a favor, no matter how small, or buys me something (which I don’t ask for), she gets all angry and butthurt if I don’t act like she’s Jesus Christ Incarnate for doing it. She keeps repeating herself over and over, announcing all the wonderful and kind things she does, to make sure you notice how perfect and wonderful she is.

Lately she’s been attempting to triangulate and gaslight using my daughter. But my daughter tells me everything, has read this blog (and knows a lot about narcissists now) and she told me what my roommate has been saying to her. The games aren’t working, and my roommmate’s getting mad. My daughter even told me she thought we were dealing with a narcissist. I was proud of her for that.

Two weeks ago my roommate’s car broke down. A couple weeks before that, she had allowed me to drive her car for two days while my transmission was being rebuilt. That was because she was too tired and sick to drive me to work (I never asked to borrow her car, although I preferred that to having to ride with her). Now she’s acting pissy and hateful because I won’t drive her all over town, even at night (I don’t see well on the road at night). A few days ago, she actually had the gall to suggest I call in late to work so I could take her to the doctor. I refused to do it. I don’t let narcs push me around anymore. I told her about the bus lines, but of course she made excuses why she couldn’t take a bus.

She is getting more hateful, telling my daughter how selfish I am. It’s almost funny, how obvious it is that she’s projecting her own narcissism on to me. It really creeps me out that my ex behaved THIS EXACT SAME WAY and said THE VERY SAME THING. She’s gaslighting me and attempting to use my daughter as a flying monkey. It’s really incredible. It’s like they all read from the same script. They probably do.

She whines nonstop about how generous and kind she was to me when she let me drive her car for two days (when she herself didn’t want to drive me), implying that I never do anything for HER.

She’s extremely nosy and butts into conversations I am having with my daughter or other people, as well as asking me constantly what I’m doing online. Like it’s any of her business. She needs constant attention and validation.

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If I buy takeout for myself and my daughter, my narc roommate gets upset that we didn’t get anything for HER. She’s 52 years old, but she acts like she’s 3. She also whines constantly that no one likes her here, and we aren’t nice to her, which is a total lie. But it’s becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I no longer like this woman, and neither does my daughter.

Last night we finally got into it. She said I wasn’t a nice person. I reminded her that I have only been as nice to her as she’s been to me, and furthermore that she ought to not act so entitled because I was giving her a really good deal with the very cheap rent I am charging. I challenged her to try and find something as cheap as the room I rent to her somewhere else. Asheville and Buncombe County in general is expensive. I guarantee she won’t be able to find as sweet a deal.

She started crying because she thought I was kicking her out. Complete with rubbing her eyes with her fists like a three year old who dropped her lollipop. I tried to be nice and not roll my eyes or sigh in frustration. (It’s getting harder to be nice.) I assured her I was not kicking her out but just letting her know how I felt–how entitled I think she acts, and that her gaslighting, triangulating, projecting, whining, wheedling self pity, negativity, nosiness, and absolute absence of any respect for anyone’s boundaries was annoying and crazymaking.

She makes fun of things I like. She puts down my interests (she has never seen this blog, as far as I know and probably wouldn’t read it, even as nosy as she is). I told her one time I was going out to buy orange juice and for some odd reason she found this extremely funny, and to this day keeps making jokes about my “obsession” with orange juice. It’s not funny. It’s damned annoying. I can’t explain it, but it’s that nails on a chalkboard thing, like the way I felt about my ex’s breathing and eating sounds.

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I know this can’t turn out good. I know at some point I will have to ask her to leave, but right now I really need the money and don’t feel like taking out another damn ad in the paper. I’ve had worse roommates than her in the past–at least she pays her rent on time and doesn’t do hard drugs (as far as I know).

I know it must be difficult for her to be disabled and have a car that isn’t running (she can’t afford to have it fixed) and be pretty much housebound. That would drive me crazy too. So I can understand a little grumpiness or depression.

But what I’m seeing isn’t just a bored and stir crazy person taking out their frustrations and anger on me. What I’m seeing is pure, unadulterated, 100% genuine, 200 proof NARC.

This post is intended to open a discussion about narcissists and narcissistic roommates, etc. I don’t want or need advice to get rid of her. I already know that. I’m willing to wait things out for awhile because the extra income is worth it–for the moment.

If I ever feel like she’s starting to have a negative effect on my growth or my healing, then she’s out. If she starts finding reasons not to pay her rent, she’s out. For now, she’s just incredibly annoying. Narcs can irritate the living shit out of you.
But I can live with that, at least for now.

Why do they always find me? They’re only 1% of the population, but it seems like they’re everywhere.

Are you being “gaslighted”?

I found an interesting article on A Healthy Place about the emotional abuse practice of gaslighting. I never knew the various types of gaslighting actually had names!

Here’s everything you need to know about this sinister manipulation tactic used by narcissistic abusers, and how to tell if you’re a victim.

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Gaslighting Definition, Techniques and Being Gaslighted
Written by Natasha Tracy

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates situations repeatedly to trick the victim into distrusting his or her own memory and perceptions. Gaslighting is an insidious form of abuse. It makes victims question the very instincts that they have counted on their whole lives, making them unsure of anything. Gaslighting makes it very likely that victims will believe whatever their abusers tell them regardless as to their own experience of the situation. Gaslighting often precedes other types of emotional and physical abuse because the victim of gaslighting is more likely to remain in other abusive situations as well.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 British play “Gas Light” wherein a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy using a variety of tricks causing her to question her own perceptions and sanity. Gas Light was made into a movie both in 1940 and 1944.

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Gaslighting Techniques and Examples
Gaslighting is emotional abuse that aims to make victims doubt their own perceptions and memories. Find out if you are being gaslighted in your relationship.There are numerous gaslighting techniques which can make gaslighting more difficult to identify. Gaslighting techniques are used to hide truths that the abuser doesn’t want the victim to realize. Gaslighting abuse can be perpetrated by either women or men.

“Withholding” is one gaslighting technique where the abuser feigns a lack of understanding, refuses to listen and declines sharing his emotions. Gaslighting examples of this would be:

“I’m not listening to that crap again tonight.”
“You’re just trying to confuse me.”

Another gaslighting technique is “countering,” where an abuser will vehemently call into question a victim’s memory in spite of the victim having remembered things correctly.

“Think about when you didn’t remember things correctly last time.”
“You thought that last time and you were wrong.”
These techniques throw the victim off the intended subject matter and make them question their own motivations and perceptions rather than the issue at hand.

It is then that the abuser will start to question the experiences, thoughts and opinions more globally through statements said in anger like:

“You see everything in the most negative way.”
“Well you obviously never believed in me then.”
“You have an overactive imagination.”

“Blocking” and “diverting” are gaslighting techniques whereby the abuser again changes the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim’s thoughts and controlling the conversation. Gaslighting examples of this include:

“I’m not going through that again.”
“Where did you get a crazy idea like that?”
“Quit bitching.”
“You’re hurting me on purpose.”

“Trivializing” is another way of gaslighting. It involves making the victim believe his or her thoughts or needs aren’t important, such as:

“You’re going to let something like that come between us?”

Abusive “forgetting” and “denial” can also be forms of gaslighting. In this technique, the abuser pretends to forget things that have really occurred; the abuser may also deny things like promises that have been made that are important to the victim. An abuser might say,

“What are you talking about?”
“I don’t have to take this.”
“You’re making that up.”

Some gaslighters will then mock the victim for their “wrongdoings” and “misperceptions.”

Gaslighting Psychology
The gaslighting techniques are used in conjunction to try to make the victim doubt their own thoughts, memories and actions. Soon the victim is scared to bring up any topic at all for fear they are “wrong” about it or don’t remember the situation correctly.

The worst gaslighters will even create situations that allow for the usage of gaslighting techniques. An example of this is taking the victim’s keys from the place where they are always left, making the victim think she has misplaced them. Then “helping” the victim with her “bad memory” find the keys.

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Are You a Victim of Gaslighting Emotional Abuse?
According to author and psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D., the signs of being a victim of gaslighting emotional abuse include:

You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
You feel hopeless and joyless.
You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
You wonder if you are a “good enough” girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.

I must be strong.

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Here’s the latest development in this tragic saga.
Now it seems my daughter is using her MN father to attempt to triangulate against me and gaslight me. She has told him lies about both me and Paul, and now they are both trying to convince me I am an unloving, unsympathetic mother just because I won’t take back my unemployable, narcissistic, pathologically lying, drug addicted drama queen of a daughter. He also told me Paul told him I was a bitch and hated me (I know for a fact this is a lie).

I told that lying MN mooching scumbag I was only going by what I observed while in their home, and that our daughter is in serious need of long term psychiatric care and drug rehab, and there is nothing more I can do to help her. I have seen this pattern in her time and again, and I will not under any circumstances have this unstable young woman with no job or any prospects run off my roommate, who has been nothing but reliable, pays her rent on time, and keeps the house clean. I told the psychopath his daughter has nothing but contempt for any rules or advice I would give her anyway and her staying with me would not help her and only cause a world of trouble for me.

He taught her his games well. She is doing exactly what he always did, and now using HIM as a flying monkey, rather than the other way around. Fine, they can both hate my guts. I must stay strong. This blog is keeping me strong. I won’t back down, no matter what, even if it means I need to get a restraining order against her too.

By the way, she sold the $60.00 bag I bought her in exchange for money to buy drugs. I will never buy her another gift. She appreciates nothing. She has respect for no one’s possessions. She stole Paul’s antique rosary beads to sell for drugs. Like all narcissists, she never learns from her mistakes. Ever.

I love my daughter, but I know enough about malignant narcissism now to know what the red flags are and the evil mind games they play. I’m not going to let them make a fool of me.
She always did love her dad best.

I refuse to be the Cowardly Lion anymore.
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