The ’90s holds a special place in my heart and of all the decades, I like the music of that decade the best–even though technically I was a little too old for it. ’90s music seems the most versatile to me. No one knew it yet, but it was the last decade where good rock music was still dominant, before it disintegrated into the commercial post-grunge of the early 2000s, and the eventual takeover of hip hop and finally, EDM.
Sometime during the late 1980s, new wave segued into early alternative (or what used to be called “college rock” before it became “alternative” in the 90s. ) No matter that I was no longer in college and was in fact married by then, I was always drawn to this type of music. REM is a fantastic band and of all the early alternative bands probably became the most famous and long lived. But there were others that seemed so underrated to me. Toad the Wet Sprocket (formed in 1986) made music that wasn’t offensive to anyone’s ears but was never over-produced or overcommercialized either. Their lyrics were always meaningful. “Something’s Always Wrong” wasn’t their biggest hit; in fact it never became much of a hit at all, although it did get some airplay in 1994. It’s my favorite song by this band. The harmonies are just gorgeous and I can’t get enough of the jangly guitars. I never get tired of it.
I know it’s Wednesday. It’s two days late because I forgot. I don’t have any other excuses. 😳
Here’s my son’s latest music video–“Glycerine” by Bush (he was only three when this song was released in 1994). I love this song and this is an interesting interpretation.
Due to the enormous popularity of my previous articles about this topic (both of which now appear at the top of page one of Google–thanks everyone for making these so popular!), I’m adding 12 more songs about narcissism. Music and narcissism go together well– that’s one good thing narcissism has going for it, I guess. 🙂
The Songs.
1. “The Backstabbers” — The O’Jays
It’s very difficult to find songs about narcissists/psychopaths prior to the 1980s, but here’s an excellent one from the early 1970s.
2. “Ain’t It Fun” — Paramore
Catchy pop offering a badass challenge to a narcissist’s gameplaying.
3. “You Don’t Own Me” — Lesley Gore
Here’s another oldie (from the early ’60s) about a young woman involved with a narcissistic man.
4. “Mr. Know It All” — Kelly Clarkson
A modern take on Lesley Gore’s lament.
5. “Shadowboxer” — Fiona Apple
Apple’s musical poetry eloquently describes the way narcissistic mind games make you feel. Thanks to Amanda for suggesting this.
6. “Trouble” — Taylor Swift
The intro is pretentious and badly written, but Taylor does seem to have a way of attracting abusive and narcissistic men, at least in her songs, and this one is catchy as anything else she’s done.
7. “Black Sun” — Death Cab for Cutie
Alternative rock song about divorcing a narcissist. Thanks to Sachi for suggesting this one.
8. “Words as Weapons” — Seether
A man’s view on trying to deal with a narcissistic woman.
I’m posting it again because it’s another song that’s been very inspirational to me in my journey and always reminds me to appreciate the moment, the day I am presently occupying.
Every day can be a great day!
I’m adding this to my page of songs that have inspired me or helped in my healing journey (which is found in the header).
This song, released by the brother-sister duo Galt Aureus on their album “Citadels” (2009) is hauntingly beautiful. I can’t believe they’re still unsigned by any label.
Enjoy!
Our Own Versailles Lyrics
If floods will come all our lives,
just climb the stairs, let the water rise,
we’ll build ourselves up to a towering height.
From the hollow of our hands,
all we’ve never had:
bright lights,
in our own Versailles,
everything becomes alive:
our own chateau tonight.
No starless nights for you and me,
we’ve always seen and dreamed then built what could be,
from the hollow of our hands,
fashion all we’ve never had.
bright lights,
in our own Versailles,
everything becomes alive:
our own chateau
bright lights,
in our own Versailles,
everything becomes alive:
our own chateau tonight.
We are lucky here in Asheville, NC to have a radio station 98.1 (The River), whose slogan is “Different is Good.” They play a mix of alternative, indie pop and rock songs from the 1980s to today, and they also showcase local artists and bands (Asheville is a HUGE music town with a ton of venues that play live music).
One song that gets a lot of airplay on The River is one of my favorite songs ever, by one of my favorite bands ever. It’s from 1994 and back in those days was categorized as “college rock” or just alternative. Bands like Toad the Wet Sprocket, They Might Be Giants, and Gin Blossoms were just too pop and their melodies and arrangements were a little too pretty to qualify as grunge, even though it was popular around the same time.
I don’t really know why I love this song so much, but I never grow tired of it.
As a music lover, I’ve noticed a lot of popular songs are about narcissism. Here are 4 more I’m adding today.
1. You’re So Vain/Carly Simon
This was a huge radio hit in 1972. Simon wrote this song about Warren Beatty.
You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner
They’d be your partner, and
You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?
You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and
You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and
You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?
Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not, you’re with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and
You’re so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You’re so vain
I’ll bet you think this song is about you
Don’t you? Don’t you?
2. Alanis Morrisette/Narcissus
This is the lyric video.
3. Til Tuesday/Voices Carry
This was a huge power pop hit in 1985.
In the dark, I like to read his mind
But I’m frightened of the things I might find
Oh, there must be something he’s thinking of
To tear him away
When I tell him that I’m falling in love
Why does he say
Hush hush keep it down now voices carry
Hush hush keep it down now voices carry
Uh-uh
I try so hard not to get upset
Because I know all the trouble I’ll get
Oh, he tells me tears are something to hide
And something to fear
And I try so hard to keep it inside
So no one can hear
Hush hush keep it down now voices carry
Hush hush keep it down now voices carry
Hush hush keep it down now voices carry
Uh-uh
He wants me
But only part of the time
He wants me
If he can keep me in line
Hush hush keep it down now voices carry
Hush hush keep it down now voices carry
Hush hush shut up now voices carry
Hush hush keep it down now voices carry
Oh hush hush, darling, she might overhear
Hush, hush – voices carry
He said shut up – he said shut up
Oh God can’t you keep it down
Voices carry
Hush hush voices carry
I wish he would let me talk.
Finally, here’s one from a man’s perspective, with a song about his abusive father (who was probably a narcissist) and how it’s still having repercussions on his life as an adult.
4. Everclear: Father of Mine
This is the lyric video.
Two other songs I posted about malignant narcissism can be found here and here.
Please feel free to add your own suggestions! I’ll keep posting songs from time to time, so stay tuned.
Even though I came of age in the late 1970s and am not a member of Gen-X (although I’m pretty close), I actually prefer the music of the 1980s and 1990s. The 1990s in particular had groundbreaking, exciting music that I still enjoy today. In the car on the radio today, I heard this song, which I had nearly forgotten. It has a positive message and great hook and everytime I hear it feels like the first time all over again. It’s hard to wrap my mind around the fact this song is 21 years old (the same age as my daughter). My son was not even two when this hit the airwaves. I was still so young really (early 30s). There’s nothing quite like nostalgia for a lost time–nostalgia is like dark chocolate: both bitter and sweet.
When I look back on the 1990s, they sort of remind me of the 1960s turned on their head. It’s hard to explain, but the ’90s have the same kind of psychedelic feel to them that the 1960s had but are much “darker” than the 1960s. The ’90s seem “dark” like the ’70s, but in a more psychedelic, surreal way with lots of indigos, deep reds and blacks rather than the browns, hunter greens and harvest gold of the 1970s. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but each decade to me has a color, pattern, or group of colors that I associate with it.
Bizarrely, the early 1990s today seem like a simpler, even more innocent time–a time when there was still no Internet (for the average person anyway), rock music was still getting airplay (and was still good), people had become cynical and distrustful of institutions but the economy was still chugging along, 9/11 hadn’t happened yet, Clinton was still president, MTV still played music videos, and people still primarily used landlines or pay phones to talk to their family and friends (big clunky primitive cell phones were only affordable to rich Yuppies who used them for business). There was no such thing as Smartphones, Facebook, Twitter, or social media. People still wrote letters, sometimes emails, and called their friends and loved ones rather than texted them. Kids still played outside (although there were plenty of video games to keep them entertained). Commercial radio today is vastly different than what could be heard in the 1990s. So much has changed since hen.
As an addendum, I want to mention an excellent BBC documentary, in which a middle class British family spends one month “living” through the years 1970 – 2000. Each day is a different year, and everything from the clothing to the food to the technology available at that time (in Great Britian, which was behind the United States in the 1970s) was painstakingly recreated for each year (day) and their house decorated appropriately for each decade. It’s also fascinating to watch how the family adapts to all these changes, and how hard the “primitive 1970s” were to the children of the family, who were all born in the 1990s:
Music is one my passions. Even during my deepest depressions, I remained responsive to music, even though I shut myself off to just about everything else. This is one of those times art ties right into the dark subject of malignant narcissism.
Today AnUpturnedSoul (another survivor farther along in her journey to wellness than me) posted some songs about narcissism in her blog. In the comments, another poster suggested the 1996 song “Building A Mystery” by Canadian singer Sarah McLachlan. This has always been one of my favorite songs. It’s hauntingly beautiful and I always felt on some level it applied to most of the men I’ve been involved with in my life.
This song used to make me cry and I couldn’t quite pinpoint why I had such a strong emotional reaction. It still haunts me to this day. Building a mystery is exactly what narcissists do.
“Building A Mystery”
you come out at night
that’s when the energy comes
and the dark side’s light
and the vampires roam
you strut your rasta wear
and your suicide poem
and a cross from a faith
that died before Jesus came
you’re building a mystery
you live in a church
where you sleep with voodoo dolls
and you won’t give up the search
for the ghosts in the halls
you wear sandals in the snow
and a smile that won’t wash away
can you look out the window
without your shadow getting in the way
oh you’re so beautiful
with an edge and a charm
but so careful
when I’m in your arms
[chorus]
’cause you’re working
building a mystery
holding on and holding it in
yeah you’re working
building a mystery
and choosing so carefully
you woke up screaming aloud
a prayer from your secret god
you feed off our fears
and hold back your tears
give us a tantrum
and a know it all grin
just when we need one
when the evening’s thin
oh you’re a beautiful
a beautiful fucked up man
you’re setting up your
razor wire shrine
Lucky Otters Haven 