My delusional fantasy.

deathbed

I think a lot of anger at my parents has been triggered.
For years I’ve avoided thinking about my past or made excuses as to why my family treated me the way they did. I haven’t felt this enraged at them since adolescence. I guess this is good, all that anger has to come out. But what to do about it? I’m also realizing how HURT I feel by all this–that’s another thing I tried to deny or avoid thinking about. I can’t avoid it anymore, and I can’t escape the pain and the rage.
Someone posted the four stages of healing. Anger was one of those stages. But I don’t feel like I can move on by myself from this.

I still dream of a reconciliation–something like, on their deathbeds, they make amends to me and tell me how sorry they were for fucking my mind up so bad I can barely function in the world. Then let me know they are putting me back in the will. I know that’s delusional and will never happen because their souls are gone and they will always think I’m unworthy because I don’t measure up to their ridiculous, unrealistic standards, but I still think that it’s the only thing that would ever make me feel happy. At the very least I would feel vindicated.
But nothing would really change of course; the damage is already done to my psyche and has been that way for a long time.
But I still have that fantasy.
I can’t let it go.
A sense of closure would be lovely, but I don’t think I’ll even ever have that.

Closure.

closure

Closure can open new doors, even as one door is closing for good. There are so many other doors we can’t even imagine. Doors that may be right in front of us but we can’t see until we accept that the old door will never open again.

Sometimes just apologizing to someone can lighten your emotional load and bring closure to an uncertain or painful situation.

I had been struggling with severe guilt and shame over some things I said to someone whose views I respect. I never had ill intentions or alternative motives but this individual reacted in (what I thought was) an extreme way to my obliviousness and insensitivity.

While this individual has still chosen to no longer be friends, I respect their views about that and I think that decision is for the best.

For my part, I just feel so much better now that I apologized and had the opportunity to thank them for their friendship when it was needed. It’s no longer necessary, and because I reached out in sincerity and humility, I feel like I can finally move on. I feel so much lighter and freer than I did before I reached out. There has been closure, and that’s always a good thing.