loneliness | Lucky Otters Haven

missyouasshole

For the past week or so, I’ve been actually missing my emotionally abusive, narcissistic ex husband. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t like him, and I’m not making excuses for him (I still know he’s a narc and know No Contact is best). I don’t want to be friends with him. I don’t want to visit him, have lunch with him, or have him over to my house. I realize the dangers of even having phone conversations with him; it would be a slippery slope into a relapse or very triggering situation (and I’m already triggered enough as it is right now).

But even at the height of his abusive behavior (here’s a semi-funny-but-not-really story about one way he used to manipulate and mentally torture me), there always remained those rare times I actually enjoyed his company. I enjoyed his intellect. It was almost as if at certain times, when he could talk about something he actually knew a lot about, he became less narcissistic — or I was able to look past it — or something. There were certain topics having nothing to do with ourselves or the kids that we could have long, intellectual conversations about without fighting. Politics was one of them. We always were on the same page about politics, and we used to get into long, rather enjoyable intellectual discussions, sometimes with a little weed providing a kind of social lubricant. These conversations never ended badly, unlike almost everything else.

My daughter visits her dad at least once or twice a week, since he lives nearby. She says all he talks about anymore is the political situation, and how much he hates Trump. Meanwhile, I have very few — really no — people in real life I can talk to about the political situation, which gets more threatening and scary by the day. My daughter agrees with my views, but hates talking about it, and my son (who also agrees with me and is gay so he feels very much under threat by the Trump administration’s anti-gay rhetoric) has been escaping into entertainment, movies, games, and work because he doesn’t want to deal with it at all. My daughter’s boyfriend, who I get along with otherwise, does not agree with us about Trump, unfortunately (I thought he was changing his mind, but he never really did). I really don’t have any other close friends or family I can talk to about this and it’s driving me crazy.

My daughter just went up to see her dad, and I asked her to give him a message. I told her to tell him I missed our political discussions, and to give him my phone number in case he ever wanted to talk politics. She said he probably wouldn’t call me, and that’s okay, but I wanted to extend the invitation. I feel very much alone these days in an increasingly scary country that is about to get a whole lot worse (unless some miracle happens soon) and want a real life person to talk to about this, even if it’s a narc I was married to, because there just really isn’t anyone else.

I’ll provide an update, should he take me up on my offer, but he probably won’t. I’m pretty much dead to him.

cat_lady

My ex husband was and is a malignant narcissist who actually has an NPD/ASPD (and Bipolar) diagnosis. He almost destroyed me and my sanity with his constant gaslighting, verbal abuse, projection, lies, insults, mean sarcasm, threats, and refusal to lift a finger around the house or even work for the last few years we were together. He stole from me, ran up my credit cards (ruining my credit rating, which sucks to this day), tried (and almost succeeded) in turning our two children against me, invaded by boundaries, and once even threatened me with murder-suicide after I threatened to leave. He still badmouths me to everyone he can, telling them how crazy and stupid I am (even though to my face, he always called me the most intelligent person he’d ever known). .

And yet, and yet….

WTF?

Sometimes I miss him.

I miss the way sometimes he could be so sweet and loving (usually when he wanted something). I miss our long, intellectual conversations about politics, science, God, the universe, art, music, movies, and everything else under the sun. I miss having a companion who would accompany me no matter what I was doing. I miss having someone to spend the holidays with. I even sometimes miss his unfunny jokes (which were often directed against me).

He had a few genuinely nice qualities. His intelligence made him an interesting conversation partner. He also loved animals and loved to cook. I miss his cooking (even though he always overseasoned everything). But these things weren’t enough to make me want to stay with someone who was so abusive to me and our kids.

I guess what I really miss isn’t him at all, but just that I miss being part of a couple, because I was absolutely miserable almost every moment I spent with him. I know I will never go back, and have no love left for him, but I do pray for him and don’t hate him, in spite of the evil, horrible things he did to me when we were married and for the several years after the divorce that we stayed together.

I look around and practically everyone of my age is part of a couple. If they aren’t part of a couple, they have extended family or a large circle of close friends, or a fulfilling career. I have none of those things. I don’t wallow in self pity over that, but these are the facts. I am fortunate to have a good relationship with my grown children. I am fortunate to be fairly healthy and employed. I don’t hate my life, exactly, but I am lonely.

Although I look young for my age, and am in fairly good shape, I don’t look THAT young. I feel old, way too old to attract a mate. I’m self conscious about my rather advanced age, and the toll it’s beginning to take on my appearance. I wish I could turn back the clock, but I can’t.

loneliness

The idea of starting over again, with someone new, is just too daunting, and frankly, way too scary. I still have too many issues connecting with real life people because of the trauma I suffered. I have no idea where I’d meet someone. I hear the online dating services can be quite predatory and I don’t want to spend the little money I have on something like that anyway.

I’ve also become set in my ways. I’m way too selfish to want to change my lifestyle or compromise that in order to adapt to someone else. I don’t know if I could do that now. I like my time by myself, doing what I like to do, thinking my own thoughts, not having to take someone else’s wishes or wants or needs into account. I have cats instead, so I guess that makes me one of those crazy cat ladies. Well, so be it then.

At the end of the day, I think I just prefer to remain alone. I’m really not interested in dating, I just sometimes wish I had the companionship that other women my age seem to all have. I wish there was another person I was growing old with so I wouldn’t have to die alone.