Sometimes I miss him.

cat_lady

My ex husband was and is a malignant narcissist who actually has an NPD/ASPD (and Bipolar) diagnosis.  He almost destroyed me and my sanity with his constant gaslighting, verbal abuse, projection, lies, insults, mean sarcasm, threats, and refusal to lift a finger around the house or even work for the last few years we were together. He stole from me, ran up my credit cards (ruining my credit rating, which sucks to this day), tried (and almost succeeded) in turning our two children against me, invaded by boundaries, and once even threatened me with murder-suicide after I threatened to leave.  He still badmouths me to everyone he can, telling them how crazy and stupid I am (even though to my face, he always called me the most intelligent person he’d ever known). .

And yet, and yet….

WTF?

Sometimes I miss him.

I miss the way sometimes he could be so sweet and loving (usually when he wanted something).  I miss our long, intellectual conversations about politics, science, God, the universe, art, music, movies, and everything else under the sun.   I miss having a companion who would accompany me no matter what I was doing.   I miss having someone to spend the holidays with.   I even sometimes miss his unfunny jokes (which were often directed against me).

He had a few genuinely nice qualities.  His intelligence made him an interesting conversation partner.  He also loved animals and loved to cook.  I miss his cooking (even though he always overseasoned everything).  But these things weren’t enough to make me want to stay with someone who was so abusive to me and our kids.

I guess what I really miss isn’t him at all, but just that I miss being part of a couple, because I was absolutely miserable almost every moment I spent with him.  I know I will never go back, and have no love left for him, but I do pray for him and don’t hate him, in spite of the evil, horrible things he did to me when we were married and for the several years after the divorce that we stayed together.

I look around and practically everyone of my age is part of a couple. If they aren’t part of a couple, they have extended family or a large circle of close friends, or a fulfilling career.  I have none of those things.  I don’t wallow in self pity over that, but these are the facts.   I am fortunate to have a good relationship with my grown children.   I am fortunate to be fairly healthy and employed.  I don’t hate my life, exactly, but I am lonely.

Although I look young for my age, and am in fairly good shape, I don’t look THAT young.   I feel old, way too old to attract a mate.   I’m self conscious about my rather advanced age, and the toll it’s beginning to take on my appearance.  I wish I could turn back the clock, but I can’t.

loneliness

The idea of starting over again, with someone new, is just too daunting, and frankly, way too scary.   I still have too many issues connecting with real life people because of the trauma I suffered.  I have no idea where I’d meet someone.   I hear the online dating services can be quite predatory and I don’t want to spend the little money I have on something like that anyway.

I’ve also become set in my ways.  I’m way too selfish to want to change my lifestyle or compromise that in order to adapt to someone else.   I don’t know if I could do that now.  I like my time by myself, doing what I like to do, thinking my own thoughts, not having to take someone else’s wishes or wants or needs into account.   I have cats instead, so I guess that makes me one of those crazy cat ladies.  Well, so be it then.

At the end of the day, I think I just prefer to remain alone.   I’m really not interested in dating, I just sometimes wish I had the companionship that other women my age seem to all have.    I wish there was another person I was growing old with so I wouldn’t have to die alone.

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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20 Responses to Sometimes I miss him.

  1. This is a beautifully written, deeply insightful, hard yet hopeful post. It is bard because of the grief and the loneliness. But it is hopeful, because you are grateful for the blessings you have,, and because you know that you would rather stay along than to go back to the insanity again.

    By the way, I had to go looking for your site just now, because WP unfollowed me from your site AGAIN! I had to refollow you this morning, and I had to refollow you again, now!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Geez, all the typos in my comment… I don’t even know what happened. Our temperature here is 4 degrees right now and yesterday the high was 69 with wind gusts of 75 mph, and my nerves are kind of shot. We really do have a Bipolar Vortex going on, at least here on the high plains of New Mexico.

      Anyway, I was thinking: my aunt is 76, she will be 77 in February, and she goes out on dates all the time. She’s on match (dot) com. Maybe some other sites too, but that one I know for sure. I don’t know how much it costs, but you might want to see if they ever have sales or maybe a short trial period.

      But if you are mostly happy alone, I think that’s great, too. But brrrrr… good thing you have kitties to snuggle up with. Hopefully your temperature is warmer than 4 degrees!

      I think I may have figured out how I keep getting unfollowed from so many sites. I am typing on an 8″ touchscreen Kindle Fire tablet. Maybe my finger sometimes hits the follow/unfollow tab and I don’t even realize it. I should probably wear my reading glasses when I do this. But I hate wearing glasses. Not because of vanity, I just hate the feeling of something sitting on my nose and ears. I know, I am weird.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. nowve666 says:

    My father met his second wife when they were both middle-aged. They met at Parents Without Partners. You’re a parent without a partner so you qualify for membership. Just a thought. The people who go there are looking for a partner around their own age.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. cyranny says:

    What are you talking about?? You do have a partner!! *Wink wink!*

    On the serious side, it is sad to to know you feel this way. They say better alone than in bad company.. that is true, but it doesn’t mean you have to stay alone forever…

    I hope your readers will give you great tips to meet someone special again 🙂 I wish you love, the right kind for you, my friend 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. workofheart56 says:

    Thank you for such a heartfelt post. I relate to much of what you wrote. God bless!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. rubycommenting says:

    Lucky hi:) I very much relate to what you had to say. I miss the good things too about former partners but the bad parts made it not worth it. And I say to myself, those bad things didnt need to happen, Why did they have to do them in the first place? And like you, at this age I take stock of whats left that I have going for me. Im not that bad yet fear the starting all over again and say, What if I meet another who will only do the same things? So being alone on a one person income seems preferable even though its very hard. The Great Recession didnt help this at all. I have one cat and she’s great:) Im thinking of adding a dog and visited some shelters but thats a big decision that Im carefully still weighing out. Be glad you have your health, Im having problems at too young an age and its costing my wallet when I could be doing other things with it. Your post lets me know Im not alone in this quandry. I deleted my blog and am going back to just commenting. Although I love to write, in my life, it makes more sense to do it this way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Hey Ruby, I was wondering what happened to your blog. I’m glad I know, but sorry you felt you had to take it down. Although I’m sorry you are having to face being single late in life too, it’s good to know I’m not alone. I’m sorry you are having some health problems.
      But I’m happy you have your pets, and please keep me posted on your hunt for a canine companion! Animals make great friends and can keep people from getting lonely. In many ways I prefer them to people (even though they can’t help you with your income, lol).

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I sometimes feel that way about the ex-friend, and for many of the same reasons. (Not all, of course, since I wasn’t in a romantic relationship with him. 😛 ) But making new friends made things better…

    The advice columnists have a standard answer for this sort of thing: Find something you enjoy doing and let things happen naturally. And if you don’t find a mate that way, at least you’ll be doing something you enjoy. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. ashualec says:

    This missing him is dangerous. Beware. You are giving out a wrong signal to the universe.

    Don’t think you have become too set to change your ways or anything derogatory. Unknowingly you are self- condemning, this is exactly the kind of people that turn a narcissist into a malignant one.

    You deserve all the happiness, a good career and a good companion. One day you will get all this. Assume you already have (for they already exist in some part of the universe, just you have not met them).

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Don’t worry — I have absolutely no intentions of EVER going back to him. I a MUCH happier this way. But from time to time, I get nostalgic over having another adult to talk to in real life. But NOTHING would ever drag me back to him or anyone like him either! I know the red flags now and know it would be my undoing. So please don’t worry–I’m not in as much danger as you think!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I really relate to this. I think you may feel differently further down the line about wanting to be alone. Who knows. When we had such painful experiences in relationships its hard to hope and risk again and yet we are built for relationship if and when the time is right. This time of year I also miss my ex narcissist in some ways but I know I am better off without him too.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. jazzyjenness says:

    I have been where you are and were. Your thoughts, feelings and words touched my heart.
    Thank you for your honesty and courage.
    God Bess and Merry Christmas.

    Liked by 1 person

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