I’m thinking about contacting my narcissist ex.


For the past week or so, I’ve been actually missing my emotionally abusive, narcissistic ex husband.   Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t like him, and I’m not making excuses for him (I still know he’s a narc and know No Contact is best).  I don’t want to be friends with him.  I don’t want to visit him, have lunch with him, or have him over to my house.   I realize the dangers of even having phone conversations with him; it would be a slippery slope into a relapse or very triggering situation (and I’m already triggered enough as it is right now).

But even at the height of his abusive behavior (here’s a semi-funny-but-not-really story about one way he used to manipulate and mentally torture me), there always remained those rare times I actually enjoyed his company.   I enjoyed his intellect.  It was almost as if at certain times, when he could talk about something he actually knew a lot about, he became less narcissistic — or I was able to look past it — or something.  There were certain topics having nothing to do with ourselves or the kids that we could have long, intellectual conversations about without fighting.  Politics was one of them.   We always were on the same page about politics, and we used to get into long, rather enjoyable intellectual discussions, sometimes with a little weed providing a kind of social lubricant.   These conversations never ended badly, unlike almost everything else.

My daughter visits her dad at least once or twice a week, since he lives nearby.   She says all he talks about anymore is the political situation, and how much he hates Trump.    Meanwhile, I have very few — really no — people in real life I can talk to about the political situation, which gets more threatening and scary by the day.    My daughter agrees with my views, but hates talking about it, and my son (who also agrees with me and is gay so he feels very much under threat by the Trump administration’s anti-gay rhetoric) has been escaping into entertainment, movies, games, and work because he doesn’t want to deal with it at all. My daughter’s boyfriend, who I get along with otherwise, does not agree with us about Trump, unfortunately (I thought he was changing his mind, but he never really did).   I really don’t have any other close friends or family I can talk to about this and it’s driving me crazy.

My daughter just went up to see her dad, and I asked her to give him a message.  I told her to tell him I missed our political discussions, and to give him my phone number in case he ever wanted to talk politics.    She said he probably wouldn’t call me, and that’s okay, but I wanted to extend the invitation.   I feel very much alone these days in an increasingly scary country that is about to get a whole lot worse (unless some miracle happens soon) and want a real life person to talk to about this, even if it’s a narc I was married to, because there just really isn’t anyone else.

I’ll provide an update, should he take me up on my offer, but he probably won’t.   I’m pretty much dead to him.

14 thoughts on “I’m thinking about contacting my narcissist ex.

  1. I did it too, reached out to see if we could be friends. He said no. Thank god because he is my achilles’ heel and I would have started down a slippery slope. Just keep your wits about you if he takes you up on that offer.

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  2. I can certainly understand, since there have been times when I wanted to put up a post on my blog to my narc ex-friend asking him to call me. I still miss the intellectual conversations we used to have for hours and hours, and talking to him about religion, because he’s the one who led me to Orthodoxy. But he never has apologized or tried to make things right in seven and a half years. So it’s a wish that must stay unfulfilled. Inviting the narc back in can only lead to trouble, so I hope he doesn’t take you up on that. 😛

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  3. I can understand that impulse, especially for political discussion in this time, and not having anyone to do that with in real life. I tend to agree that he is unlikely to accept the invitation. For a really bright narcissist, that cold intellectual place is a safe zone (for them), and few would be better qualified to deconstruct the actions of our narcissistic man-baby in chief. Come to think of it, that is probably part of why Trump is so over-matched by Putin.

    Thinking about your wanting someone to have that sort of talks with, I wonder whether there is an “Indivisible” group/organization where you live. The one here is small (its a small town), but does serve that purpose for me, as well as a platform for taking action.

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  4. Yeah, I don’t understand it. If someone is pathologically narcissistic a few conversations about politics will most likely lead to gas-lighting, game playing, goading and baiting to get some narcissistic supply. Why would any scapegoated victim of a seriously psychologically disturbed narcissist ever want to have contact again? I just don’t understand, I’m sorry!

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  5. Aaarrgh! Hang in there. No contact is your suit of armour. If he takes up your offer, it will be to manipulate you. It’s all he knows. You’ll get through this, but stay no contact. By offering him the opportunity to contact you, he’ll yank your chain whenever he wants, knowing your’re at the end of it. Talk to the wall, talk to here, talk to anyone that’ll help you stay no contact. You’ll get through this, and yes, it is hard.

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  6. I am not judging you but I would never ever do that. But now that you have done it, I really hope you do not regret it.
    BTW I thought of you when recently I heard a talk show where a North Korean survivor talked about Trump and her dictator. She said Trump is scarier than her dictator coz her dictator just stays in her country and talks. He does not have power like Trump and will never be the first to take the offence.

    Having said that there are people in my country India who think what Trump is doing for the best of the USA and is an example to follow.

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  7. They have meetup groups for this purpose! That was my first thought. 😀 I know what you mean though. I just found out that a man I used to date, who was a very disturbed individual, passed away in September. We used to talk politics all the time and I miss those discussions. He was very intelligent and intellectually curious. Very difficult individual though.

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