Nobody knew who I was.

nobody
Woodcut by Käthe Kollwitz, 1867-1945

I used to be a nobody.

Or, as my malignant narcissist mother would have put it, “a nothing.”

Before I started this blog, years of psychological abuse had sealed my lips and closed my eyes to what I could be. I rarely spoke to the people around me, and when I did, I revealed nothing because I was too afraid and was convinced I was a boring person who lived an equally boring life. I never ever revealed anything about my emotional life to people outside my immediate family, and even with them, I was reticent.

I’ve always found it difficult to make friends offline, due to my Aspergers and my avoidant personality, as well as my fear of revealing too much. I still almost never talk about my feelings offline. When I was a child I revealed way too much. I was highly sensitive and vulnerable but didn’t know how to handle it. That kind of openness got me bullied and as a result, I learned it was best to say nothing at all. I didn’t realize my high sensitivity was in reality a wonderful gift.

I shut and locked all my psychological doors. After a while, I couldn’t remember how to unlock them. For me, writing was the key, but I assumed the lock was broken and the key would not work.

For most of my adulthood, although I managed to marry and have a family (with a narcissistic bully who was all wrong for me or for anyone) I had practically no social life outside of that and hardly ever engaged in any interesting activities. I gave up easily. I never completed anything I started due to my dismally low self esteem that told me I was sure to fail. I gave up writing and art and all the things I had loved when I was younger. I feared being boring but boring is exactly what I became. I was just too afraid of everything to be anything else.

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I believed my purpose in this life was to be an example to others of how not to be. Hell, even my own mother called me a loser and a failure, and if your own mother has no faith in you, how can you believe in yourself? Mother knows best, right?

Wrong.

I thought about writing a blog, but didn’t because I feared I would have nothing to say that would interest anyone. I also thought it would be too hard and I would give up in frustration, like I had given up on so many other things when they became too difficult. My irrational fear of failure crippled me.

Even if I could think of something to write about, I was afraid people would hate my words and ideas. Ideas? I didn’t think I had any anyway. In my own mind I was the most boring person in the world. I felt like a walking zombie, marking time until death.

I was so wrong. So very wrong. I’m free to reveal the self on this blog that was in hiding for decades and many times was hidden even from myself. I’m finding it’s safe to be open and vulnerable, at least online. And I’m finding there is so much joy to be had if you just open your eyes and your heart and let yourself feel life. It really wasn’t that hard to do, once my psychopathic sperm donor was out of the way.

I never thought I could help anyone, least of all myself. I felt impotent and helpless in the world, someone born to be a victim, a source of narcissistic supply to others, because that was how I was trained. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t really stupid, uncreative and boring. I wasn’t a loser and I only failed because I was too afraid to try anything and would give up easily the few times I did try. I didn’t realize it was my PTSD and depression that turned me into a walking zombie. Mental illness is a powerful dark beast and can engulf and eclipse your true spirit.

My creativity is blossoming. I always had ideas, but now they’ve revealed themselves as I’ve let go of my debilitating fear and self hatred. Sometimes I feel like I have too many ideas and can’t write them down fast enough.

Although my external circumstances haven’t changed very much (outside the narc being gone), I have hope now. I feel like a real person again, an interesting person who can even be a friend to others. I’m even starting to like myself, and think I’m a pretty interesting person. I’m even becoming proud of my high sensitivity I used to be so ashamed of. In its highest form, high sensitivity can reveal empathic ability.

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I truly believe that once I got the narc out of my life, that God stepped in and took things over. He has shown me who I really am and what my purpose is in this world, and it’s not to be an example to others of how not to be. A plan for my life is taking shape and every day it amazes me. There’s so much to be amazed by. He is teaching me how to use the gift of writing that I had been wasting for so long on bullshit or not using at all.

Becoming vulnerable again through my writing is a beautiful thing. If you like yourself, you can handle the bullies, but chances are there will be fewer than you think, and most people will admire your willingness to be open and can relate to that. Your voice will be heard by those who are really listening. It can penetrate the darkness in other people’s lives.

Being vulnerable is about being honest. It’s embracing the truth rather than believing the lies.

Becoming vulnerable takes courage. Rather than being a trait of a weak person, it really takes a strong person to be willing to feel life in its kaleidoscope of colors. Before, I only saw in shades of gray.

I used to believe there was nothing left to look forward to. Now I know there is still so much ahead of me.

Nobody knew who I was. I wouldn’t let them in. Now the door is wide open. Come on in.

15 thoughts on “Nobody knew who I was.

  1. I hear you. For decades I felt like a failure because that was what my father had told me I was. And when you’ve already internalized the notion that you’re a flop and a washout, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It takes a long time, and a lot of determination, to unlearn the false things we have learned about ourselves.

    Liked by 3 people

    • It really does become a self fulfilling prophecy. That’s why narcissistic parents and family members are so toxic, especially for HSPs like myself. We internalize everything and become what they want us to be–narcissistic supply. They hate us because they envy our abilities to see the truth. They hate the truth and the highly sensitive can see right through their lies and it scares them.

      The “losers” they turn us into is only who they want us to be, not who we really are. But their “lessons” are powerful. Because they can only be their mask, they expect us to wear the mask they have put on us. It takes courage and insight to break out of that trap.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
    The universe is a funny old place. Sometimes it puts challenges and pain in our lives to make us who we are. Your story is special and heroic in my estimation. Your blog is important. It shows others that there is hope. It also shows narcissists that they can’t win against an open heart. I am so glad you faced your demons and you won. Although I realize they are still in the trunk wanting to escape you will still win over them. You are a strong, resilient woman and an example to others that there is hope and joy in life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The universe is a funny place. I definitely believe our narcs have a spiritual purpose for us if we can overcome and face the damage they do. They have lessons to teach us about ourselves, our strength and resilience. Once disengaged, it’s possible to see the whole picture and realize we wouldn’t have come so far spiritually without them. If we don’t allow them to destroy us, in a sense they can actually be helpful to us. Everyone who touches our lives, even in a negative way, can be a teacher.
      That’s why even though I avoid narcs like the plague, I cannot hate them. They are broken people, far more broken than those of us they have hurt.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I am glad you are coming into your own and healing. These narcs damage us so much. Finding a talent, skill and sharing yourself with the world can be an incredible gift. Mine told me I was a failure too, and blamed me for all my medical problems and I am kind of on the same journey you are in coming out of all that. I was glad I was able to give a bit to communities I lived in. Narcs judge everything by material possessions too. Going NC the world can open up far more. You are done pouring energy into the unpleasable and the dead end of narcissism.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes to all this. Trying to please a narc is like trying to pour water into a sieve. You will never fill it and just get more and more frustrated the harder you try.

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