Storyteller.

storytellers

My therapist told me I’m a good storyteller.
This was one of the most validating things anyone ever told me. He likes my stories. I keep him entertained. I make him laugh and keep him on the edge of his seat.
Yay me!

Maybe I really could write that novel and keep millions entertained and become rich and famous after all. Why not? Its never too late. Hell, Grandma Moses didn’t become a famous painter until her 90s. There’s nothing wrong with being a late bloomer.

I always thought of myself as a pretty boring person and an even worse storyteller, because I didn’t think I had any stories worth telling. But I’m finding out that’s not the case.
We all have a story to tell. We’re all actors on this stage called life.

But feeling complimented isn’t really the reason I’m over the moon about what he said. It doesn’t matter if I have the capacity to entertain anyone. I don’t really care if I can make people laugh or keep them quaking in suspense or move them to tears. That’s not my reason for being here.

It means a lot because I feel like he cares. I keep him entertained because he cares about me or at least does a pretty good job pretending he does (but I don’t think it’s pretending). He’s very good at what he does, but more importantly, after four sessions, I feel like we have established trust and a good working relationship. He’s one of the few people who ever showed me any real empathy. I feel like I could tell him almost anything.
Except one thing.

I realized this week I’ve developed strong transference feelings. That’s supposed to happen in psychodynamic therapy. It’s like limerence but without the sexual aspect. I just want to be cared for and protected by him, as if he’s the nurturing and caring surrogate parent I should have had. These feelings can be intense. They replicate ancient attachments from early childhood. You’re supposed to work through them. Right now I just feel incredibly excited to be seeing him again tomorrow.

I know this euphoria won’t last. It might even become painful. I’m prepared for that. I’m idealizing someone I don’t even know. All he is is a mirror, in which I can see whatever I want–or see aspects of myself I can’t own yet. I went through this when I was 22 and wound up walking out on my therapist because I couldn’t handle the intensity of my feelings anymore. But I’m older and more mature now, and know a lot more about how this stuff works than I did back then. Therapy isn’t easy. It’s work, hard work, and I’m prepared to roll up my sleeves and get busy instead of slacking off and expecting to just suddenly not have any problems anymore.

He doesn’t know yet. I don’t know if I’m ready to tell him. He may figure it out even if I don’t say anything. Maybe I can tell it like a story.

What really matters.

mex_nyman_dancing

Life isn’t about what you do or who you are.
Life is about those moments that just make you say “Wow. I did that.”

–“Mex Nyman”

A little validation goes a long way

I was checking my stats, and under the “referrers” section, I found a new referrer: League of Geeks. I clicked it on, and it took me to a forum topic about furries. I scrolled down and found the post that mentioned my most popular article.

It’s a very long post, so I’ll just excerpt from it.

My husband and I like to joke that the only true common thread with furries is with how we are screwed up socially in some way. It is not something to be upset or afraid about, though. Most furries find it liberating to behave contrary to the status quo as an escape. Others find the courage to do things behind the mask of a suit they never could have done otherwise (this article is an outstanding read, and could give you some inspiration: https://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/09/20/my-son-is-furry-got-a-problem-with-that/).

This was a very little thing, but it still made me feel like a million dollars after having had such an otherwise crappy day. I know most of you bloggers can relate. This sort of validation is one of the things that keeps us motivated. At least it is for me.