I’m actually hoping it snows tomorrow. That’s right, this hardcore snow-hater who has written entire posts grousing about its inconveniences and dangers, is praying for the white stuff to happen overnight. I want to look out my window tomorrow morning and be greeted with a blanket of white covering everything.
I haven’t changed my sentiments about snow. I still hate it. The reason I want it to snow is because I don’t want to go to my job tomorrow. In fact, I’m dreading it.
Ever have those times, especially after a weekend or a few days away, where you absolutely dread going back to work? Where the idea of hauling yourself up out of your warm bed at an ungodly hour and battling traffic on the interstate to go to a place you really don’t like much makes you want to sob into your pillows in despair?
Well, I’m feeling that way right now. Last week was a terrible week, and on two of those days I had to spend an entire day working with people I didn’t like. Not only that, but on both those occasions I handled things badly and didn’t exactly act professional. I wasn’t able to hide my dislike of these two people. I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual too. While I won’t have to work with these two individuals again, I’m afraid I might have created a reputation for myself of being a bitch who’s hard to get along with. People talk.
Normally I’m pretty easy to get along with. I’m usually pretty quiet and keep to myself. I try to stay out of workplace drama. I never had middle-school-like run-ins with people on this particular job before. Until last week, I was taking pride in how maturely and professionally I dealt with a variety of personalities, some that are difficult. The way I behaved last week reminds me of the way things used to be for me in work environments, when my emotions, usually my anger, got the best of me. I try to be mindful but this week I didn’t do very well. What on earth happened?
I think what’s happening is that my therapy is beginning to bring old traumatic events having to do with rejection closer to the surface of my conscious awareness. I’m getting triggered a lot more easily, more quick to anger and more easily offended than usual. Right now I’m like a raw nerve. I have my DBT skills to help out, but right now they seem less effective than they’ve been. That doesn’t mean I’ll give up on using them. Oh, hell no. I need those tools now more than ever. It could also be that last week I just had the bad luck of having to work with two people who were just plain impossible to deal with and seemed to have it in for me before the day even got started.
I really just don’t want to have to deal with any people at work tomorrow. I’ll be honest–I really just don’t care for too many people. I also don’t like the way management runs things at my company (but that’s another story). I can’t look for another job until I have my own car (I’m still using the company car). I can’t take a sick day because I have the company car. I got my tax return, but I need time to look for a car that’s cheap and will run.
I have no idea what to expect from day to day on this stupid job. At first, the unpredictability of it seemed “exciting,” but now I just hate that aspect of it. This job causes me to feel so stressed out and on edge all the time. And very, very tired.
I know I’ll have to go back, but please, God, not tomorrow. Please let it snow!