I hope it snows tonight.

letitsnow

I’m actually hoping it snows tomorrow. That’s right, this hardcore snow-hater who has written entire posts grousing about its inconveniences and dangers, is praying for the white stuff to happen overnight. I want to look out my window tomorrow morning and be greeted with a blanket of white covering everything.

I haven’t changed my sentiments about snow. I still hate it.  The reason I want it to snow is because I don’t want to go to my job tomorrow. In fact, I’m dreading it.

Ever have those times, especially after a weekend or a few days away, where you absolutely dread going back to work? Where the idea of hauling yourself up out of your warm bed at an ungodly hour and battling traffic on the interstate to go to a place you really don’t like much makes you want to sob into your pillows in despair?

Well, I’m feeling that way right now.  Last week was a terrible week, and on two of those days I had to spend an entire day working with people I didn’t like. Not only that, but on both those occasions I handled things badly and didn’t exactly act professional.  I wasn’t able to hide my dislike of these two people. I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual too. While I won’t have to work with these two individuals again, I’m afraid I might have created a reputation for myself of being a bitch who’s hard to get along with.  People talk.

hate_job

Normally I’m pretty easy to get along with. I’m usually pretty quiet and keep to myself. I try to stay out of workplace drama. I never had middle-school-like run-ins with people on this particular job before.   Until last week, I was taking pride in how maturely and professionally I dealt with a variety of personalities, some that are difficult.  The way I behaved last week reminds me of the way things used to be for me in work environments, when my emotions, usually my anger, got the best of me. I try to be mindful but this week I didn’t do very well. What on earth happened?

I think what’s happening is that my therapy is beginning to bring old traumatic events having to do with rejection closer to the surface of my conscious awareness. I’m getting triggered a lot more easily, more quick to anger and more easily offended than usual.  Right now I’m like a raw nerve. I have my DBT skills to help out, but right now they seem less effective than they’ve been.  That doesn’t mean I’ll give up on using them. Oh, hell no. I need those tools now more than ever.  It could also be that last week I just had the bad luck of having to work with two people who were just plain impossible to deal with and seemed to have it in for me before the day even got started.

hate_job2

I really just don’t want to have to deal with any people at work tomorrow. I’ll be honest–I really just don’t care for too many people. I also don’t like the way management runs things at my company (but that’s another story). I can’t look for another job until I have my own car (I’m still using the company car). I can’t take a sick day because I have the company car. I got my tax return, but I need time to look for a car that’s cheap and will run.

I have no idea what to expect from day to day on this stupid job. At first, the unpredictability of it seemed “exciting,” but now I just hate that aspect of it. This job causes me to feel so stressed out and on edge all the time. And very, very tired.

I know I’ll have to go back, but please, God, not tomorrow. Please let it snow!

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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13 Responses to I hope it snows tonight.

  1. ibikenyc says:

    Oh, do I hear you.

    I have been in just about exactly the position you describe at almost every single job I’ve ever had.

    The worst part of it for me was the shame and subsequent perpetual waiting for that other shoe to drop.

    EWW.

    I hope FOR you that it snows.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I fucking hate these dead end jobs. They’re all the same and they all suck.

      Liked by 1 person

      • ibikenyc says:

        I agree.

        I have ended up working for Narcissists and other abusive monsters (ALL also suffocating micromanagers) at EVERY SINGLE JOB I’ve ever had. Some of the situations were, in retrospect, almost, like, cartoonishly-absurd.

        Especially bad, without exception, were the places where everybody went around talking about how, “We’re like a FAMILY here!” Yeah: A DYSFUNCTIONAL family. I long ago learned to run, screaming, from job offers at places where I hear that on my interview!

        Also places that actually WERE families, ’cause if you weren’t one of them, you weren’t shit (AND they were dysfunctional besides, anyway). Nothing like having to act like you don’t hear mother and two sons screaming at each other in the back office, where you sit.

        I used to believe that my female supervisors were worse than the males, but I’m beginning to suspect that it was more that I react to bullshit differently from men than from women.

        Liked by 2 people

        • S says:

          Ibikenyc, you know what I think happens? The men that aren’t so nice to us(in a group setting), are being egged on by the women. This happens, I’ve seen it, in narcissistic families. It took me forever to arrive at that conclusion, it’s hard to believe that’s what’s happening, because we wouldn’t do it ourselves. It’s very primitive behavior, like these not-so-nice women want the men to ‘protect them’ from women like themselves because they think we are like them, but, we’re not. That is what I’ve come to believe.

          Liked by 2 people

          • ibikenyc says:

            Hi, S: Hadn’t thought about it this way.

            I’d always found that, no matter HOW big an asshole a male boss was, there was always STILL at least that little bit of consideration based on that he was male and I was female. Not so with female supervisors; every one I’ve had has reminded me of that song “Rip Her To Shreds,” by Blondie.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. moragh7 says:

    Living with a narcissist, I enjoy going to work, sad:)

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Just Plain Ol' Vic says:

    It would be AWESOME if it snowed where I live….however I am sure that everyone else in Florida would absolutely hate that idea, lol.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Susan Langer says:

    I can feel for you. One of the greatest things about retirement is not having to go to work. Hope it snows for you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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