What’s my problem?


After over a month of being convinced I’m a covert narcissist, now I’m starting to wonder if my assessment of myself could be incorrect. Most people are having trouble believing me (even good friends) and there are so many disorders that appear similar to it. I no longer think my symptoms are due to Aspergers the way I used to, but BPD + Avoidant PD in the same person can look exactly like covert NPD. So can complex PTSD in some cases.

I’ve been told again and again that real narcissists are unlikely to ever admit they are narcissists, and if they do, they won’t be beating themselves up that much over it. I don’t know if that’s always true (I’ve met a few low spectrum covert narcissists on Psychforums who actually have a diagnosis and feel terrible about things they’ve done and want to change, but maybe the diagnosis they got is wrong and they just have more than the normal amount of N traits). Victims of narcissistic abuse are often quick to diagnose narcissism in themselves and others. We’re hypervigilant and tend to see narcissism everywhere, and we don’t even exempt ourselves. The real narcissists are probably more likely to keep insisting that they are not. Abuse victims think too damn much. It’s all very confusing.


I guess there was a reason why I never added “Covert NPD” to “My Disorders” in the header. Without an official diagnosis for that, I really can’t say that’s what my problem is. It could be, but if so I think it’s at a low level. I know I have a number of narcissistic traits, but most abuse victims do. That doesn’t necessarily mean I have NPD, covert or otherwise. I could just have a really bad case of “fleas,” or just BPD + AvPD, or even complex PTSD.

I’m still glad I started Down The Rabbit Hole because it’s also intended for people with BPD, which I have an actual diagnosis for. I still think my “trip down the rabbit hole” early in August was real but that doesn’t necessarily mean I have NPD. It was still a trip to the walled off parts of my mind, and most abuse victims are at least partly walled off from themselves. We may be partially narcissistic but not enough to qualify for the label.

I care about people with low spectrum NPD and BPD who want to heal or improve, so that’s another reason I’m going to keep DTRH going. It’s getting a good reception. Another one of my missions is to help reduce the negative stigma against people with BPD. I don’t ever expect DTRH to gain the amount of activity this blog has received, but if only one or two people can be helped by my posts, and I can help myself by continuing to do exactly what I’ve been doing, then it’s worth it to keep it going, isn’t it?

Really, at the end of the day, all these labels are just labels and don’t really mean anything at all.

8 thoughts on “What’s my problem?

  1. I’m guessing that with the right “label”, you supposedly can get the right treatment, if necessary, which might ease some of your challenges in life. Psychology and neuroscience never seem to offer any guarantees though, and I think just focuses on changing what may or may not be who you are. I wish you luck in finding the right answers, but it seems in spite of the obstacles, you’re intelligent and well-reasoned, caring, and a good writer too!

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    • Thank you! I think you have to be careful even with getting an official diagnostic label though. There are so many cases of people misdiagnosed with something they don’t actually have and given the wrong treatment. I think the things I’m doing to heal myself are just as good for BPD + AvPD as for low spectrum covert NPD (which I still could have anyway).

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  2. There are DSM labels which are helpful to determine specific characteristics. However, no 2 people on this planet are identical.

    What I’d like you to do is jot down the characteristics and behavioral habits (OVDs) that you believe have occurred based on the abuses that you are clearly aware of in your consciousness and we can try to talk about the feelings you have based on those abuses that you do remember. We can get them clear first and maybe what’s blocked will begin to surface.

    I have no PHD, and the only degree in psychology I have is, the school of life.

    We can focus questions on what is clear in your consciousness first. ❤

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  3. I was told in 2005 that I had Borderline Personality Disorder with Avoidant tendencies. I guess not enough criteria for a diagnosis of AvPD. I am now in recovery from BPD. I don’t know how many criteria I may have now for AvPD. It can be very hard to get an accurate diagnosis, especially for complex illnesses such as BPD. I wish you luck and continued success on your journey to an accurate diagnosis and on your blogs. ❤

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  4. I definitely see how people that have spent years with narcissists do get fleas. While not a narcissist, my ex has some traits that aren’t healthy. He also hid the narcissistic abuse from everyone for 20 years, allowing everyone to think his narc walked on water. I think whatever helps u on your journey to healing is a good thing. Don’t get bogged down with the labels. Be well xo.

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  5. I work with psychologists testing children who seem to have ADD or ADHD or autism or asperger’s, etc. We rarely see anyone who really fits one of these exactly. It’s a spectrum, and I’m thinking these other diagnoses are on a spectrum, too. You can’t really pigeon hole people into slots with labels, we’re all just very intricate human beings. Just love yourself as you are, and accept whatever you are. We develop into what we are to survive our childhoods, and we work to become better people. We shouldn’t judge ourselves or others.

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