The honeymoon is over.

lost

I’ve been feeling quite strange the past week. It’s the worst I’ve felt in about a year. It started with feelings of anxiety and panic, racing and morbid thoughts and a feeling of unnamed dread. I’d try to nap and my heart would start racing so I’d give up. DBT skills didn’t work and some of my BPD (or PTSD) behaviors returned–negativistic behavior, feeling offended easily, sulking, fits of anger (not directed at anyone but expressed in imaginary conversations with myself in the car or at home), low frustration tolerance, paranoia. I’ve been less motivated to write. I’ve been neglecting housekeeping and eating right. Getting up in the morning is excruciating.

It was all I could do to make it through work. I was feeling sorry for myself all day and at the same time felt guilty for feeling that way. The anxiety has lessened but it’s been replaced by despair and some kind of deep sadness.

I don’t cry easily, but I started crying a few hours ago and couldn’t stop. It feels good to cry, but the feelings are so painful. I feel unworthy. I feel impotent. I feel angry at my parents for training me to be such a good little victim. I hate my ex. I hate myself. I suck at everything. I can’t relate to people. I hate people. I want to connect but I just can’t. I think people will hate me if I let them get too close. My world is so small and constrained and unsatisfying because of my fear of relating to others and reaching out, and because I never have enough money to do anything or go anywhere anyway. The summer’s slipping away and it reminds me of all the lost opportunities and all the doors that have slammed shut, never to reopen. That’s where my head is at. It’s a bad place to be. I feel like I’m losing control. It’s like a war inside my head. I hate all this wallowing in self pity but maybe it’s an opportunity to nurture myself.

I need to find a therapist. This blog is a wonderful tool for healing and it’s something I won’t let go of. It’s brought me a lot of joy. A lot of frustration too, but mostly joy. So I’ll keep blogging. I’d still rather do this than anything else.

But something, I don’t know what, has been triggered–by what I don’t know–and I’ve reached a point where just writing isn’t enough. I need someone to talk to who can help me sort out whatever’s going on in my head right now. I think journaling every day may have brought me to this point.

I’m not giving up. The good thing is that my emotions, while not really under my control at the moment, are there for me to feel. I’m not depressed in the apathetic, almost zombie-like way I used to get depressed when I was living with my narcissist ex. This is an active depression where my emotions are accessible to me and I can sort of name them and I just have to let myself feel them. I’m grateful for that at least. This is what I wanted. But what do I do with them? Can they make me a better, kinder, happier, more empathetic person? That’s what I really want. I need to find someone who can show me what to do with all these emotions.

I guess this means the honeymoon is over, and now the real work begins.

Advertisements

24 thoughts on “The honeymoon is over.

  1. It’s good that you can sort of name your emotions. That was something that I had to learn in DBT. I think that it would be good for you to get a therapist. They can help you sort out your emotions. I hope things work out for you soon. Sending positive vibes your way. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Here’s something that helped me tremendously when I was feeling the way you describe, and I couldn’t find a good therapist and journaling didn’t seem to be enough — I got a voice recorder and talked to the recorder about everything I was feeling. I talked and talked and cried and talked some more, the way I would have liked to be able to talk to a therapist or even a friend.

    But talking everything out isn’t what helped me. It was a day or two later, maybe a week later, when I decided to listen to my recordings, and… wow! I can’t even describe what a huge eye opener that was! I heard myself, heard my tears, heard my pain, heard my fear — and as I listened to myself tell my story, I understood myself in a far deeper way than I ever had before. It was incredibly healing.

    Hmm, you know, I think I need to do this again. A lot has happened in since 2001.

    I’m sorry you are hurting. Sounds lame to say, but I really mean it. When I was going through the worst of that, I called it “emotional dry heaves.” Horrible thing to go through.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. I paint and draw pictures when I’m messed up in my head. That helps. I don’t care if the pictures are good or not, I just draw whatever comes up in my mind. Hope you find your own way to deal with your thoughts 🙂
    Please keep writing this blog. I enjoy reading it and learn a lot from it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. So sorry you’re in so much pain Otter. I’m working on feeling my feelings too and it’s not easy to either break the barrier of numb nor to actually feel the pain. I started crying this morning while I was meditating remembering something from my last year in high school. And I just started crying but not as hard as I would’ve liked. And I’m left in this demotivating depression right now and I’m holing up in my bedroom today.

    But enough about me, I hope you can find a therapist that fits your needs and your wallet.
    Have you read any of Pete Walker’s books? I’m reading Complex PTSD now and he has another book called The Tao of Fully Feeling, which I’ve also read.

    I can relate to so much to this state you’re in…all the healthy practices go out the window and it seems to give way to a cycle. The worse you feel the less self care and the less self care the worse you feel.

    Here’s to feeling better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ll write a longer reply to this later but I have to run out. I’m sorry you’re in pain too. I get in these black moods that are usually brought on by excsessive worry. People either get used to or get sick of it. It’s something I’m working on. Worry is so useless which is why I wrote about it earlier today. Big hugs, SF!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I send you love like a small candle in the dark, to offer some comfort and support. I wish I could offer more. Or even offer something practical. I wish all of us more than the candle-light but the full sunshine of a summer’s day in our troubled minds, be it medical or philosophical troubles. I suspect the two are intertwined (mental health and philosophical/political/global) to varying degrees. I’ve noticed that sensitive people often have an over-arching and far reaching view of how the world really is, rather than just on their own doorstep. It may be this. That having come so far with your own emotions you are now at the point of being able to accept the broader emotional states that exist and affects the world. It’s hard, but it’s brave and courageous of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow!!! This is an incredibly deep, open and honest post!!! The deepest and most honest I have ever read in a blog. I am praying you through and I would be willing to be a friend to talk to if you ever need.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.