God’s love | Lucky Otters Haven

VS.

It’s the 4th week of Advent, the preliminary weeks leading to Christmas that are recognized by the Catholic Church (and also, I believe, all liturgical or “high churches” like the Episcopalian, Lutheran, and Orthodox churches). In the Catholic faith, Advent extends beyond Christmas itself, to the Epiphany (Little Christmas), which is celebrated on January 7th.

I have missed the previous two Sundays, and felt like sleeping in today, too, but made myself go, because I always get so much out of the Mass, especially the Eucharist, which the Mass leads up to. Sometimes laziness wins though, and I always regret it later. I wasn’t going to let that happen again today!

As a pretty liberal Christian (even for a Catholic), I don’t think non-church attendance is necessarily a sin. I don’t think church attendance is necessary for salvation; only having faith is. Many people are able to live a Christ-like life and stay close to God and retain their faith in spite of not belonging to any church. They are self-disciplined: they pray every day, read their Bible, read devotions, and ask God for forgiveness when necessary. I’m not one of them. I need to have a church to go to, otherwise I get lazy and “forget” to stay close to God. I start slipping back into the “world” with all its shallowness and banality and fail to act the way Jesus did. I slip back into sinful and toxic thinking and start nursing doubt.

So today I went to Mass, and as always happens, I left feeling uplifted and peaceful in my heart. The Eucharist (communion) is powerful medicine for me. I admit I have doubts about some of the Catholic doctrine, and issues with some of its rules. However, my church seems to emphasize God’s love over the hell-fire and brimstone scare tactics used by so many other churches to get their adherents to comply, including some of the more conservative Catholic churches. My church isn’t constantly preaching about abortion, homosexuality, or sin. Every homily (analogous to the sermon for Protestants) is preceded by readings from the Bible, and the homily itself based on Biblical verses about God’s love and how much Jesus loved us, so much that he died for ALL people (not just a selected few, as Calvinists believe) so all of us can achieve salvation.

The highlight of the Mass is the Eucharist, which is really a re-enactment of the Last Supper. I do believe, as a Catholic, that the host (communion wafer) and wine actually becomes the body and blood of Jesus Christ once it’s ingested. I believe this because of what it does to me inside. Once I ingest, I always feel a warm liquid feeling of peace and loving feelings in my heart, and this overcomes any worries or negative feelings I may be experiencing. That tiny sip of wine certainly isn’t enough to alter my mind, so I know it’s much more than a physical effect; it’s a spiritual one. It’s the Holy Spirit inside me working on my heart and soul. During the Eucharist, and for a few minutes following it, the choir sings softly about opening your heart to the Lord and his Divine Love. I spend the next few minutes kneeling, thanking Jesus for this gift of Himself, and praying for it to do good things within my soul. It always does.

I also notice that during the week, I feel more loving toward humanity, get less irritated and worry less, and good things seem to happen. I also seem to have a clearer direction of where I’m going spiritually.

The feeling I get from partaking in communion isn’t unlike taking a Klonopin! But it’s so much longer lasting and I feel like it actually changes and opens my heart, which a Klonopin (which only reduces anxiety) can never do.

My MN ex may have cancer. He’s been coughing up blood a lot and has been a heavy smoker for years, and also smokes a lot of weed too. He’s also been losing a lot of weight. He tells my daughter he doesn’t think he has much time left.

He’s covered by Medicare (SSDI), but he’s terrified to go see a doctor. I don’t blame him actually. I’d be terrified too.

He told my daughter if he has cancer, he just wants to let nature take its course and doesn’t want treatment. He’s a very high spectrum malignant narcissist, but he hates himself and his life. What he lives is not a life, it’s an existence. He’s just marking time until death, and he’s not even that old (he’s 55, but looks 70).

Although I can’t stand him anymore and refuse to have further contact with him, this development makes me feel very sad. It makes me sad that he allowed his own narcissism to destroy him (as well as almost destroy the people who loved him, including our children). It makes me sad that he’s isolated himself from his family by driving the people who loved him away, one by one–and will probably die all alone with no one to really care. His parents are both dead and he has no other close relatives.

It makes me sad that he, like my mother, will most likely die without ever being free of his narcissistic prison. I am praying for him because although I don’t like him, I know he’s living in a self imposed hell of his own making and his life is without any joy or lightness or love or hope. He’s the most negative person I’ve ever met.

I would love to see him at least become self aware enough to make amends to both his children, and realize that what’s happened to him is his own doing, not the fault of those who were close to him. Not because I want to see him suffer the pain of self-discovery (I’m not a spiteful person seeking revenge), but because I feel like that could possibly redeem him in God’s eyes, even if it’s at the 11th hour.

No, he doesn’t have enough time to be cured of NPD (or ASPD, or whatever he actually has), because that can take years that I don’t think he has, but at least some kind of redemption may be possible and he can have a moment to reconcile with his family before he finally shucks off this mortal coil.

I would also love to see him accept the love of Christ and allow himself to be comforted in His arms during his last moments. He needs that so badly. I’ve felt the love of Christ very keenly lately, and when I feel overwhelmed or discouraged or depressed, I ask Him to take me in his arms, and I can feel that he really does and that brings me great comfort. I felt his presence strongly during my spiritual awakening (of sorts) in the Gulf of Mexico a couple of weeks ago. I feel it whenever I fall onto my bed and weep after therapy, and he just rocks me and holds me like the parent I always wanted and tells me everything will be alright. He was always there but I refused to see.

My daughter does still speak to her father sometimes, but after stealing all her money last month, there’s definitely a rift between them now, and she’s starting to realize what sort of person he really is and that he’s utterly incapable of loving anyone. He told her he wants her to have a baby before he dies so he can have a grandchild for a short time, but she’s smart enough to not do that until she’s actually married (she’s with a very good man now who I think might be “the one”–and there are no red flags that I can see).

Maybe this man, being so physically ill (even though there’s no proof it’s cancer it probably is), will begin to look at himself in a different light and begin to develop some self-awareness. I’m praying, and I know God listens. So I’m not without hope that at least that could happen.