The bullies are winning and my heart is breaking.


Today I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach and recovering from some terrible illness at the same time.  I have no energy.    I just want to pull the covers over my head and sleep.  But I can’t sleep because I’m so on edge.

It’s a beautiful, sunny day and I’ve spent the entire day lying in bed. I’m depressed and anxious and everything hurts.  I’m stress-eating, doing pretty much nothing but staring at the ceiling and dropping the crumbs from the loaf of lemon pound cake I bought this morning all over my clean sheets.  At least I haven’t watched the news today (I need a break from it, after this past week).   I’ve been trying to read a new book I just bought, but I can’t concentrate.  I must have read the same page about ten times and didn’t comprehend a word of what I read.

As a survivor of narcissistic and sexual abuse, this whole Kavanaugh drama that’s been on the news 24/7 for almost two weeks now has been extremely triggering and making my C-PTSD symptoms flare up.  It’s not much comfort to know I’m far from alone though.  What this government is doing is narcissistic abuse writ large, and it’s negatively affecting millions of women and children, people of color, immigrants, and even many men.  Brett Kavanaugh is an abuser.  Even if he wasn’t a sexual predator (and I think there’s enough evidence that he is), he is predator and an abuser of women.  You can tell by his smug demeanor and his fake tears, by his narcissistic rage, by his entitlement, and by his abuser non-apology (“I didn’t mean to lose control, but SHE made me do it”).  Trump loves Kavanaugh because he’s a mirror image of himself and he will do his bidding and make him immune to the law.

So now that this predator, serial liar, and all around awful person has been confirmed to the highest court in the land, I feel personally threatened.  Not by Kavanaugh personally, since I will never have to deal with him.   I feel threatened by this entire regime which seems to grow stronger and meaner every day.  The abuse they inflict seems to keep getting worse, and now it’s getting personal.   First there was the Muslim ban, then the horrible treatment of the people in Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria, there was Heather Heyer being killed in Charlottesville by a white supremacist, and then football players taking a knee and being condemned for that.   As terrible as those things were, they didn’t seem that personal.  They were just terrible news stories, distant from my own life.  I still had hope things would turn around, people would wake up to what was happening, and good would triumph over evil.

But real life isn’t a movie with a happy ending, and things continued to deteriorate.   There were reports of  migrant kids from Central America locked in cages and forcibly separated from their parents.  I remember waking up in cold sweats from nightmares about little Hispanic children crying and screaming behind bars in cold dark cages, reaching their little hands out through the bars toward me, tears streaming down their small brown faces, and not being able to do a thing to help them except pray for them.  My nightmare wasn’t far off from the reality of what was actually happening.  Kids in concentration camps.  No privacy, not enough food, forced to drink dirty water, denied medical care or comfort.  Provided only with an aluminum foil blanket for warmth.  Ripped from their mothers’ arms and then not even allowed to comfort each other.  Abused and mocked by cruel, sociopathic guards in some cases.  Children fortunate enough to be returned to their parents looked shell shocked, their faces devoid of emotion.  They’d obviously been traumatized and were forced to  bury their feelings because living like that, in cages, away from the family that loved them, not understanding what they did wrong to deserve such treatment, hurt too much.  These little kids will be damaged for life, because a fat orange faced dictator felt like it was necessary to “deter” immigrants from coming here, and these innocent little lives were used as a tool and a warning.

And this travesty is happening in America.  In the land of the free.  In the the shining city on a hill.  “It can’t happen here.”  Really?  Oh, yes, it can.  And it is.   Who will be targeted next?

Women.   Women are being targeted now.  Especially women who dare to come forward and tell the truth about their abusers.   This regime has no empathy for survivors of abuse, sexual or otherwise, especially if they’re female.   Trump mocked Dr. Christine Ford at one of his rallies, and his supporters cheered.   A sexual predator gets confirmed to the Supreme Court, after lying under oath, committing perjury, and after a sham FBI investigation was run that turned out to be nothing more than a way to get “the left” to shut up.

Now Democrats and liberals are being targeted.    I avoid reading Trump’s tweets, but I couldn’t ignore this one, because it made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck:

You don’t hand matches to an arsonist, and you don’t give power to an angry left wing mob.  Democrats have become too EXTREME and TOO DANGEROUS to govern.  Republicans believe in the rule of the law – not the rule of the mob.

Let’s unpack this tweet.  First of all, it is blatant gaslighting and projection, which this man does every day.   It’s the Party of Trump (formerly the Republican Party), that has become extreme and dangerous, they are the ones who are trying to install a fascist, authoritarian government, remove our rights and freedoms, and now they appear to want to squash the First Amendment rights of anyone who doesn’t fawn at Trump’s feet.

I have never heard any president in my lifetime ever refer to the opposite party as a “mob” or “dangerous.”   Such labels were reserved for outside enemies, like ISIS or Al-Qaeda.  Our protests have been peaceful, much more peaceful than the Charlottesville “Unite the Right” rally that ended in the death of a counterprotester, or all the hate-filled Trump rallies where his followers chant mindlessly, “Lock her up!  Lock her up!” two years after Hillary lost the election (even though she didn’t lose the popular vote) — and even though repeated investigations found she was innocent of any wrongdoing.   THEY are the mob, not us.  The Trump party does NOT believe in the rule of law because its leaders are corrupt to the core and break the law every day.  Its followers are fueled by hate and fear, and they are growing more aggressive, as Trump stokes their rage at his rallies and encourages bullying and violence against anyone who is different from them, or anyone who doesn’t worship Trump, which means most of us.  I fear there is going to be a crackdown against us very soon, a curtailment of our rights, even though we have done nothing wrong.

In America, the bullies are winning.  Evil is winning.  It’s so triggering.  I am reminded of being the bullied, sensitive kid at school who was chased home every day by a rowdy group of cruel boys and mocked by the popular girls because of my social awkwardness.   Our president is a sadistic bully and he is surrounded by and rewards other sadistic bullies, while gaslighting and blaming and cruelly mocking everyone who has ever been a victim — or even anyone who is just a decent human being — by him and his merry band of flying monkeys.

When I think back to two years ago, or even a year ago, I realize with a jolt how much worse things have become since then — and much worse than I ever thought they could get.  I certainly thought Trump would have been impeached or removed under the 25th Amendment by now, but nothing he does or says — locking kids in cages, committing treasonous acts with Putin and Kim Jong Un in plain sight, alienating our allies, mocking women and abuse survivors who are brave enough to come forward and tell their stories — nothing at all seems to force him to be accountable.   He is apparently already above the law.  His new SCOTUS pick, Kavanaugh, was chosen primarily because he will make sure Trump stays above the law and is never held accountable for his many criminal acts and brutal deeds.    Our system of checks and balances has been hacked away at and has failed us, and now all three branches of government are completely under Trump’s control.

Even the breaking news story the other day in the New York Times that provided proof that Trump is a tax cheat and fraud who lied about his inheritance and businesses,  made barely a blip in the news.  It got buried under all the Kavanaugh drama, and no one even seems to care.  No one is going to hold him accountable for his crimes.   Even if the Mueller investigation somehow isn’t shut down,  Trump will skate, no matter how bad the charges may be.

Things have gotten worse, so much worse.  I feel it in my very cells.  It’s different now than it was even a few weeks ago.  Trump is consolidating power, he’s become more blatant and open in his cruelty and his lackeys don’t even try to hide behind a pleasant facade anymore (Lindsey Graham is a good example —  it’s almost like he’s possessed or suddenly removed his “soft spoken southern gentleman” skin suit).

The GOP has declared open season on women who dare to call out a man for abuse or for rape, and on all Democrats.   This isn’t normal.   A president is supposed to bring people together, not divide them.   Democrats have been demonized and identified as the enemy, and Trump’s tweet is preparing his base for aggression and violence against us.  To Trump and his supporters, we are the enemy, every bit as bad if not worse than ISIS.  We are fair game for whatever Trump wants them to dish out.   Martial law and curtailment of our freedom of speech is probably next.   We may even be rounded up and put in reeducation or forced labor camps.  Private prisons can make a hefty profit off our free labor.

As a Democrat and a woman and abuse survivor, I don’t feel safe in this country anymore.  I’m hypervigilant and constantly stressed.   Things seem to get better for awhile, I see a ray of hope — and then something happens and it feels like I’m on the Titanic as it was sinking, knowing there’s no way to save myself.  Or like I’m in hell, trapped in a torturous game of two steps forward, three steps back, for all eternity.   It’s as if I’m back in my abusive marriage, only this is worse because there’s no escape, no way to go “no contact.”  Trump dominates everything, he’s an oppressive presence even when I’m not seeing or hearing him.   I feel like I can’t breathe.  I wish I could flee the country, but I lack the means to do that.    And I’m so jealous of those who will be able to.

If things have gotten this much worse in less than two years, I’m absolutely petrified of what is coming down the pike next year, or two years hence.   I lack the right kind of emotional makeup to be able to survive living in a fascist dictatorship and once it’s established (if we lose the midterms I am sure it will be), all I have to look forward to is the relief of death.   I worry about my children facing a future under such a cruel and heartless regime, where my daughter can be targeted because of her gender, and my son can be targeted because of his sexual orientation.   I don’t feel like they’re safe here either and I worry about them.

Besides being terrified, I’m also heartbroken.   I remember the way things used to be here in America, how bright the future seemed.  I remember the way we took our many freedoms and rights for granted and never dreamed anything like this could happen.  I’m filled with grief so profound and heavy I can barely move.    I often wonder if this is the way women felt in Afghanistan or Iran before Sharia Law took over or the way the people of Germany felt in 1934 before Hitler seized total power.

I never thought it would happen here.  But it has.  America is dying, and this is what is feels like.

Please pray for us.


Here is a similar, but more hopeful, article from Chris Kratzer’s amazing blog.  Its central message is that if what is happening in America makes you feel sick, nauseous, angry, sad, fearful, or disgusted, there is nothing wrong with you.  In fact, if you feel those things, it’s an indication you have a working soul.

If Today, Your Heart Breaks and Your Hope Is Fading


40 thoughts on “The bullies are winning and my heart is breaking.

  1. Lucky,

    I’m sorry that you are having a bad day. Do know I enjoy hearing about you and appreciate your writings. I’m not that politically aware or I would be leaving more comments. I do agree the bullies are winning. I read some article on the internet about elderly people losing their homes because they are considered too vulnerable. It looks like the meek are sometimes being locked up as well as the prisoners in jail. I know for me I can’t figure it out so I find myself praying a lot.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Praying is good, even though I’m not sure God interferes in worldly politics (in spite of what some of the evangelicals say). Also voting. We have one chance left. Please be sure you vote on November 6th.

      I absolutely believe the meek and the most vulnerable are the most in danger under this regime. They are targeted becuase Trump hates what he perceives as “weakness.” It confounds me that so many evangelicals think he’s “anointed by God” since he is as far from Christ as anything or anyone I’ve ever seen.
      I think people who believe that have been deceived and I pray for them too, that they wake up from whatever spell they’re under.

      Another thing that’s very triggering to me is the way the Trumpers gloat about the “winning” and especially the way many of them actually say they enjoy seeing the “snowflake libtards” get upset. They don’t mind if Trump burns the whole country down as long as they get to see some “liberal tears.” It makes me sick.
      They are sadistic! I think sociopathic, Dark Triad type people are drawn to Trumpism.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Reblogged this on Scotties Toy Box and commented:
    Thank you for this post. I feel as you do, it scares me deeply. I don’t know what more to do nor how to reach more people. I am afraid for my country and for my self, as well as for my fellow Americans who may not be white. There is a lot of hate going on in our country. I have the same nightmares, I have the same anxiety, and I have no answers. How and why we go to this point again I am lost. I would never have thought 34% of our fellow country would support anything tRump has done, yet they do. Thank you for a well written post, and I wish I had some thing to say that would help, but I do not. I share your tears. Hugs

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I too was triggered by Kavanaugh’ s appearance. I so recognize that sneer and the belligerence that comes when questioned about his behavior

    Liked by 3 people

    • No, I’m not but it is exhausting! I know they’re trying to wear us down, and it’s hard, but we have to keep getting back up and fighting and never give up. Some days I feel more defeated than others though.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I felt very down yesterday. I’m still so disturbed. But I know that is what they are counting on. We are the majority, we have to vote them out. Kavanaugh will still have to answer for his behavior to the democratic house majority…if we get out and vote.

        Liked by 2 people

        • As long as we all vote we can overcome all their efforts to suppress our vote. We have the numbers, after all. We could overcome them easily. The problem is all the apathetic people who still don’t bother to vote or even care or know what’s going on. Yes, there are people even now that never follow the news. It boggles my mind there are actually people who have no idea what’s going on or what’s going to happen, that they may be about to lose everything. Or they just don’t care or they don’t believe anything they read in the news. There are a lot of people who don’t trust any news and think all the stories are fake or exaggerated.

          Even if they don’t like Trump, they think he can’t possibly be that bad, or that he will be kept in check somehow. These are usually people who don’t follow the news closely. They are wrong.

          It’s people like that, and of course the purists who vote for third party candidates, that could get in the way of us winning the midterms and keep the GOP in control.

          Liked by 3 people

  4. I feel so sorry for you feeling this way. I feel disgusted and alienated from this country. Thank gods for my detachment. I have never dreamed about Republicans. If I did dream about them, I would hope to dream about killing them.

    About your experiences of being bullied as a kid, the United States of America is mean. Just look at Andrew Jackson who made his reputation by slaughtering the indigenous inhabitants of North America with genocidal glee. He was elected president and lionized. He is still admired.

    Now comes the part where I try to make you feel better. You imagined how it must have felt to be living in Nazi Germany or Afghanistan. Just think about the fact that both countries recovered (at least Germany) and our country can and will. Of course we haven’t impeached him or stopped Kavanaugh. How could we with Republican legislatures. Just wait until November. It’s only a month away. The devil knows his time is short so his fury is great.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Of course we will recover (eventually), become a new country, or divide up into several new countries or whatever, but what happens in the meantime? Sure, Nazi Germany came to an end and democracy was restored (with our help, will anyone help us?) but look how much death and suffering occurred in the years before it fell. I’m scared about what might happen here before Trump’s evil empire finally falls.

      I agree with you the USA is a mean place and there has always been a streak of meanness from the very beginning. We are a very predatory people and have always oppressed groups of people for profit (slavery, Trail of Tears, etc.) It’s probably in our blood but it’s not anything to be proud of.

      Thanks for the pep talk though. It’s appreciated.


      • I thought to move to US too.But it has become a dangerous place.I hope Trump’s evil deeds will be put a full stop soon.My relatives in US know that Trump is bad but they don’t know that he is this bad.I read elections are controlled by Illuminati.No matter whom you all vote-Illuminati chooses the President.Hillary got more votes than Trump but Trump won.I hope same won’t continue this time.

        In India also situations are not good.Evil parents are killing their children and their spouses for marrying outcaste people,and the worst thing is people are supporting such parents.They think parents still love their children.In India mostly love means control.People of the Lie by M Scott Peck reminds me of Indian mentality.The good thing is I escaped from becoming a narcissist.I have BPD but it’s not severe.I had doubt like you whether I am also a covert narcissist but I realized I am not.It’s very sick and sad that this world is a victim of evil.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Actually, the Illuminati is an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory that’s been around for many years, and best ignored. Trump was elected by Electoral College, not the popular vote–an outdated and little-understood system which has been around since the founding of the USA. Many people want to abolish it and vote directly by popular vote, since the masses are much better educated now than they were back then, and since we’ve already seen two elections since 2000 go to the loser of the popular vote.

          I can’t imagine a parent killing their own child. 😦 That is evil.

          Liked by 2 people

        • I had no idea parents killing their children was a common thing in India. Isn’t it against the law there? I read People of the Lie too. Excellent book. It helped me identify my abusers for what they were.

          Read Nyssa the Hobbit’s comment about the Illuminati. I think she is correct about it being a conspiracy theory, though I’m not sure. I doubt it has anything to do with elections. Trump won for 3 reasons.
          Russian tampering with our election, the outdated Electoral College, and special interests within the US that threw money at his campaign such as the religious right and the Federalist society.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Laws in India are not strict.If punishments are strict in India then only people will fear to commit crimes.Murderers and Rapists are spared.They get life long jail term but they are not hanged.

            Liked by 2 people

  5. Thank you for writing this!

    We have to be honest when we feel worn out. I am sure you will fight back again when you’re ready. We can’t let the Trumpers get away with all the evil they’re doing!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Dear Lauren, I’m sorry, I did not read this, because my PTSD is at an overload right now with all the crazy stuff going on in the world. I will definitely be voting next month, though. Won’t be voting red.

    I came here to your blog today because I have been praying for the safety of your son, and all of the people living in the panhandle area of Florida. Have you heard from him? Is he okay?

    Liked by 2 people

    • I do appreciate your prayers and thoughts about my son. Yes, he is fine. He lives in Tampa, so he was far away from where the hurricane hit way up in the Panhandle. They got some wind and rain.
      Actually, we got hit worse here in NC, when the remnants passed through! I’m sorry your PTSD is acting up, mine is too. When/if this nightmare is over, the government should offer free mental health treatment to treat the epidemic of PTSD that this administration is causing so many people. I am glad you are not voting Red. I knew you wouldn’t.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I thought your son lived in the panhandle area. I’m so glad he doesn’t, it looks like life in that area won’t be back to normal for years.

        The weather is crazy all over. Here in New Mexico, we had temps in the mid 70s yesterday, with blue skies and sunshine. The week before, we had four days with temperatures in the 90s. But right now, more than an hour before sunset, our temps are in the 30s and Accuweather says that “heavy snow” will start in less than 30 minutes.

        These horrific hurricanes and crazy weather extremes are all part of global warming — which our commander in denial calls “fake news”.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Wow, summer to winter overnight for you! That’s crazy. Here, it’s actually fall like today, but it;s the first day that has been cool. It’s felt like summer and seemed weird that the trees were turning brown and losing leaves with such hot weather. Of course it’s part of climate change/global warming. It’s sad we have so many ignorant people who deny this scientific fact and as a result, put the whole planet and all of life on it in danger.

          Liked by 2 people

  7. You speak so well, and with such clarity for so many not just in the United States, but many areas globally. And then there is the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, the UN released this past week which predicts unstable planet events near 2040. These are indeed challenging times in so many ways. So important for eligible Americans to vote in November.
    Take good care of yourself. Excellent essay. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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