Some days it seems like they are winning. Now we even have State TV. The reason we had regulations were to keep something like that from happening. I feel like a character in Orwell’s 1984 and we are creeping closer to fascism every day.
Most days I feel hopeful. I want to think that goodness will always trump evil. I want to think most people have good hearts and can tell the difference between truth and lies. I want to believe there is a way out of this darkness and justice will prevail.
Other days I’m not so sure. They have so much power, so much money, and are taking over everything like a cancer. Today is one of those days. On days like this I feel like giving up. I feel like nothing will change and will only grow worse. I feel like I’ll never live to see my country as it used to be ever again.
I know that’s exactly what their intention is. To wear us down, exhaust us, make us give up, make us buckle under and become sheep who never complain, and just do as we’re told because we know there is no better choice.
I know I have to fight this malaise and negativity, but on days like this it’s so hard. I just feel so depressed and tired. I want to succumb to it, to let the darkness engulf me and take me down with it.
Maybe I should just ignore what’s going on, not read the news, but I can’t do that either. They want us to be ignorant. To ignore what’s going on is to become ignorant.
We are being threatened from the outside, and also from our own government. There is no safe place to retreat to, nowhere to run.
Somehow I have to maintain my desire to resist and push back against this assault on the people — their assault on me and everything and everyone I know and love feels so personal. But it’s getting so hard, and today I feel like nothing can be done and hope is gone. My C-PTSD has been retriggered by this president. It’s traumatizing to a lot of people, but especially those who have been through this kind of abuse on the personal level.
It’s only been 7 months and I feel numb. I feel like a prisoner on death row who is innocent of any crime but can’t get a fair trial, can’t get an appeal, so I just sit in my cell counting the days until they come to walk me down the green mile.