A few hours ago, I received a phone call from my son.  He told me to call my mother and said she had been trying to reach me for several days.   He said it had to do with my dad and was important. There were no notifications of any messages and I had not received any calls from her.   Even though I’m NC with my mom, I still felt terrible.   Of course I called her right away.

She told me my dad fell down on some pavement a few days ago, and there has been bleeding in his brain. He has suffered from Parkinson’s for a couple of decades, but recently  he’s been unable to keep his balance and is prone to falls.   He’s also very fragile at age 90.  He is unable to speak or move, and is being transferred to 24/7 hospice care, where doctors expect he will pass on.   However, his wife (not my mother) tells me that he is conscious because he will squeeze her hand to let her know he heard something and earlier today he opened his eyes.   My dad has always been in good health for his advanced age, in spite of the Parkinson’s, and has a strong will to survive.   So it does look hopeful but because he is so fragile and his brain could throw clots at any time, he might not make it.

I wish I felt more emotional than I do.  I haven’t had a lot of contact with my father in several years, and only speak to him a few times a year, but he always tires easily and doesn’t always make much sense when he can talk.   I feel like I’m going through the motions of a worried/grieving daughter, but I only feel a vague sadness, as if this happened to someone else’s father.  Of course I don’t want him to die, but I know it will happen pretty soon even if he survives this.   Because of our unfortunate family dynamics, where I’m so estranged from both my parents (my father less so), I feel very disconnected from family events and milestones and can’t work up a lot of emotion.    I’m glad he’s in good hands and has a devoted wife who takes care of him and friends who are checking in on him.

If you pray, please say a prayer for my dad’s recovery.