I want to change my name.

I never cared much for my first name. It’s a name that was immensely popular in the ’50s through the early ’70s (not so much anymore), so it’s one of those dated, middle-aged sounding names that will become another “Ethel” in decades to come. Its commonality and genericness made me feel like an uncreative blob of genericness myself. It’s one of those names parents slapped on their kids because they weren’t visionary enough to think of something more unusual or exotic, or because they just didn’t care enough so they picked whatever was popular at the time.

It also sounded ridiculous with my maiden name, very singsongy. I used to get teased about it constantly as a child. Bullies actually used the ease of which my name could be turned into a little melody and used it to taunt me. I haven’t forgotten that.

I still use my MN-ex’s last name, only because I hate my maiden name even more and because it actually sounds better with my first name. It makes my boring first name seem a tad more exotic at least.

So I don’t like my name too much. And that’s an issue, because your name becomes associated with you as a person, how you are perceived by others, and how you perceive yourself.

I never perceived myself as my true self with my name. It’s a person I never was, a person who was forever trapped in a greenhouse of narcissism, a person with no confidence, no joy, a person who felt like a victim, like an incompetent member of the human race, a person who lived in a state of high vigilance, terror and depressions as deep as the Mariana Trench.

That person is still there, but there’s another person taking her place.

A person who has moments of joy and pride, a person who has emotions besides fear, despair and anger, a person who is becoming interested in life and living, can care for others again, is cobbling together a goal, has faith that God doesn’t hate me after all, a person who is starting to think life ain’t so bad after all.

The other day, I started a LinkedIn account. I never started one before because the whole idea of a “networking site” for “professionals” and its association in my mind with greedy, snobbish, narcissistic Yuppies and their later incarnations made me want to stick two fingers down my throat. And yes, part of that resentment had to do with my poverty and lack of professional success (once I married my psychopath). I have a low paying job but even though I still work there, I feel like that’s temporary and there are bigger things on the horizon, things that involve what I love most: writing. Especially writing about narcissism because it’s such a pervasive problem today and so much suffering could be alleviated just with being educated about it.

But I digress. So I started the LinkedIn account under my future self, as a sort of promise to myself that I’m still getting better. I described myself as “blog owner and writer,” which is really what I am. At first I used my real name, but then something happened that put the fear of God in me.

Both my parents have LinkedIn accounts. Other family members do too. I don’t want my family to find my blog, and they easily could if they saw my LinkedIn account.

What happened was I got an automated suggestion to add my father as a “contact.”

HOW DID IT KNOW???

THEN I got two views by “members who choose to remain anonymous.” Huh? Mommy? Daddy?

I was super creeped out. I am NOT ready for them to see my blog. I write about them a lot and most of what I have to say is not complimentary. Not that any of that matters, you see, because it’s not like they don’t already see me as a batshit insane, unmotivated LOSER who turned Bad Choices into a career, but I’m just…not …ready.

Immediately the solution came to me. I needed to use a fake name; if the damage wasn’t already done maybe I could avoid it being done. I chose “Lauren Bennett” because I like the name Lauren–it sounds like the name of a woman with emotional strength and confidence. It sounds young. It sounds like the name of a successful, happy person.

I chose Bennett because it’s a family name. Gotta give a shoutout to the family there somewhere, at least to those members who don’t bother you too much.

I notice the name makes me actually feel different. When I’m using it, I FEEL like Lauren Bennett, a confident, happy, successful, loving woman, a woman who doesn’t walk through life like the Cowardly Lion being waterboarded. My real name is not that woman. My real name feels like a me that isn’t me anymore, a me I no longer want to be or even NEED to be.

Changing my name would also make it a lot less likely to be found on the Internet by people from my past I don’t want to associate with.

So here’s my request. I need advice on legally changing your name. Also any advice on how much this would put me back. I’m living on an extremely tight budget.