Ditziness and complex PTSD, BPD.

ditzy_comic

“She has no common sense.”
“She’s just a dumb blonde.”
“She’s kind of ditzy.”
“She never seems to know what’s going on.”

These are phrases I’ve heard said about me my entire life, and not just by my abusers. To most people, I do come across as a little ditzy or scatterbrained. It doesn’t help that I happen to be blonde, because blonde haired people have to work twice as hard as everyone else to be taken seriously, since the (false) stereotype that all blondes are intellectual lightweights doesn’t seem to be going away.

I prefer to think of myself as an Annie Hall type. You may remember the 1977 movie starring Diane Keaton as Woody Allen’s (brunette!) scatterbrained but quirky love interest. I think I talk and act a lot like Annie Hall. At least I like to think I do, because Annie had a lot of charm and was loveable too. She was also a lot smarter than she appeared.

annie-hall

It gets tiresome being thought of by others as less intelligent than I actually am (my IQ is actually very high) and I get self-conscious about appearing “dumb.” My self-consciousness only seems to make the problem worse though, because it causes me to make silly mistakes and do or say socially awkward, dumb things out of nervousness.

For over a decade I thought I had Aspergers, because not only am I socially awkward, I often seem to be “out in space” and not really aware of what’s going on around me. It’s hard to hide this from others, and sometimes people talk down to me in a patronizing or condescending way, believing I can’t understand simple directions or information.  I resent it when people do that.

dumb_blonde

I’m not an Aspie, and I definitely don’t lack intelligence.  But dissociation is a symptom of both complex PTSD and BPD, and this is what I think is happening when I seem to be off in some other universe. When you dissociate, you’re not really in your own skin, and are not present in the moment. You’re outside yourself, stuck in the future or the past, and not paying much attention to the material reality of the moment. As a child, my report cards alsways had comments like, “Lauren does not pay attention,” or “Lauren spends too much time daydreaming in class.” I wonder now if I was dissociated whenever I was daydreaming.

Dissociative episodes can be very scary, but if you spend most of your time only slightly dissociated, you might not even notice that anything is wrong. You’ll just come across as being a bit “spacey.”

Further reading:
Derealization and Depersonalization in BPD and NPD

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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6 Responses to Ditziness and complex PTSD, BPD.

  1. S says:

    I know a problem I had was that I took everything so concretely. Word for word but missing the implied meanings. I had much trouble interpreting my surroundings and ‘what was going on.’ Even the video of my wedding, you could hear me say while in the parking lot afterwards with the others, “What’s going on?” I think this came from narc mom telling me as I was growing up that I was always getting it wrong when I wasn’t. So I would then rely on her to tell me my reality for me completely trusting her. Therefore I could be lied to very easily and controlled as well. I’m starting to think that a so-called visual hallucination is something far out that the narc family is actually doing and if you speak it, you are told, “You’re seeing things.” And you know what? Your own family wouldn’t lie to you. Or would they?

    At work I was often accused of appearing to be, “In another country.” I think that’s the same as being out of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      Yes, I had that problem too. As a child I was extremely literal. (This is also a symptom of Aspergers which was another reason I thought I was Aspie). Here’s a great example of this: when I was starting 1st grade, my father said, “Are you looking forward to school?” I became very upset because I couldn’t “see” the school (looking forward to me meant being able to see it). I never trusted my reality either because like you, I was told a lot of lies and things were constantly being denied, so I couldn’t trust my own perceptions.

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  2. ADD produces similar results. In times of extreme stress I’ve had dissociative episodes and agreed. Not the best experience for anyone present.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dawn V. Cahill says:

    You do come across as intelligent in your writing. I act “scatty” a lot too, mainly due to damage from my family of origin, rather than lack of smarts.

    Liked by 2 people

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