Although I’m No Contact with all my narcissists, I still find myself oddly drawn to their barren and bleak souls, at least online. I read blogs written by narcissists because their minds fascinate me, even though I don’t understand them and will never understand them.
In the early 1980s, there was a horror movie called “Wolfen, ” which was set in the South Bronx of New York City. I lived in New York at that time and I remember taking the subway through the south Bronx several times on my way to other places. I’d stare out the dirty windows in horrified fascination at the blocks and blocks of decaying, burned out apartment buildings, abandoned lots full of rubble and garbage and broken glass surrounded by hurricane fences and sometimes topped with barbed wire. There was a harsh, desolate sort of beauty to the urban blight. Even on sunny days, the view was as gloomy and foreboding as if there was a perpetual storm festering overhead. I couldn’t imagine how anyone could live there, but people did. Although repulsed and afraid, I felt oddly drawn to the gloomy desolation.
I imagined getting out of the train and walking through one of those abandoned lots, staring up at the dark burned out tenements looming over me like demons vying for my soul. I imagined looking over my shoulder for murderers and rapists, but the only life to be found were half starved rats feeding on trash and carrion crows picking apart the entrails of the dead ones.
That’s what the mind of a malignant narcissist seems like to me: a menacing, creepy urban lot filled with death and decay and laden with potential dangers. I know there’s nothing good there, nothing I need or want. And yet I feel this odd attraction to it. I have to keep getting off that train and poking around like a curious cat. Maybe there will be a diamond among the rubble, or a starving kitten needing to be rescued. But of course there never is and never will be. Online, there’s a sense of safety. Unlike an actual urban lot, I can easily backspace if I feel myself drawn too far into the blight.