Respect my boundaries!

momanddaughter

My daughter is either a somatic histrionic narcissist (same as my mother) or has borderline personality disorder (BPD) in addition to diagnosed PTSD and bipolar disorder. She would be somatic if she’s got NPD because she’s obsessed with clothes and shopping and she takes more selfies than every Hollywood starlet put together in one room. She’s very attractive and she knows it and has been able to use her looks to get what she wants, at least from males.

But due to her intense mood swings and the fact she does show some empathy and remorse, then she’s also likely to be be a borderline, a related Cluster B disorder which is more common in women than in men (narcissism is more common in men) but has much in common with NPD. Whatever she is, she’s a high maintenance drama queen. I’ve joked with her that she’d be perfect for a reality show like “Bad Girls Club,” but to be honest, I could definitely see someone like her on a show like that!

Of course I love my daughter dearly and enjoy her company too (she can be a lot of fun and easy to talk to, which is why she makes friends easily) but her disorders definitely make her difficult to deal with, especially now that she’s moved back in with me.

She has been home for almost two weeks. Things have been going swimmingly (okay, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration) and there have been no real problems. I read her the riot act on her return and she agreed to some new rules. She does not appear to be doing drugs and is taking steps to get her life in order, including seeing a therapist this week. I told her if I saw pain pills or any other evidence of hard drugs, there was the door.

But tonight she invaded my boundaries. She had gone to the mall with some friends, and came home in an upbeat mood, which was fine, but my daughter also gets a little obsessive and impatient when she’s excited and happy, and has a bad habit of not respecting my boundaries. I also think she’d had a drink or two.

Because there are only two bedrooms (my roommate has the other one) and I took over Molly’s bedroom when she had moved in with Paul (and I won’t give it up!) she has been having to sleep on the couch in the living room. She’s turned it into a large bedroom and it actually looks nice, if a bit cluttered. I almost never have company anyway, so it’s not like I really need a living room.

But tonight when she got home at about 10:30 she wanted to pull some more of her things from my room (things she never uses and didn’t need tonight). I told her it was late, I have to be up early for work (and to drive her to the DMV) and I needed some alone-time before going to bed. I needed time online too. As an Aspie, she knows if I don’t get my “alone time” I get very cranky and snappish. I do not like my Aspie routine to be interrupted. She knows this well.

But she kept rummaging around in all the drawers and pulled boxes out of the closet, tossed shoes and bags and papers and stray clothes all over the floor, messed up my things in the process, and was making a racket doing so. I must have told her three times or more to please do this tomorrow, but she wouldn’t listen and kept saying “one more minute!” But it wasn’t one more minute, it wasn’t three more minutes or five or twenty: this shit went on for almost an hour. I was ready to scream and pull my hair out.

When she finally finished tearing my room apart looking for her things, she took them into the living room. Then she decided she needed to find a place to plug in her humidifier (she suffers from dry sinuses and mild asthma). She proceeded to start unplugging things from the wall, including the damned router. It took me another twenty minutes to get connected to the Internet again. I actually burst into tears of frustration (the kind of tears I shed more than any other kind–it’s almost impossible for me to cry when I’m sad).

It wasn’t that this was something that couldn’t be fixed easily, but I’d had more than enough. I was so stressed and completely frustrated with my daughter and the chaos she was creating and the boundaries she was violating due to her inability to wait for anything. She wants what she wants when she wants it.

In a near rage, tears streaming, I’m afraid I snapped and told her I wished she never moved back in because she had no respect for my boundaries or anything else. She started to cry, and I told her I was sorry and apologized. She asked me if I really meant what I said and I told her no truthfully. I explained again why I need my quiet time at night and why it was a bad time for her to decide to redecorate. She said she understood…but does she?

Time will tell.

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9 thoughts on “Respect my boundaries!

  1. Oh boy. I relate to what you’ve written here…. my son and his fiancee of 11 years and her adolescent daughter all moved into our house in July, 2013. My husband and I invited them to come here because they were having serious financial problems and had lost their home. Our house is small, so my husband (who is 6’3″ and 300 pounds), our 80 pound Cattle Dog, and I all moved into the 24′ x 8′ travel trailer we have in our back yard, leaving my son and his family to live alone in the house. We allowed them to live here rent free. We paid the utilities. We bought them groceries. We paid for my son’s emergency dental work. We bought warm winter coats and gloves for them. All we asked was that they ( my son and his fiancee) get jobs right away and save the money they were not having to spend on rent and utilities, so that in a few months they could get their own place. That, and no drinking and no drugging.

    It didn’t go good AT ALL. And that is really all I can bring myself to say.

    I don’t think anything hurts worse than having your own child turn out to be a heartless narcissist. Not that your daughter is that, as you said, she has the ability to feel empathy. But my son… oh, my son. I would gladly give up my life if doing that would make him be a good, decent, normal human being with a heart.

    Sending you a great big virtual ((HUG))

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    • Thanks so much for your kind words. I sure hope she isn’t an N, but her father who is MN used her as his flying monkey for years against me and I fear she may have been poisoned by him. This damn PD does run in families and my mother is one too. My daughter does show more characteristics of BPD though and they’re easily confused. Her other disorders cloud the issue too. He sure did a number on us.

      My son, thankfully, is fine, even though he was used as his father’s scapegoat. He’s surprisingly well mentally, with a few anxiety and anger issues but no PD that I can see. I’ve written about that under “MY Story”–there are links there for those posts.

      Hugs back to you, and I will keep your son and you in my prayers. Is he definitely an N?

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      • To answer your question, I don’t know for sure if my son is definitely a Narcississt… but I am afraid that that he is. After they had lived here rent-free for 10 months, with my husband and our big dog and me all living in our incredibly shrinking travel trailer in the back yard, my husband and I made the difficult decision to file for protection from abuse from my son and have him forcibly moved out of our house.

        We made this decision after much prayer and many tears, and after talking it over at length with our pastor and his wife, and with our associate pastor, and also with our wonderful therapist. Everyone was unanimous in advising us to file for PFA. The reason: my husband, who is 65, had a motorcycle accident that nearly cost him his right leg. Within a couple of weeks of my husband coming home from a 13-day stay in the hospital, while my husband still had a cast on his broken arm and was barely able to walk on his injured leg, my healthy 33-year-old son threatened my husband with his fists balled up in my husband’s face, because he did not like it when my husband told him that No, the two big stray dogs, one of which looked like a Pit Bull mix, that my son’s fiancee had picked up off the highway that day and had put in our back yard, could not stay here because they were trying to fight with our own dog when she needed to go outside to potty. Furthermore, my husband told my son that he needed to stop asking me for money. That was the point at which my son yelled at my husband and ran toward him with his fists raised.

        I told my son then that he had three days to vacate our house. I thought we were being more than generous in giving him three days! We knew he had some money saved, or at least, he had told us that he had some saved, plus his dad has more than enough money to help him financially, so it’s not like we were throwing them out to live in the street. But my son flipped out when I told him that he would have to leave. My son cursed at me, called me a F***ing B****, and then he actually called the police to complain that we were not giving him a 30 day notice to move out of our house… although he had never paid us a penny to live here!

        What devastated me the most was the realization that my son seems to have no heart, no concern for me or for my husband or for anyone else. After all we did for them — and we did a LOT — they did nothing for us in return. They didn’t even go with me to visit my husband during his 13 day stay in the hospital. My son just took and took. He did not even start looking for a job for over two months, he said he was depressed and needed a break from working. All he did was watch movies and play video games online. Then, after working part time at a job less than two months, he took another two months to look for another job — again claiming that he was too drepressed to look for work.

        When I gently told him that living in the tiny claustrophobic RV was proving to be much more difficult for us than we had imagined it to be, he very hatefully told me that our house isn’t the greatest place to live, either!

        About a month after the sheriff deputies had moved them out of our house, my husband stopped in to the store where my son had worked part time for about two months. As my husband was paying for his purchase at the counter he told the young female cashier, “My stepson used to work here,” and he said told her my son’s name. The cashier blurted out, “He’s an a**hole!”

        I would still lay down my life to save my son’s, in a heartbeat. However, that does not mean that he can live in our home and disrespect my husband or me, ever again. What hurts me the most about all of this is realizing that my son is not the fine young man I thought he was. He somehow had me fooled. It’s the saddest thing in the world, I think, when you realize that your child is not normal. How did it happen? Was it my fault? Was it his dad, who spoiled him all the time and turned him against me after our marriage ended? Is it genetic? My mother is an MN of the worst order, and my father wasn’t much better.

        I don’t know what caused it or whose fault it is, but it breaks my heart. My heart goes out to you and to any parent who has an adult child with traits on the borderline or narcissistic spectrum.

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        • Cluster B personality disorders usually hurt others more than they hurt the “sufferer” which is another reason they avoid therapy.

          Wow, that is some story about your son. I am not qualified to make a diagnosis of course, but he does sound like an N. Have you found out whether he might be on drugs or drinking heavily? Because that can make someone who isn’t an N act like one.

          If he’s clean and doesn’t drink too much, then he’s probably got NPD and you definitely did the right thing. He’s 33, not 13. A grown man who needs to learn responsibility and to stop mooching off his parents and acting abusive and entitled. He sounds a lot like my ex tbh.

          I understand how hard it is when you’re a parent with a child with such a disorder–you feel like you’re too blame, and wonder where you went wrong. I do that with my daughter all the time–what did I do wrong? I think it’s mostly her MN father to blame though–and it does run in families. It could even be genetic which means there is nothing you could have done. Don’t beat yourself up, just pray for him and hope he learns to be both independent and more considerate of others as he grows older.

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  2. The “One more minute”, is something I’m very familiar with. I think I went through something exactly like this with my daughter. I don’t feel it was a component of narcissistic disorder though, just very pain in the butt. I’m glad you showed her your boundaries and made her respect you.

    I personally wouldn’t have teamed that up with narcissism at this point. I’m glad she is seeing a therapist. One who is familiar with this stuff. I don’t believe in therapists anymore so I hope you have better therapists over there.

    I think its ok LO. She sees you as mom and not someone she should respect like everyone else. You have special standing with her lol, ok, I’m not kidding. That sounds like a real mess she made. If I were you I would definitely not overlook it, but see it in that perspective. JMO

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  3. I am glad you held to your boundaries. I would separate all her stuff so none is mixed in with yours in your bedroom and make your bedroom YOU-only territory. It would drive me crazy. I hope she understood why you were upset. How is your roommate dealing with things?

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    • She’s been good–I found her on Craigslist of all places so I had doubts. But she’s been here 3 months and is trustworthy and pays the rent on time and keeps the house clean (she’s on disability so isn’t working). She does talk a little too much but you can’t have everything. She does fine with my daughter who doesn’t invade her boundaries, just mine.
      She did apologize afterwards and was good today. She was sick though — there’s a stomach bug going around. I had to spray Lysol on everything.

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