I can’t even.

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tears

I was about to go to bed but decided to check my email one more time tonight, and read something unbelievable.

A person who had been reading my blog and says they are a narcissist wrote me a long email. To protect their privacy, I will not repost their email.

To paraphrase, she told me she knew she was a narcissist and felt like she didn’t deserve to live anymore. A few months ago she was ready to commit suicide. She confessed to me many of the things she’d done to hurt her husband, her kids, friends and family which I won’t go into detail about here to respect her privacy. She said she wants to change but doesn’t know how to stop. She tries, but it never works for long. She is also an ACON who had a narcissistic mother (and no father because he died when she was a child).

She’s been reading my blog for awhile and has never commented because she said she was too ashamed to even post under a handle on a public website, but she said my posts have given her so much hope that she decided not to kill herself and is starting to see a therapist who specializes in personality disorders. In the parlance of young people today, I can’t even.

I just have no words right now except tears. I’ll have to respond to her email tomorrow.

I can’t even tell you how amazing and incredible and magnificent and encouraging it is when someone tells me my blog has helped them or given them hope. I get choked up every time I hear something like that. But when it comes from a narcissist? That just proves to me there really is a God who loves every one of us.

Even if this person isn’t a narcissist, who cares? Whatever her problem, she feels better.

What an incredible gift. Who cares about spikes in stats or numbers of views, when THIS is what really, really matters.

16 thoughts on “I can’t even.”

  3. Absolutely. There is a reason why we blog and sometimes the reasons go way beyond what we even think. It’s so amazing.

    And I heard before that a narcissist will never make that claim, I don’t think she is a narcissist either. She feels too badly.

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    • Maybe I’m more optimistic than some people, but I think SOME narcissists (a minority) have what I call “moments of clarity” where they see how bad they really have been and that still, small voice inside lets them FEEL remorse and shame–but it usually doesn’t last very long. More likely if they lose their supply, they can undergo a narcissistic crisis and sometimes then they want to change.

      It doesn’t mean they CAN change though. I have never heard of any documented case of a narcissist getting cured. It may have happened but I have not ever heard of one. They can WANT to be cured but maybe still can’t be.
      Malignant narcissists and those who are psychopaths are probably beyond all hope.

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      • I know. I would never tell an ACON how to think. For me, it is too hard to believe and easier to accept them the way they are. Like with my N daughter, can she change? We had a very civil and clear conversation just today. But I’ve accepted her the way she is, and I try to just live with it. I’m not sure where she is on the spectrum, as there is no test for that. I think she is very low as I can see her personality. And I know who and what she is.

        But with my MN mother, there is nothing there but the evil. There is no one home inside that insidiousness. If she wasn’t evil, she wouldn’t even be herself but another person I wouldn’t even recognize.

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        • That’s how my mother is too–no one home, no way she could ever change. Evil to the core. Any niceness you would see from her is fake, a mask.

          I thought you said your daughter was an MN, then you say she is low on the spectrum, I’m confused. I don’t think a MN can be low on the spectrum.
          A MN probably can’t ever be cured because whatever’s left cannot be reached, even by the person themselves. They would have no insight.
          That’s why I don’t think Sam V. is malignant. I think he’s high on the spectrum but not enough to be malignant because if he was there would be no insight. I do see goodness in him.

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  5. Sorry, I want this response to go with my other one. Sorry for the confusion. Malignant means a predator. I think my daughter is a predator, therefore MN. The great conversation I did have with her today makes me rethink that position. Maybe she is lower. Her diagnosis was narcissism only. I hope that makes sense. There is a terrible evil inside, but well, she can possess a virtue of humanity if that makes sense. I don’t think she is at all like my mother. So yah, I basically flop between the two. I would like to get this sorted out though.

    I don’t know anything about Sam Vaknin. He does possess a great knowledge of his condition, so maybe he is drawing from that. His feelings are sensitive as we have seen. That doesn’t make him malignant. But I can see it in his face. It is evident in his features. He looks like my mother, I would swear we are related. It’s like it’s a common genetic link. I hope he doesn’t feeling insulted by this but I swear I can see it.

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    • Yikes! o__o
      I don’t think he looks “evil” but if he looks like your mother, then I’m sure that could put bad vibes in your head. I don’t know that much about him either, I’m still trying to figure him the heck out. Why that’s important to me, I have no idea. I think I’m actually going to make a little post about that later.

      As for your daughter, I understand the confusion. I go through that with my daughter too. There are days I am sure she is MN or even psychopathic. But then other days she seems like a completely different person, empathic and remorseful. So I think she could be Borderline. Borderlines are personalities that have never really gelled together. They are all over the place.

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  6. I think she may have narcisstic traits but perhaps may not be malignant and her conscience is crying out. I am glad you were able to help her. She could be BPD or something like that instead. Remember narcissism is on a spectrum as you know. I hope she can get a good therapist and that she can repent and start over. There is always hope. Here having some insight is a good sign. I have dealt with MNs that have absolutely NONE. I will pray for her.

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    • I was thinking she could be BPD. People with BPD actually can be cured because they have more insight than those with NPD. I think my daughter is probably borderline too but am not 100% sure. She is seeing a therapist this week though! šŸ™‚ Maybe we can get a diagnosis.

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