People who don’t know much about NPD confuse narcissism with physical vanity. If you say the word ‘narcissist’ to them, they visualize a glamorous woman preening in the mirror or trying on 10 different outfits and spending an hour on her makeup before she goes out. Or they picture a buff man with a well defined six pack, lifting weights in front of a mirrored wall.

The confusion is understandable. But not all people who seem to obsess over their appearance or fitness are narcissists. And of course, not all narcissists are physically vain. In fact, most cerebral narcissists care nothing about their appearance.

If a vain person is a narcissist, they are of the somatic subtype. My mother was this type of narcissist, and many of them do spend a lot of time looking at themselves in the mirror, working out at the gym, or constantly shopping for new clothes. But they are in the minority. Most narcissists, even somatic ones, don’t spend a lot of time doing these things. Their narcissism isn’t defined by how much time they spend preening before a mirror, but by their lack of empathy, self-centeredness, and their propensity to manipulate others to get what they want. Some of the most out of shape, slovenly looking people you could imagine are narcissists. And some of the most physically fit and well-dressed and groomed people are not.

A gorgeous woman who spends several hours a day trying to look perfect is not a narcissist if she also cares about the feelings of others and is making herself look good for her husband, boyfriend or herself. But if the same woman tries to look perfect because she wants to attract a man who is married to another woman–and feels no shame about this–then she is a narcissist.

There is nothing wrong with interest in one’s physical appearance. Most of us want to look attractive. For some people, it’s almost a hobby. An attractive man or woman usually knows they’re attractive, but that doesn’t automatically make them narcissists.

The only danger with having too much interest in your physical appearance is you may fail to develop other qualities that make you a more well-rounded, interesting person. Getting older will be tough for a person who has failed to develop their mind or their personality because their appearance was their first priority. A person only interested in how they look is also a very boring person. But they may not be narcissistic, just vain.

I used to know a beautiful woman who spent all her money on clothes and makeup, and worked out at the gym every day. People used to accuse her of being vain and narcissistic, but she was also one of the most sincere and sweet people you could ever hope to meet. Her vanity, in fact, was due to her anxiety that she didn’t look good enough for her overly critical, narcissistic husband. This woman was codependent and worked hard to please him, and that meant she had to look like a fashion model at all times–and it still was never good enough for him.

When her husband finally divorced her for a younger woman, she became depressed and let herself go. She gained about 50 pounds, stopped styling her hair, and stopped wearing makeup. It was hard to believe she was the same person. Eventually she recovered from her depression enough to start caring about her appearance again, but this time it wasn’t an obsession. She also began to develop her interest in art and signed up for art classes at the local community college. Today she looks attractive again, and has a fashion style all her own that reflects her artistic style.

Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes. Some are obsessed with their appearance, but the vast majority are not. Don’t dismiss someone as a narcissist just because they seem to spend too much time on their physical appearance. Like the woman I described above, they may not even be doing it for themselves.