I guess I’m feeling like a victim today. Both this and my last post are all about me wallowing in self-pity. Eh, I’ll get over it but I need to vent. This will be short though.
After that out of the blue attack on my character on another blog a few days ago, I told myself I wouldn’t let it get me down. I told myself I’ve grown a lot and have a lot more courage than I did a year ago, the last time this happened. I told myself that as a blogger, I need to grow some balls and accept the fact that I will have haters.
I lied I guess, because for the past couple of days, I just haven’t felt like posting, at least not anything too personal. My loss of motivation has everything to do with this vicious and unwarranted attack on me. I set my other blog (Down the Rabbit Hole, which is more personal in nature than this one and was the source of the post that was used against me) to private and will probably keep it that way for awhile; I have no idea for how long. Because it’s so personal I don’t have the courage yet to make it public again right away.
This pisses me off–a lot. How dare this hypocritical person take away the one thing that keeps me going? How dare this horrible individual make me set my writings to private and make me feel the toxic shame all over again? And anyway, shame for WHAT? For writing a post that made me seem TOO VULNERABLE? Why should that be shameful? It isn’t, of course, but my programming tells me it is, and I got triggered.
I know it’s my own choice to inhibit myself and set blogs to private, and really, this narcissistic person can’t do much other than continue to post negative stuff about me on their blog. If I don’t look, I won’t be hurt or angered–and I haven’t looked. A year ago, I would have *had* to look, so one way I’ve changed is I’m able to resist the temptation to see what the haters are saying. I never used to be able to do that.
I know this will be the topic in therapy the next time I go. I still let narcs get to me way too much. I still have such a long way to go.
The picture of the wolf head at the beginning of this post, I find inexplicably hilarious. Laughter is always great medicine! Thank God for my sense of humor.