I should stay the hell off Facebook.

thanks_bitch

I’ve hated Facebook for a long time, and last night reminded me of one of the biggest reasons why.   My mother’s entire side of the family is on Facebook, and of course I just *had* to go look at their profiles and see what everyone is up to.   I don’t know why I do that, since every time I do, I’m always blindsided by a tidal wave of envy.  Last night was no exception.

A niece, who is twenty years younger than I am, appears to have a storybook life, at least the way she presents herself on Facebook.  She appears to have all the following going for her: She is happily married, her adorable  husband just opened a high-end restaurant to rave reviews, they just finished building a house near the ocean, she gave birth to a third perfect child a few months ago (natural childbirth, of course), her children are disgustingly beautiful, she always looks fit and well put together, she always looks ecstatic in her photos, and she gets a ton of comments–like hundreds of comments from their scads of friends and of course the extended family–telling her how beautiful and perfect she and her family and everything else are.  Oh, and they just got back from a vacation too.  She has the love and acceptance of my mother and all of her extended family.  And she’s not alone.  Everyone else on that side of the family seems to have a perfect life too.   I always imagine (and probably imagine correctly) that they all look down on me.

Do I sound envious?  I guess you could say I am.   I don’t have the sort of happy, successful, perfect, monied life my mother and her extended family value.  Because I “failed,” I’ve been devalued and am seen as an embarrassment and source of shame, which is the real reason why I’m never invited to any family functions, not that I’d go anyway.   The sad thing is, as the family scapegoat, I was set up to be the family black sheep and never be able to have a life like that.

I need to quit Facebook.  I really hate it.  All that perfection makes me want to HURL!

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About luckyotter

Recovering from BPD and C-PTSD due to narcissistic abuse from childhood. Married to a sociopath for 20 years. Proud INFJ, Enneagram type 4w5. Animal lover, music lover, cat mom, unapologetic geek, fan of the absurd, progressive Catholic, mom to 2, mental illness stigma activist, anti-Trumper. #RESISTANCE
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36 Responses to I should stay the hell off Facebook.

  1. Diana says:

    I think most people exaggerate their lives on FB but I am like you, I practice not to look at their FBs too painful and I don’t ever know with them what is true and what is a lie as they all lie on a regular basis. We scapegoats should never look at the family members’ FBs that threw us away. If I didn’t have God in my life it would be such a horrible festering wound but I take the bible literally and know who I am in Christ and they aren’t but pretend to be. I really think you are one of the few jewels in your family lineage and they are too unhealthy to see that. Don’t look anymore they don’t deserve your time or pain on their behalf. ❤

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I tend to take time off from Facebook for a month or so at a time for similar reasons.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Me too. Most of the time, I just share my posts there, I don’t get too involved. I won’t share this one there though, LOL!
      Always too much drama on FB anyway. I like Twitter much, much better.

      Like

  3. Lucky,

    I love the *had* I thought that was cute and I knew what you meant.

    Once again, you are sooo honest. But you know, these narcs are about appearances and that’s exactly WHAT pictures on FB are. Appearances. But, I know what you are saying. Just know that none of them have the wholeness of person and character that you do. Plus, you live in the truth.

    The niece part would bother me. Because she is younger and came after you.

    I always thought that if I had gotten my share of the inheritance everybody would be living lesser lives than they are. But that’s the thing. All of the people put together, each one would have had some less and I would have been more equal to them. In other words, everyone would have been ok. But no, they need their someone to look down on.

    We actually in their minds serve the purpose for other people to see. We wear the family shame for the onlookers you know. But you know who they don’t fool? The true wealthy. They are privy to the scapegoat game I’m sure. Healthy families don’t have one. So the true wealthy know they are fakes.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      What you said is true. I’m so used to this I’m actually over it for the most part. It bothered me last night and this morning, but I still wanted to write about it, because I know so many family scapegoats go through this very same thing all the time. It does suck, though.
      Yes, they need someone to carry the family shame, and we have been selected because of our sensitivity, or something. I don’t know the reason why, really. But the good part of it is, we have all found each other. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes and together we are stronger! I had a therapist refer me to the tale Town Musicians of Bremen. It’s a cute little story where the outcasts(they are animals in the tale), work together and outsmart the villains. It’s really cute. It doesn’t take long as it’s a short story. If you don’t know it you should read it.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I have had to back off from FB as well; it just gets me way too depressed, and I don’t need any help getting depressed — I can accomplish it just fine on my own. I use FB mostly for playing Scrabble, which is one of the ways I maintain what little remains of my sanity.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. nowve666 says:

    Anyone can envy such a life. The reason it hurts is the fact that you’re related and have history with her and the rest of them. If you can only look at her as a random stranger, it wouldn’t have to hurt. So some people have it better than others. I envy your niece too but it doesn’t hurt me. Does this make any sense?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The key word in all of that was “appears”.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. It’s all an illusion. What you have is worth much more.

    🐻 💜

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Susan says:

    I understand totally. I feel the same. I was scapegoated to NOT have that life too just as you said
    and all my siblings went on to have homes and families! it does make me feel so off… and I know how I look to them as well
    it makes me feel like they don’t have the right
    or like its fake.. its real… but… we know “who” they are and “we” KEEP their “dirty little secret” still to this day when we see stuff like that
    your feelings are normal even though they suck and hurt…
    but as I recall you DO have a family:) I know you have a son!?:)?
    I mean I was so messed up I wouldn’t even have children at all! so now I have to face that.. (at 42 now) and I love all my nieces and nephews …but its hard because I know who their fathers are..
    at the same time I call it a dirty secret..,we are burdened to keep.. in a way we never even wanted..its a power over them too
    we don’t go to the family functions.. not really because.. they don’t want us there because they don’t” like” us.. but because we are a constant reminder to them of who THEY are…
    their perfect world is not so perfect in our presence…as they remember how they treated us…and what we must be thinking/feeling inside
    its a constant struggle for me
    wether they like it or not we are as much a part of the family unit and as important as any member, even father mother! I am STILL deeply studying the scapegoating thing because I don’t get it
    I read many artciles on it because its in the Bible. it happened to us.. AND I find that since my own blood fam scapegoated me . I must have a sign on my head that says it and even strangers do it to me too
    ive been lead to wonder… as far as blood goes.. is this then the HUMAN family.? the whole damned thing!? lol
    ??
    total strangers..co workers..friends, ex’s,the church..even people of other religions.. ALL feel they can do it to me in the same manner…
    its got me feeling this horrendous brick wall stubbornness feeling that I just want to release. its torture and too much to carry,
    to let go of whatever it is im trying to let go of..feels stubborn to me because I take it as a DOUBLE scapegoating or a reverse one….like I am also responsible for IT… I must be scapegoated and THEN atone for it.. and THEN be scapegoated for being scapegoated…
    its too much yet.. I cant rage at them
    I think what it means is I really want them all in a room to scream at
    but I did that already..as a teen/young adult.. at least I can say I did it,but their reaction was like..she’s crazy we are innocent
    instead of any acknowledging so
    they leave us with it. I prefer a release. I used to be happy.. not because of them but in spite of them.. and now a bitter root is killing me…I AM being blamed for them not being the reason I was happy
    how awful is that
    that’s not my fault!
    to daughter Zion Jeremiah 12:6
    “your father and your brothers all raised their voices at you, they shouldn’t have”copy paste a few versions below…
    we will get to the bottom of this and face it to its FACE at the core! its been written for THOUSANDS of years! if youre religious or not.. here on this blog..this has been a human situation all along!

    Your relatives, members of your own family– even they have betrayed you; they have raised a loud cry against you. Do not trust them, though they speak well of you.

    New Living Translation
    Even your brothers, members of your own family, have turned against you. They plot and raise complaints against you. Do not trust them, no matter how pleasantly they speak.

    English Standard Version
    For even your brothers and the house of your father, even they have dealt treacherously with you; they are in full cry after you; do not believe them, though they speak friendly words to you.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      My situation was really crazymaking, since I served as BOTH scapegoat and golden child as a kid…parents turned against me as an adult (my father less so, but I’m still disinherited, as far as I know). Now I’m just a scapegoat.
      I don’t dwell on it because I can’t…it makes me too angry when I think about it too much.
      Yeah, I have two kids, they are great. Maybe not huge “successes” but they are still pretty great, and I have a good relationship with them. I feel pretty blessed to have that.
      Yeah, being a member of one of these toxic families sucks big time. All I can ask is, WHY, God, WHY? Why me?

      Like

  9. Bradley says:

    I have a t-shirt that says:

    “I hope someday your life will be as perfect as you say it is on Facebook.”

    Liked by 1 person

  10. katiesdream2004 says:

    I’m so glad you shared this! Facebook is such a trap and trigger I’ve had moments of absolute rage or shame. The politics of liking or not liking posts is sometimes humiliating. And I despair of how poor I feel when relatives flaunt their wealth and perfect appearing lives. Recently blocked my siblings we weren’t friends but they chum up with relatives in such a way that I feel a jagged little blade near my heart of being left out. Seriously thinking of deleting my account. If people want to be friends maybe they could take a few minutes to email. It’s a pseudo relationship s anyway
    Those neices or nephews that won’t friend me because my siblings actually told them not to all to have nothing to do with me are friends with my children. One of the nieces told me she had to unfriend me to keep peace with her mother. The others never bothered with my friend request. I get to watch them banter back and forth while I am not allowed to be part of the family. I didn’t tell my children to not friend my siblings and
    I don’t fill them in on a life of scapegoating from these people. It’s the high road on my part but fb only rubs in my sense of being the unwanted one. Seriously thinking of signing off and getting more involved in real living

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Tikeetha T says:

    Your life is not her life and your trials and tribulations are scars that tell your testimony of how you overcame. No one’s life is perfect and yours is just more interesting. Stop following her posts. I’ve done that to people. Not block or unfriend them, but their posts don’t appear in my feed.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m always taking long Facebook breaks because it gets me down how much the narcs in my husband’s family present a perfect face and everyone believes them. Not that I reasonably expect the in laws to share about the broken family relationships, the nasty disagreements, etc. I unfollowed them ages ago but I still go check their profiles anyway. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      I prefer the relative anonymity of Twitter. I get news that way and don’t get anything in my feed I don’t want to see. I also get more followers on Twitter than I ever have on FB. Of course, on FB it’s my choice to click on profiles. I really should just stop doing that. Bad habit.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve found WordPress and Instagram helpful. I have two Instagram accounts, one that’s censored for friends & family and one where I’m more myself. (Censored in the sense that I’m not letting family in on who I really am because quite frankly they don’t deserve the best of me, I realise that now). WordPress I’m more honest… I just hope the computer illiterate narcs won’t stumble across my site!

        Like

  13. mandibelle16 says:

    You don’t know what is beneath her FB image. I have a friend like that and now she is battling stage 4 breast cancer for a year. It really put things in perspective. Sorry for your family problems!

    Liked by 1 person

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