The awkwardness of being a Borderline ACON.

awkward-1

I won’t lie.  It’s incredibly awkward being a blogger who blogs about two things that seem diametrically opposed to many people in the narcissistic abuse community:  being a victim of narcissists, and having a Cluster B disorder (BPD).   To those of you who aren’t familiar with the ACON (adult children of narcissists) blogosphere,  there are a few ACON bloggers (not too many on WordPress, fortunately) who seem to think if you have BPD then you can’t also be an abuse victim and certainly shouldn’t be blogging about it.  Because, you see, if you have BPD then you are one of the soulless abusers.  If you are any kind of “cluster B person” blogging about abuse, then of it follows that you must have an “agenda.”  What that agenda is is never specified though.

I have been accused of many things, none of which are pretty, and few of which are true. Most are crass generalizations made out of ignorance and a refusal to think outside the box or consider that not everything is all black or all white or that all people can be shoved into a box. .   Here are just a few of the things I’ve been accused of.

  1. I have an “agenda” and dishonest motives.
  2. I am not really an abuse victim.
  3. I am being paid off or otherwise compensated  other people (like Sam Vaknin) or psychiatric organizations (like the APA) to promote my “evil” views and blur the lines between Cluster B disorders and complex PTSD caused by abuse.
  4. I’m “evil.”
  5. I’m crazy.
  6. I’m confused.
  7. I only care about being “popular”
  8. As a Borderline, I have “no right” to be writing posts about narcissistic abuse.

To these accusations,  here are my responses:

  1. Um, no.  I’m not clear what “agenda” it is I’d be trying to promote. My only “agenda” is healing for myself, fun (because I love to write), and hopefully, helping a few others along the way.
  2. I guess some people never really read this blog because it’s filled with personal accounts of narcissistic abuse by both my family of origin and my ex-husband.   Oh, that’s right.  I’m just making it all up. 🙄   I couldn’t make up these accounts if I tried.  I try not to dwell too much on the abuse though, because doing that doesn’t help me and only makes me miserable.  That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, though.
  3. This really makes me scratch my head.   It almost makes me laugh how far a few people are reaching by saying this.  The only monetary compensation I get is about $30 – $40 a month from running ads on this blog.   I still live in poverty and I don’t have any kind of shady business dealings with any organization or person.  I write this blog because I want to.
  4. That’s quite a value judgment there.   You don’t even know me.   I don’t point fingers and call anyone evil unless I have real good reason to, and even then I’m hesitant because I don’t want to be a judgmental person (I can’t stand judgmental people).   I think it’s always better to use the term “evil” for actions, not people.   I guess this idea that I’m evil is because I’m zOMG “Cluster B.”  I’m not a narcissist (even if I do have a few of the traits) and I’m not antisocial and I do have empathy and an almost excessively strong conscience.   But some people have the idea that even if you’re a self-aware borderline who practices mindfulness, you’re still as bad as one of the narcs.  “Sociopath” is another thing I’ve been called but it means pretty much the same thing.
  5. Maybe there’s a bit of truth to this.  After all, I do have four mental disorders–BPD, complex PTSD,  Avoidant PD, and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I can act pretty crazy sometimes too.   But at least I’m self-aware crazy and can see myself pretty objectively and control my urges to act crazy when they get out of hand. But just because you don’t agree with me doesn’t mean I’m crazy.  I just have a different opinion than you do.  Deal with it.
  6. There’s also some truth to this.    It is VERY confusing being both an abuse victim and having a Cluster B disorder, even though the Cluster B disorder was caused by abuse!   And like it or not, I DO think BPD and complex PTSD are almost the same disorder.   Of course, this is just my opinion and no one’s paying me off or brainwashing me to “blur the lines.”
  7. No.  My primary motive in blogging is healing myself and helping people.   A secondary motive is fun.    Yes, of course I look at my stats and always get a small thrill when they’re growing, but I don’t write to be popular or famous.  Yes, I’d like to write a book someday and be able to make a living from my writing, but who wouldn’t?   Even if I never make a penny from my writings and even if no one read my blog, I’d still be doing it because it’s something I really like to do.
  8. As a Borderline, I *AM*  victim of narcissitic abuse.  (see reply #6).  ANYONE who was an abuse victim and wants to heal from the damage they endured has EVERY right to blog about it, and yes, that even includes people with self aware NPD!

me_and_my_evil_crazy_me_in_minecraft_by_sonatathesiren-d90wfu7
“Me and My Evil Crazy Me” (Minecraft image by Sonatathesiren)

I know my opinions are sometimes controversial and won’t sit well with everyone, but unless I’m presented with a convincing argument to discard my personal beliefs and opinions, they aren’t going to change.   I ‘m a critical thinker who likes to explore all angles of an issue and then form my own opinions when I’ve gathered enough information.  I’ve always walked to the beat of my own drummer, rather than mindlessly following what other people tell me I “should” do or believe.   Being a “lone wolf” who walks to the beat of my own drummer and refuses to conform to the “popular” view is one of the biggest reasons why I was ostracized by so many people all my life–including my own family.  But you know what?  I don’t care.  This is who I am and I’m going to keep running with it.     I seriously don’t understand why people who dislike my opinions and views so much keep reading my posts anyway if it’s only going to make them angry.  No one is forcing my opinions on those people. Just hit the backspace button!  It’s easy.

I’m aware some people have a problem with this because it doesn’t fit into the almost cult-like mentality I’ve seen among certain (fortunately only a few) ACON bloggers. If you piss them off, be prepared to be mobbed. Maybe they’ll leave you alone on your own blog but make no mistake–they will be trashing you and your character on their own blogs. At the same time, there are so many more people (and bloggers) who appreciate my reluctance to put people into boxes and think in only black and white terms.  There are many beautiful shades of grey in between the extremes.  That’s one of the best takeaways of moving away from BPD black and white thinking and replacing that with critical thinking and mindfulness.  If that’s evil and crazy, then evil and crazy I guess I will be.   But I really don’t think it is.

balance

Many people have told me my more open-minded approach has been refreshing and has helped them come to terms with the abuse they had to endure and move past the rage and anger they felt coming out of their abusive relationships, or when they went No Contact. At the same time, one of my aims has become reducing the awful stigma against people suffering from BPD. It’s a delicate balance, but I don’t think it’s undoable.

Being a borderline and a trauma victim who writes about narcissistic abuse issues as well as my own (and other) cluster B disorders,  it’s sometimes a delicate balance.   But they are not mutually exclusive.   I  feel driven to write  about my disorders as they relate to my abuse and attempt to reconcile them because I need to for my own sanity and healing.

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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18 Responses to The awkwardness of being a Borderline ACON.

  1. Yeah, I question the sanity and personalities of the people trashing others more so than question those being trashed. In fact it never occurred to me to be so paranoid to think you had some sort of agenda. But I’m not paranoid and have my own life to focus on rather than what someone else is doing, unless it’s effecting me directly.

    Finger pointers and bullies are the ones who are usually the narcissists, borderlines and anti-social types and they have the habit of accusing others of what they themselves are doing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      Unfortunately there are narc abuse victims who seem to like to gang up and bully other bloggers they disagree with, which makes me wonder…if you know what I mean. 😉 Don’t get me wrong–the ACON community is an incredible blessing and wonderful because it gives the abused a voice, but yes, there are narcissists among the victims too, or at least behaviors that seem narcissistic. Maybe they’re not aware of how narc-ish their behavior is, but it’s pretty obvious when you become aware of it. I’m not saying they’re actually narcs though–they could just have bad “fleas”or traits. But they don’t seem aware they’re using all the defense mechanisms and other techniques real narcs use to decimiate someone they disagree with.

      Liked by 1 person

      • This: “they don’t seem aware they’re using all the defense mechanisms and other techniques real narcs use to decimiate someone they disagree with.” Exactly.

        My sister is a perfect example of these defense mechanisms. She grew up in the same household I did and I’m what I would call an ACON. So…

        Liked by 2 people

  2. If blogging about your disorders is cathartic and helping you to heal, you’re not alone. Many people do it without some hidden agenda. Only you know your motives; forget what others say, and stop giving them air time. Best wishes! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ibikenyc says:

    I have a LOT more to say about this, but right now I’ll say that IMO one very obvious reason for that kind of shit is their PROJECTION! It’s actually hilarious in a way, although that could be just my own weird sense of humour!

    Also, can ya say, “WAAAAY too close to home?”

    My Captor of twenty-plus years is a TEXTBOOK Borderline “raised” by the sort of “parents” about which they make Discovery HD true-crime programs. He has MANY strongly-narcissistic traits.

    Having the shit beaten out of you, both literally and spiritually, CAN do that to a human being.

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      It sure can! I’m glad you understand. At one point I almost took down this blog because of how intimidated I felt when I was mobbed. I’m sure that would have made them happy. ALl my old fears and insecurities came back. I was so afraid to be “disliked” back then. But it’s my blog and I have readers who do like what I have to say and why should I censor myself to please some people who would probably keep finding fault with me anyway? That would be crazy–it would only be replaying the dynamics I had with my own abusive family and my marriage. I’m still trying to come to terms with having haters–and not taking it so personally. I just refuse to read what they write about me anymore, because it’s soul destroying. I know it’s out there, but I’m getting very good at “not looking.” LOL!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. You’re doing a great job! Keep blogging, and I’m sorry you’re getting such horrible feedback from some people. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      I know it’s out there, but I don’t read it because I know it will hurt my feelings and inhibit my writing. One way I’ve changed is I no longer “need to know” the negative things people might be saying. WHy torment yourself? I just go along and do what I do and if people want to natter among themselves, let ’em. I’m not going to let that affect what I do.

      Liked by 4 people

  5. I LOVE your blog, Lucky. I remember when the haters mobbed you, it was horrible. Those same haters mobbed me, too, for sticking up for you. They were as vicious and evil in their verbal abuse as the most malicious narc sociopathic abuser I ever encountered in real life. Their abuse was so hurtful, that I did take down my blog.. twice.

    But now, like you, I have learned to ignore them. I am so glad you are still here, doing what you do best. We may not agree on every single issue, mainly about your idea that BPD and Complex PTSD are close or even the same thing. I don’t agree with that at all, but I am content for us to agree to disagree. You are awesome, regardless of this one issue. And anyway, I could be the one who is wrong. Only God is never wrong.

    The main reason I disagree with you about BPD and Complex, or Developmental, PTSD being the same, is because of what Dr. Paul Meier, the well known psychiatrist who diagnosed my PTSD, told me. Dr. Meier, who has authored or co-authored over 100 books, many of which are best sellers, said that although my extremely traumatic childhood “should have caused me to become borderline,” after evaluating me via several hours of psychological and physical tests, Dr. Meier concluded that I do not have BPD because, he said, I am “too nice to be borderline.”

    After a lifetime of being put down by haters/abusers, Dr. Meier saying that I am too nice to be borderline was like healing balm for my soul!

    Dr. Meier also told me, very emphatically, that I am very sane and very strong to have survived all that I have gone through. Remember when the ACON bullies were leaving messages here on your blog telling you that I am a crazy psycho? (That was back when I was blogging under the pen name Alaina.) That really hurt my feelings! But then I remembered that these hateful bloggers have never met me in real life, they never gave me any kind of professional psychological tests, and — hello! — they are not licensed psychiatrists! But Paul Meier, MD, has several doctorates to his name, I forgot how many. He is the founder and head of a nationwide chain of mental health clinics. Like I said, many of his 100+ books are best sellers. He has been on Oprah and many other talk shows. I met with him face to face every morning for a personal one hour therapy appointment during the two weeks I was in his clinic. He had me take several hours worth of psychological and physical tests. He had been practicing as a psychiatrist for over thirty years when I was his patient, and so….

    …I think that if Dr. Paul Meier says that I am not insane or psychotic, and if he also says that I am “too nice to be borderline,” despite my history of extreme, repeated, early childhood trauma, then I am going to believe that his diagnosis of me is true, instead of all the hate talk spewed forth by a handful of self proclaimed ACON bloggers.

    Lucky, after reading your blog for a year, I believe that if you could be evaluated by Dr. Paul Meier the way I was in 2003, he would also say of you that you are “too nice to be borderline.”

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      I think it’s the same gang (well one of them anyway) but I refuse to read what they say. I didn’t open it up to look so I don’t know for sure what has been said and I don’t care either. I’m glad I’m on WP and not on another content management system I won’t mention. 😉
      I remember the way you got attacked too, I thought it was terrible.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Diana says:

    Amen. If I find a blogger or writer I am not feeling for whatever reason I just move on and do not read their blog or their book etc. I an an abuse victim and do not have BPD but I have found it interesting and inspiring what you share in dealing with both. Not being a BPD doesn’t mean I don’t have challenges to work on within myself as a human. We all do. People are cruel and silly sometimes. I think if their motives were pure they would just not read your blog and would move on instead of taking time to keep reading and reaching out to criticize you. Keep doing you : )

    Liked by 2 people

    • luckyotter says:

      I agree. You’re right, we all have challenges to work with and we could all stand to improve, and that’s why I do the things I do to get there. I’m motivated! All I want is to be happy. I think that’s all anyone should really want.

      Liked by 1 person

      • The sad thing is how many people think that in order to be happy, they have tear other people down and try to destroy the happiness of others.

        Liked by 1 person

        • luckyotter says:

          I know. I don’t get it. They are miserable themselves and hate to see anyone else happy, I guess.

          Liked by 1 person

        • S says:

          That’s right Linda. I’ve always waited my turn as I’ve admired others and never harmed them but rather improved myself. Some people think the only way they can climb is to take down others so that then they will appear to be more. I heard a narc say that once but they left out the words appear to. They actually believe it to be true. They break every rule to accomplish this. They wanted things not now, but yesterday! It hurts them that someone is more than them at the moment.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. katiesdream2004 says:

    It takes a lot of courage to blog, I”ve admired yours. Your willingness to confront two very explosive issues and do so in a fair and balanced way is refreshing. I read your posts to get encouraged and refreshed, this doesn’t mean I agree with every word but there is enough truth here to feed me. The thing about NARCs, — they are not content to just ignore you, they have to destroy you too.. So those folks that can’t just think “hmmm I don’t agree” and move on may be exhibiting some of those “search and destroy” tendencies I’ve experienced with NARCs.

    I’ve taken down some blogs in the past because it felt too vulnerable in the world after having experienced a “flamewar” At one time I was on a self-help bulletin board. I’d never heard of the term flamewars. This was before I understood the world of narcissism, or what a “troll” was or cyber bullying. My then husband a NARC and I both wrote on the same support board, we were both liked and then he started working them as only a narc can do

    What I didn’t know was that he was developing outside relationships with some of the posters and went so far as to drive to another state, meet one of them and start an affair. I thought he was on a business trip. He encouraged his affairee to post some snotty responses to something I said, I was shocked, I got defensive, and before I knew it, there was a mass cyber war going on in which I was the target and every friend I thought I had there began to say hideous things about me. It was absolutely vicious and soulless. At the time I didn’t know he was pulling the strings, the affairee contacted me after he played her and then I knew but I almost died first. The founders of the board took it down ultimately.

    Personally I write with an audience of one in mind. Does what I write please God, is it the direction He has for my writing day? Whether I have 1 reader or 3000 I’m still just writing for the One. It simplifies things. Yes, I’m sensitive about being liked and the number of readers but I’ve turned off comments because I don’t want to be distracted by them.

    Liked by 1 person

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