My dark thoughts.

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blackhole2

When I feel like this, the only way I can cope is to write.
I had one of my “black mornings.” I don’t get them every day, but when I do get them, they are overwhelming.
I’m getting less of them than I used to, but even one is too much.

I wake up into whiteness. My white blinds reflect the blue white snow that fell three days ago but the shadowless brightness hurts my eyes and mocks the darkness that rises like a miasma and permeates every cell in my body. I lie on my bed and pull the covers up over my head to keep out the daylight. I close my eyes tight. I will myself to fall back to sleep.

I can’t sleep. Thoughts that are blacker than black filter through my consciousness. They seem to arise from a bottomless pit located somewhere in my upper abdomen. They swirl like a cesspool or a black hole or a slow-moving tornado in my soul: thoughts of death, sickness, poverty, loss, and emptiness suck any lesser, lighter thoughts in with them and consume them like food.

Two words reverberate in my atrophied soul: No Future.

I try to will tears to empty myself of this horrible dread and hopelessness, but the backs of my retinas only burn and my eyes remain dry as tinder. I move my consciousness on the pit at the center of my stomach but all I can feel is my heart slamming into my throat. I swallow hard and kick the covers angrily away.

I need to get up. Even if I could sleep I would only wake feeling worse later. Like I wasted a day, and the guilt would consume me.

I look in the mirror on my door. I look like hell. My skin looks grainy. My hair hangs in oily strings. I really need to do something with it. But I know I won’t.

I turn away and go to the kitchen and make some coffee. Strong coffee, milk, no sugar please.
I take it back to my room, drink it. I know I shouldn’t drink coffee given my mental state, but it always calms me for the short term.

The pain is always worse in the morning. Most of the time I can pretend it isn’t there, but it’s always there, waiting in the shadows, ready to sink its tentacles into any mask of sanity I can muster like the flimsy paper covering it really is.

As I write, the darkness retreats. I find some temporary relief. For now, I can fill the void with frivolity and fake cheer.
But the darkness will be back. It always comes back.

30 thoughts on “My dark thoughts.”

  2. Sending you hope and hugs to keep the relief and hopefully to let the fake cheer be replaced with real joy. It’s also for the other bad days that will come, but hopefully less frequent. You are very strong and can get through these bad days, although there shouldn’t be any. I think you put it into words very well, it’s very difficult to describe these feelings and the pain…

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  6. All righty! Going to take a hot shower and force myself to get out! Hating this horrid feeling of I’m freaking out. Why am I freaking out? IDK and I hate it. TTYL.

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    • It works fine, thanks for asking. I was looking at your blog last night (I’m embarrassed to admit I never did before), lots of interesting and helpful material. I think I will be spending a lot more time there reading. 🙂 You seem very mature for your age btw.
      I’m glad you liked my post 🙂

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  8. I love your writing! Everything you write is engaging and personal. My favorite part is: “Most of the time I can pretend it isn’t there, but it’s always there, waiting in the shadows…” That’s so true. I’ve been having so many “black mornings” lately. My depressive episode just doesn’t want to leave. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I’m following your blog now too. I haven’t had a cahnce to read much yet though.
      Writing out the storm can be life changing! It has been for me. Best of luck on your healing journey too.

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