A Beachside Affair (guest post).

Here is another guest post by the same writer who contributed “The Narc from Costa Rica.” Again she has asked to remain anonymous, but I think this story does a better job of describing the narcissism of a man who seemed to be extremely romantic. Talk about a whirlwind romance!

It’s common for narcissists (especially somatic ones) to act very romantic in the beginning of relationships. But the problem is, it’s an ACT. They can sweep you off your feet with their charm, declarations of undying love (which are lies), seemingly endless desire to make love to you, and gifts of wine, candy and roses. They also can move in very fast, and it’s not uncommon for one to propose marriage very soon into the relationship. (There are other narcs who are relationship-phobic, usually the cerebral type.). My ex proposed only three months after we met. He was cerebral though, so not all “romantic,” fast-moving narcissists are somatics.

The man in this story, Michael, seems to be a covert or “vulnerable” narcissist. They can seem to have very deep emotions and be quick to express their insecurities and vulnerabilities, but they’re still dishonest and manipulative, and they still have no empathy and will leave you in a heartbeat if a better source of supply comes along. Covert narcissists can be more dangerous than aggressive (classic) narcissists because you never see what’s coming. They can completely fool you because they seem to need you so much.

A Beachside Affair
By Anonymous

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My whirlwind relationship with Michael lasted for only 3 months. It was a summer love, like something out of the movies. Our affair ended abruptly, leaving me completely gutted emotionally and even physically. It was as if he’d ripped my heart out and taken it with him, leaving me with a huge hole inside my soul.

I met Michael on the beach. We quickly became obsessed with each other. He was like an addiction to me. I went to work during the day and all I could think about was Michael. I’d go home and polish myself from head to toe, making sure I looked and felt as beautiful as possible. Before I met Michael I just didn’t feel good. I was in a failing marriage to another narcissist. My husband ignored me. He never talked to me and I was dying inside. I remember that I’d go home and get drunk on wine, just to blur out the feelings of emptiness I felt from my husband’s coldness, on top of having suffered an empty childhood and adolescence due to having been raised by a narcissistic father and a borderline mother who wasn’t much better.

I knew having an affair was wrong, but at that point I no longer cared. I needed to feel loved and needed. Michael fit the bill perfectly, at first. I remember the day I met Michael. He was beautiful, his tanned muscles shimmering and rippling in the sun. We talked for a little while and before long he started to kiss me and held me for 4 hours straight, as the sun went down over the ocean.

After that heady experience I made a decision to leave my husband because I no longer could stand being with him. There was just no comparison.

I’m not sure why Michael had me under such a powerful spell. I’m not sure if it was inverted or covert narcissism or codependency on my part that made me so attracted to him. I know he mirrored my own narcissism and I think that was part of the attraction. Or (in my thinking at the time) maybe it was just that we were both artists that craved something more and we needed attention and had a burning desire to express our vision of life through our art. All I know is that when the two of us got together we melted together like butter. All the love that I never got, all the love I craved and all my neediness was being filled by Michael and I couldn’t get enough of him. He was everything to me.

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Michael had an apartment in a very famous town in coastal New Jersey that was known for its rock n roll legacy, especially Bruce Springsteen. Famous bands played in a place called The Stone Pony in Asbury Park. Back then, over 30 years ago, the town was run down and almost abandoned. The Stone Pony was the only thing that held the weak fabric of this town together. But I loved it there. This run down seaside town was always beautiful to me because I always felt like this was my home. I still do. I knew that one day I’d play up on the same stage where other famous artists had played. There was fire in my belly. A void that needed to be filled with a whole lot more than a man’s love. If there was an Angel on Ocean Avenue, she was certainly watching over me.

Micheal was an art student who had nude sketches of himself all over his wall. He played the guitar too and we often played music together and I would sing. I use to stay at Michael’s house every night. We went to parties at the homes of mutual friends we had met out on the beach. The bonfires were wonderful and we would all sit around and sing songs. We sang Beatles songs and Bowie songs and I felt like a reincarnated hippie. My favorite song we sang was David Bowie’s “Space Oddity.”

“Tell my wife I love her very much…she knows.
I’m here and I’m floating in my tin can.
Far above the world. Planet earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do.”

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There was magic and presence and energy and the love in all the people we met at these parties and on the beach. People liked to watch Michael and I, because they were intrigued by our obsession and need for each other. We vicariously fulfilled their need for romance. I felt so validated, loved, sexy and happy. It seemed too good to be true and it was. This couldn’t be real life. It was too perfect.

We were a study in contrasts physically, and I think that’s another reason for the fascination our friends had for us. Michael had beautiful blue eyes and long blonde silky hair, and a great body. I had long black hair and lots of curves. People liked to photograph us together. We use to sit down in front of a long mirror in his room and stare at the contrast. We made each other feel beautiful. And together, we were. At that time it seemed we were good for each other’s self-esteem. At the county college Michael was studying for an Associates degree in graphic arts we were both asked to pose nude for $10 dollars an hour for the students who sketched still lifes in the human anatomy drawing class.

Michael’s background was sad. He told me that he was beaten by his father with a belt consistently during his infancy and his dad was also an alcoholic. Michael was depressed and he had to take psychiatric medication to fight his depression from the abuse he endured as a child. I remember watching him go into this weird state where sometimes seemed almost frozen and off in some other universe (dissociation is a common symptom in people with NPD and BPD). When in these near-catatonic states, he’d punch the floor or the wall over and over again, sometimes lasting for up to 20 minutes. It was sad and very scary. He was not mean or malignant though. He seemed like a gentle, artistic soul who just couldn’t take care of himself. He was never controlling, but seemed very needy for my constant attention and love. I think he was a covert narcissist.

Our affair came to an abrupt end at the end of that summer, because Michael left me for another women who said she was in love with him. She was willing to pay the rent on his apartment. So in the end, he chose money and security over me. I was devastated because the drug of my addiction to him filled me all summer and was suddenly ripped out of my heart in an instant and the devastation and grief was almost too much to bear.

But if I’d known about narcissism, I would have known Idealize and Devalue is all part of their game. They can’t help it. Even covert narcissists are at heart predators out to use you and throw you away when you’re no longer of use to them.

My next phantom lover was a drummer named Karl. I was so needy that I of course fell into the hands of another narcissistic man. And so it goes on…

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21 thoughts on “A Beachside Affair (guest post).

  1. This man reminds me of the artist/character in the movie called Unfaithful with Diane Lane. The artist was sexy, charming and everything super charged in a vulnerable woman’s fantasy that stems from her deep need to discover her own true self. The Narcissist is talented at tapping into those desires in a woman.

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  2. This made me think of my ex. He didn’t leave me for another person but he did start to ignore me. He was crazy over me when we met and didn’t want me to go home or go to work and he would buy anything for me and pay for anything and never expect a woman to pay her share. Sounds sweet right? I didn’t know this was a red flag. Though he was never violent either. He also had a sad background. I say it all changed after I moved in with him and were together.

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    • Ignoring you is abuse, and is a very common way narcissists begin to show their true colors after they know they’ve ‘got” you. It sounds like that was also how the author’s husband was, and what drove her into the arms of “Michael.”

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      • I wonder how he’s got me by ignoring me lol, we were not living together and it was meant to be temporary because we had to move out of his apartment due to landlord issues he was having. But instead I eventually moved on and got a new boyfriend and he didn’t even care. He sent me a PM online asking me some questions about him and telling me he hopes things go well with me in this one. Strange I say.

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        • If you didn’t care about the guy…his silent treatment is useless. But it sounds like your ex ignored you and then contacted you to try to make you think he didn’t care. Because if he didn’t care he wouldn’t have bothered to contact you at all. Thats just my opinion based on what you wrote.

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          • At first his silent treatment gave me anxiety because I was still in a relationship with him and I couldn’t break up with him because I couldn’t get a hold of him and you can’t break up over the phone so I felt trapped and couldn’t move on and what is the point being in a relationship if your partner is never around and he acts like he isn’t in your life? It was my mother who got me out of it by telling me he had moved on and didn’t want to be with me so I was single and I felt so happy, my body felt very light. All that anxiety released so I moved on and met my husband and let myself get in another relationship. But the lesson I learned is if any guy goes silent on me, I will move on assuming I am single again. No excuses.

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            • Oh, I agree with your method. That’s my rule too. If a man isn’t treating you with the love and respect you deserve than he’s not worthy of your company. So glad you married a good man 🙂

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          • I don’t know,..but I have an inkling that they feel pleasure and euphoria in a different way.

            We feel joy from sentimental deep emotions. Some of them feel arrousals and pleasure from inflicting torture on others. I think the man that this author is talking about named Michael,.. felt arrousal and euphoria through the intensity of this woman he had summer love with. He was addicted to the reflection of himself in her eyes, and she was addicted to the euphoric feeling of watching the intensity of his euphoric high over her. They were both beautiful together and they could see the windows of their souls. A mirrored reflection of unconditional love and they just couldn’t get enough of it because the core of their cravings came from such feelings of emptiness,… a bottomless pit.

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  3. My ex always acted as if he was obsessed with me, until he met someone else and all obsession went right out the window. I don’t need revenge. I think he lives in hell with her now anyway. She is a real bitch and tells him what to do and not do. Maybe getting a little of his own medicine.

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    • Maybe, hmmm. Could she be more narcisssistic than him and turned him into the victim? That would be karma all right. Chances are though, he abuses her too. Eventually, they always will, even if he tells you she’s the most wonderful woman he ever met–they do that to upset you and the idealization phaze never lasts long anyway.

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      • I still have to deal with him since we have family together, 3 grown children with grandchildren. He would be nice, but sometimes say the meanest things, even to the children. He can’t figure out why they hate him and won’t answer his calls half the time. None of them like her.

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        • You mean none of them like him?
          I’m in a similar situation. I can’t go completely NC with my ex because we have a 23 and a 22 year old (no grandchildren yet though). So it’s VLC–very low contact. His kids will talk to him but think he’s nuts which he is. They know he’s a narc because they know about narcissism through me. So they can see the games he plays and that protects them somewhat.

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          • None of them like the bitch he is living with and they are all mad at him. I told my son to stop ignoring him because that means he will call me and I don’t want to talk to him. Plus I told him to stop calling me because they are adults. He called one grandchild a piece of baggage. He told the mother of one of the kids to beat him because he did something. I am not sure if he hit him or not. My son and him really go at it. I have to see him on the 18th most likely. Grandson’s birthday party. She may or probably won’t be there. She usually isn’t.

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