So tired of always feeling on the defensive.

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Judge-Less1

Sigh.

Maybe I didn’t know what I was getting into when I started blogging publicly. Someone who used to be active here but disagreed with me about several points is calling me out on their blog again. This person is obviously still reading this blog, because if they weren’t they wouldn’t have known about my “psychopath” post the other day.

This person once again completely misunderstood what I was trying to say (which I ranted about earlier today and will not rehash again) and assumed things about me that are not true. Worse yet, this person has proven to be incredibly judgmental of me, and appears to be using me and this blog as target practice. If they hate this blog so much, why not simply ignore it? Just stop reading it! Wouldn’t that make their life–and mine–easier? But no, things just don’t work that way. People are so quick to judge someone else based on nothing. Some people just like to act like assholes.

But that isn’t really the problem. The problem is me. As a blogger, having critics and haters is inevitable. Even if I was writing about something as benign as cake decorating, someone would have a problem with it. Maybe someone is diabetic and can’t eat sugar, and my posting cake recipes that use sugar could be taken as discrimination against diabetics. If I wrote about flower arranging, someone might think it’s wrong to kill plants for ornamental purposes and attack me for it.

I write about narcissism. Narcissism by nature is a controversial topic. It’s not a pretty topic. It’s a topic that is very triggering to many people, and there are many different theories about it. It’s not an exact science either, so it can’t be backed up with “facts,” only theories. Nothing anyone ever said about narcissism is a fact. All of it is theory, conjecture, and opinion.

I have my own opinions and theories. Sometimes people agree with them and sometimes they don’t. Whenever you have a theory about something, people might misunderstand it or they might disagree with you. When I decided to blog about narcissism, I didn’t realize how emotionally strong I had to be. I didn’t think about the fact there would be those who would judge me based on an opinion, or project bad intentions onto me because they didn’t understand something I was trying to say.

defensiveness-judy-nelson1

All my life I’ve tried too hard to people-please, due to the way I was raised. I wasn’t allowed to have my own thoughts and feelings or to speak up for myself. So when I’m unfairly attacked, I feel very hurt and go on the defensive. In a real life situation, when I’m attacked, I’m likely to clam up and say nothing (but I seethe inside). Online, I feel more comfortable speaking up for myself, but I try not to make waves or be confrontational. But why not? Why do I feel like I have to make peace with everyone? Why do I feel like everyone has to like me? That’s unrealistic and childish. Some people just cannot be pleased. Some people are not going to like you, and it’s pointless trying to get them to. Blogging means you are going to have haters and critics. It means some people will judge you unfairly and make unkind remarks. It takes a bold person to write a blog about dark and controversial subject matter and an even bolder one to not allow negative remarks or blog posts by others to ruin their day.

Being an HSP I take everything to heart. I let destructive criticism bother me too much. My skin is too thin and I brood when someone says something unkind about me or something I wrote. I hate being misunderstood and I hate being judged. Being judged unfairly is very triggering for me. But it happens. It will continue to happen, because that’s what happens when you have a public blog. I need to stop feeling like I’m on the defensive all the time and like I have to apologize for my existence. I am not a bad or stupid person just because someone else says (or implies) I am.

So from now on, as hard as it is for me to do this, I am going to stop reading destructive criticism on other sites. I know it’s out there but I’m just not going to look at it. Because when I do look at it, it inhibits me and turns me back into a fearful child terrified of my mother’s wagging disapproving finger. I know I have far more friends and supporters than enemies and detractors. Unfortunately I focus too much on the detractors. There isn’t much I can do about them. If they have decided to hate, they are going to find something to hate no matter what. So I need to simply ignore them because they don’t matter, and focus on my supporters instead.

It’s just a matter of seeing the glass a three-quarters full instead of one quarter empty. Focusing on and ruminating about the few haters I have is just stupid. Going to their sites to look when I know there are unkind remarks there is just going out of my way to be hurt and that’s incredibly stupid. Why is it so hard to resist doing it though?

27 thoughts on “So tired of always feeling on the defensive.”

  1. You know what I think. You need to block this person completely out of your mind. Don’t read there stuff, and DO NOT hold back on your uninhibited way of writing. They are trying to inhibit and control you in a cyber bullying way…

    Liked by 2 people

    • That’s exactly what I think. I need to resist the urge to read what this person writes and just write what I feel, and not worry about it so much. Yes, worrying about what someone will say is very inhibiting.

      Liked by 3 people

      • I think a lot of this stems from women being mysogynist towards other women…which often stems from some backward old world kind of thinking.

        Plus some people can’t look at anything with an opened lens. Your writing reminds me of a Kaleidescope. You look into it and it expands the mind in a way to walk down different avenues or theories. It’s not about right or wrong…or good or bad. Its not all in black or white. There always room for ideas, opinions and growth.

        These people who criticise your work can not see past the nose on their faces.

        If they differ in opinion that’s fine. So why not have a positive conversation with valid objections based on facts.

        Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain Lucky….

        Liked by 3 people

        • The real difference here is that other blogger thinks in black and white, all or nothing. I like to explore thoughts and ideas, not pass judgment. I don’t think that makes me evil. I think looking at things in shades of grey opens up real conversation and ideas, and allows room for debate and exchange…people who are all “my way or the highway’ turn people off except those who think just like them. To be perfectly honest, even when I used to be friends with that blogger, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells. I can’t stand black and white thinking. It’s just not me at all.

          Liked by 2 people

          • lol, it’s ironic what you say about black and white thinking because I keep reading how it’s an autistic trait and how we see things in that way and not the shades of gray but yet you write how you like to explore them and open up. I also can’t stand B&W thinking either.

            Liked by 1 person

            • I’ve heard that about Aspies too, but i’m not sure if it’s really true. I think Aspies do like to think deeply about things though, and don’t like ambivalence in others, but they can be ambivalent themselves, idk really. But in all honesty–even though a psychiatrist confirmed my beliefs I had Aspergers several years ago, I’m starting to think my “Aspie” traits may actually be manifestations of my avoidant PD–which can be remarkably similar.
              It’s confusing, isn’t it?

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            • I have OCD and anxiety so it’s very hard for me to say what is the anxiety or the AS or the OCD. So many overlaps. Perhaps you should bring this to an autism expert and tell them about your concerns and see what they say?

              Liked by 1 person

            • I want to do this. I want to get a new psychiatric evaluation but right now I can’t afford it.
              Speaking of OCD, my son just found out he has it. He’s really been struggling with obsessive intrusive thoughts and he says they’re interfering with work and his ability to sleep. So I guess he’s not off the hook from the family pathology either. At least he’s getting some help for it.

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  3. Some people are just irked. And when they are irked they have to have someone to pick on. Been there, it was nothing personal, just they wantef me to suffer for they being irked!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I read that person’s posting about your post (5hundredpounder’s) – it is so childish. It’s clear she has a particular all-bad image in mind of what she thinks you think about X topic, and then she projects it onto things which are about that topic,but twists your words to fit the distorted image in her mind. That is actually a borderline phenomenon, it is based on all-bad splitting and projection of the all-bad view of someone into something in the external world which is in reality made up of shades of grey. It is crazy, because the person doing this fails to perceive at all the “good” or nuanced aspect of the external object, while seeing instead only the “bad” aspects that fit with their preconceived view of it. It is borderline splitting.
    So, you can think of 500poundpeep as an emotional child who can be laughed at. You wouldn’t feel insulted if a 2 or 3 year old thought you were a meanie, right? That is emotionally the level this person is coming from.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I completely agree and have been thinking the same thing you were. I was just afraid to say anything. I think you just gave me an article idea. SPlitting is an interesting and very primitive defense mechanism used by borderlines and narcissists whenever someone disagrees with them. Like a two year old, suddenly Mommy becomes all-bad because she said “no” to one more cookie. They cannot tolerate differences of opinion and see nothing in shades of grey, only black and white. You’re either on their side or not, evil or good, with no in between. They can’t see others as separate from themselves and demonize anyone who sees things differently. Thanks for pointing this out.
      I have not looked at their blog and I won’t right now, but did you make a comment there? Just wondering.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Please stop posting people’s online name and calling them childish, psychopath, “very religious,” or close-minded. The fivehundredpoundpeeps is not what you described and I am appalled that you are smearing against her. We have rights to go NC with narcs, and to warn people about covert narcissism and the types of abuse. We have rights to feel the ways we do. You CAN’T make us do what we don’t want to do! If you don’t like it, please leave Peeps. other ACONs, and other victims alone.

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        • I never mentioned her name here or anyone else’s (someone else did), and I’m not smearing anymore than I’ve already been smeared. I am being accused of things I never said and I never said not to go No Contact, in fact I think it’s the best thing. Words are being put in my mouth.

          But I am not going to allow you or anyone else intimidate me. If you don’t like this blog, don’t read it. Simple as that.

          Liked by 2 people

      • Yeah I did. This is also one of the reasons why “borderlines” get demonized, because many of the people around them are partly “borderline’ also – either those who partially caused them to become “borderline” (e.g. parents), or partners/friends who themselves have trauma in their background and therefore a tendency toward splitting. Unfortunately, the thinking in things in one light / as all bad is also contributing to the illusion that BPD is a valid illness, I fear, rather than a more complex, multi-dimensional label for emotional distress that occurs along a spectrum and in many varieties. On many message boards and blogs, people are thinking mistakenly that BPD is one thing with certain characteristics, but that is an illusion.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh Ms. Otter, you gotta let this festering pot of toxic sludge leave your soul. They won’t ever let up and I know you’re better than to be lowered down to this kind of mobbing and psychic stalking.

    Just think of all your many blessings: a home, a family, a job, a blog that isn’t filled with tortured, constant self pity disguised as intelligence. People who are suffering from immobility and extreme illness get viciously mean sometimes. I worked in healthcare, mostly acute care and hospice. It was tragic to watch once cheerful, loving people get transformed into poison spouting monsters, but that’s pain does to us sometimes . Still lovin’ this blog and Ms. Otmiester!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I appreciate it Alex, and I’m already well aware what kind of person I have been dealing with, but it’s hard to not make excuses for a person who had been so abominably abused by their own family, even though the evidence of their narcissism was as clear as day. But that’s one of the things that sort of abuse does to a person, isn’t it? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I got defensive today. I saw that someone posted an article that said some polygamist is taking his case up to the supreme court because he felt equality means he should be able to marry 2 women. So I responded…oh that’s definitely a somatic Narc…because how can you compare LGBT rights to Polygamy… considering that the children of that cult are brainwashed into Polygamy. Little girls aren’t born Polygamists…however you are born with a specific sexual orientation.

    Anyway…this guy starts calling me a Narc because I opposed the Polygamist. It was a very strange argument… And annoying…because I never dreamed anyone would oppose me being anti-Polygamist.

    I felt like saying…you know…the US government sadly recognizes Scientology as a religion. Which I don’t agree on..considering the Scientology folks go for years trying to crack the inner core to get to the top of Scientology to learn and crack the code or divine message that their founding Father Ron Hubbard concealed for them until they reach the highest part of Scientology. That divine message is a bunch of cartoons of Ron Hubbard illustrations that we are governed by aliens.

    Anyway…the government recognizes the insanity of the cult of Scientology… But they will not recognize the cult of Poligamy. That is because Polygamy is beyond insanity..

    Liked by 1 person

    • That guy who called you a narc is ridiculous, and he’s projecting. There isnt any comparison between Polygamy and LGBT. Polygamy is a practice loved by narc men who want their cake and eat it too. LGBT you are either born with or not. It isn’t learned and it can’t be unlearned.
      Oh, Scientology. I was involved for two years in 1977-79. Thank God I got out before it was too late. Don’t even get me started. I wrote an article about it too. (do a search for Scientology or L. Ron Hubbard).

      L. Ron Hubbard was a huge malignant narcissistic psychopath and a dangerous one. He was also deluded. Those OT levels that were all “top secret” are now on the Internet for anyone who wants to see them. I have and they are batshit crazy. The “big secret” is exactly as you said–it’s a big space opera with an evil ruler called Xenu. I think they make it a secret because until you are thoroughly brainwashed after going clear and the OT levels, you will laugh yourself sick when you read that shit. I think it’s been removed by teh church of Scientology now, but for awhile it leaked out and I saw it. They used to say if you were given this top secret information too early in your “processing” (auditing) it would kill you. Yeah, you might die laughing.
      Here’s the article I wrote about my experience with Scientology:
      https://luckyottershaven.com/2015/01/07/scientology-a-cult-of-psychopathy/

      They also HATE the mental health profession and think all psychiatry /psychology is evil.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Omg lucky…I didn’t know you were being sucked into Scientology in the past? So you totally understand the cult thing. And of course…we know that the Pyscho Ron Hubert hides the secret Alien crap…because its so ridicolous that he wouldn’t be able to recruit cult members.

        There are some new strange Zen cults out there these days as I shared with you..but they don’t have the finances like Scientology does. Why? Because they talk about Saturn and the black cube upfront…and so of course the first thing you think is…. Yeah their just plain nuts…or a con artists thats nuts on top of the Psychopathy??

        It seems like cults leaders mix some truths will blatant lies.

        I’ll have to read your article tomorrow. Its sounds really interesting.

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