What living with a psychopathic malignant narcissist does to your looks.

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This is a picture of me taken two years ago, about a year before I finally got my MN ex out of the house for good.  He was turning my daughter against me (although he failed with my son, who moved to another state to escape from all the drama) and had already succeeded in turning all my friends against me with his gaslighting and triangulation.    He had everyone convinced I was insane, deluded,  and stupid.    I had no one to turn to and no money (well, I still have no money) but I had to support him even though he refused to work.   I felt so trapped.   We hadn’t even been married since 2005 but he continued to play his narc games, using the kids as pawns,  and I made a huge mistake allowing him to move back in with me in 2006, because I was so easily manipulated and afraid of what he might do if I didn’t agree.

sbrombacher_cat

I was fat, out of shape, exhausted all the time, and look several years older than I do now. I didn’t care about my appearance or much of anything. I think you can tell by the expression I’m wearing here that I was severely depressed and had pretty much given up having any kind of future. I was just marking time until death and aging fast.

Me in December 2006: I don’t look very happy. I wasn’t. I never smiled.
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At a wedding in 1996–around the time his abuse turned physical and my son became scapegoated. Yes, that’s him on the left. He looks like a bum today.
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Here is me today:
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This was taken in April this year.

laurenb2

I think the change is dramatic.

64 thoughts on “What living with a psychopathic malignant narcissist does to your looks.”

  2. This gives me hope. I have taken a pretty slow, yet rather quick decline for the last few years. I look like crap. I’m fat and my face looks worn and old. I was thinking I should resolve to being an old lady even before I turned 50. Now I’m not so sure. But I need to change my eating habits, just for starters.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Don’t give up hope, SafireFalcon! My best picture was taken at age 58. I looked much younger, healthier, and happier then, than I did in pictures taken in my 30s! Today I am 62 and I now have a few shallow lines on my face, but no deep wrinkles and no sagging yet. I look like the typical 40 or 45 year old now. 🙂

      How a person feels on the inside has a huge impact on how one looks on the outside. I find that exercising about 30 minutes every day or so (either by walking, dancing, or jumping on a mini trampoline), which gets the endorphins pumping, and drinking lots of water to hydrate and flush out all the toxins, plus taking the potent but inexpensive antioxidant grape seed extract every day, makes a huge difference in how I feel and look. Also meditation/prayer, staying away from negativity, and smiling and laughing, helps a lot. Doing face exercises helps too, although I don’t do that as regularly as I should.

      By the way, I was reading your blog yesterday and I related so much, it was almost like I had written it. Except for the particular details of your family, I totally relate to your family’s scapegoating and gaslighting of you, and the C-PTSD effects that a lifetime of their crazy making has had on you.

      Liked by 6 people

      • Thanks for the comment Alaina. I’ve been neglecting myself a lot for the last few years, although I do get started back on track, but then don’t allow myself enough momentum.

        I have quite a few supplements but again I’m not consistent…not consistent with any self care really. And in fact I’ve been thinking hard on changing that.

        It’s been a topic in therapy and I’m working on a plan in different categories of my life.

        I look at pics of me from when I was in my 30s and that was probably my peak. I feel weird talking about it because it seems so narcissistic, but I do care about what I look like, you just wouldn’t know it to see me now. I’ve tried telling myself that it’s just age, but I know better. I know people my age who haven’t been through the same types of trauma so they look different. I know it’s a result of how my body reacted to what happened. Plus some of my own behavior of eating the wrong things much of the time.

        The energy to rebuild is (again) inconsistent. I feel good one day and deflated the next. I’m sure much of it is to just push through the times I’m deflated.

        Thanks again for the comment and the extra hope as well as letting me know you read my blog and that you can relate. It’s nice to be validated although it doesn’t make me happy you can relate on such a personal level. Sorry you also lived through abuse.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Everything you said is true, SF. People who have “hard lives” tend to age faster but a big part of that is because if we’re victimized we don’t feel “worthy” of taking care of our bodies properly. Like with me, I stuffed my face with junk food all the time and never exercised and smoked like a chimney too. At least I wasn’t drinking that much anymore (in my 20s I was a HUGE drinker). But I just. did. not. care.
          But even if you start to see your looks go, that can be reversed–even just feeling better psychologically without making any drastic health changes makes a big difference. Once you start lifting out of the depression/feelings of worthlessness, you automatically begin to take better care of yourself. Not that I’m perfect– I still smoke (though a lot less) and don’t eat enough fresh fruits and veggies. But I get a lot of exercise on the job, take walks and don’t fill up on junk food all the time the way I used to. I also drink a lot more water. Hydrating yourself is easy to do, and makes a difference.

          Liked by 3 people

        • I so relate to the problem of not being consistent. As for not taking care of myself… I am a neat freak and a germophobe and I care very much about things like having healthy clean teeth. But I went a year once where I scarcely brushed my teeth. Maybe a half dozen times, in that whole awful year. While the dirty dishes and dirty laundry and dust and mess piled up all around me. Hating myself and hating the gross feeling of living like a bum, the whole time. I ended up with two abscessed teeth that had to be extracted. Ick and Ouch.

          By the way, I originally intended to post my reaction to your blog, on your actual blog. But something interrupted me and I didn’t get around to it. Sigh….

          Liked by 1 person

            • Yes, in my experience, facial exercises do firm the jowls, and tighten and smooth the skin. About 20 years ago, when I was in my early 40s, I bought a book called Facercise written by Carole Maggio. After only about a month of doing the exercises every day, I was amazed at the difference. Unfortunately, I have gotten lazy in recent years and have only been doing the exercises sporadically, and my face shows it. I really need to get back to my self care routine. I am embarrassed to admit that I bought her Ultimate Facercise DVD a couple of years ago and I have yet to take it out of the package. 😦

              Here is a YouTube video that Carole did when she was 64. I believe she is in her 70s now. She says she has had no laser treatments, no botox injections, and no cosmetic surgery. (Also, on her website, facercise (dot) com, she has a video of Dr. Oz explaining that facercise really does work.):
              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ELksgqqH8Q&sns=em

              Liked by 2 people

            • Take some “before” pictures to compare how you look after about a month. You will be amazed. Now I am inspired to break out that DVD… 😀

              Liked by 2 people

            • Yes, I think it is true, but smiling also releases endorphins and makes you and others around you instantly feel better, so I will never stop smiling… a lot! 😀 Also, in my experience, keeping up with the face exercises and good skincare counteracts the smile wrinkles.

              Worse than smiling, wrinkles can come from sleeping all night every night with your face mashed into a pillow. Search Amazon and eBay for anti wrinkle pillows to prevent that.

              Now we had better stop hijacking Lucky’s blog! You can contact me via Twitter: @LadyQuixote

              Liked by 2 people

            • Even if you don’t feel like smiling, sometimes smiling when you don’t want to puts you in a better mood. Maybe it’s just because people respond to your more positively when you smile, but there is something to that advice.
              There are some who wouldn’t “lower” themselves to be fake, but it isn’t fake if it actually makes you feel better. I used to walk aroun being a real debbie downer and people avoided me and I felt like shit.

              All that being said, I hate fake people. You know who they are–the people who are NEVER depressed, never have porblems, are never upset about anything, and life is always peachy and perfect. Those kind of people can be annoying because you know they are lying. Everyone suffers; it’s part of being human, and it’s okay. . You can tell genuine happiness from someone who is just faking it all the time because they won’t have a smile plastered on 24/7. They will just emanate an inner joy that others pick up on, even when they’re not smiling. I know people like this, and they are never annoying. You just feel good being around them because their joy is contagious.

              But there are those, too who wear victimhood like a badge of what good people they are, and insist that if you’re happy, you can’t really be a good person because the world sucks and we are supposed to be miserable here. That’s a very toxic way of thinking IMHO. I used to be like that and got SO tired of my negativity. I made myself sick. I couldn’t bear to wake up in the morning. I just got tired of being a victim or at least wearing victimhood like some kind of badge of honor. It is not an honor, and God does NOT want us to be miserable all the time in spite of what some say. But he doesn’t like phonies either. He wants us to be authentic and happy, but genuinely happy, and to be able to feel and express all ouro ther emotions (even negative ones) when the situation calls for it.
              I’m so tired of the “you must be happy and smile all the time” positive thinking nazis, but I’m getting equally as tired of the “I am a victim and will always be a victim and there is no hope for me because this is a fallen world and my real reward is in heaven” mindset I see so often.
              I think reason is the best way to look at it. There is a time and place for everything, A time for joy and a time for sadness, a time to celebrate and a time to mourn, a time for peace and a time for war.
              This is even in the Bible and was also a popular song by the Byrds (Turn Turn Turn):
              Ecclesiastes 3:
              1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

              2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

              3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

              4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

              5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

              6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

              7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

              8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

              9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

              10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

              11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

              12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

              13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

              14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

              15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

              16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.

              17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.

              18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.

              19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.

              20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.

              21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?

              22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?

              Liked by 1 person

            • Fortunately I don’t have a problem with jowles–YET! But there is a little loose skin around my mouth area. That area is the “oldest” looking part of my face, otherwise my face still looks fairly young.

              Liked by 1 person

  6. What a coincidence. I was looking at pictures from about five years ago when I was still married to my N-ex and I look younger now than I did then and I’m 44 and a half!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Pingback: Adorable comment from Alaina! | Live Love Laugh

  10. Amazing what freedom from a Toxic Narc and the presence of hope can do for you. Congrats on having the courage to kick him to the curb. Interesting how many of us turn to food after abuse and trauma. I’ve fought the weight stigma for eons. Gave it up recently and I’m losing weight. Blogging and publishing my work have been therapeutic, as I’m sure you’ve experienced as well.

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