This is not a nice post.

steam

I committed to complete honesty in my blog, even when it means I have to show an ugly side I prefer others not see. This blog is the only place I can be completely honest about everything regarding myself and the Narcs in my life, so I don’t expect everyone to like this post. In fact, some of you may hate it. It’s ugly, and it’s negative, and it’s petty, but it’s also something that’s REALLY bothering me, and since this blog is, first and foremost, self-therapy, sometimes ugly stuff is going to come up. What I’m going to write about may even make some of you suspect I’m the narcissist, but read further if you want to understand. I really wish I didn’t feel this way and didn’t have to write this ugly post.

I’m going to keep this short because I don’t want to dwell on it. In fact, I’d really just like to forget about it and move on. But I’m obsessing, so maybe writing about it in my blog will help me to let it go. I can’t talk about this with anyone I know IRL.

For those of you who have read my entire story (click the “My Story” link in the green header), you already know I spent many years supporting a man I was no longer married to, allowing him to freeload, trash my house, take over my home, abuse me and my family, and suck me dry financially, spiritually and emotionally for 7 years after we were no longer married to each other.

In 2010 or 2011, Michael applied for disability. I won’t say he isn’t disabled, because in a relative sense he is. I do think his “mental problems” are largely fabricated. The guy is a Narc–that’s his primary mental problem. I don’t believe he is actually Bipolar and he certainly isn’t suffering from PTSD. I don’t think Narcs can suffer from PTSD (can they?) although perhaps they can be bipolar. But I know him, and I know 99% of it is an act, so that he could appear “crazy” enough to get the treatment required by SSI so he would qualify–and also be able to stay in a psyciatric ward during the time when he would have otherwise been homeless.

Keep in mind that Michael didn’t have a second thought about ousting me from MY home (AND taking my kids away from me) back in 2003 when he was working in cahoots with his flying monkey Rachel who had taken over my home. He never apologized for this either. Yet he hates me because I “made him homeless” because after waiting on him hand and foot for 7 years and getting (and asking) nothing in return other than some help with the bills (which because he refused to work he couldn’t provide) I finally tossed him out when I reached my breaking point when he gave my daughter a black eye. I told him way back in 2007 when he first moved back in with me I would not tolerate violence. Well, he broke that promise. If he hadn’t done that, chances are I would still be putting up with him today.

During the time he was waiting for disability, he did so by my charity. If it hadn’t been for me providing him a place to live–and otherwise supporting him, he would probably have died on the streets since no one else would put up with him (and everyone else had kicked him out). He would never have gotten his SSI because no one would have sacrificed their happiness, given over their home, or put up with his intolerable, exploitative behavior for that long.

One day recently I sat down and calculated how much he had cost me over the 7 years he lived with me and the 5 he lived as a human leech and did not contribute one penny to the household expenses. I spent at least $20K on him, including turning over at least a third of my tax returns to him for at least 4 of those years. And this after he whined countless times, “But I don’t cost you anything!” Yeah, right.

Today he got his SSI check–not the regular monthly check, but the back pay going back to the time he stopped working in about 2008. The check he got is for well over $30K. So this useless, narcissistic, evil, hateful, exploitative, pathetic excuse for a human being is being rewarded–on the backs of the two people (me and my daughter) who made it all possible for him (not to mention the taxpayers). And yet….he told my daughter I will not get a dime of this money. Even though he saw how much I struggle financially, even though I work my ass off, even though I do all this with a smile on my face…not once during the time he lived with me did he show one iota of empathy or even offer to help around the house. Even after working all day, I came home and did all the housework–which meant cleaning up after him because he sat here getting high and trashed the house every day.

moneybags

If I was going to make him accountable for what I had to spend on him, I would ask him for $20K. But I will not do that. I feel $3500 is fair. Of course he is not legally obligated to pay me this sum, nor do I have any legal rights to it. I don’t have a case in the eyes of the law. I don’t expect to get a dime from him, in fact, knowing his history with money, I expect he will spent most of it on drugs and gambling, maybe buy himself a nice new car (while my transmission on my 2001 Taurus is almost shot) and find a place to rent. The rest he’ll spend on whims–because that’s the way he operates. He sees something and has to have it right now. Like most narcs, he’s stuck at the emotional level of a very young child. The money he has will probably be gone in six months.
But it still doesn’t make me feel any better. I feel like I’ve been had. Used and used up.

I’m still dirt poor and now the asshat’s got a shitload of money for doing absolutely nothing except use me to freeload off of while he waited to get that money, and the unfairness of it is astounding and infuriating and makes me want to break a lot of things.

bang-head-here

I understand if this sounds incredibly self indulgent, childish, and petty, and I apologize for that. I’m not too proud of it either. But I just don’t understand why Narcs ALWAYS seem to come out ahead, leaving a trail of destruction and misery behind them. I hope there’s a such thing as karma.

The Serenity Prayer comes in handy in times like this.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The Courage to change the things I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

It’s the only thing I can do.

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9 thoughts on “This is not a nice post.

  1. You shouldn’t have to apologize for feeling angry. I would be angry too if I went through what you’ve gone through. However, one positive out of all of this is that his money will keep him away. Like a vampire, he’s off feeding on someone else. It can give you time to think about you.

    I’m not very familiar with narcissism, so the best I can offer is a simple expression of sympathy and the best of wishes to you as you are dealing with this.

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    • It is what it is, all I can do is accept this turn of events and have faith there is such a thing as karma and the universe will eventually make him accountable. Saying the serenity prayer is pretty powerful–even if you’re not in AA, the words can apply to so many things in life that are hard to deal with. Thanks for your comments. 🙂

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  2. I can relate. My X walked out on my son, his dog and me. He closed all of the bank accounts and opened them up in his name only. We had a business for more that 20 years and we both started it from nothing. It is very successful, yet I have no access to any of its’ income.

    He manipulates the courts and has drug out this divorce for more than 3 years. My lucky stroke is that I have an amazing attorney who sticks with me. I know this must make my X crazy because I am sure that he thought that nobody would stick it out this long for no $$$$. She stays with me because she is an advocate. It was a chance in a million that I found her.

    Through these years, I have struggled to build up my life from ground zero, while caring for our son (he barely paid child support and gets away with it! You would not believe how ineffective CSS is in California). He gets away with not paying the minuscule amount of court ordered spousal support too. And there is the IRS (too long to write about here).

    Through these years, I created a fake FB account (please don’t tell Mark Z!) because I was blocked on his and the new GF accounts. It made me crazy to see all of the lavish vacations that he takes and the great life he has. This is while I am struggling with keeping the lights on in the house! I could not even drive anywhere because I could not afford to pay for gas. He has access to all of the business $$$$ and no responsibilities to pay!! He gets away with it because all of the money comes from a corporate account and he just accesses the money and says that they are “business” expenses. Who knows what other creative accounting tricks he is using. It has been so long. He also has help from the corporate attorney who I realize now is a crook who helped him arrange all of this before he walked out. They just never anticipated I would get a lawyer.

    I have no idea what is going to happen, it is very complicated and he intentionally keeps it all complicated because he knows to uncomplicate all of the finances will be expensive and consume a lot of time.

    God willing I will have my day in court eventually, and we will get to the bottom to some of it.
    So at least I do have a shot at recuperating some of the money.

    But it still make me nuts too, these Narcs get away with it.

    Some people say that Karma will catch up with them, but I want to witness it myself!!!! I want to see it happen in this lifetime and not the next!

    I should know better, I go to group meditation 2X a week. I am supposed to forgive. I am so no there yet. I really do want to see him hurt!

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  3. I am so sorry you are going through all that. He sounds like a real a$$hole if you don’t mind my saying so. Unfortunately that kind of crap happens way too often in divorces, and it’s usually the mother and children who suffer. It’s incredibly unfair isn’t it? Especially since you started that business TOGETHER and half that money is rightfully yours.

    But that’s great you have a wonderful lawyer and she sounds like she will help you get your fair share and figure out all the legal loopholes so he is forced to pay you at least something! I know it really sucks to be poor, especially when kids are involved, and then to have to have his luxury vacations thrown in your face! ARRGGHHH! That would drive me insane.

    At least for me, I know he will probably blow through the money soon–$30K isn’t a lot and after that all he has is $800 a month to live on HAHAHAHAHA! (I sound so mean lol)

    I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to follow him on Facebook. It may take a lot of willpower and strength to just delete your account and try to ignore what he is doing. It’s only going to hurt you, so I suggest not giving in to the temptatioon to see what he is doing.

    In the meantime, we can hope karma will catch up with these losers are divine justice will be served.
    You are doing great! Just keep telling yourself that. You have the kids, and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.

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    • I don’t know if you like true crime stories, but there’s a book you should read, called “Until the 12th of Never: The Deadly Divorce of Dan and Betty Broderick” by Bella Stumbo. It’s about a woman whose rich attorney husband who she had supported and put through school divorced her in the cruelest way imaginable and ran off with his younger, prettier GF to live a life of luxury while Betty languished in poverty and jealousy. I won’t give away the ending but she decides to take justice into her own hands. Her husband was definitely a Narc who thought he was God’s gift and she was his victim. He and his new GF (who later become his wife and became pregnant with their child) used to call Betty up just to make fun of her and call her names. It’s a disturbing read, but you won’t be able to put it down. I don’t know if it will “help” you, but you will definitely be able to relate.

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  4. I will definitely pick up the book. Sounds like great reading, it also may make me crazy, but after all that has happened to me, I have obtained a pretty high tolerance.

    As far as reading the FB posts. I rarely go on it now, but I did it to get some incriminating posts which I copy and pasted and sent to the attorney. This may be used at the trial, but I am not sure now.

    About six months ago I was talking to my attorney’s assistant. She told me that most of their divorce clients have maybe one or at the most two boxes is paperwork in comparison to me, who they have devoted an ENTIRE SHELF to my paperwork.

    All of this realistically cannot be gone over again. We will have to cherry pick what will be used because you cannot overwhelm the judge with massive paperwork. The last thing you want to do is make the judge cranky.

    I was just talking to a coworker who told me a story about her friend that went through a 5 year divorce. Her husband had many lawyers who fought relentlessly for him to keep his entire pension, lucrative investments and even not share his health benefits (generous entertainment industry benefits). She pretty much ran out of cash, was dead broke and lost everything trying to fight the divorce. So she ended up settling for almost nothing.

    Less than one week before the divorce was final, the guy died and so she got everything!

    So you see? There is a God!

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    • LOLOLOL! I like the way that last story ended. It’s definitely God or the universe setting things right.
      I wish you all the best of luck in your divorce, it does sound complicated! You’re lucky to have an attorney who is working pro bono with you and seems like a person who really cares about you and wants to see you get your fair share. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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