Becoming real.

stone_cat

I haven’t been posting as much about my recovery or therapy on this blog as I used to, because it’s grown so big and I feel more comfortable posting such deeply personal stuff on my other blog, because it’s so much smaller and has far fewer readers than this one does.

But I’m making an exception today, because of how important I think this dream I had last night is.

My subconscious mind seems to be revealing the most to me lately through my dreams. Later I tell my therapist about them, and we interpret them together. Sometimes though, the meaning is obvious to me and lately it’s getting easier for me to figure these dreams out on my own.

In my last therapy session, I was asked what my real self is really like.   I wasn’t able to answer very well.  I felt like I had to make things up.  Chair Girl (my inner child, who I have “sit” in a chair in my therapist’s office, which is how she got her name) is so elusive, and only comes out intermittently.  I know she’s shy and has the potential to be very loving, but sometimes it’s hard for me to capture her essence, who SHE is.

Last night, I had another beautiful dream that answered this for me.

I owned a strange object.   It was a cat made out of black stone.   But it wasn’t actually black stone.   The person who gave it to me explained that this object had once been a real cat, who had been killed during a plane crash (but whose body somehow remained intact) and whose owner, a man from China, had the cat’s body cryogenically frozen and sealed, much like those services that do taxidermy on dead pets and send your pet back to you stuffed and fitted with glass eyes.  But this cat wasn’t stuffed and it didn’t have glass eyes.   It was hard as a rock, heavy, and shone like stone.   Its eyes were sealed shut, forever sleeping.

I loved the cat anyway, and felt sad over what had happened to it.  I  liked to just sit with it and pet it, even though it was no more than an object and could never respond or give back any love.  I sometimes wondered what he had been like, and I named him Max.

One day something very strange happened.  I knew Max had been dead for years.   But on this one day, while I was holding it in my arms, pretending it was a real cat, I heard a small mew.     I looked down and saw that Max was trying to open his eyes.    I almost dropped him in shock, but instead set him down gently on a chair and watched in amazement.   I wasn’t sure what to do.   This was scaring me.  But I was frozen in place.   I couldn’t stop watching.

Max began to transform.   His cold stone body became a beautiful coat of reddish brown tabby fur, and his eyes, now opened, turned from black to brilliant blue.   He started to breathe.  He looked up at me and meowed loudly.  It occurred to me he must be part Siamese, with those blue eyes and loud, raspy voice.

I asked him if he was hungry, and he immediately jumped down and walked regally toward the kitchen, as if he understood what I was asking him.  He kept looking back at me, meowing.  I happened to have some cat food and he ate as if he’d been starving.    My shock having worn off,  I felt love overflowing for this tiny animal.   I picked Max up and held him and listened to him purr contentedly.    He was so tiny but so beautiful and I realized that somehow, it was my love that had woken him up and transformed him back into a living, breathing, loving cat.

One of my favorite stories as a child was The Velveteen Rabbit, and I think it’s because of the universal truth in that story:  that being loved is how one becomes real.

velveteen_rabbit3

Max is the real me.  By learning self-love and self-empathy, she’s waking up and making herself known. She’s becoming real.

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About luckyotter

This blog is my journal. I just choose to share it with the world instead of keeping everything inside my head. I'm a recovering Borderline and have also struggled with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I also have Complex PTSD due to having been the victim of narcissistic abuse for most of my life. I write mostly about narcissism, because I was the child of a narcissistic mother, and then married to a sociopathic malignant narcissist for 20 years. But there's a silver lining too. In some ways they taught me about myself. This blog is about all that. Not all my articles will be about NPD, BPD or other personality disorders or mental conditions. I pretty much write about whatever's on my mind at the moment. So there's something for everyone here. Blogging about stuff is crack for my soul. It's self therapy, and hopefully my insights and observations may help others too.
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22 Responses to Becoming real.

  1. Wow this is beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rayne says:

    This is beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is God Who reveals your true self to you through your dreams. He is clearly speaking to you, His dear heart. I am so happy for you. I unraveled through my dreams as well. You are remembering to your birth – who you are – Innocent.

    Never forget God’s ability to bring that which just appears “dead” back to life. He NEVER points an accusatory finger at you, like your inner critic and Satan does. Remember the “deadness” is just a trick, a delusion. Everyone who reads you can see God’s goodness and life in you, your living beauty, now go FEEL it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I think cradle dropping, bedrock loss and the pain of it is permitted by God in our lives only to wake us up to who we really are. It is the beautiful paradox of embraced grief. Those who weep shall have their tears turned into joy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      That is very profound. I think we are seeing more empaths and people who have the potential to be empaths but are trapped in their pain and disorders (including people who have become narcissistic but are at their core empaths), begin to emerge during this very trying time in history. (I’m probably going to write about this later.) People who can see the truth and show compassion and care are sorely needed right now. Our early pain and experience with narcissistic parents and other close relationships were our “lessons” meant to show us how the minds of people like the Talking Yam (I didn’t coin this phrase, but I love it!) work. The time is at hand now, and God is waking those of us who have these abilities up and showing us how to use them for the greater good. At least that’s my theory.

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      • I actually wrote about you Lucky Otter in my blog post “Epiphany”, or I should say I wrote about bloggers “like” you.

        The piece is lengthy and also goes into an analogy between those abused by clerics in their own church, to the trauma of children who’ve endured maternal narcissism. But the point is this very issue.

        When our cradles fall it is painful but it wakes us up to the reality that it was God Himself holding us safe all along, and subsequently a lot of other truths that most of society can’t see. You were never “dead”. You were just sleeping. God was always close to you, in fact you were loved in a “special” way.

        If you have a chance please read Epiphany and know you were one of the “special” souls chosen I referenced that I believe God uses to help set others free, from whatever it is that binds them.

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  5. Viktoria says:

    Thank you. What kind of therapist are you working with? It sounded a bit like TA… we also used to use a chair for my “little me” … i loved TA methods it worked excellent for me. I was once in my dream a tiger which has just moved her paw just a little bit like trembling in an exciting dream… i was stunned about the tigers hidden power …

    Liked by 1 person

    • luckyotter says:

      My therapist is a trauma and attachment therapist who seems to use a combination of different methods, tailored to suit each client. The most important thing is that he’s compassionate and has a lot of empathy. I don’t know if he uses TA but he does use a lot of visualization (is that TA?), combined with schema therapy techniques (used for BPD and NPD), reparenting (actually teaching me how to reparent myself, using himself as a kind of template), inner child work, and practical mindfulness tools. There may be other things too. He’s eclectic and humanistic, and it seems to work extremely well on someone like me. I was really lucky. I’ve had other therapists, and none have been as good as he is (on the other hand, I wasn’t ready to do the work yet either).

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      • I am so happy that you found him. No, visualisation is not TA – but my TA therapist has also used different methods – among others visualisation. When I moved to a new country I used an individual music therapist (In my old country I used music therapy in group) – which is like dreaming while being half-awake… Lots of pictures… Very very strong and effective… http://www.gim-trainings.com/about.html I could talk to my parents, here that they love me, support me and say sorry for me…. Sitting in my fathers lap…. I got my “spine” back during the sessions through another dream… then i was able to sit while meditating. (before only lying on the floor)…. so, life is getting to be ok now 🙂 Love your blog, you are wonderful and smart, with a big heart, I am so happy to find you and share some thoughts with you. Have a great day! Next year we can work a little bit with my blog. This year too busy with art studies! 🙂 Hugs!

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        • I meant “hear” that they love me – saying “sorry” TO me – 🙂 i hope it is correct in English now?? 🙂

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        • luckyotter says:

          I wish you luck with your studies, and of course blogging can take a back seat for now, it’s never too late to pick it up again. So is that a type of hypnosis? Sometimes my therapist has me close my eyes and visualize things and it feels a little bit like hypnosis but not really because I’m fully aware and can remember everything later. Music therapy sounds really interesting!

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          • That *is* hypnosis. I’ve been hypnotized a few times, and remembered everything. 🙂

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          • Thank you… 🙂 Hypnosis – I do not know – my therapist was also a hypnoterapeut, but she not really used it with me…. But certainly, it was a kind of “guided-hypnosis” – maybe “Katathym Imaginative Psychotherapy” ? – I do not know exactly – never asked her about it – but what really happened: I was asked once to think about my mother and describe her as an animal. She was a shark. I started trembling and feeling really bad. Then my therapist guided me what I could do instead of being so crazy afraid of her. Take a step back – for example. And I do not really remember the rest of the time – because i worked really hard on a “subconscious level” -but definitely, this session has changed my attitude extremely then. But it still took a long long time after that to find a safe place and position in life…

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            • luckyotter says:

              My therapist had me do an exercise once when I was highly triggered and almost out of control….I thought of climbing down a hole in the ground…he had me visualize that with my eyes closed…and I realized i had control….hard to explain. It did get me to relax some and feel more positive about my situation, but I’m not sure if that was actually hypnosis or not.

              Liked by 1 person

            • Yes, you have control! This is it! This sounds very much like the same technique which was used with me. It is an unforgettable experience which can be very dizzy, and very strange, i was crying after that i remember – of course because it is also painful to be separated from a mom… but realising a new state of mind – it is stunning to experience it for the first time. Recovery comes later, slowly, we welcome our new strength and getting used to it 🙂 🙂 So proud of and happy about you. 🙂

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  6. Sounds like it would make a good story. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Aura Gael says:

    Such a cool dream. It must have been fun to ‘watch’ as well. (?)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Wolfgirl says:

    A little late, but that is a beautiful and fascinating dream, and I think you’re right about what it symbolizes 🙂 You’ll make it, Lucky, just keep trying!

    I also always loved The Velveteen Rabbit as a child (and I love it now), especially those lines about becoming real – I was one of those kids who had the favorite toy she lugged around everywhere, so that was definitely something to do with it. :3

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